No change

Having had time to think about it, I think people learn new tricks but don't actually change. They can try, discover a particular fault and work to fix it, but sooner or later the rubber will bounce back as that's who we are. We didn't choose it, we didn't design it and it's not our job to do any more than manage the worst of it through tricks. We can't change the feelings which drive these acts, just not act on them. That's who we are. I feel the same now as I first remember nearly 50 years ago. That's me, I feel like me and I always have. I've tested it on me, I've tested it on others and I don't think it's fair or realistic to expect anyone to become different other than by maturing and not acting on their lower drives.
So I'm happy to drop the bugs but they're not changing me, they're just spotting mistakes and correcting them. I'm no different, and my reactions are no different from trying to change what's happening in a TV programme we're watching. That script has been written and only the audience can decide to laugh or cry.

Otherwise it's a quiet time, the usual sort of possibilities, some closer than others, a 'non date' on Thursday (all I have at the moment, woman, no action) and the rest is in the future. All this heavy stuff on personal development is beyond the pale unless the person makes a decision help is required, and as doctors can see if they need one I can see I don't, that work has been done over the last 30 years or so and however many rough edges are left it's chance if the odd one is worn off by an observer or left to become like my grandpa after having a stroke left him with few inhibitions. I think all I'd do was laugh at farts more and talk about myself with little restraint. I'd probably be ruder online but only because people seem to find it easy here where they probably never would in the real world. That's not personality but a bad habit so can be stopped when picked up. Now powder my nose and call me Shirley but I can't see how being lonely is a character flaw as accused of earlier. Besides my pathological anxiety (I have a certificate to prove it) there's nothing at all wrong with me, and complaining that one by one all the people close to me have gone until only my parents are left then it's hardly my doing. I did nothing to get these people in my life so have no direct way to add more. They just attach themselves to you if not related as and when you come across them, and stay until they go. Effort was never a factor, my friends were either from school, my parent's friends' children or from my annual holiday. They began vanishing when they got married one by one besides one, and the rest readjusted their radar to people like them.

So I'm in a gap, a drought, most people I see are the only ones left, but none left from the old life more than once a year or so. If I share that with people it's no different from sharing a hernia, a bereavement or which tablets I've been prescribed. If you're reporting good circumstances it makes you no more strong person than reporting bad ones a weak one. It's just weather. In my case climate but as we all know, climate changes. And that's not man made either whatever they try and tell you.
I can either fill the gap with anyone I can find, like eating bogies or picking up fagends from the gutter, or manage without as nothing is better than the wrong stuff I can tell you. The average ones are better than nothing, like space rations, but no one wants to live of freeze dried food and tablets forever. Is this a character fault by describing what's now an 18 year reality more or less? If not then am I missing anything I could do about it? It's like studying as I've said before, quality not quantity. Going out and looking or online is the equivalent of reading your books all day with little or no direction. If there was anywhere specific, like your best potential essay, I'd exploit it, but social life isn't as clear cut as an exam course.

I've still got a few good years left in me, it can change, droughts end with or without rain dances, and will without the rain dance, and as such there's no need for me to do one. The best I do is look up people I know already as at least I know exactly what I'm getting. As I've known so many once you exclude the many moved away you have a few locally and if lucky I only really need to get back with one or two to fill the gaps. And despite a financial shortfall I may still try and move when my grandma's house is sold and will fill the money gap with a well chosen tenant. I'll be making far less money than now as most will have gone on the house, but I'm good at making a little go a long way. Plus the area is far more civilised and likely to meet people old and new as it's where I grew up and since. That's the best way I know and will cost me all my money to do so at great financial risk. But why not improve your life while you can and just trust your wits to eat beans for a year or two and not use the car very much? I could even drop Sky TV as long as I have the internet, so have a few areas to cut just like the present government. But that is ahead, and can't happen for some time, till then it's carry on as usual and hope for more, and think I've chucked out the idea that in some way I'm personally responsible for this out of the window. Unless you know different?

Conversations with God

Test- why provide yellow if you can't read it?
Just checking the colours there, why include them if invisible?

Having read most of the Conversation with God books there are only two conclusions, either the author is a genius or he really is talking to God. And if so then we should all be able to do so, it also says many people who receive inspiration unawarely do, and that I certainly do get. One good test is where you can think of something you wouldn't have been able to normally. We can only work out so much and if someone else does it for us we know it wasn't us. So if the same answers come to us when we ask (the main format of the books) then it's apparently a higher intelligence.

