More than meets the eye

I will reiterate two replies to yesterday's comment here, god is not religion and I do not believe, I don't know. That means all believers are also agnostics as if they don't know they have no basis to believe. If you're not enlightened you have no direct knowledge of god, and even they may have it wrong. But the synchronicity in my own life and others tells me that as everything frequently fits together so exactly it would need a scriptwriter, then either I'm creating the lot like a dream or a force which can create and control everything is, and that's a pretty good definition of god. That doesn't make god good or bad, the good part isn't even in the bible as god is a moody bastard and so was his son Jesus, so if you expect the existence of god to mean it should be like heaven then you haven't read enough to demonstrate god is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent. No one said he's a decent guy really from many official sources, he smites, creates ghastly illnesses and all the things the atheists use as a reason he can't exist, while in fact no one who does believe ever thought the opposite but still believes despite all the nasty stuff.

So god existing won't stop all the usual crap happening or not, if god made bogies and periods it means he has a mean streak and like all dictators may well enjoy the power a bit too much, or it could be a test for us and we do indeed move on to better and better places. Who knows, but at least I've learnt one lesson here is that god existing has never meant heaven on earth.

My goal of enlightenment is the escape from the effects of the crap, as that crap is always the same and as that won't change only we can. I have extended all my own feelings and senses through meditation already to prove what we start with is only the basics, and all can be improved, but unlike my weightlifting all but the clairvoyance die down very quickly and can't often be recalled at will. But once you've seen you can see auras, feel way better than normal, and hear others can do the same for every other area then we are designed to increase and improve our resources indefinitely, and enlightenment is the spiritual equivalent of a PhD. Having spent 13 years using pretty basic methods to reach that level I got basically nowhere, and only discovered a couple of teachers who used the god analogy as a route rather than a goal, as by personifying the force you get in touch with it better. That's where the mind is dropped as there's no point trying to understand the mechanisms as I said last time, just trust the teachers and any results you get. How and why isn't important. But I'll never get religion, that's nothing to do with god and just a spiritual version of politics.

I suppose I'm pretty lucky I've found a small crack in the seal anyway, not big enough for me to get through yet but enough to have allowed a little more through when it opened a bit. There are other clues I notice which imply there is a bit more than random chance behind the lot, but my goal is simply to feel good as is everyone else's. Labelling it isn't as important as getting there, and also if I see things happen around me which aren't supposed to then it is my duty to investigate. Synchronicity is written about throughout history, and basically a tiny minority of people want to know more so will not be interested in getting any higher than they already are, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. But the few motivated to keep going beyond the boundaries of existing knowledge can't avoid doing so and is not necessary for anyone else to want to follow. Many predictions say we are all headed there eventually, but some have to start although everyone will follow in the end. It's the same evolution which affects everything else and if we're still evolving then our consciousness will do so too.

So basically most people can't get this, and the few who do know pretty much exactly what I'm saying and our only problem is getting there. We can't do much else as it promises so much more than we could get otherwise.

Talking to God

Having come across two teachers who cut out the middle man (ie themselves) and ask you to talk to God yourself, I felt this was probably the best route myself, my screenname of satguru replies to the god within that tells you what it knew before you as an individual discovered it directly. I had a few questions and the first thing I switched on today was a film where the main man was saying how he heard God's voice directly and didn't tell many people as although many others he knew did most people would assume he was potty. That's clearly timing as usual for me. The synchronicity works but the gaps (apparent) in between make business a far longer chore than the possible pleasure to follow. I'm still caught in the illusion of having to suffer for my benefits.

The two threads of finding God within are transcending all outside events and changing them to fit. The two schools claim either it's better to be peaceful whatever happens regardless or to make things the way we want as we already create them but have to learn how to control it. In the end both are presumably accurate and purely up to the individual which appeals more. This goes way beyond changing your thoughts as my thoughts normally reflect outside rather than vice versa, that is they record rather than influence. Teaching grandma to suck eggs has always applied, if you tell someone something they don't know it's a gift, if you tell them where their shoes are, or the local shop they already know, and if you go a step further and say although you've been going shopping locally for 15 years they know a quicker way of getting there you'd probably say they were taking the piss. It's nearly as cheeky as my clients telling me how to do my counselling or challenge the method I'm using. I know people want to know more than others but that is arrogance or bossiness and not actually helping even when people think it is.

I am designed to teach and communicate, and only share when I'm pretty well certain what I know. That's the result of a law degree as anything else gets put in the bin by the lecturers. Once you've been trained to work things out before sharing them you are sorted. However, in true Buddhist tradition I only aim to offer teaching when asked, unless simply writing to the world as I do here. One thing I do know is not to treat the pupils with any judgement, as you don't learn like that, you rebel. Challenge someone's personality rather than their learning and it becomes a fight. Patronise or interfere where it's not your business and you are not teaching but on an ego trip. I also recommend people find their intuition, test it over and over again, and then realise as I did that you can know many things without actually experiencing them in any way previously. If someone seems wrong, check, and if you find they are then you can probably tell more or less instantly. You don't need to know or care why any more than how your TV works. We don't need the circuit diagrams in life, just the TV guides. Pick a topic and tune in.

People also all learn and respond in different ways. I either get something instantly if simple or on a long and winding route if complex. You can't speed it up unless you can cut the corners of the teaching. But if the teacher loses patience it is their weakness and not the pupil's, and in life unlike school there are no deadlines to pass. And some people take what I write here about myself far too seriously, as I don't mean it as such. I report the daily activities intentionally as an outsider rather than personally, stating direct facts rather than my opinion on them. It reads like a diary as it is a diary, and half the purpose is to sort out my own mind by emptying it out and looking at it. It gets it out of me and allows me to see where I am. As I enjoy reading other people's diaries I do it in public but aren't really expecting anything to change as a result of doing so.

Finally hold up a mirror. How would you react if someone 'taught' you the way you teach others? Would you like it, learn from it or kick them in the nuts? Well if you'd do the third option that is how you make other people feel by your own version of tough love. It's confrontational and teaching isn't a competition or a punishment, if anyone wants to teach at any level or capacity they have to learn the rules first.

Tell the truth or your nose will be cut off

I think we're not all that different, regardless of other things, the one time I was suddenly swamped with visitors here was when I had a troll for a few weeks and the visits made three figures on some days. I to love watching other people's arguments as in life most is so controlled that if you're watching a race or a discussion it's only really fun when it goes flying out of control. Short of suffering arseholes like that more frequently you'll have to make do with my own material the rest of the time, and as I combine real life with inspiration when both tend to come to a halt although my writing doesn't clearly its appeal does.

Of course half the benefit of the blog is my own. Many people have journals, so as you'd have written it anyway then I'm writing mine here. You don't care about the quality of your own as no one else reads it (as far as we know) so hard to remember sometimes when I'm going over material to try and learn something from it everyone else has to suffer at the same time. And not everyone gets my jokes. There is a funny side to most things, usually when we aren't responsible for the laundry, but that's the same as watching a fight or being in it. Schadenfreude seems to be almost universal, partly as life is usually dull and partly as it means it's not our turn today. One thing I have learnt this year is how easy it is to manipulate people by authority, and how hard it is to undo such effects. The reasons and excuses I've seen why commonsense is ignored while anyone with a few relevant letters after their name can basically say whatever they like, provide evidence like Dr Who's psychic paper (nothing written on it, it just makes you believe there is) and refuse to dispute a word of it.

I hope it wears off. We do wake up from all dreams and trances as that's their nature, so even if no one tried teaching the zombies facts one by one they'd wake up and think 'How did I manage to believe all this crap?' for crap it is. My life has been so wasted the last year or two learning all I can about how they invented global warming, and then being ignored when passing it along to the unconverted. Thank goodness the first paper reported James Hansen's unique temperature figures for the year so I no longer have to share it, and once it's known they make it up then one by one the followers have to both notice it and realise if their great rulers make it up then they aren't able to prove it really happens. The prosecution case is a fitup. You can't lie about anything forever as the truth is always there to show you're wrong. You can hide it, delay it and swerve around the challenges almost indefinitely, but when the first fact or two sneaks through a crack then it's quite hard to stop more following. Will 2011 be the year people quietly move on and leave the nonsense behind or will it go on and on and on?

Well that's the sermon for today. If our hopes have been falsely raised on the UFO leak ahead then so be it, although the leak itself seems hard to block at this stage only its quality remains to be known. But remember no one needs qualifications to assess others' material. If you find you can originate it yourself than you don't need tp be qualified either for that matter, as many inventors demonstrate. But don't let anyone tell you if you're not qualified you can't understand anything technical. Just because you can't pass their exams we are all able to grasp individual points. Commonsense and intuition are above outside learning and should be the test to which wrong academics are put. That's why we use a jury in every civilised country of the world, who have the power to kill without it being a crime. Having the power to see a liar is something we are all qualified to do if we use it.

