As I was here relatively early today and had a bit of time before Neighbours on TV, the urge came over me to relate the random collection of trivial events from the last few days, and see if anyone else can have such boring phases as well...
I found a little group of local Jewish bloggers on the London link, and also discovered it doesn't pop up the same people each time, far from it. Every time you click it gives you a different selection until after a few goes it gets back to the beginning. Therefore there have been a good number of local bloggers I was unaware of till now. Anyway, I posted a few comments there but had no reply, so on that front we were just ships passing in the night. Also my blog has indicated 80 posts since it reached 80, and every new one, though kept, hasn't been added to the number. I can't really be bothered to complain, after my 'delete comments' complaint received a 'We've checked and it's fine' response. In fact I had to reload the page, and by about the 8th try the little dustbins finally came up. It's called lazy software and it's not the first time I've seen it happen in a program.
Well that's my blogging experiences, the hospital visits continue, and yesterday after being told grandma would be home this week, I still felt pretty dead inside, I originally wondered if the effects had just taken some time to wear off, but my psychic powers have been improving as I then got a call to say it was wrong and she'd be there for some time. My feeling had apparently corresponded not with what I'd been told, but the actual reality I heard a number of hours later. Some times I can correct a crossword that's been abandoned by finding it couldn't be finished as a word or two were wrong, and this was the same phenomenon, but using clairvoyance. When the hell will there be some good news for me to pick up clairvoyantly?
Progress in other areas is either slow or stopped. When I say stopped basically apart from a woman I mentioned and the TV appearance way ahead there are no 'other areas' at the moment. Jobs have to be done as normal like my work and the garden (which hasn't started yet after 2 days of solid rain). Today I just didn't bother. My best hope would be that all the work I have put in on spiritual development over the last 15 years is building up like a charge in a battery, and like with some of my clients and healing patients, where there's a blockage sometimes the repeated treatments or practices need to build up such a pressure before the blockage will go. In effect, if this does happen it seems like a miracle as all people see is a sudden change from bad to good. But in reality many applications of energy were required to silently build up inside before the dam finally broke.
In my case, I have been using Nick Roach's methods to try and dissolve my own reactions to the current stress, but so far they remain intact (partly because there's been no end to them outside yet). If the universe can do 50% of the work as well as individuals, it would be wonderful for someone or something to rescue me for a bloody change instead of time being the only saviour. A person can only take so much before they slip into total cynicism, and though my clients can be dug out of most situations by me, I can't do this on myself, no counsellors can. I blog instead and spread my despair far and wide. Sorry about that, but a problem shared etc...
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Dissolving emotions
Working so closely with Nick Roach allows me to see his ideas working frequently around me. His dissolving emotions practice, which I remember was directly from his teacher, Barry Long, has cropped up a good few times previously to meeting Nick, and having started the process myself I thought I'd describe it here to relay my own progress.
My friend and original guide Gabriel (now in India) always said you can't run away from yourself, as in if you feel bad you shouldn't try and stop feeling whatever the negative feeling was, but allow it to be experienced fully. OK, I thought it sounded pretty much like bollocks at the time, as I had plenty of other ideas to investigate, but now I've been to a few others much more experienced who say the same thing, I've found it's at the start of all serious spiritual practice. My example was when I was visiting the hospital today. There's more or less the equivalent of sensory deprivation there at times, it's a small geriatric ward and half the patients are only just with us. Having to sit there come hell or high water, I realised that due to the lack of sensory input/distraction, all my fears and worries were allowed to be seen against a pure white screen. But due to the advice I just sat and saw what they really were. And they passed. In fact, the essence of boredom appears to be more on the surface than it appears, and I could sense somewhere that sitting with total boredom for even a few minutes may break through to whatever's behind.
Each step of doing this in my lifetime may build up a store of dissolved nonsense until there is so little left I start to feel the peace behind. I'm certainly ready, like Nick, I've reached the end of my stress-related tether and would rather move to a distant place where I observe any negativity from some way away. My negative emotions are of a professional level, when I'm down I'm really down and when I'm anxious I could panic for England, so if I can dissolve just a few of these by watching them until they run out of energy, he'll have cracked the toughest of nuts with me, and I'll be saying not just that I understand the teaching, but it worked for me, and it can work for everyone. Unlike many spiritual practices, it's pure passivity, and only requires patience. No ideas, complex methods or tricks involved, just sit back and watch. What could be simpler? Maharaji always says the only valuable practices are simple, and the simpler the person the better they work. The intellect is taught that it has to juggle plates while doing handstands in order to succeed. But for the spirit, it's the exact opposite. It just has to be allowed to be, with no interruption or distraction, and then it'll show itself. Meditation is something I'd personally recommend for peace, but if it's enlightenment, you can watch where you are here, now at any time, and if Nick says it may reach enlightenment, then I for one trust what he says until the time may come when it's happened to me as well.