So when I open a blog page (although Mr Walsch didn't even need to ask) and request a little original input from a higher intelligence, what happens? Well firstly it seems to be our own thoughts, so the originality test is my way of noticing it's unlikely to be mine, not that much comes out like that for me except in dreams so far. I do believe I am building up a force of energy with all my apparently pointless activities, especially as some of them are leading to potential work in the media again. The Celestine Prophecy routine seems the best route to this level, seeing everything as not just connected but for our own benefit. Every person we speak to, I am being trained to communicate this way and smoothe my own edges as are the people being sent to test mine. I never talk down to people face to face but is a trap we easily fall into in writing and expect many of the rudest people around here aren't the same in person either.

I do see an expanse of vacuum ahead (until the media possibilities anyway), I cleared the business (literal/figurative) out of the way but besides days of constant rain haven't had many ideas either way. So I open this page to God to speak back and answer some of these questions- am I actually heading for success, are my apparent dead ends getting somewhere, and can I get a little bit more credit if they are?

Answers tell me I am clearly following partly my own heart and partly what has been put in my heart to care about. I am being forced to attain immunity from each area that got me, and although it can be tough seem undamaged so far. My own suspicions about my mission are correct, even when it seems nothing is happening it's only until the next event.

My next is about delay- I'll admit the last couple of days my little project has been very busy, and the potential is great, so may have been more productive than it seemed, but there has been very little to make me happy since I found my ultimate road sign last month. Nothing new or different there, but I know I don't expect too much simply as most people seem to have reached where I am aiming, although many who have families say they aren't happy with it. Maybe if they spent 18 years on their own they would appreciate it then, I certainly will. Meanwhile I leave the door open for God to answer and even interrupt or bark orders. And no, I don't mean from other people, that doesn't count, look at the Pope. No, direct messages please.
One message to my opponents out there I am only trying to help, and that means everyone who isn't a criminal. You see kids heading for the main road and push them away, they hate you for it but survive. Later they realise you actually helped them. Many people think and act like children and need the same guidance, and if I've got the means to give it I'd be watching them play on the motorway and doing nothing. End of sermon.

Global warmists are bastards

Despite the rain I've been busy today. I discovered climatecamp on twitter just after it had finished but made my mark nonetheless. The global warmists are on the whole the most obnoxious, whinging, self important dickheads I've ever come across. I've never been insulted as much in all my life than the short time I've been confronting them, and haven't seen a decent argument by a single one of them. On the other side the skeptics are the nicest people I've come across and all decent, sensible and polite. That tells me an awful lot. If the good believe in something and the others are all, well, twats, that implies the nature of the belief to me.

Too early to say, but have now volunteered as an official climate media person, and fingers crossed it will work out. I need the support of a proper organisation with scientists now, I'm not qualified to work alone any more. Prince Charles' solar panels are wonderful as now everyone knows the price to equip an average house with them is more than the house, they last maybe 25 years and anyone stupid enough to waste money on them deserves the TV to go off right in the middle of Who wants to be a Millionaire just before the £50,000 question is answered. It would serve the fuckers right.
And just imagine all the old people with solar panels who found just when they actually needed them after three days of snow they ran out. Oops. Too late to turn the gas on now.

I'm still free thank god, I haven't made any phone calls yet as too busy but have to start soon. All a pain in the arse or I would have sooner (besides the ones they weren't in already). I'll think of somewhere to take photos tomorrow if it's dry, I scanned some steam railways on today I'd missed and would like one more old road sign before the collection's more or less over. Meanwhile I hope the Funtrivia bloggers keep going here, I started long ago and is my equivalent to speaking to real people, but like to read as well. And remember guys, you can cuss and cast aspersions here and no one will stop you. So far nothing's really happened but as long as there's a chance and there's nothing to do that's demanding I'll cope. More would be a bonus though.

Tuesday catch up.

I think I'm free now- the doctor, optician and barber aren't a big deal and at my leisure to call (barber first). No plans either but past worrying as I'm free and will make the most of it. While the Americans are crapping themselves over gay marriage and mosques on Facebook I realise what a shame it is people worry about harmless and irrelevant things that don't affect them while there are so many genuine issues to care about. They are confused and I could explain why but they won't hear until they are prepared to listen, which may be when hell freezes over.

