Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A summary of 5 years

I remember once when anyone in my family asked me what I'd been doing the usual answer was 'not much'. Having a blog somehow made the sort of things I'd never bother to mention into an essential part of an ongoing story. Looking back (as there's little to add since last time) I've seen various themes since I started this from memory. Technically I wonder how much my life has changed in the last 15 years let alone 5 since I've been doing this, but I can say I had a job for a while and said friend and employer buggered off abroad in 2002 leaving me more time for nothing. That was all before the blog, and had a regular girlfriend for a while after and then I suppose it settled down into more or less how it is now.
I got my TV break in 2006 followed by a few more, but no actual effect as a couple of minutes a go on obscure channels is not the same as TV was when I was younger and there were just a handful of channels everyone watched. But a start.

I did recently sum up the reason for my discontent with most things in life was that in all areas of pleasure I'd barely got more than a few crumbs. I can't think of many other people who have serially missed out on so many areas most people fill sooner or later. And if you've got to nearly 50 you get the impression if you haven't managed it yet, whatever it is, you may never. Who knows. None of these things can be had directly, like enlightenment. You can't just say you want it and do something to get it. That's the main difference, in business you have some pretty clear routes and depend on effort and skill. Combine the two and sooner or later you will succeed. But having friends, partners and especially family they come and go as they please. The nearest you can get is getting a cat but hardly the same. I'm fairly used to life with all the gaps but would be so pleased if any became filled.

So it's taken me to this point. A more or less neutral equilibrium. I still react to good and bad things as I'm not enlightened, and maybe it can still even happen then at times. I expect nothing more but will be happy if it happens, and know whatever I do it can't change anything that really needs changing. It's almost impossible not to meet women you like and ask them out, but up to them what they do about it. That's just one example but applies to every area of pleasure. If I could afford to move house I'd just be doing the same thing in better surroundings, and remember the number of times I've been in a room and a woman just walked in and that was it. I did nothing, I was just there and we couldn't avoid the reaction. The only difference now is hardly any are single like they were then, so the supply is at a trickle so whatever I do I'm going to meet 25 and 70 year olds. And even the 70 year olds wouldn't want someone my age should I be interested. I've tried that already.

I'm not actually complaining here, just summarising everything since I started here out of lack of anything else to do. Today was a typical day of my freedom, I went to Regents Park, did a bit of essential shopping and watched TV. With no grandma I have more freedom but one less person around. And to complete the circle you can't attract people like cats. And god forbid I encourage retards who I spent months or years trying to get shot of. It's far better to be alone than suffer the ramblings of the rejects who hook onto me as I'm free during the day and basically only they are besides the few so rich they needn't work. Like me (ha ha). And it's no wonder I've always looked for more in the supernatural as superpowers don't half make life more interesting.
Tomorrow is free as well although I may have a visitor later on, or maybe two. And the teacher I'm following this week says we can't change outside, only inside. Then outside doesn't really matter. Very simple in theory and know what to do, but how the fuck long does it take (if at all) to notice a difference? I doubt even he knows as it's different for everyone. But no better method I know of.


diver said...

'... friends, partners and especially family they come and go as they please.'

Yep, they do don't they. I suspect we're all just courting pain if we try to bind such people to us as though they were part of our emotional 'needs' system.

You mentioned changing the 'outside' versus the 'inside' ... I know you're not complaining about your lot bla bla, but do you suppose things could be even better for you if you sold up and moved somewhere else, eg more of a hippy district? I dunno, somewhere where there are more 'birds of your feather'?

Roger Hooton, Nuriootpa, South Australia said...

Looks like you are going through the male menopause. It happens. When I was about 50, 17/18 years ago, I went through hell with trying to re-value my life etc but I made a big decision on Christmas Day 1991 and stuck with it despite having a big row with my brother and his wife, no loss there, and as things developed and my decision unfolded how I had planned I was very happy then I hit some major set backs at great expense to me and it took a few years to get settled by my BIG decision I made that 1991 Christmas Day WAS the right one. Suet it has not been smooth sailing and failing health makes life hell BUT I know deep down if I hadn't done what I wanted to do then life would have been a lot worse and I would have been dead by now.
So as you go through your male menopause seek out THE most important thing that YOU want to do with YOUR life, forget about the girl-friend thing as it will happen but the more you worry about the long the delay. I was 55 before I got married despite numerous girl-friends. Then my marriage was very short and she died but I gave her extra life because of the marriage so I was told.
Do what YOU want to do. Move home, stay at home, whatever YOU decide will be right thing.

Cheers from Roger.

David said...

Thanks guys, it was more an inspection of the time since I started here than anything else, mainly as there wasn't a lot current to report.

I will have an option to move when my grandma's house is sold, but what I'll get isn't enough to get anywhere this size where I used to live. It's one of the most expensive places on the planet. Even if I found a bargain it would probably be in a mess and clear me out totally. But it may be possible. But it's fine here basically, just not in a generally civilised area like Golders Green.

Working on the inside is basic yoga, and it's a matter of finding the best and fastest way and hoping it works on you. Most teachers share the same basic methods and if you check that covers most of it pretty well. If there's inner peace little outside can touch that.