Saturday, October 18, 2008

Plans needed now

Another week has passed, or passed away, I'm not sure yet. Routine is the word, and the high spot was probably when a door to door hawker came today trying to sell me Sky TV and was not only honest but I was on the verge of asking her out. A few more minutes and I would have but she won't be back so too late. It does show how people come to us though if nothing else, just like my late pussycat did in 1999. I have ticked off a series of jobs, I cleared my whole laundry basket for the first time since I had it, bought a week's food, got my postcards back they didn't want, got my 2nd excerpt from Mystery Hunters online at last although with a logo in it, filled in some official forms for a job I did, as well as the usual photos and family visits.
I see a path ahead where this happens endlessly, killing time and just doing what I either have to do or can think of to occupy myself. I reject as many people as reject me as we all find some people more trouble than no one at all. I may have to revive at least one of those when the space becomes too much, as there's no one else I can think of. If they even want to see me again.
Since my annual holiday stopped I've met nearly all my friends from others. Some parties but either way friends of friends. So when the friends dry up you stop finding more. A circular equation.

I do know everything goes in unexplained phases, so this should end as all have before it, but not through my hand. Something in the way of a blockage has to shift and I can't poke it myself. However I seem to have an inner blockage going since my understanding of enlightenment and that would cover everything else, but till then I live in duality and have to suffer it. So with no sensible plans I can either fill the house with more paintings, do more dodgy music recordings, meditate, watch all my videos and more TV, make phone calls with nothing to talk about, keep looking up old friends who don't want to hear from me, or something original.
One friend agreed if I am placed in a position not to go out a lot there's a reason for it, and I agree. It's not like I'm missing anything besides football and now I've been back I'm not missing it now. All the other places besides friend's houses are worn out by now and of little interest if I never go to them again. People go out because they're bored as much as any positive reason, there's a quota of films and performances we all want to cover, parties and the like, and travelling. I did it for 25 years, some was good, but realised without a family and woman to come home to life was pretty empty. So I've got my priorities right and if I can't manage what everyone else still does then who cares. I even managed to swallow a rude word there, I am learning. Probably as I was so heavily told off and punished when I did at about 8 I feel like catching up now as I can. 40 years of repressed f words. My mother turned me into a bloody wuss. Shows you can't remove energy, you either release it or store it for later.

So what ridiculous plans can I think of? I can make a video of suburbia with someone filming me with a plan, script and professional equipment I can't afford, and no company who wants it, and have to pay an editor to finish the job. Then I could write a book based on my life and philosophy to gather dust and be read by no one. Both would take a lot of time and end up with a very costly product which was absolutely worthless. And these are the big projects I actually can do given the time and money. I tried the dating agencies and clubs twice already (I don't mean I used them twice, but spent a few years twice with one girlfriend to show for it all and hundreds of pounds down the pan) so seen that's a useless pursuit, I'd love to nose around the inside of houses in Golders Green to see where I'd like to move given the money but haven't the cheek as I'm not a genuine buyer. I will be doing some IQ tests to see if it's worth doing another one for Mensa, and beyond that can't think of a thing.

I learnt some time ago there are no answers, not in duality, as that is its nature. And what drives a few people in every thousand to look beyond. If you're satisfied with life you're one of the lucky ones, but many are just pretending as they feel it's a sign of failure to admit you're not, but believe me, it's the nature of life that is bound to make us unsatisfied sooner or later, and if not you're either very lucky or just not there yet. We all share the same universe.

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