As the Big Brother final's on all night my phone calls will have to wait another day, and spent today getting my strimmer back and finding how to make it work again and getting air in the car tyres, what used to be free anywhere and now spend more on petrol finding a free source that also works. I then cut all the front garden and will finish the hedge when I've done this here. After the roofer removed all but the few green tiles from my garage when I said he could have a few the ones removed from next door are now in a heap and coming my way as they are having the roof extended. The divorced woman opposite now has a whole side facing me rotted away and the whole side of the roof is being supported on nothing. She's just spent all her cash buying out her ex husband so doubt she can afford the roof repair, and if it collapses she'll be looking at ten times the amount. None of my business besides the fact I can see it all the time. The supporting beam is sagging more and more and now a foot gap between it and the roof where the edge tiles are now slipping off as a result. My guttering and boards already rotted and were replaced a few years ago before they got that bad so had the same ordeal already.

I wonder now if there are any jobs I haven't done, as when it's quiet I worry I may have missed something important I should be doing as well, but can't think of any. I have just got back another email saying my global warming enquiry was being dealt with, so not forgotten and currently setting up tables of data from the few scientists who get it to show the believers. Nothing less can work as I've discovered. And whatever the science the climate skeptics are all the nicest most sensible people I've come across while most of the believers are left wing, scatty, emotional and judgemental. It seems to follow the personalities, as the 'solutions' to supposed climate issues are purely based on cash extraction and curbing of freedoms, something the left have always been keen on. I've never trusted them all my life as taking people's money they earned legitimately seems the basis of a diseased ideology. Jealousy, resentment and judgement, resulting in the loss of freedom and individuality is something no one want, but the left want to impose it on others without realising if they actually lived in Cuba or North Korea they'd hate it as much as the right. After all, the leaders don't live the way the people do anyway so those imposing the system on the innocent are always outside it as they are using all that money extracted from them in the first place. The global warmists are trying to impose this worldwide and I am one person doing all I can to stop them.

Connected threads

A few themes today, maybe they'll all end up being connected by the end. It's been a busy and fairly productive time but filled with conflict, a sort of shedding of skin or rebirthing where you get all the afterbirth and gunk as well as the product. I suppose that's not unusual, and were just discussing it on the radio with cognitive dissonance. That's when you find something new which doesn't agree with what you assumed so simply reject it. I've got plenty of those on the climate front but don't give a shit at least- the low point came today when a twat from the Green Party yet again said 'Climate is the biggest threat to the planet'. So famine, war, genocide, pollution, disease and overpopulation aren't that bad then? What a fucking stupid twat.

Anyway, I was also amazed when a political journalist on the radio honestly said I was so eloquent I should be running a political party. I really wasn't expecting that, I just called to say why people shouldn't give up on a cause just because hardly anyone actually votes for it, and that was his conclusion at the end of the call. Every now and then you get a clue you are doing well and that was a big one. The next theme this week is genius. I realised that most experts, teachers and academics are not, so when one is they get the piss taken until and unless they actually prove what they are saying is true, of course meaning everyone else is wrong. Of course all those who do see they are right are tarred with the same brush, and although some time back I discussed the connections with genius and insanity that was the sensitivity and awareness aspect, not other people's opinions.

So with cognitive dissonance if people believe in something no amount of genius will tell them otherwise until they find it themselves. Like the climate of course- how many decades will temperatures do nothing special before enough people realise not only would even a 6'C rise be a minor inconvenience (IPCC not me there) but it ain't gonna happen? Pass. On other areas of course God won't arrive and present itself in the open as he did to Moses (although he had to avert his eyes or they'd be burnt out, another good reason not to try it), but only appears in people so they can't show others. Aliens however could but prefer to wait till governments don't shoot at them (there is plenty of radar and released reports of that, Belgium being the worst example). Then intuition either adds to or gives the image of genius- how can noticing something and then speaking on a subject as if there when it happened without ever having seen it be seen as anything else? Some people watch and wait for intuitives to make a mistake to say it proves they were all wrong, but if everything up to then was right even the best can't have a perfect channel.

I've got quite a bit done myself, and the soap opera around me has provided suspense on many long and short term events ahead- from how many mistakes do they have to make on global warming before enough people dismiss it as a bad job to my magazine article coming out. The meditation CDs arrived yesterday and showed me the genius in teachers as well, as the reason I'd seen fault with so many is they missed bits. Usually as they either didn't understand them or hadn't thought about them, so provide some of the material but incomplete. I'd seen this guy online for months (Adyashanti) and learnt far more than I had previously, and the CDs confirm this as he worked with people who had practiced for years like me and got little progress and worked out why. Basically they were trying too hard. His meditation (so far, there are others) is almost the same as my active one but a more passive approach to it. Right area, new approach to it.

