Sunday, October 05, 2008

I'm doing nothing.

It's odd how keeping a journal focuses you on how little actually happens in a period of time. I'm working my way through the usual process of elimination where I start one project after another, and one by one they either drop off (mostly) or make progress. One high spot is someone says they have tw TV programmes I've been searching for for ages and haven't seen for nearly 40 years. I hope that'll provide a result if no other. Other than that it was the usual out when dry and in when wet, about half and half, and did another video and lots of photos although I always think I've run out of places.
All the apparent news stories really mean little besides to those involved, but need bigging up for the media. So Hurricane Ike (not to mention the others) blew 7 types of shit out of Galveston, but as hurricanes do that somewhere every year it didn't end up on our news. The US have bailed out the irresponsible lenders so waste has been rewarded. That's not news, it's fraud. And as for the Hadron Collider, give me strength...

My own life is not affected by anything besides my local news based on the current council member decisions, and the oil price. The economy is a generality, and unless you're in Rwanda or Zimbabwe, or much of Eastern Europe, you are in charge of your own destiny. You won't go broke here or in the US unless there's a good reason for it. People who gamble or borrow too much are not affected by the economy but their own decisions. People who study and get decent jobs as a result can set themselves up to be protected. And if you get income and savings in as many different places as possible then you aren't relying on one to win or lose. I'd be delighted if every twat with more than say £1000 personal credit was foreclosed, which they can and do do on business loans at will, and see the results. That would make them think next time. It's not their money and they are paying stupid fees for the privilege of using it. And half the time the companies know it's a waste of effort and let them off the debts eventually. Just as our governments are now big time. Great example to the world. You fuck up everyone else's cash and we'll sort you out. And in America it can't even affect the election result as they both voted for it. All corrupt at the bottom of it and no surprise there.

Summer is over, it's cold now and getting dark earlier, and I may start a painting soon and wind back the photography while it's not so easy. I'm no longer chasing women besides old exes online, and the media work comes to me and not any effort of my own. I've accepted any friends I had are either abroad or drifted off and the remainder aren't replacements so I don't bother. Just wandering around Golders Green in the shops, roads and parks is good enough for now, as although I no longer live or work near there I can get there quickly and still be part of the life there. I worked in 4 different shops there, washing up in a cafe, my first real job in an estate agent, a week taking orders in a butcher's as a student and 5 years in the sports shop. I continued walking up and down the very long rows of shops offering my experience and generated absolutely no interest. The customers were the worst, having worked in shops all over the place, but it's a nice area. I'll be checking the postcard sales as well soon as two places won't pay me before they sell them and bound not to tell me if they do. But that is publicity not work, although eventually may lead to some.

So basically my plans are no longer active. Doing courses is the easiest way to change your life and I did that endlessly so despite some people suggesting I do more (let them at 48...) have drawn a line there. In case anyone missed it that's a law degree (1984) certificate in counselling (88) diploma in counselling (91) certificate in hypnosis (93?) and memberships of the psychotherapy, hypnotherapy and counselling organisations at pretty high levels. I also did Reiki as a healer and teacher as well as shamanic healing. But these are qualificatons to be self employed (ie you don't need them) as legally anyone can do all this with not one day's study. And there aren't many real jobs for us so I don't have one. The only work it's ever got me besides private is from students who need someone with my qualifications and all pay half price and get loads of extra help for nothing. Great. I like doing it but it's just a hobby really as the expenses beat the income this year so far by hundreds. I don't care as the one free thing it has done is allow me to speak as an 'expert'. Thank god for small mercies. You study for 3 years for what you expect to be a profession and the only real benefit is when you get interviewed by the media. They want qualifications as well so do actually treat us far better than the government who say therapy qualifications are meaningless.

I wouldn't have done anything differently though as that's what I want to do, and entertainment isn't based on qualifications but getting an Equity card and being bloody persistent. Just with the smallest talent you only get work through networking, bribery (if you are dishonest) and persistence. You must make yourself obvious and get to know as many successful people as possible who then feed you work over those far better but unknown. It's not a secret. I gave up the Equity route as studying all those years (and failing many on the way) was using all my attention without leading two lives at once. And again at 48 I'm not finding some sleazy hotel and trying to entertain people who are drunk for a year for that, I've tried and it's really not worth it, and those are the non-Equity jobs.

And finally although I haven't done my 'passive diversion' routine to put anyone off, so many people who did get back in touch with me have vanished again I'm really wondering what gets into them? Besides reporting it all here (that's what a blog does) I haven't named any of them and when they can see who I mean it's all been positive, as I'm only rude when treated badly already. I only put people off when they want to go out somewhere and my condition stops me. If they wee really good friends they don't care anyway, but the others come and go and wouldn't push myself for any of them as it can set me back for months. My limits are very clear as are the results of trying to cross them. I've tried often enough to know where that line is and to respect it. They don't care or understand but expect me to with their problems. Par for the course. As for the woman who kept up with me for 34 years and it was me who didn't get it on as she lived too far away, why she's dropped me now is the oddest one as it's not like her. The other person who just did is also quite unlikely to but don't know him so well to trust him like that. But she was one of the few examples I had of someone I could look up to and respect. How anyone like that can be a turd like everyone else doesn't make sense and it would make more if she'd been killed (like two others I couldn't track down) but she hasn't. I told her all this a couple of days ago but I've got more chance of sucking my own cock than getting anything from her. QED.


diver said...

"They don't care or understand but expect me to, with their problems."
I think this is what happens when people know you have counselling qualifications ... some people can only respond to the persona, not the person. It's a bummer, just part of the fine print on the certificates, I guess.

As for the woman who kept up with you for 34 years ... I wouldn't be dismissing her too quickly David. 34 years is a big investment. I'd be thinking she's got some genuine feelings for you, perhaps romantic and repressed, perhaps just warm and altruistic. It's nice in either case. Maybe she's just going through a phase?

David said...

That's the half of it, but one reason I became a counsellor was people did it anyway and I knew what to do. One gym instructor came up to me after I'd been there a week and told me all his problems as 'I looked understanding'. Go figure!

As for Christine, although the 34 years were with regular 10 year gaps when we lost touch, I got her number, she got married and then divorced, you and I agree on her motives, and is very strange she's suddenly changed with such a consistent record till now. It really makes no sense at the moment.

diver said...

I forgot to mention it in my previous comment : this diver bloke is actually tashi, reinvented. Cheers.

David said...

Yep, I just had to click the profile to see that- thanks for adding it though! Glad your trip went well, I doubt I could do anything close to that.