Answering the questions

Just to continue the last entry I suspect I've got a jigsaw with a bit or two missing. Although I've checked this stuff out for half my life and can confirm this changing your thoughts stuff is not common knowledge besides simple corrections in cognitive therapy, but appears to be a genuine formula regardless of how little known, but I'm still missing a bit. No doubt as I have most of it if that is the case and I find the final piece I may find it works. But no one can work with a partial formula so I'll just wait and if it happens then I'll try it out.

Otherwise it's slush or ice except on the main roads, depending if day or night, I can get around but limited to safe and essential travel. For flyover fans I'm surrounded bu not one but two tier bridges all round me, so used the short amount of daylight to film the major junctions around the North Circular, and hope to get to Highgate next weather permitting. Just to address some of the previous comments a bit more, my friend situation was like watching water slowly drain from a bucket. As most of my friends arrived over 20 years ago making new friends had never been anything I needed to do as I kept my old ones. One by one they vanished one way or another, and although I see them occasionally if still around London (none are local now as they all went elsewhere except me) I can't just pop in or vice versa. Without being too condescending there is always a hard core of what I can only call mental patients (most met and socialised through the local hospital which is how I was introduced in one case, and they nearly all know each other) who can't work so call me as I'm around and have to make the best of seeing them when it's impossible to wriggle out. The only reason I point this out is they are usually dominated by their symptoms which although entirely beyond their say not exactly the best company as a result. Plus the ex who is little different but my current female activity. People will constantly turn up and go throughout life so I just have to get a new one locally to replace the spaces. I had never gone out to 'make friends' in the past, it just happened, and is not something you can treat like going shopping for a person.

I still have longer term ambitions but unless I get a shift on them little point in saying 'no news yet'- but includes a second article on the system, although I think silence is rejection with the fourth one I've sent off to the other people. I still constantly see that the watched pots rarely boil, it's when you take your attention off anything it may shift simply from your lack of attention. That means we do interact with our environments which in turn must partly be projected or at least affected by us. If I'm looking for a specific item I rarely find it, but the act of looking means I often find one of the previous items I'd lost instead. So to extend it to nebulous and hard to pin down areas like friends then the more you aim to find them the less likely you will. That's not science but experience. Again more missing bits of everyone's jigsaw as I challenge every single person to know how we are able to influence our surroundings with our minds. But throughout history people say they only get what they really want when they give up trying. I did that long ago, and as far as business is concerned do my bit of creating new material, but accept that it's out of my hands what others choose to do with it. That's my part of the deal, I create what I can, send it to as many people I can think of and that's my side covered. Business has pretty simple and direct rules so haven't had many problems with it as quite easy to follow.

Other than that I am finding that whatever I write here ends up as a means to learn myself, as of course if I've got problems then laying them out for the world to read means they get pointed out even if I didn't know some were there. Knowing the enemy is over half way to killing it. Had I not written it then no one would have seen it and I'd never have even been aware of it, so any suffering caused to the readers is more than compensated if it actually helps me fix the problems. Who wants problems? If someone points one out with me you can be certain if it's recognised then I do everything I can about it. If it was easy to fix then it wouldn't be much of a problem, but mine are guaranteed to be the knottiest complexities as I've had plenty of years to sort out all the others already. I'm now reaching the toughest leg of the journey, one we don't even know if it ends let alone where, but have to trust others to tell us it has a destination, and as a student of anything the final tests are always the hardest (except in my degree as we knew more after three years so didn't get so confused, but don't let exceptions ruin my point), so my biggest demons are now coming out and being faced, as anyone can deal with the everyday stuff but if you want to be a master of your circumstances you have to be able to handle the lot. A good teacher never sets their students tests beyond them, so we are told we get nothing in life till we can handle it. This isn't a big one as far as living with it is concerned, the issue is its sheer weight and complexity. But I'm aware of it and the last person to want to live with anything I can sort out if at all possible. I expect some time I may go into some of the hurdles I've had to cover in the past, I am certainly familiar with it.

Changing my thoughts?

I hope I'm slowly finding my way. Firstly, when I hear advice and criticism I always check it out. I suspect either I'm missing a bit with the changing your thoughts formula or it's not as it seems. All I know is our thoughts and feelings come first, we can't change our feelings for the better directly, we can learn to get more information so we understand what we're doing, but changing your thoughts to me is about learning and no more. Breaking habits is not exactly changing but suppressing your thoughts, as if you see negative thoughts they're no more your fault than a headache, but do have a choice to act on them. In fact even negative thoughts are only based on a lack of information and if you knew the full picture would either go away on their own or know the unfortunate truth and have to live with it. Only meditation is the indirect way besides drugs to make yourself feel better, but without poisoning yourself. That tends to be slow, intermittent and unreliable so unless you go on antidepressants, which won't make you happy either but stop you sinking too low, that's just how it is. Enlightenment is the only escape and we can't get that quickly or easily either but all I can aim for ultimately as the next level above our lower level of emotions.

Logic aside, just knowing I am awareness doesn't get you or me enlightened, but is a doorway to it in seconds. I am aware of this, it changes nothing for me but focuses my being from the body to the space in the present. The more you focus the further you go through this doorway, and you can do it anywhere. It's not based on understanding but persistence and direct awareness as a result.

Back here the snow came today and stopped me going anywhere besides walking around to see the carnage, one total anus was driving his van down a sideroad while continuing to use the phone as he would on a motorway or other road in normal weather. The trouble is in a van he's far more likely to kill someone else, blame it on the snow and get no consequences whatsoever. Not my problem or business as I well know but they are everywhere and we can only ignore them as we do the dogshit all over the same streets, and just avoid it when we see it. Other than the live chat christmas quiz not letting me in tonight, the normal one has worked weekly or more for seven years and the one new event I can't attend and join in, but not the worst thing that could happen. The snow isn't expected to go in a hurry and may not be able to carry on what I normally do for some time. Even the main roads are unusable so unless that changes suddenly without the temperature rising above zero that will continue.
I have also started Falun Gong, having found the exercises in the book are online so no need to turn pages while exercising (I presume they expect someone else to do it for you), and will continue as long as I can now. It looks like good stuff and although I'm not yet sure how you get your initiations without the master no doubt will discover more.

Last week demonstrated what a waste making plans is. The builders never arrived despite tying me up for three days waiting to hear from them, whether they went yesterday when it was dry is anyone's guess but don't have to go back now as far as I know. I had plan Bs every day, even if only thought of on the spot, but collected videos, photos and more quiz victories online and did a little work as well. Last night I actually heard a piece of music from the 60s in a dream I'd forgotten about over 40 years ago, and now posted it in the usual places to see if anyone knows which TV programme it was from. Needless to say it was impossible to get the car serviced as it was on standby each day, and no call back from the barber as usual, in fact nobody except the Open University who informed me why they don't sell videos. But they may now add some on Youtube so may still get to see some again. Anyway, I will sum up the changing thoughts situation I have so far, if I know exactly what's happening then I can do the right things about it, if not I'm not sure, and without information our minds tend to try and protect us and assume the worst. That can be ignored but not prevented as it's natural, and our feelings only react either to events or completely at random. Often they barely react to thoughts so whatever you think or do that is how you feel till it passes, just like the snow. Now if I'm missing a bit I want to know what it is as I'm a bit lost here.

Working it out.

My latest theory- the more people do the less time they have to blog, so unless you're a born writer like me I think you're going to find many people blog as they have too much time on their hands. Maybe I'm wrong. I had plenty today, just before I was going to leave I had the call the builders couldn't work as it was raining so with maybe an hour of light left had to think what I could get to I hadn't done already (five years with the digital camera) and realised I can make videos anywhere, and did a quick circle to Wembley Park. I then dropped in at the Co Op and as luck would have it the resident comedian actually liked the idea of being filmed so ended up with him as well. He's been entertaining customers longer than I've lived here this time round, although I remember when the counter was the bank and the tills were somewhere else. So for the third day running I'm meant to be meeting the builders tomorrow and working in the evening.

Thank goodness the Falun Gong originally in a book is now online so I can do all the exercises properly and easily, as you can't turn pages while learning them as well. It's one more thing to do and work on and may do as much or more than anything else I try. Meanwhile we've been put in the ridiculous position of being told something will happen within a few months (randomly) with the Wikileaks ufo reports, but not when exactly. The speculation is growing and with the poor bloke being locked up without charge (remember this is Britain, not Cuba or China, so can now see how little difference there is when pushed) makes me worry that his organisation will follow, and possibly before the only possibly valuable item has been released. Do they really need to flood the media with what is now considered meaningless and irrelevent unfiltered guff the media have now quite rightly stopped reporting while he's already said he's got something people actually do want to know. I carry on with business as normal as no alternative but is a bit of a mess.