I've heard nothing about the PC but besides not being able to print the laptop has now taken over and I've been tweaking it to work more as it should now I see its faults all the time. Otherwise I've just been shopping and taking photos of the woods and fields as usual, and making loads of enemies on Twitter but if people tweet crap it's almost a crime of omission not to pick them up on it. If one more person confuses looking after the planet with climate they should make a law banning ignorance and paint them green to show their politics and stupidity. At least. Or maybe teach them some science, logic and if it was possible to commonsense.
I expect everything above has been guided this week, not just for me but everyone involved. I may get a kicking but possibly to teach the person doing it when they do it, why and not to keep doing so. Not sure what I get out of it but will add that to the suspense list. Meanwhile they're picking on Israel again on Facebook, and after months of attempted education I just called them a bunch of fucking arseholes. They do actually understand that at least as it's their own and apparently only level of understanding. 250 plus countries on the planet, maybe 50 doing dreadful things and they turn their face from them all as they're not Jews. Only the Jews should be watched, followed, criticised on every action and threatened with extermination. That sounds familiar.

Can we change our reactions?

Prompted by the response (privately) to my last entry, I offer a proposition rather than a statement:

"It is nigh on impossible to change how we react to negative conditions"

Source: Personal experience plus numerous similar reports from others.
The phone rings, we answer it. Someone's died. How do we react? How can we change that reaction? Should we change that reaction? Are we designed to have a choice in reactions? This can be extended to every acute shock or chronic situation and these reactions, both of their nature and duration are automatic.

There are some tricks applicable in a few known areas, like anger management, but those based on thought can only work where we interpret the shock to be worse than it is. That isn't changing the reaction but the information that caused it. Yoga and hypnosis will usually calm us generally over time, but doesn't work all the time or make us immune, it just reduces the reactions like turning down the volume.

I expected this to make a few pages but seems more or less how it is- no need for many examples as we all know what makes us feel bad and how, and if persistent then often have to resort to chemical drugs to manage them. That's the best we currently have to work quickly, but are addictive in many cases and only a last resort that again just turns down the volume and not the nature. And there are case histories where professionals have admitted in some that is how you react and all my treatment doesn't seem to help. Such patients do exist, and unless a way can be found to help them all then no known treatment is more than palliative and temporary.

So back to the phone call- why should anyone react differently to such news? Or any like it? Those who believe in a creator would have to accept these reactions were created for a reason, so aren't supposed to be user adjustable. Overall it does seem the good and bad feelings even out, which drives each individual to realise as long as they're hooked into the cycle of up and down for life, they'll never get any different and the only way out is looking for enlightenment. There are no alternatives in the known system out there. As only a handful get on that route and suffer nearly as much if not more in the process, besides the few who succeed (and I am aware of them or wouldn't keep at it myself) everyone else is stuck with their design.

I have found there are a few methods as described to lessen the peaks, and that's it. Knowledge can change the unwarranted reactions, but when based on a real bad situation we're fucked. Next?

I haven't a clue

I am in desperate need of inspiration. I've cleared all the stuff out of the road now- three trips to the dentist and the stone setting (second funeral), but despite having freedom had little to fill it. I'm noticing all my phobias clearly and besides having a shortage of tablets and them only second choice (the others decided to react against me in the end) am seeing if I can work round any on my own devices. That's a real challenge.

The replacement disk lasted about a month (secondhand) before it died and now have to shlep the laptop around until it's got a new one it really needed from the start rather than risk a dodgy one which may melt at any time (as it did). I have reached the stage where I don't think I ought to suffer or even work for any more improvement, simply as it seems like I've put in enough already and shouldn't need to suffer to gain any more either. It's like enjoying lessons at school, you learn far more if you have an interesting teacher even in the areas you can't do well. My French teacher left and got the tyrant who just made us do as much work as possible and although did OK could have done less work, enjoyed it more and possibly got an A with the first one. That applies to every area and seems we are in charge of changing this more tha others. If we make that decision then however it happens we work towards it.

