Monday, August 16, 2010

I haven't a clue

I am in desperate need of inspiration. I've cleared all the stuff out of the road now- three trips to the dentist and the stone setting (second funeral), but despite having freedom had little to fill it. I'm noticing all my phobias clearly and besides having a shortage of tablets and them only second choice (the others decided to react against me in the end) am seeing if I can work round any on my own devices. That's a real challenge.

The replacement disk lasted about a month (secondhand) before it died and now have to shlep the laptop around until it's got a new one it really needed from the start rather than risk a dodgy one which may melt at any time (as it did). I have reached the stage where I don't think I ought to suffer or even work for any more improvement, simply as it seems like I've put in enough already and shouldn't need to suffer to gain any more either. It's like enjoying lessons at school, you learn far more if you have an interesting teacher even in the areas you can't do well. My French teacher left and got the tyrant who just made us do as much work as possible and although did OK could have done less work, enjoyed it more and possibly got an A with the first one. That applies to every area and seems we are in charge of changing this more tha others. If we make that decision then however it happens we work towards it.

I may attempt a visit to one of the women who have been pursuing me in the past but avoided, no other ideas so maybe that could be worth it. Had any been my actual type I would have had no need to wait till the last minute, but when does that ever happen? (it did in 2002 and 1992 from memory, every 10 years on average). I'm waiting for my global warming summary from a scientist now, as without formulas we're never going to win a single bugger who thinks the climate is a threat. While a retailer said food prices have risen 30% this year due to overpopulation, ie there is already not enough to supply them all, and climate is already known from the present and past to be part of life we deal with, and it does whatever it does and we take it like a man/woman. I'm working out how to deal with these guys now and although they are under a duty to prove their case (which is impossible as not repeatable or directly attributable to CO2) they want data to disprove a negative. I know the basics but not trained to create a formula they will have to accept.

So I have a third week of freedom ahead, nothing's happened yet and just dealt with each day as it came, which is all I can do. As for reading these and finding solutions I draw a blank. I haven't got a problem with a solution, and as a therapist I don't give advice. I think of things clients miss as suggestions but combine a genuine lack of available people and activities with phobias which restrict all but the easiest efforts going out I am limited to the toys in the playpen. There may be better in the other room but you won't get me in there, but as I've looked there before I don't actually think I'm missing anything. Short of visiting a few people who have moved away from the immediate area there's no more beyond the comfort zone than inside it. I look at what's available in it and use them as much as I can, and have managed extra in the last year or so which adds up gradually to extending my limits.

But there's no answers I'm missing, no avoidance, unnoticed opportunities or people to include I can think of. Painting is a way of filling the time in bad weather but unless commissioned earn nothing from it and just clutter up the house with average artwork. My work involves cause and effect more than anything else, the client blames one thing but can't see the big picture. I point them back to the actual cause and if there's anything they can't see as well make suggestions where it may be, ideally so they guess themselves so 'own it' as we say in the business. And I'd prefer a therapist of my own rather than trying to turn the system inside out and be both myself. It's not the usual way and not how we're designed to work. If I get answers it's spontaneous and intuitive, I don't sit down and work them out as I can't see or think of anything new that's already been thought of. It's almost a miracle to do so and the exception to the rule. If anyone's clever enough to know an answer just tell me, I'm really not equipped to do it myself.

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