Regarding the earlier comment about changing thinking, as usual when faced with what can only be interpreted as a cliche, I've worked out that our thinking is nearly all based on information. The only way that can improve is when we know enough to understand what's going on. The only faulty thinking besides a few easily identified bad habits is based simply on not having the information to know what you need to so naturally worrying about it as a result. Blaming the wrong people (especially yourself) or blowing up the possible chances of disaster a millionfold (my personal favourite) would instantly vanish should we know the truth. That's not a fault with the person or how they think, it is just not possible to know what they need to to relax. That includes what is and isn't possible and what does and doesn't work. Meeting women for instance. Outsiders happily assume you can meet a woman simply by doing something about it. What actually happens is you can share a room with women in almost infinite ways, but one where they are right for you and single is down to no more than chance. Using dating sites normally eliminates the majority who are not single but as for quality forget it. Just one example. I've been analysing this stuff as long as I remember, more or less bagged the business side in my 20s which I've proved in reality since, but the pleasure side isn't within our direct control. Meditation is the only indirect method without poisoning yourself with drugs, as all others require other people who we can't control, let alone trying to improve how we feel directly which is the same as trying to lift ourselves off the ground by our own shoelaces. That's not faulty thinking not to try, but to think it can be done.

No magic formulas then, I've spent time and money checking for 20 odd years, some work once quickly for a short time (hours maximum) but like drugs try again and mysteriously nothing happens. With meditation the key is only persistence, and quite possibly using a few methods at once attacks from different directions as well. Add to that some teachers say do nothing, just by listening to them it'll happen naturally, contrasted with others who can have you chanting and breathing odd ways all day long. In the end enlightenment comes to people who simply pursue it and unless stick with one teacher from start to finish (many who do get nothing as well) can't even tell what did it or not. But that's separate from real life as you don't really see the benefit till you're almost there, and have to deal with everything else till that happens just as you were before. You can't cheat the mind, it is always stronger so the only way to win is to move your awareness beyond its effect. You can try every trick in the book to wrongfoot it but it's our master if we pay it any attention at all, so better to leave it to its own devices, be aware of them, and expect little better from it. Once you become the master then it won't matter how many habits it has, it will only be used to organise your life and no longer rule it.

As my friend says (as I can't take credit if not me), we didn't design our minds, and all the reactions and thoughts come like the weather, we can only decide whether to act on them or not. You can't do a damn thing with the feelings (anyone who tells me they can and how can go and swap Al Gore and Barack Obama's Nobel prizes for themself as they'd deserve two at least) and till then STFU. If not then if you feel good you're lucky, not clever. Everyone else is not, end of. Nothing overlooked or avoided.

The world is a mess but we could fix it.

I am never going to question the value of the internet again. I came home last night and it was down, I spent the time I would have been on phoning India (ie over half an hour waiting for an answer) and if they sent the engineer today as arranged apparently can now fix many faults in the box outside and not even come in to see the result. The fact the operator checked the line for me today and said it was intermittent but if I can watch video to leave it as it is was good enough, I am able to get on with my life. The research alone I do would be almost impossible otherwise, before you add in the quizzing and social side. So a definite asset, any downside is no different from any other excess in life, nothing is designed to be overused, even your women...

So I think the question was using the internet both excessively and ahead of real life, which I always answer if I didn't have a real life first I'd have nothing to come back and report on the internet. It's my wife and family, which I either don't have or have intermittently depending which of the two I refer to. But neither are at home so hence the internet. It's similar to when people lived in communities and had family all around so didn't need professional counsellors, the role was always there but now requires strangers as most people don't have a proper community to support them now. And I suppose if it can change to the minus instantly it can turn back pretty quickly as well when the person arrives.
The trip to see the builders at my late grandma's was delayed another day so had it to myself unexpectedly today, I only managed a quick walk round the park before it got dark but then continued to catch up with phone calls and the like before anything came on TV to watch a lot later on.

I think it's about time Wikileaks released their UFO story, the rumours grow every day and as no one outside the group actually has a clue what the story is then the longer they wait the greater the chances they all have of being bumped of and having the information destroyed, let alone everyone wasting their time speculating. Meanwhile the latest claim that 2010 is the hottest year ever (they mean 1979 but as there are no laws to stop people lying per se then you have to check that independently) is shown to disagree with every other measurement, and prove how easy it is to create climate reports to order and not be challenged when discovered. The fact no one has been questioned on the latest revelations besides any other since the hockey stick and a possible case in New Zealand demonstrates far more that there is an agreement to keep the story going at all costs as otherwise people would be answering questions in enquiries around the world, with consequences once discovered for sure. But no, the authors are free to continue turning out what are now openly manipulated pictures, while their peers produce different unrelated versions as if this was the most normal thing on earth, while no one outside a tightly knit group of concerned citizens online gives a flying damn. As there is no law to snare these bastards with as yet (perversion of science isn't even a sacking offence if it attracts funding) then the fake climate graphs will continue to cause power cuts in the future, as well as massive travel restrictions and taxes we've never seen the like of.

Of course with the Royal Family and X Factor (take away the titles and the personnel are almost interchangeable, except the Royal Family aren't known as singers) people don't want to be concerned with their governments' activities as long as the TV is on and the Royals haven't been deposed. If the alien claims proved correct I doubt many people would even care, but if their favourite celebrity is kicked out of Strictly they'll dress up in sackcloth and ashes and sit shivah for a week. With such priorities they will basically get away with everything they want as people worldwide barely seem to vary when all are free to share their views online (outside the communist bloc of course). The fact that we are heading the same totalitarian way, familiar to anyone who's studied politics, is no more real than a cartoon film to them, but will suddenly wake up the day their computer cannot power up as there won't be any power. And their granny dies of hypothermia. Then it's too late. We can't predict the climate as it's too complex, but politics give you previews and trailers so we know exactly what they've got saved up for us. In Australia, as the UK, people chose to vote for 'green' policies, which is more or less asking to destroy your society in under a decade. The greens are yesterday's socialist workers and worse, and will do their best to bring capitalism and civilisation down, with your help if you vote for them. There are alternatives, and the US is the first country in the world who have voted some of them in, so there is a crack in the armour but it has to be widened before we can kill the giant.

Watching paint dry

Every part of our lives is subject to a natural change, and probably pretty well even between positive and negative. Focusing on the improving areas, I do like to see if any have improved from time to time as there's always a list of stuck areas impossible to change directly which may or may not shift more or less independently, like our current congestion charge or what time it gets dark. All seeing things change from negative to positive. The few I have control over directly are how my house and garden look, while most others tend to change like the weather only a lot more slowly. They range from what's going on outside, like car designs, or my own life like being published or on TV. The outside news it totally outside my control, like a TV script, but the personal stuff mainly depends on my doing the start and other people marking it like an exam, pass or fail. This covers anything I create, sell, write and asking women out or contacting old friends. We are not able to cover whole jobs on our own in most areas of life, so whatever ambitions we have the only thing we can do is persist when we are turned down. It can get boring when on a losing streak but that is the nature of change itself, it happens apparently randomly but for me more in phases of specific similar happenings.

So it's like seeing a sideways bar chart of lots of different issues, changing from red to blue when they shift, and one small pleasure I have is when I see one that's been stuck for ages and apparently never to change finally move without me doing a thing about it. It could be an old friend getting in touch, getting money paid that was owed to me, having something published, that type of thing. The ancients created the rain dance to try and end the drought and probably killed a few women and peasants when it didn't work as well, now we either carry on with our normal business and wait or use The Secret and see if it's any better than a rain dance. I'll work on another couple now, it's time the drought was broken again.

Going with the flow

I started today with not a single plan. I didn't need it as two work bookings materialised soon after, and filled the gaps with the TV and tidying the house in preparation beforehand. I've got tomorrow covered by family duties so no need to think there either, and still covering the spiritual teachings online as they are really the only way to get where I need to in life, the rest is just keeping busy until then as I've pretty well realised you can't find it in the real world.
Meanwhile I hear (aren't rumours wonderful?) the Wikileaks UFO revelation will be the downed craft and crew in the 70s. If so then the attention will leave Wikileaks, realise the truth and then realise what total arseholes governments are for hiding this and presumably every other story they knew about for ages. I found the other day all US energy patents for more efficient generators are instantly made secret by law, so the very fact they openly remove anything which would improve our quality of life proves already what they think of the people they are supposed to serve.

To remind myself more than anything my current understanding is on the enlightenment front is:
1) Before we think who we are, that is what we actually are. If for example, you wake up disoriented and take a few seconds before you remember who and where you are, that is the real you before the human added identity comes in. Basically it's awareness.