I may attempt a visit to one of the women who have been pursuing me in the past but avoided, no other ideas so maybe that could be worth it. Had any been my actual type I would have had no need to wait till the last minute, but when does that ever happen? (it did in 2002 and 1992 from memory, every 10 years on average). I'm waiting for my global warming summary from a scientist now, as without formulas we're never going to win a single bugger who thinks the climate is a threat. While a retailer said food prices have risen 30% this year due to overpopulation, ie there is already not enough to supply them all, and climate is already known from the present and past to be part of life we deal with, and it does whatever it does and we take it like a man/woman. I'm working out how to deal with these guys now and although they are under a duty to prove their case (which is impossible as not repeatable or directly attributable to CO2) they want data to disprove a negative. I know the basics but not trained to create a formula they will have to accept.

So I have a third week of freedom ahead, nothing's happened yet and just dealt with each day as it came, which is all I can do. As for reading these and finding solutions I draw a blank. I haven't got a problem with a solution, and as a therapist I don't give advice. I think of things clients miss as suggestions but combine a genuine lack of available people and activities with phobias which restrict all but the easiest efforts going out I am limited to the toys in the playpen. There may be better in the other room but you won't get me in there, but as I've looked there before I don't actually think I'm missing anything. Short of visiting a few people who have moved away from the immediate area there's no more beyond the comfort zone than inside it. I look at what's available in it and use them as much as I can, and have managed extra in the last year or so which adds up gradually to extending my limits.

But there's no answers I'm missing, no avoidance, unnoticed opportunities or people to include I can think of. Painting is a way of filling the time in bad weather but unless commissioned earn nothing from it and just clutter up the house with average artwork. My work involves cause and effect more than anything else, the client blames one thing but can't see the big picture. I point them back to the actual cause and if there's anything they can't see as well make suggestions where it may be, ideally so they guess themselves so 'own it' as we say in the business. And I'd prefer a therapist of my own rather than trying to turn the system inside out and be both myself. It's not the usual way and not how we're designed to work. If I get answers it's spontaneous and intuitive, I don't sit down and work them out as I can't see or think of anything new that's already been thought of. It's almost a miracle to do so and the exception to the rule. If anyone's clever enough to know an answer just tell me, I'm really not equipped to do it myself.

Search me

I see the autosave has finally failed here, no surprises there and I always say if it eats a blog then it's because I can do a better one. After the PC died last night I had to drive across town to get the laptop, was on the phone to the operator till 2am getting it hooked up to the cable, and ended up at the local park in the rain today taking photos. Despite getting the worst of the jobs behind me as soon as I settle down and relax more shit like that arrives, appearing to present me with a constant stream of garbage so I can learn to deal with each one permanently. It shows regardless of what we've done already the same shit keeps coming so have to step up a level to rise above it.

Being lost without the internet- it's clearly replaced all the other activities I'm not able to do, realised unless I get someone else in the house eventually it'll be that or bust. There are always bits and pieces to do around the house I will do more of now I've seen how they get backed up while on the computer, but not nearly enough to keep occupied for long. And if I was ever given an IQ test letter (I vaguely remember reading it but so vague it may not be so) but if there was one I'd have kept it and had so little paperwork at 11 would have been in a drawer with a couple of other things in my old desk. That was two houses ago but those papers were usually in a little folder and put away with each move, but my mother also kept some of my stuff at her house but wasn't in those files when I looked. But I'm slowly chucking old stuff out I am coming across while looking which is probably all I'll get from the mission.

Meanwhile I just ordered a 3 hour meditation DVD set so one more tool (no tool comments please) to my growing list, but having seen Adyashanti enough trust his knowledge more than most to help. I have also bought viennas for the first time in about 30 years after seeing someone else mention them and remember I hadn't had them so long, and will be opening them soon. Without entering the realms of speculation I can't think of much else now, so I'll return to my drawers as there's nothing on TV for a couple of hours. I have to dredge these ideas up from somewhere as there aren't so many after all this time. I need some outside input.

Looking at miracles

One thing I can't see happening is me or anyone else really being that original in their messages here, as besides not wanting to venture into fiction you can only draw water from the same well.
With little on the current system besides a likely venture into published writing in October (more at the time) I look at what's the most positive area I can see, that of miracles, as per the Celestine Prophecy. As there are no small or large miracles (anything which beats the rules of science is large) then they range in nature from seeing myself given gifts in the most complicated methods, where each event depends on the last until it gets there (who played Mousetrap?)- imagine the chances of setting up a similar system where every event around you- people, places and the exact timing came together to set one event off after another until the mouse is caught, not happening once to imply something but at least four times in just over a year and counting?

