Friday, February 12, 2010

You can't do it all yourself

Technically although there's nothing wrong at the moment, total emptiness means as well as being able to rest and relax also means I have to make my own amusement. I don't expect too much, nearly everyone else seems to manage somehow to live in a family and that's all I really need, any more would be extra. I managed to edit the video after a few days work and is now loading to Youtube.

It has been a successful year so far, lots of old signs, as per examples. For some reason they've shoved them at the top of the page and when I tried to move them all the text vanished so will stay where they are now. I've seen more people this year than in the last 5 years, had my first work published in a book etc, but technically nothing has changed. Hence the reason I meditate and do similar work as that insulates you from the outside forces whatever they are. But that's the same as sleeping, you can go to bed, lie down and wait but can't make yourself sleep. The same goes there, you meditate but have no control over the results. But nothing else can change your inner being besides drugs and they aren't going to make it better. It's also impossible to rely on the internet for entertainment the whole time, even that runs out of material sometimes and the efforts I make to find friends, old or new, there have only managed occasional meetings. Like any treasure hunter you have to keep digging and if there's one person there who will stick can only carry on, unlike old signs other people are not restricted to a specific number.
So the week of freedom so far has produced a video of Golders Green, two music videos, and a few photos of houses I've seen on my travels. I've done some housework such as washing and filing, and at least found there isn't even a lot left to do. So ahead there's the remaining Streetviewing to do, selling my late grandma's house once we've cleared the last of the belongings, and very little more. It literally seems going round in circles, photos, shopping, family and back again. It's not as if I want to go anywhere else, I want someone here primarily and where I go outside is irrelevant when I come home to an empty house. That is the same as sleeping and meditation, you can't create a person to share with and expect them to want to as well. But although it's 'just happened' for most people, it doesn't for me. I still don't know why either.


Roger Hooton of Nuriootpa, South Australia said...

Quit worrying about not being married and having a family, quit worrying about being 50 and still single. the way you are worrying yourself sick you won't live to see 51 let alone 81. It is NOT the end of the world being 50 and single and not having many local friends that you can enjoy the company and communication social life with. I know as I have been down that track and as have said before here I am approaching in May my 68th birthday, widowed (married at 55 years of age and knowing my marriage would be short to my wife's blindness and poor health but it lasted three and half years before she died - 9 years ago come 9th March.) I have NO family or relatives in Australia. I have a younger brother living in England somewhere who hasn't communicated with me for over two years and before that a mere birthday card and Christmas card and when I wrote to him long letters they were ignored. Phone calls to him he ended after a few minutes as he was always busy! I have two cousins both in England one like my brother doesn't communicate with anyone nor tells anyone when she and her husband move house. the other cousin is now totally blind so she can't use the computer, we have a few phone calls each year. I have one other relative, third-cousin removed, who is also totally blind and she is a widow and not very good on the phone.

I live in a very tiny rental retirement unit which is crap but I live in a good area so I don't want to move. I have two octogenarians women neighbours who I talk to each day but can't have any social activity with them I hate organised activities and clubs. I have a few, count on one hand, very good friends who keep me alive. But I have dozens of people who know me and will stop for a chat if they see me. I have NO private transport and have to rely on the retirement village shopping bus once a week, I hate shopping anyway and friends who will take me extra shopping if I need such but I hate asking them.

I have nearly ended my life that many times but something always stops me. I have had two heart attacks and poor health limits my walking and things I can do in the unit etc.

YET I keep bouncing back, thank goodness for my old cat and now my small rescued parrot for being my life savers.

YOU my friend have MANY activities that enable you to get out and about by car and public transport, where I live we don't even have public transport! You put photos on website which OTHERS ENJOY. You have a very interesting Blog about your daily activities. BUT what do you think a prospective female partner would make of you if she was to read your Blog? She would think that you are becoming obsessed and ill with your worry about being SINGLE. My reading of your material indicates to me that you are NOT gay. You just seem to be depressed that in your senior life you will be lonely and have no-one to watch the telly with, talk over the breakfast table, stagger down to the shops with etc., Sex is a mere secondary thing in life and NOT important. More marriage break-ups are caused by sexual issues than anything else. What is the point of worrying about?

OK. Uncle Roger of the Can We Help? has give his frank and blunt opinion. I wish I could help you get over your depression about being alone. You are NOT alone. Think of what you are doing and the pleasure your photos give and their historic importance.

You have indicated several times that you would like to move. WELL DO IT. What is to stop you from selling the house and buying a house in an area you think you would like to life? DO IT NOW before you live to regret it. Moving house into a new area should stimulate you into new activities, and give you new neighbours and friends.

I wait your reply on this matter, via email direct to me.

"And all shall be well and All shall be well in all manner of things shall be well." Julian of Norwich 1342 - 1429. Well known Anchoress. Look her up on Wikpedia.

diver said...

You wrote ...

although it's 'just happened' for most people, it doesn't for me. I still don't know why either.

Not sure I understood what hasn't 'happened' to you. Sorry, dense of me :(

David said...

Thanks Roger, it's good to see some information from somw years ahead of where I am now to see it is possible. Moving would require about half a million so that's pretty much off the system, I could do less but then wouldn't have a lot to live on.

What 'hasn't happened' to me which has to nearly everyone I know who wanted it was just managing to live in a family somehow, in any form. But to me it seems virtually impossible, unaffected by what anyone else can do.

diver said...

Yeah, I thought it was that.

I was at the theatre the other day and there was a bloke there (approx 50yo) with his pregnant 20-something yearold girlfriend. It occured to me there's all sorts of useful and loving symbiotic relationships possible between all sorts of ages.

Maybe there'll be one for you too David. Just gotta keep looking I guess.