2) As my awareness is the same as your awareness/everyone's awareness it is quite possible it is the same awareness. Not the same AS yours but the only one there is.

3) However many methods you use or theories you hear most are a part of a whole picture. They are aspects rather than the sole qualities or there would be a different version of enlightenment for each teacher. I don't believe a single teacher is guaranteed to produce results from anyone (from personal experience) and better to take what you need and add it from each. The actual result is more down to persistence and chance than following any single method, most people who have don't seem to have got anywhere while their teachers nearly all have either moved from teacher to teacher or awakened on their own.

4) All I currently know is enlightenment is the level of consciousness directly above this one. It loses any identity with an individual and as such is infinite in its awareness. There are too many people claiming the same thing to all be inventing it.

There are many more small points, most of which I've mentioned before, but to me it seems maybe it'll all fall into place one day like a puzzle rather than see a bit change here and there. I actually find I feel closer to it when talking about it to others (as one teacher recommends) as it's the same as Jesus saying when two or more people join to talk about me they shall become closer to me. I share everything I know by nature, so whatever I know I tell people about. When I was a teacher I even got paid for it, until six years of the identical routine became too much and stuck to private pupils till the demand ran out. I could teach survival methods now, as I do in my articles, and would like to lecture in them as well but it's not really an academic area or one where ordinary people would be that interested. And enlightenment transcends all lower issues so better to look there than the details of specific problems. My mind still can't quite understand it, as it wasn't designed to. Enlightenment can only be understood after the event so only removing concepts from it can help rather than adding any. I am an individual person is the main one to go, I can see that very clearly now but it's only stage one.

Another bloody week isn't it

OK, here we go. Change the bloody record. If I can. I've just read for £7000 you can now get a genuine looking hair transplant. Besides the number of tranquilisers (probably IV would be required) I'd need to stay put for however long they make you keep still I still reckon I could get nearly as many women (1) than I may if I had more hair (2 possibly?). Now if they could come to me and do it (how much more would that cost) I'd go for it, had the money been available of course.

I really believe life can present you with locked doors from time to time, with no visible way through. Nearly every one then gets opened from the other side, and the nerves aren't quite up to visiting anyone new yet as that would require a lot more time and gradual exposure. I could have invited myself to a few more people otherwise but always better safe than sorry with panic disorder. So remove the areas covered by my current limitations and that's what I've got to make the best of. It's like reading a menu and eliminating the ones with mushrooms, seafood, raisins and then whatever's off that day. No one wants a surprise prawn in their rice if they can help it. I have, and would like given the chance to use my material on stage somehow. That's one reason I come here, it's the nearest thing plus my youtube blogs to what I always liked doing. From the homework what I did over the weekend essays onwards. Despite having over 20 already, Streetview found three more no through road signs on a mile or so of road nearby. Each was under the road name so had three different roads attached to the same sign like the old days when that was what they all had. There are older ones with catseyes (I have a couple), usual iron or steel ones, painted ones and older plain ones with a different font so not all identical, but no new versions left for me besides the almost (and possibly) unique one pre-1953 with a red triangle on it.

I don't think I've got anything left on the possible system besides the next article, I can't see any joy from the second magazine though but will have another go once I get an idea what to write next. The Friends Reunited and similar are mainly curiosity value, but the odds of getting an old friend back are higher than any other way despite being astronomical it does happen. Admittedly not to me, I met one girl from school after a year or so and that was the lot. Facebook is now gradually adding more 'real people' simply because they've joined, and it does work as they meet each other there like they would at my parties although many would live too far away to meet in reality. But only enhances life rather than replaces it.

So of course you can't change who you are any much inside as you can outside, you pull a few strings but it tends to return to normal sooner or later. But I am aimed in a different direction which is really the only way we can get anything outside the business side of life. Nothing more direct has been discovered although I may teach myself falun gong now from a book which is not that simple to remember and need someone to turn the pages of the book or copy them all as each series of moves covers five pages. That's one way to pass the time anyway.

Got the message

I must have got in a rut as just pointed out, the fact the snow and ice made going out a dangerous ordeal (loads of people have had car accidents and falls etc) and it gets dark at 4pm so little worth doing outside after that till March made whatever situation was here come into real focus. I remember there used to be plenty of humour, and do have a number of people who ring me up every day or two with their problems, and my work which is only that, and seems like nearly everything I've heard for weeks have been other people's problems on the phone while just nodding and listening. You can't boot people out of your life, especially a specific few, so if they're on a roll for weeks, months or even years in some cases you just have to take it as they'd either become very upset if you mentioned it (too old and set in their ways to change believe me) or take no notice and carry on. And the few who do see me are usually the same people so just get it directly instead when I do. No wonder I've been joining in, and deliberately not to any specific person as I know just what it feels like and nothing can be done to help.

I do also talk about enlightenment, which of course is the only known escape from any of this, ups as well as downs as they tend to cancel out over time. But life brings phases for much of the time so I hope this is just one more of those, and as I know from experience, once you become aware of one then it has to go as a result. Hopefully that's mainly what was required. But unlike the friends I had here who have made themselves partially or totally unavailable until the last regular was gone, the people on the internet are like them but unavailable in person purely from distance. Over the years I've gradually met some when they've been in London, and met my last girlfriend online. Even my neighbour who used to borrow me for anything he needed help for is now divorced and miles away, and not speaking to me over a business matter where he expected me to go along with his plans without even telling me, and is now calling me a liar as he's pretending he did. The fact I worked for him for 11 years and know his routines means trying to bluff his own employee who dug him out of similar situations for years means he clearly thinks I'm as much of a moron as he considers everyone else he deals with. But one less person anyhow.

So let's see what happens now. Energy is a neutral driving force, like radio frequency, and when it becomes a low level then everything else reflects it. It's really outside our being as it's actually the fuel that drives our lives, and have yet to find a single way to change it by choice. It is much like the weather and unlike the IPCC I accept we can't change either by efforts, however expensive or complex. But seeing it and knowing it is half the job, things definitely haven't been as bad as it sounds, but realised the high spots that do come are no more than that and while peaks do return back to more or less the same place however high each may be. That is more of an equation to solve than anything else, and so far have mainly see these things change on their own than by anything we try and do to fix it. I'm quite used to being able to solve most problems so don't like it when I finally come across one that doesn't even seem to have a way in to start. That's a challenge and although I trust it will change naturally if there's a rain dance or something I can do to help (like the IPCC are trying) I'd probably be as deluded as they are.

Got nowhere so far

Before I go to bed I felt I must come here. Few read any more, even fewer comment but it's my best method of conversation currently so stuff the details. I managed to get out in the car again once I realised my road was the only one left with snow on it, although the ice on the pavements wasn't a good idea to walk on for long. I ended up getting nothing but a free paper in the shops (the one item I wanted to find is apparently no longer being made) but got quite a few photos of the snow and other things so wasn't a total waste of time. I then began my watercolour after being asked about art deco houses, it's looking OK but for some reason I got one window a panel too high and can't really go over it as not oil or acrylic where you can get away with anything. It doesn't ruin it but no longer quite accurate.

Because of the snow I've been mainly indoors besides the quick food trip yesterday and the wander around today, it does become a bit of a cliche when the most interesting parts of the day are deciding what to eat, but you have to find the entertainment where it lies, and also last night did a full circle of online satsang, and realised it's the same as many academic areas where each teacher claims they have the sole answer when in fact each has a part of the picture and I reckon I've put them all together now, although the effects or otherwise are yet to be discovered. The snow's due to melt in a couple of days officially, unless it just stops but stays as ice like last year. So without going back and thinking about it I can't even remember if anything interesting's happened this week. The Test Match began a few hours ago and saw England get three wickets in the first three overs which is always entertaining and extremely rare against a decent team. Besides the usual parent visit in the evening tomorrow is still totally blank, and most of the things I'd like to buy on the way there will be closed by the time I get there so not sure if I'll fit anything like that in as well, and not if it's still icy.

The bottom line of enlightenment is of course what goes on outside is pretty irrelevant as you are no longer affected by it. But till then it's business (literally at times) as usual. I suspect the story may just go on forever unless you get off the train, and how many people honestly manage that? One guy who explains it pretty nicely actually believes it happens when it's ready and nothing we put in in the way of effort makes any difference, but then gives you a pile of things to do so presume it does work like the rest as expected. I'm sure he knows what he means but I'll keep working at it in case something happens.
So my actual plans are now being used up. The builder will be fixing the roof at my late grandparent's next week at least, although my own builder is now ill and may have to get the other guys to do what he was planning as well, as long as someone does I'll be ok. To the enlightened mind you don't care what happens as it's not even real to you and you're fine regardless, but to mine something decent would be nice. I'll keep producing more material for the media to accept or reject and anything else I can think of, and I agree talking about it doesn't change anything either.