Then there's the outer teaching, people turning up with information as the next stepping stone, like when I read something the day before I'm asked the answer, which has happened to me for ages. Fuck science, they can't measure that beyond itself so shouldn't waste their time trying to dismiss it. Science is the set of information we can test and see, the rest still exists but just beyond its scope. Do you need a scientist to explain an orgasm or happiness to you? Because of course you know what they are but they couldn't test how they feel. Now imagine only a few people had orgasms, then they'd say they didn't exist. Hold on, we've got things we all share they can't detect, but because they experience them don't question their existence? And they call that scientific method? Please. Good at a few things, crap at the rest in many of these cases.

I reckon sometimes I'm being used to communicate, when I start a track and see myself explaining step by step logic without having thought about it beforehand and getting insights on areas I didn't really know enough to provide then I do seem to be taken over, as we all probably are. I think I can open this up to a point though, especially if someone asks me to for a specific reason. There is gold all around us but many people don't see it if it hasn't been made into jewellery. The next part that mystifies me is how the spiritually aware have as many problems and shortcomings as everyone else. I've mixed with them for years and few are the saintly or omniscient types you'd think from their writings, most are normal people again with one area highly developed but not able to cover the areas which aren't. There's no Superman, Jesus or Buddha around whenever you get a highly developed person. Maharaji is one of the closest who is, having heard hundreds of lectures over the years he clearly knows and understands more than most, and Guri Swami G on Youtube is pretty sharp as well, except when she said gurus are to live in normal surroundings as if you gain enlightenment in seclusion you lose it when come back to society. Then she sent one of her enlightened sages for a week alone in the woods. She also gets people to shave their heads although says appearance doesn't matter as a sign of renunciation. Surely if you're enlightened baldness isn't a requirement to maintain it?

Anyway, great scientists are both prone to crime and stupidity, as I have now discovered. There is one more superbrain as well who is one person able to back me into a corner 90% of the time, mainly as I haven't done enough preparation as few have the brains to challenge anyone as he can. He's sadly been off the radio for years as I've been listening to phone ins for 30 years and Tommy Boyd has the wide knowledge and understanding meaning he can basically rip apart anyone on any subject. But if you're that bright the others tend to think you're mad or stupid as half the time they can't follow what you're saying, partly as you think too fast for most to keep up with and make huge leaps of logic that would take slow steps of explanation before others could get it. Plus the ones which are intuitive and takes ages to back up using actual data. Money and fame certainly don't come from these abilities though, abuse, misunderstanding and arguments do, being accused by all adults from the age of about 9 you think you know everything (as you pick them up where they don't and you do), and are little use as a conventional teacher as if you add your own knowledge you can't prove it.

I hope now I'll go from the amount of knowledge I have of such miracles to use them to tip the balance of my own being from negative to positive. I use the counselling formula, my life till now has been the reason I am where I am and not the excuse, but those are bloody good reasons to be negative. It's not about time and effort like a degree, but just doing the right things. Whatever they may be.

Looking for a miracle

As my last post/s has been analysed and requested to analyse them myself, I may as well do it here. I would be surprised if I'd missed anything but hidden treasure is hidden by its nature till dug up.

You have to start with the facts:
1) My only family is my parents (besides distant cousins)
2) My main friends left the country 8 years ago
3) Besides the odd (definitely) tenant I've lived alone for 18 years
4) I have severe anxiety, had ptsd (if that ever goes away that is), had chronic fatigue so all these mean my boundaries are fairly limited
5) Not one woman in my life has lasted who was mutual, something always wrecked it and all the others either wanted me long term or vice versa, but not both
6) Recent events have been both beyond chance and consistent, a power is setting up things for my benefit, I can see although even one such complex event is almost certainly arranged three or more can't be anything else
7) Despite that the rest of the time is as it was before. If there isn't a miraculous chain of events nothing else seems any different, inside or outside
8) I have learnt meditation and advaita since 1997, meditation works a little sometimes, advaita work has created a trust in the process but no known changes.

So that's the foundation, I've learnt to adapt to the other stuff to keep a reasonable quality of life, but both miss living in a family and of course a woman. Even before the anxiety I could go to all sorts of social groups, and since when in a good phase, but the odds of meeting a woman or even a new friend are very long considering the requirements for both. Throwing energy at a problem is like spending money without a budget. I can go out endlessly but the right people turn up whatever you do in my experience. They're all over the internet but none nearby. Am I or anyone else expected to control even a small amount of this? One person I know says you can regardless, but although I know I can keep myself occupied, find places to go, start and run a business, pass qualifications etc, the other things are nebulous. Not that I don't get out and meet people, I do. But to meet new friends, and who live near enough to see regularly is a tall order.

