Friday, August 06, 2010

Looking for a miracle

As my last post/s has been analysed and requested to analyse them myself, I may as well do it here. I would be surprised if I'd missed anything but hidden treasure is hidden by its nature till dug up.

You have to start with the facts:
1) My only family is my parents (besides distant cousins)
2) My main friends left the country 8 years ago
3) Besides the odd (definitely) tenant I've lived alone for 18 years
4) I have severe anxiety, had ptsd (if that ever goes away that is), had chronic fatigue so all these mean my boundaries are fairly limited
5) Not one woman in my life has lasted who was mutual, something always wrecked it and all the others either wanted me long term or vice versa, but not both
6) Recent events have been both beyond chance and consistent, a power is setting up things for my benefit, I can see although even one such complex event is almost certainly arranged three or more can't be anything else
7) Despite that the rest of the time is as it was before. If there isn't a miraculous chain of events nothing else seems any different, inside or outside
8) I have learnt meditation and advaita since 1997, meditation works a little sometimes, advaita work has created a trust in the process but no known changes.

So that's the foundation, I've learnt to adapt to the other stuff to keep a reasonable quality of life, but both miss living in a family and of course a woman. Even before the anxiety I could go to all sorts of social groups, and since when in a good phase, but the odds of meeting a woman or even a new friend are very long considering the requirements for both. Throwing energy at a problem is like spending money without a budget. I can go out endlessly but the right people turn up whatever you do in my experience. They're all over the internet but none nearby. Am I or anyone else expected to control even a small amount of this? One person I know says you can regardless, but although I know I can keep myself occupied, find places to go, start and run a business, pass qualifications etc, the other things are nebulous. Not that I don't get out and meet people, I do. But to meet new friends, and who live near enough to see regularly is a tall order.

So I'm trying to control who I see, live with and how I feel. Not an easy task, meditation is the only thing besides the pills that can make me feel better for a short time, and good people seem to come and go like English summers. The rest I can deal with, my media career is launched and may creep ahead shortly. I've always been good with money and isn't really much else that needs handling I can think of. My current life would have been pretty good had I still been in a family, old or new. I've been happy in front of a screen all my life. Many of my memories from about 1962 onwards have been of TV programmes, but also who I was watching them with. I remember being at my nanny's when Camberwick Green started (as my mother worked I spent a lot of time there as well), watching Doctor Who, Watch With Mother and my two favourites at the time, Take Your Pick and Double your Money. Five O'Clock Club, The White Heather Club, Tingha and Tucker, Space Patrol, Juke Box Jury, Groucho Marx on a panel game I didn't know the name of, Criss Cross Quiz, I loved the TV and although not many programmes like them now the internet is a good successor.

So I believe things must be crossing over for me. I was in the relative darkness for some time, having qualified and left home I didn't enter a marriage and new family, but just ejected to survive alone. My second family kept me for 10 years after I was on my own, including providing me with a job for half of that period. Then they left. My grandma was around till last year who I saw once or twice a week, and took to supermarkets, hospitals and was generally available whenever required. Since last year I've seen guidance in my life, read the Celestine Prophecy and seen how it reflects much of my own experience since that point, there are lessons and messages in everything, but the pain is still there.

Only in enlightenment is pain seen for what it really is, until then it's just pain, in every form, and when it goes if it does then it comes back sooner or later as separation is the source of suffering and until enlightened all is separate. But many people in duality do well and can have a perfectly good quality of life which is why few seek enlightenment, but that is clearly the source of true happiness and contentment. If I'm on the bridge from darkness to light then the arrangement may include the transition. Like knowing things by intuition many of the best inventions and changes happen on their own. That's the temporary nature of everything, although the permanent disabilities appear not to be, which is not quite within true Buddhist theory for me. But the bigger picture would say even the disabled cease to suffer when enlightened, and will leave that for the sages to sort out.

So besides meditation and going out as much as I can within my health restrictions, what else could I do while the rest happens or not? I've already called as many old friends I've found and the one who did turn up had just moved abroad, the others were probably dead for a good reason I suppose although I am in touch with many online now. But only a few are still here as people move and quite a few are also abroad. I study all sorts of teaching as always, both for myself and professionally (it's a requirement), and there are only a few different methods repackaged by each one. Lateral thinking is the best for me, as it means you look outside the obvious where there usually is no obvious route. That is a random process and tends to work more by luck than any direct path. And sadly the bottom line is I can't rely on people to help, especially those I know in person. They have their lives, they don't even know how to help if they wanted to. I suppose I know a few things certain people could do which would help but they are the stuff of dreams and don't actually happen when you want, if at all. You can't just ask someone for sex for example however much it would help.

So seeing any potential solution in all this would be a true miracle, I can't see it and if anyone can then they will be a guardian angel.

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