It's time for more inspiration, where it comes from I don't know but beyond my scope. The Friends Reunited messages is up to five now, three down and two to add soon I expect. One woman who ran a mile from me and another who only met me when she was engaged to what she described as unstable but is still happily married. And it was a blind date. I do spend a lot of my time helping other people, paid and unpaid, and sometimes it would be nice for some back besides from my family. It's not too much to ask but too much to expect.

Looking at reality again

Due to the weather (with more expected) I've been in more than usual (even for me) so more time to blog of course. I got out for some food today at least, that was quite enough and if we get the heap overnight I won't be going anywhere tomorrow and probably start the painting I saved for such a situation. I even got out of a dodgy arrangement tonight due to the possibility of getting snowed in so has given a benefit as well. I emptied my stationery cupboard in case a letter I thought may exist was in there, I found one item I'd lost straight away and the rest was exactly what I thought was in there and no more and now I've got to put it all back.

I've done a bit of research on the TV programme being syndicated in the US, it basically appears it's still on cable but on many more channels which presumably are available to a lot more people than Discovery. The TV there is so complicated I have no idea what's available otherwise but a move in the right direction. The current theme has been hunting for treasure, one of my favourite activities and began when I found the negative with part of the old road sign on it. I trawl every available area like when I used the metal detector, uncover loads of ring pulls and rusty shit but the occasional coin and even the odd item of gold. I am making as many starts as I can while unable to finish without another person's decision or pure luck. It's a good game as long as you actually win it sometimes.

The current seeking is satsang on Youtube, once I had to visit lectures or watch videos people provided, now I can watch, albeit partially, excerpts of the best teachers around, and realised now although discoveries can work in the mind to remove a blockage, they don't require the mind to work anything out to become enlightened. Use the mind and you bring it into place, so enlightnment has to work without the active use of the mind through meditation- direct experience. That will truly be a deliverance. I see the good and bad in life, but does seem as taught to even out so not worth relying on as the lows cut down all the highs. If you're happy with it then it's fine, but if you're not it's time to look for the only possible way out.

The snow is now piling up, if I do a good painting tomorrow as a result all the better. I've been making plans in reserve for months, you have to when no choice.

Talking to myself

This is actually an exercise to see if writing about things will open the door to allowing any new ideas in, as well as organising my thoughts. I have a free week ahead and few ideas, plus it might snow and keep me indoors. The current options are.

In: Watch videos
Finish spare room
Tidy dining room
Phone calls
Send off my annual psychotherapy forms
Write my next article
Do my next painting

Out: Eye test
Cemetery cleaning visit
Car service

Of course those are in between TV programmes and normal internet activities. I also take photos and videos when light but again limited by darkness and snow so not planning a lot this week. This is the bare skeleton, the rule is normally if tomorrow is covered I needn't go beyond, but although I've been reasonably busy and free for a month or so feel the potential is running down and wanted to see if there was anything I may have missed.

So far nothing has come to me, my current system (normally no more than a handful of distant possibilities) is two articles awaiting decisions, normal work payments which don't really count as shouldn't be uncertain but still nice when arrive, and my latest photo prints which are also not uncertain. The most uncertain now the three witches (in a nice way...) blew me out on Friends Reunited is someone from my drama classes I wrote to on Facebook yesterday so will give that a few days to mature, and that's about it. The only reason I need to make plans like this is I live alone and the old regulars I visited have either left the country or died besides my parents. So more planning is required until someone arrives in my life to replace the spaces left by the previous shift.

So an opportunity to use the two methods from Abraham-Hicks, pivoting, ie looking at the good, and requesting, which is calling in the events as I choose. So to look at the good even if I have nothing to do outside I can watch all the videos queued up, tidy the house completely and see if I can get any visitors, as well as the phone calls. Sadly the old friend I called after hearing on the radio didn't return my message so can fuck right off if she doesn't want to catch up after maybe 15 years. I can also Streetview whatever few roads remain in case more old road signs are waiting to be discovered, they do keep turning up but the roads on the map are more or less covered now. As for creation the list could fill the server memory, but will list the main large and small aims, as if no one knows. I don't think it matters how big the aim as all miracles (as these would be) are equal at that end, only we grade them for size:

A local friend and girlfriend, an article in a newspaper, a programme on terrestrial TV, living back in the area we used to, finding anything I thought I'd lost (the old road sign photo negative was one albeit very distant), find an old friend who actually wants to see me again, get some more work on the old website I was on, get paid for writing, get an apology or three from some of the people who owe me them, fix some of the issues in the world such as proving the global warming graphs are fixed, seeing Al Gore on trial for fraud, getting the truth out on aliens, getting manufacturers to offer old style cars as well as computer designed abortions, and of course my own enlightenment.

Having got two of the old road signs like this as well as fixing a major business issue I am already gaining confidence, as none were guaranteed by any means and also the larger end of the miracles from this side. It's no less of a miracle to be given £5 than £5000 really as if you call either up they were added to what would have happened otherwise. Like dreams, nothing is less likely there and it seems we are only manipulating something of a similar nature.

I reckon laying out my plans clearly is like an architect or scriptwriter, they are now clear and if I can shift the next short and long term issues (having done a few already) once I get one or two which not only bring pleasure but change my life for the better I'll be one step closer to how I'd prefer things to be. And if it works maybe an article of the journey.

Reincarnation is not for me

I talk about me needing an IQ test to try and get in Mensa but the whole world has continued to fail theirs, as the latest report this week claims '2010 hottest year ever'. Yes, of course, and I've got the biggest dick in my house and next door. As there are no other men there. But I was telling the truth, they have taken a single report from GISS, America's version of 1984's Big Brother (good is bad and bad is good etc), while even the UK Met. Office are currently struggling to get their own data to look the same. But it's a lie. Since records began is a little closer, but the actual part they left out is 'since satellite records began'. That is 1979, half way through nature's cyclical warming phase after a small ice age so every few years and every decade will indeed be the warmest if you're on a warming curve. Were it true. In fact virtually every site uses their own data and none of it actually agrees. It's not science, it's fixing the system as most people don't believe it's possible and fewer still can be arsed to check. Nothing more needs doing to demonstrate those involved in creating global warming are no different from the Kray twins as they are indeed killing old people from hypothermia as they can't afford the energy taxes, and third world farmers starving since their land was taken for biofuel. It's not a simple con as people are having their lives ruined directly.

Back to my world, I wrote about energy phases, and the next night I played and won my hourly guess the word game, and the next one. Only one person's ever got three and wondered if I could be the second, and did, and although it was bedtime had to stay up an hour just in case, and indeed I won the fourth as well. The energy was open and allowed me to be in my own dimension where I was the only person playing for that period. I'll be surprised if anyone gets four in a row again, it's possible but however long we've been playing (this year maybe?) it's been on every single hour and unless I missed a scoreboard don't think it's happened before. I got the photo printed with the old sign and as it was a proper darkroom print was as clear as the original unlike my scan, so in perfect focus thank goodness albeit small and no legible writing. But it is a proper photo and not a blurry mess like the compute attempt thank goodness.

Now it gets dark at 4 half the week I can't get out in time to take photos, and short of visiting the local friends who don't exist have gone home and extended the radio/TV/computer time by a few hours. Three people who arrived on Friends Reunited all ignored my messages, one as I dumped her is entitled to, one should know better and the third, although wouldn't remember me from 1965 could have made an effort. The only chore done last week was fixing my camera, the cemetery also closes too early to get to easily and do the job before getting shut in (besides not having the internet it may not be that different though...) but went to the museum at last and kept fairly busy. I haven't a clue what the week ahead holds, let alone tomorrow. And whatever methods I've been shown they don't work easily. Do any? I do have two prizes now which have made all the difference, but made me realise there are three types of achievement, those that are nice but don't change your life at all, those which only change your life when relevant, like having a new qualification but only benefit when using it, and those which shift you entirely like getting married. Sadly almost none of the prizes I've had for ages do anything to change my life, the best being I no longer need to worry about finding an old red triangle sign which was going to be a problem as the next closest were 60-70 miles away. There are a matching pair in the backwoods I don't have now but can't see myself doing a journey I once would have without thinking. The current car's only for town use really and I'm 20 years older.

So it's time life cheated and allowed me to gain with no pain. I expect many people in my position would have cracked in the past while others wouldn't have noticed, I'm probably around the middle as although I've coped somehow I have suffered enough for what I'd consider a lifetime. I'd see enlightenment as the only escape as until then we are part of the illusion of good and bad and are raised or lowered constantly as a result. I'm certainly prepared to leave that ride as the highs don't outweigh or compensate for the lows and it's not really shown itself as adequate for me at least. Telling a teenager success is round the corner and just needs effort and patience, but at 50? The business side is long covered as that's within all our scope, and fixed the majority of that in the 80s. But pleasure? I expect the Buddha realised very quickly that it was so hard to choose that he decided to find a way to bypass the whole system. As it worked for so few people they added reincarnation as an excuse to string it out for thousands of years, but I'm only interested in this lifetime thank you.