So I'm trying to control who I see, live with and how I feel. Not an easy task, meditation is the only thing besides the pills that can make me feel better for a short time, and good people seem to come and go like English summers. The rest I can deal with, my media career is launched and may creep ahead shortly. I've always been good with money and isn't really much else that needs handling I can think of. My current life would have been pretty good had I still been in a family, old or new. I've been happy in front of a screen all my life. Many of my memories from about 1962 onwards have been of TV programmes, but also who I was watching them with. I remember being at my nanny's when Camberwick Green started (as my mother worked I spent a lot of time there as well), watching Doctor Who, Watch With Mother and my two favourites at the time, Take Your Pick and Double your Money. Five O'Clock Club, The White Heather Club, Tingha and Tucker, Space Patrol, Juke Box Jury, Groucho Marx on a panel game I didn't know the name of, Criss Cross Quiz, I loved the TV and although not many programmes like them now the internet is a good successor.

So I believe things must be crossing over for me. I was in the relative darkness for some time, having qualified and left home I didn't enter a marriage and new family, but just ejected to survive alone. My second family kept me for 10 years after I was on my own, including providing me with a job for half of that period. Then they left. My grandma was around till last year who I saw once or twice a week, and took to supermarkets, hospitals and was generally available whenever required. Since last year I've seen guidance in my life, read the Celestine Prophecy and seen how it reflects much of my own experience since that point, there are lessons and messages in everything, but the pain is still there.

Only in enlightenment is pain seen for what it really is, until then it's just pain, in every form, and when it goes if it does then it comes back sooner or later as separation is the source of suffering and until enlightened all is separate. But many people in duality do well and can have a perfectly good quality of life which is why few seek enlightenment, but that is clearly the source of true happiness and contentment. If I'm on the bridge from darkness to light then the arrangement may include the transition. Like knowing things by intuition many of the best inventions and changes happen on their own. That's the temporary nature of everything, although the permanent disabilities appear not to be, which is not quite within true Buddhist theory for me. But the bigger picture would say even the disabled cease to suffer when enlightened, and will leave that for the sages to sort out.

So besides meditation and going out as much as I can within my health restrictions, what else could I do while the rest happens or not? I've already called as many old friends I've found and the one who did turn up had just moved abroad, the others were probably dead for a good reason I suppose although I am in touch with many online now. But only a few are still here as people move and quite a few are also abroad. I study all sorts of teaching as always, both for myself and professionally (it's a requirement), and there are only a few different methods repackaged by each one. Lateral thinking is the best for me, as it means you look outside the obvious where there usually is no obvious route. That is a random process and tends to work more by luck than any direct path. And sadly the bottom line is I can't rely on people to help, especially those I know in person. They have their lives, they don't even know how to help if they wanted to. I suppose I know a few things certain people could do which would help but they are the stuff of dreams and don't actually happen when you want, if at all. You can't just ask someone for sex for example however much it would help.

So seeing any potential solution in all this would be a true miracle, I can't see it and if anyone can then they will be a guardian angel.

Empty space isn't good enough

I shouldn't be surprised, but after clearing all the shit out of the way last month I was just left with no shit but no sugar either. Just no. So despite no anxiety over upcoming events I only have what I have, empty freedom. I hoped to feel better simply having a clear life but it really isn't enough on its own, just a good place to start building from. I know exactly what I'm missing and besides just blitzing social events with strangers hoping I'll hook up with some eventually I can't really do anything practical to fix it.

I did work quite a bit last week so not so guilty there's none this week, but still been doing some business on the phone which is just as important. Otherwise it's been checking up on my late grandma's house and shopping. So thank goodness nothing's wrong, but I'm not apparently getting anywhere otherwise besides completing my old sign collection after 2 1/2 years. I still look but doesn't matter now. I have absolutely no plans either, tomorrow I haven't even thought about and will see when it arrives, let alone beyond. Having my first article published will certainly help, covering another ambition but that's ahead yet. My research of all sorts happens whether I'm looking or not, new information turns up sooner or later but unless it affects me directly all seems to be fairly irrelevant otherwise.

So the half a week has been doing whatever I can think of and although I definitely needed a rest would like a little direction or hope as well. I did see a small guidance today when I discovered something I needed to know due to a last minute invitation or I'd probably never have seen it. That was just the little sign I needed to tell me all was on track- it has been ever since it started over a year ago and the short time I thought it had slipped off it showed me it hadn't in the same type of way it had the first. Whatever or whoever directs this film is pretty impressive when awakened, but the gaps between miracles still give the impression maybe nothing's different, although it has to be. It is odd how even when you've found things are more than they seem they are still exactly the same when that element is dormant. Of course I'm not in control of these miracles and may never be, so it's like having a woman and losing them, whatever you know was possible doesn't mean it lasts or may even return in different forms. Except here it's a force outside the known, talked about since the beginning of history but until it's happened to you would seem a fairy story.

So I am trying to contact the source of these miracles now. I've read the whole series of Conversations with God and plenty of the Celestine Prophecy and they tell me this is the next stage of our evolution, and those experiencing it now are the advance guard while only available to adepts till now. But I am slowly running out of time, you don't want a situation like retiring at 65 and not being fit enough to enjoy it. I believe I can't do any more to increase this power (especially as it found me, I didn't make it happen at all) and besides meditating more often I've got few other tricks that could do so from my side. But I can't deny it's there, and presumably all the time as it can tweak things at any time and can't do that popping in now and again as needs to know the whole picture. And it really isn't cheating to call up miracles, it's our heritage which very few have realised in practice. Does a cake taste any worse you made or bought? Calling up any other event is no different from making a cake, you just decide to make a woman or anything else you need and instead of having no direct way of getting them (there are the two lists, those like cakes we can more or less have at will and the others) just do it the same way. I think that's worked that one out right as I wrote it.

So I'd like to have a full communication with this force and then use it to get the things I want which don't come directly in the physical world like cake to all come the same way. Like decorating your house, you choose a vision and create it. I just aim to include as much as possible within that vision as I can see it's possible to happen, and ultimately become part of that force knowingly, as it can't really be from the outside, it's everywhere and everything. The reading has started to become the experience, but only just so far.

Last week's summary

There are only two possibilities, either I am being guided towards my ambitions and more or not. The latest event implies all is well as my article appears to have been approved for a mainstream publication. More when confirmed and is due in two months if all goes well. Last week went OK, work and the service and saw lots of friends and relatives afterwards at the tea. I've done more or less sod all since then (not that I need to) besides a few vital business calls and my first game of tennis for a couple of years, I must get the direction back again now as half the shots went randomly.

No plans at all really now although usually find things to do sooner or later. More videos to be made, Streetviewing till all roads have been checked and usual little jobs that have to be done including doctor and optician appointments to be made. The parallel aim is for the personal growth and guidance to not be so painful. I am still suffering from time to time (as we all do) but the goal of Buddhism/yoga is to transcend it and that is my primary goal now. My research on global warming has now reached the point where I've discovered nothing but positive or negative spin on the same data, ie they haven't a clue so can make it look as bad or harmless as they want as long as people don't check the raw figures which are nearly all online.

The IPCC who collate all the information make it very clear there are endless possible results from global warming, but uncertain and impossible to pin on mankind. They include many advantages as well which the media universally ignore, but the bottom line is whatever happens the same old weather will happen in different places just as it always has. There can't be anything else and the more time passes the more they discover and admit cooling is almost as likely now as warming, and if so they can only pack up and go home once global warming comes to an end, whatever the cause. Even though the IPCC report itself concludes the effects will barely be measurable or harmful. Most followers don't bother to check the IPCC reports but rely on the politicians, which is like relying on estate agents to do your survey. All the reports are published in full online and just the fraction I've read are far more like my own conclusions than anything from Greenpeace who used to be a fairly decent bunch and are now the Socialist Workers/Revolutionary party in Green. Green on the outside, all red on the inside. This is a three way war, the left are spreading the word while the thieves are creating it, and the innocent are fighting it. The left have also shown themselves up as the creepy envious morons they truly are, happy to destroy our civilisation that took hundreds of years to create as they hate the well off.

So global warming has been the best tool to use to bring about the fall of capitalism, so of course they've all jumped on it as although it doesn't really exist it's their most effective way to finally bring down society because they think it can. It could have been any other scare story affecting the world with a potential solution, this just fit the criteria better than any other. Anyone with a brain knows they're doing it, just as we know carbon taxes are theft, but unless those without brains stop voting the left in worldwide we're buggered. That's the real warning as our money's being distributed the same as it has been in Zimbabwe and Soviet Russia. Anyone who wants to see a low carbon economy just use Zimbabwe as your model, that's how we'll all be if they win the war against civilisation.