Energy phases demonstrated

Today has been one of those days where the energy was twisted. Nothing I tried happened, nothing I planned happened but besides being blocked on the word quiz I play most hours all day all the other plans simply diverted my activity rather than blocking it. But the main point is that the energy was the same in every aspect of my life the whole day from start to finish, which although I'm fully used to still surprises me in its mathematical consistency. That's the message today as although the details are my diary part the overall picture is sheer connectedness as each area happened with the same distorted and partly constricted frequency.

It began when I called the cemetery as I'd finally run out of alternatives but to clean the gravestone. It closed before I'd have got to it so had to put it off, and yesterday my mother told me the local history museum had a car park, and with no other ideas went there instead. Being free it was a good way to pass an afternoon and the postcards were free as well to bring back for the wall. Then I went to have my camera memory card wiped again, but they no longer had the cards or cameras to wipe them, or the bit that fell off the battery so eliminated that and went home and decided to check if the card could be wiped via the usb cable which indeed it was and now working again. The word game works out a word every hour with more clues every few minutes. I've done well since the weekend but today had a few words on the list someone else entered before I did. Not once but three times, and we all win a few on the same day and not for a few afterwards. Again, the energy opens with a win and can stay open for a day or two, it's there for all to see.

No one can see these phases in advance, and I am not yet able to alter the energy to choice. Tomorrow the cleaner's coming at 3 (officially) so short of a local photo trip have little scope I can think of. I started my phone calls yesterday and have reached the point of leaving one message. I've probably completed my old photo checks with the scanning of the final negatives, and now trying to pin down some photos I didn't label. Two have been identified as Beckenham and the rest are only roughly located as yet.
I'd like to have some control over tomorrow (as we all would), and maybe the fact I'm learning these phases affecting them may be next. I've been shown how and will work on it, and if I can then one by one my problems could melt away.

Tomorrow is free anyhow albeit indoors until 3, I'll have a think where I haven't taken photos within 15 minutes before it gets dark at 4, too late and cold for the cemetery and a miracle if I bother to get my eyes tested but if bored enough and not too tired (I do still suffer from time to time) I may even try it. I can't even think of any other chores left now, possibly as I've done them all, but can darn my cardigan, get the last bits of the shelves in the spare room, make more phone calls, possibly even meditate, and check the lists I make to see what else has been saved up for a free day. This week I am still looking for the grace, last week was totally as planned plus the old road sign turning up, which covered all required grace in one go albeit a partially legible one. This week has so far been working my way through a list with little interruption to stop me or bonus to help me, the nature of grace is random so can't call it in. It may well have been guided as I am getting more used to seeing the patterns, but would still wonder if and when I'd ever make it or graduate. No one wants to retire or qualify when they're too old to make full use of it, and besides joining one of the schools that make their students meditate for hours a day can think of little more I can do for any aspect of my own growth. That means I've done both my best and not avoided any extra actions that may have added to my success. It's easy to accuse people lacking anything of being lazy or careless but you don't have that sort of approach after a law degree requiring the ultimate level of work. Not in itself but for me in the subjects I didn't find easy, which was about half of them. Going to hour long crowded video shows every week for over a year with claustrophobia isn't being careless either, basically if I know something is important and possible I go for it. If I appear not to be it's only because I don't think it is, and even in something as mundane as job applications compared I'd done more than average as they told me so in my interviews. So I reckon I've hardly skimped on the input, and fully deserve any output. My effort now tends to be concentrated when I'm inspired, the energy opens, the ideas flow, I produce a collection and then use it up till the next time. Now what happens to those products is partly my own marketing of them and partly the choice of those I offer them to. Some will always win and lose like the articles, but all you can do is not give up and keep producing and offering. I know when the energy opens I get a bunch of clients, a bunch of letters, phone calls, money, whatever, including related problems. That's been clear for over 20 years and only recently started being more for my benefit than random. But that flow has only just begun and started to happen. Most changes happen gradually but this is taking decades!

Looking for God

Today I will actively look for God in my life. The guidance is presumably the first clue as nothing else could be responsible for arranging all of life to fit for one person. Yesterday I was typing and they said the same phrases I was writing twice within a minute. That happens to quite a few people I know as well. I appear to be being made to face my final fears- death, destruction, all that shit. One by one situations I believed (as there was not enough information to know otherwise) may be extremely dangerous are being forced on me to show me they are not without the need for any expert advice. I don't think there are many left and maybe with them out of the way there won't be much left to bother me or get in the way of my progress.

Also of course by writing here on a subject offers the chance of inspiration to work out additional examples- today wasn't special on the surface- but for example once I'd repaired my cassette copier to send a tape to Australia I recorded it and being on an old tape wasn't full volume, and didn't want to use 5 minutes on a new C90 and a new C60 turned up at the front of a rack and took the copy perfectly. There was only a few minutes to wait in the post office, and got the rest of my shopping done at the same time. I've finished searching my old negatives and as well as the most prized photo of the local road sign I wanted, albeit barely legible in the distance, I've found many photos I'd never seen before as the chemists never printed them. I have run out of ideas for tomorrow and beyond, although the same chores need doing. Last week I wrote to three more people from Friends Reunited and can only eliminate them as a-holes as none replied. I started my phone calls tonight but no one was in but will keep trying.

I'd create if I was god (which is basically how it works anyway, we gradually take over consciously so the crap we got before is under control and organised the way we'd prefer it) a way I could still avoid all the stress I can no longer cope with but a solid social and family life, with no need to worry about the people I did have expecting me to go to places I couldn't. A few are fairly well trained now but very thin on the ground. I agree I shouldn't get any prizes without earning them, but the years of study and experience I have put in took me till 46 to get on TV and 50 to be published. I think the previous effort would now be used to justify any career improvements, I hardly need to go to college again or do more fieldwork. I was asked to do a lecture but 120 miles away, not good for an agoraphobic really. I would do so in London as long as it was this side of it, but can't wreck my health for anything. I would change a few things externally as well- it's a bloody mess and as Marx and others have observed, extremism can't last forever as the momentum runs out and the opposition water it down. Global warming's dark side is now turning slowly to face the earth and one by one every aspect I've said was the case is becoming proved. Of course it had to as it was based on no more than a plan to dominate the world by the UN and cheating the data to do so. The graphs are so crude anyone in primary school would question how they all change when adjusted from flat to sloping, and questions are now being asked at higher levels but the taxes keep coming. I'd speed things up a bit as the people may wake up suddenly when the first wave notice they've been had all along. Once they turn their backs their friends will feel they have no reason to hang on and follow until only the extreme nutters are left and be ignored as they always should have been. Today the nutters are in charge and listened to by the media and governments worldwide, what was delusional is now mainstream. I can't be bothered to put up with that much longer, I don't like being in a world where more people are insane than not and it's a struggle to find those who haven't been infected.

I'd also free the energy in the places I'm working on, apart from being sent photos of the odd road sign I can go and get and being asked for an article most other things have needed far more work to get returns than they should have. In fact the majority of work appears to have created nothing at all. I've never averaged any more clients a week since my practice began, I've spent a fortune for me trying to spread the word but still only get work from the official directory. I do pay the bills anyway but wonder why I can't get a few more like the others appear to who do no more advertising than I do. And my meditation barely seems to do a thing most of the time, you'd have thought after 13 years and combining new methods at other times the energy built up would push things along a bit but no. And official requests and decisions would go more easily. I'm not unreasonable and even offer to pay myself for some projects which would harm no one and benefit many. Besides allowing me to spend two hours painting an old road sign I've had little or no help from the others. And my sales of art and photography have been diabolical, the books are expensive so understandable, but the paintings are not and gathered dust until finally returned to me. And the people I dig up from the past could yield a few who were actually both local and wanted to see me again. I haven't thought if any elsewhere would have if they were still local but I'm only asking for one or two. I've only seen two altogether from my past, one now up north and the other abroad. I can't believe the fact they all chose to put their details up that avoiding any contact with all but their favourites is the same for everyone.

I think my clairvoyance is improving in certain areas, I can pick up words and the like for quizzes pretty clearly now, which has been from constant practice. If that can now be expanded to cover other areas it could guide me into more fertile areas than I'm searching currently. I am clearly being communicated with somehow as I can't go and look for some of these items as the actual words and answers aren't even revealed before the quizzes end. That means someone has to be able to pick them up before they are known (by going outside the timeline) and communicating them to me. If I can pick up anything from outside my own field then I should be able to open that channel a lot more. There is a lot of potential but as yet barely consciously used. I am aiming for more now in every way, the energy has to loosen for me.

Backwards and forwards

Before I carry on I've seen another little synchronicity today, they all count if the odds are long enough rather than the actual content. I always call LBC radio with news stories as they were the only place (Clive Bull anyway) where you could decide what to talk about. Recently Clive has been apparently setting an agenda so left a couple of messages asking if I could call about the IPCC admission they are after all an economic redistribution centre and not environmental. Like we needed telling. I'll personalise that, like I needed telling- we did need telling as those who accept they are doing a necessary job somehow can't see that huge taxes and carbon trading do nothing but that very action. I turned on and what's he talking about? CO2 reduction! They must mention climate less than once a month and the night I'm determined to spread a story no known media have touched with your cock let alone their own it was my duty (who else offered?) to break it. I covered that plus the fact that doubling CO2 gives a paper rise of 1C, the rest is down to unknown feedback which may either not exist or actually be negative as the natural sinks may well prevent any imbalance over time.

Other than that now I've got the chores out of the way I'm still free- a month now and used it pretty well. Getting dark at 4 means besides a bit of late shopping I get in and stay in. I visit my parents (separate sides of London) at weekends and often have the ex over once in the week, and the rest is up to me. I've written three articles so far and suspect one from the remaining two alive will be used, doubling my total if so. Of course the more you are out there the greater the chances of being spotted and asked for more. Being down to chores after filming last week then I've got the gravestone duty, eye test and car service remaining. None urgent but all need doing. I also sent three new Friends Reunited messages last week- an ex I dumped, a friend of a friend and someone from nursery school. One I can understand blowing me out to return the compliment, one as we'd last have met at five (didn't stop Gary whose parents still live round the corner after 50 years) and the other was a bit of a bitch anyway so we never really got on, but as her very nice sister wasn't there I wrote to her instead. Like she'd work that out. Her sister got a boyfriend when I was about to make my first move decades ago so I quietly left the scene.

I did of course get the very blurred picture of the sign on my corner at last last week, the only extra in a well planned system. Two new tour videos and lots of other photos. I wore myself out in only an hour cutting the bushes in my late grandma's and scanned in loads of other negatives which showed a small percentage of all had never been printed by the chemists. I'd never seen any before and will be getting them all printed soon. Socially I am trying to rekindle old names as much as current as what's current has more or less dried up and reached a limit. I haven't got round to any of the few phone calls not of a business nature but probably start this week in case they think I don't want to talk to them, but unfortunately with many having to come out to each as an agoraphobic before we make any arrangements makes it into more of a chore than a pleasure. If you can't do most things they can there's no point keeping quiet as once you've turned down every offer they either think you don't want to see them or work it out anyway. I told one who said she didn't mind but wasn't into sex (any level whatsoever) so no fucking use there, whichever way you say it. Unfortunately she's also the most attractive by far although lacks proportionally in the mental department. Not attractive and single for nothing of course. The others are very average and fairly old (although doesn't look it) and above average but peculiar. They're both divorced and one moved too far to bother travelling to (bearing in mind my issues) and doesn't drive herself. We went out for a couple of weeks already and only argued half the time as she is well known for. So I keep looking up old people from the past who aren't faulty in some way, or weren't in 1965 or 1980 at least.

I don't know if I'll ever 'make it' in any of the ways I'd like- in fact I'd made it living at home besides not being able to keep a decent girlfriend, I was qualified, had a decent job and just needed a woman to complete the picture. Then I had to move as it wasn't my own house, then lost my job, then lost my best friend abroad and pretty well unmade it as a result. I have however added a new method to the system from the video of Louix Dor Dempriey, of speaking to God directly and finding it directly that way. Don't work alone, ask the boss. Strangely that is the first thing since meditation that seems to cause a shift of any sort within me, however vague or subtle, that tells me he probably knows what he's talking about. Unlike much of the pretty technical and heartless teaching I've mainly come across, his message God is love and you can have it all is what I always imagined enlightenment to be, not this crap that you aren't real however accurate that may be. But simply looking and seeing all there is is awareness plus what is within that, but no individual behind it (direct experience, it's true) is pretty much noticing the obvious to me and doesn't cause any realisation beyond a technical discovery my personality is no more than retrieving data from a disk when required. I here and now am not the disk, I use it to remember things when I need to and the rest of the time I am gone. Thoughts and sense input passes by but no person there to witness them, just the senses and thoughts within the awareness. Big bloody deal. No peace and love being aware of that, I am aware of that, so what?

So maybe the fact I can disappear (I was never here at all, the illusion disappears) means I've got the first step to enlightenment but it's made no difference here. Talking to God may do, as we are designed to feel good and bad and know which is which. Enlightenment has to be about feeling good, no person there to feel it but all can tell which is which with no subject to do so, there's crap is a genuine observation and with or without an illusory me it's still crap. Louix appears however to have the simple key to unlock the real blockage to our growth of consciousness.

How I'd plan it

I am going to see if I can fill in the gaps in my guidance now, by imagining it all (see the rules in the Celestine Prophecy) and seeing where it should go ahead if complete. It has worked now, using the medium of road signs which I collect, and the latest was to aim me towards a negative where I'd sent the prints off at the time as were evidence for a road accident. That was the first one I knew and missed, and although the result was tiny and fuzzy you could at least recognise which one it was. I am hoping, possibly even guessing I am heading for an eventual spiritual growth- the lessons I've had over the years have been as much as anyone not actually living in an ashram, and to get nothing out of it besides the ability to tune into people and places to pick up random bits of information seems a bit like poor value. The guidance, rather than making me actually feel good (I should have such luck) has given me material objects, no people yet but helped my collections and done other small things since which I am pretty clear are part of it.

So what could it do ahead? I have my list. My career, unpaid or otherwise, in the media- so far I've really created the lot quite well myself but am hardly either a household name or earning a penny from it. A little nudge in the right direction would of course help there, as the breakthrough to a national paper or TV station is the only thing that would complete that job. People are next, as my friends have moved and spread around so I barely ever see them (OK , I see the ones left over who are a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but no one should be left to resort to that, so one or two around regularly would make a huge difference. Needless to say my own spiritual development would make me feel better whatever else was going on. I've put together a huge collection of methods from Youtube and products bought thereof, and Louix Dor Dempriex seems to have the trick, as it's the only thing I've ever felt something happen whatever my mind thinks of what I'm being told to do. The others I learnt make sense but diddly squat to show from them yet. Then the losses and loose ends. I want to live back in the area I used to, the most expensive in the world (no, I don't need to exaggerate), get back more of the things I missed if possible including my IQ test results (old or repeated if necessary) so I can finally join Mensa on their new rules, find anything else I could have had like the original sign photo but hadn't yet located, and anything (or anyone) I thought I'd lost.

Considering I now have a more or less complete old road sign photo collection, four TV speaking appearances, one published article, every possible known meditation method in case they actually do something eventually, and most of my finances sorted out (except for the big move of course) some things are covered but there's so much more left. And I have the recognised methods of manifestation I seem to have got to work a couple of times which will continue as part of the system to use, and really need to sort out the anxiety so I'm not scared of disaster whenever the slightest thing sets me off. There are very good reasons for this combined with my existing condition- where what you fear the most actually turns real you have the imagination turning into reality so the world is no longer at all a safe place. I'm covering one area by one, eliminating the first items on the list and hopefully if I end then there'll be none left and I'll be free of the monsters at last. It is mainly based on lack of information so until you know whether something's dangerous or not you tend to assume it is. Better safe than sorry, and having to test every single area. As Louix says, enlightenment is when love takes over from fear, so if I get rid of enough fear (I only need it where one dominates the other, not 100%) I will make it. How many do is another story, but the less fear I have the better regardless.

So I'd end up with the woman, friends again, living where I wanted to, famous, stable and maybe even enlightened. Maybe if I get some more messages in dreams, random (apparently but not) information and news that helps and basically divide the work half by me and half by outside as both need to work together to win. All is connected and if it all fits together then things happen the right ways. But less pain please.

I'm still here

It seems pretty certain that spiritual growth involves many tests- we are sent our worst possible experiences to see if there's any way we can deal with them better. I don't know if I am but they turn up regularly like the cat being sick while you're watching TV or having dinner and ruins whatever else you're doing. I have no cat to do that now but life has an infinite number of variations and all need clearing up one way or another as most don't disappear on their own. I doubt we need to become immune to everything before we can become enlightened- even Jesus claimed to lose his faith somewhat on the cross (his father had forsaken him, odd considered he already volunteered and knew the ending at the time).

So this week has gone to plan so far with one bonus, the first old road sign I knew for 40 years without taking its photo appeared in the distance on one of my negatives I was scanning in case there were more without prints (how does that happen?). The symbol is obvious but blurred but no writing is visible and the enlargement makes it look like it was taken underwater, but I now have a record of it, just. Otherwise I did my first tour video for ages after many requests yesterday, and cut the bushes at my late grandma's before it looked too overgrown. The news continues to be the same mixture of white noise I totally ignore, plus the odd peak or trough of either utter bilge like the next royal wedding- when they care about what I do I'll care about them- or the odd good news like the Republican climate enquiry. But most of life is my own and not affected by others unless they make laws which do directly such as raising energy taxes. It's the old exam results scenario, what my friends get doesn't affect my own performance, so if I fail one it doesn't make me feel any better that someone else has. What crap and shit happens elsewhere really isn't my concern, all these kidnaps and murders from down the road to across the planet are part of life since the stone age, and are sadly no more news than how many sheets of toilet paper my grandma used, yet we got to hear both.

I hope I am in a transitional period though, as I am seeing a mix of the old disasters and doom and new guidance towards success. Maybe I can deal with some old loose ends but still profit from the new direction while I am doing so. It certainly looks like that but the bad stuff feels just as bad as it ever did regardless. I feel I was guided to the negatives last night, I'd been checking up where all my photos without captions were taken with the advent of Streetview, and then thought I'd check the final set of ones that may turn up from unprinted negatives, and chose the right pack almost immediately. As it was on the corner of my road I would have expected a photo of it randomly but till then it wasn't showing. If it's dry tomorrow (it has been for three days and now stopped again) I'll either do my bike trip or the other video, and so far not missed seeing anyone besides the builder working next door who just repaired my garage door for nothing. I still phone the radio every week or so as I did tonight, I'm not famous yet as you can't see my face on radio and the best I do is when I see people I haven't seen for a while and they say they heard me. I even tweeted a new arrival on twitter who listens and lives nearby in case I can make a new friend somehow.

I've done another sweep on Friends Reunited, and thank goodness new people are still joining. I sent three more messages and normally get about a third back although not all have a clue who I am. One was in nursery school with me, and as I was so bored at home my parents let me go just before I was three and I remember as much there as I do in primary. Imagine catching up with someone you haven't seen since you were both five! There was no actual crumpet involved this time, one was simply an enquiry, one an ex who is now miles away and the third a friend of a friend whose very nice sister got a boyfriend before I could get a chance to try myself. I shouldn't be surprised many don't remember me although a few years in the same class pushes my credibility a bit. Even when one saw a photo of us there he claimed not to remember me. What a wanker.

Anyway, I am one step closer to celebrity this year than last now being published, and two more articles in the system hope that momentum keeps going. I write for pleasure so the more they want the more I will provide. I also keep my list of ambitions and although some do get reached none yet really affect my life besides completing a particular mission, step or business deal. It takes away a problem or stops it getting worse but none yet have actually made it better. That needs people first, and it's no use to just see anyone who's available rather than wait for quality as being with the wrong people is worse than none as they drain you. To have close friends you have to share the same frequency with someone, that is natural and can't be created just because someone's there. The right ones are rare indeed and hung onto for decades before one by one they are diverted by life or distance to occasional meetings. None are cut off but severely restricted compared to the old days. The woman on twitter hasn't replied, I don't blame her as unlike us women get random offers and approaches every day and can easily pick and choose. Anyway, I keep going, catch the odd bullet but am still here.

What could happen?

The rain has just stopped after almost a week so got out and took some photos after a gap not seen for years. I've got two video trips set up for the week now due to popular request, and make a change from photos where I'll have to fill in a few gaps I've missed rather than simply drive further and further into oblivion. And it'll be dark by the time I get anywhere more than 15 miles away anyway till March so won't be wasting my time. I've made a little list for the week and beyond, things inside like phone calls and others including pleasure and obligations like the eye test. At least I won't run out of things to do for a week or more. Now if I could think of anyone who could stay here now the spare room is available that'll help.

Other than that it's a mystery. One from two articles for a major magazine has been turned down, it'll be a month or two before I hear about the other but won't stop now. Of course although I have no one here so use the internet to replace it, I have to do things outside before I can come back and report them. Without real activity the internet won't replace it all. I use streetview to look for road signs and have travelled up to 30 miles to get the photos. I must keep remembering the Abraham-Hicks rules, I am avoiding slipping into crap more now at least, and if I can manifest anything positive I'd call that a true miracle.
Otherwise everything's been pretty quiet. Nothing either way really but if it's OK now then it doesn't really matter, just less to talk about. I will see tomorrow. England are playing a friendly Wednesday night so that's taken care of, the rest is possibly predictable.

The week so far

Today was decided for me- I had to wait for the cleaner to arrive and with the hour's daylight remaining for photography the rain came down as soon as I left the house and went straight back in again. I've arranged a builder to give an estimate for the knackered roof at my late grandma's and caught up on some videos at last and although my latest article was turned down I've got two more in the system and as it's not going to be my first now is not such a big deal. If it's dry I'll get the little jobs I missed so far in the next couple of days and once done will just see what turns up, there's no inspiration or plans left ahead but as I can't plan more than the following day that's already allowed for.

Otherwise besides getting the bed made again in the spare room and a free glasses repair (no reason why not except they charged last time) it's business as usual. Similar routine and no surprises. I must still use the Abraham/similar methods, as you can't see if it works unless you have something to try it on. I hear someone's finally decided to sue Al Gore for fraud, except he probably isn't a victim either of crime or contract misrepresentation so despite having circumstantial evidence can't see a case forming. The forensic accounting and warrants alone would take years, especially as being prepared for all circumstances the money won't be in a safe marked 'loot' but hidden offshore and in many holding companies at a great distance from the man himself. And you can't subpoena the Caymans or Isle of Man where they make their money from secrecy banking. It would take more effort to find his tracks than they spend on investigating (read 'creating') the climate already but a worthy attempt. I won't make a lot of excitement or attention to it though.

I don't think I've actually wasted the week so far anyway- I did the Surrey trip a day late, sorted the spare room out and had my usual visitor yesterday, and will just have to see what's sucked into the current vacuum of interest while I keep on doing whatever is available. It's no longer about effort but efficiency, and got me this far as the effort was put in when I was young enough to have the energy.

Another week 11/2010

Well I've got there (Worplesdon that is) in the end. My timetable is a day behind but unchanged otherwise. The three locations turned up a wooden council sign with a new one stapled on top as the paint had worn off, some hideous copies of old signs and a pair of 'no access' signs which looked right but weren't on poles so may not be nationally issued. But I covered them all in around an hour before the return. No word on the two articles but as I kept them waiting almost a year can't really moan. Besides the inevitable visit from the ex it's just a list of little jobs- car MOT, eye test (I will, honestly!) and camera repairs at Brent Cross (south, the civilised bit). I've had little or no spiritual events for a short while, although I don't believe the influence can go sometimes it seems we are left to sort things out ourselves maybe to see we don't always need outside guidance to win anything. I did win another online quiz today which doesn't often happen so one positive addition although it doesn't actually get me anything besides an entry on my profile and one more towards the 100 wins badge (at 30 though so may be a tough one).

The rule is when the guidance appears to go is look for it, so learning how to improve things myself seems the best reason- I also got an extra session in the gym today as it was on the way back from Surrey so two birds with one stone. And the rotten roof at my grandma's didn't put off the buyers as instead of making their offer that day they withdrew it a few days later so any new visitor will be promised (or receive depending on our progress) a brand new dormer window roof. I've called the radio regularly again for some weeks, it only depends on the subject but climate and related issues have been popular and that's my area. But nothing's wrong and that's the best place to start from. Looking for the positive (rule 2) tells me tomorrow I'm free all day before the visitor, can get at least one shop done as it gets dark too early to bother looking for distant photo trips, and complete the tidying this week although the spare room is ready for use now if needed. And I have hours of videos if it rains. If I'm bored and it's dry I will then visit my grandparent's grave to clean it (the journey takes many times longer than the task) although will have to struggle to get any new photos around there as it's quite a regular journey over the years one way or another.

So the week is free again, I've done a couple of hours work each week the last month or so so paying the basic bills if nothing else and not shrinking too much in the bank. It does seem when one area to collect has run out another opened sooner or later, and I include things I produce as collect items on the CV if I'm on TV or published. I'm still managing to meditate on and off, and can only assume I'd be even worse if I didn't... The anxiety is not good and am still very tired after an hour or two out. That's a physical problem, is improving but not gone yet. It's only really restricting my travel now and having covered most of Britain already over the years (although before digital cameras so was very selective in the photography) as well as a few continents one way or another can hardly complain now as I'm far happier locally where I know. If there was a little community or a few more friends that would complete the job but that is another project.