On a professional note, I know my role is a communicator as that's all I've done since leaving college. That's why I write all the time. So if I ever 'get there' spiritually, I don't specifically intend to go and teach, but somehow am managing a similar role now, but with no personal experience of enlightenment, which is the opposite way to the masters. If people do benefit anyway, then I'll be delighted. I have Nick's approval to do this, of course, but I do my best to only quote him more or less directly, and then add my own experiences to it. Nothing is my own teaching as I'm just a student myself. But anyone who's seen Nick's site and advaita groups in general know it's not really guru based. You find a teacher who suits you, but they all know more or less the one thing, and just present it their own ways, with no exclusive claim to be 'the one' you find with other masters. I feel a bit like the new job of teaching assistant now, and though I very much doubt fame is on the list of Nick's ambitions, if he does make it big (which can happen to any spiritual teacher, though I know it's not always related to their success as much as their charisma) I'll have been with him since the early days. Without the internet I expect much more of the work would have to be the face to face I was used to before, but now it's possible to create a network of information searchable for anyone who's interested, as well as a few visitors who come across it and it clicks.
On a final note, I see the phase of repeated stress and though all phases are signs of being 'with the flow' or the phases wouldn't really be noticeable, I'll be very happy when I finally enter a positive one. Preferably women chasing me, just one would do actually if I could choose her.
My friend and original guide Gabriel (now in India) always said you can't run away from yourself, as in if you feel bad you shouldn't try and stop feeling whatever the negative feeling was, but allow it to be experienced fully. OK, I thought it sounded pretty much like bollocks at the time, as I had plenty of other ideas to investigate, but now I've been to a few others much more experienced who say the same thing, I've found it's at the start of all serious spiritual practice. My example was when I was visiting the hospital today. There's more or less the equivalent of sensory deprivation there at times, it's a small geriatric ward and half the patients are only just with us. Having to sit there come hell or high water, I realised that due to the lack of sensory input/distraction, all my fears and worries were allowed to be seen against a pure white screen. But due to the advice I just sat and saw what they really were. And they passed. In fact, the essence of boredom appears to be more on the surface than it appears, and I could sense somewhere that sitting with total boredom for even a few minutes may break through to whatever's behind.
Each step of doing this in my lifetime may build up a store of dissolved nonsense until there is so little left I start to feel the peace behind. I'm certainly ready, like Nick, I've reached the end of my stress-related tether and would rather move to a distant place where I observe any negativity from some way away. My negative emotions are of a professional level, when I'm down I'm really down and when I'm anxious I could panic for England, so if I can dissolve just a few of these by watching them until they run out of energy, he'll have cracked the toughest of nuts with me, and I'll be saying not just that I understand the teaching, but it worked for me, and it can work for everyone. Unlike many spiritual practices, it's pure passivity, and only requires patience. No ideas, complex methods or tricks involved, just sit back and watch. What could be simpler? Maharaji always says the only valuable practices are simple, and the simpler the person the better they work. The intellect is taught that it has to juggle plates while doing handstands in order to succeed. But for the spirit, it's the exact opposite. It just has to be allowed to be, with no interruption or distraction, and then it'll show itself. Meditation is something I'd personally recommend for peace, but if it's enlightenment, you can watch where you are here, now at any time, and if Nick says it may reach enlightenment, then I for one trust what he says until the time may come when it's happened to me as well.
On a professional note, I know my role is a communicator as that's all I've done since leaving college. That's why I write all the time. So if I ever 'get there' spiritually, I don't specifically intend to go and teach, but somehow am managing a similar role now, but with no personal experience of enlightenment, which is the opposite way to the masters. If people do benefit anyway, then I'll be delighted. I have Nick's approval to do this, of course, but I do my best to only quote him more or less directly, and then add my own experiences to it. Nothing is my own teaching as I'm just a student myself. But anyone who's seen Nick's site and advaita groups in general know it's not really guru based. You find a teacher who suits you, but they all know more or less the one thing, and just present it their own ways, with no exclusive claim to be 'the one' you find with other masters. I feel a bit like the new job of teaching assistant now, and though I very much doubt fame is on the list of Nick's ambitions, if he does make it big (which can happen to any spiritual teacher, though I know it's not always related to their success as much as their charisma) I'll have been with him since the early days. Without the internet I expect much more of the work would have to be the face to face I was used to before, but now it's possible to create a network of information searchable for anyone who's interested, as well as a few visitors who come across it and it clicks.
On a final note, I see the phase of repeated stress and though all phases are signs of being 'with the flow' or the phases wouldn't really be noticeable, I'll be very happy when I finally enter a positive one. Preferably women chasing me, just one would do actually if I could choose her.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Missing...
I don't know if it was good or bad, but due to my server crashing, blogger ate my last post. It was mainly a moan, and I know I moan only too much here, so I saw it a little nudge to stop that track, and maybe my life will follow.
I was also theorising on the supernatural as per, but I reckon until I can actually show something concrete I may as well wait on any announcements.
OK, this may appear a moan, but I am trying to keep it down in future. I have been through a pretty typical (for me) phase in life of stress-reaction-recovery-repetition of stress. It started with the 4 dentist visits, then my grandma being moved from one hospital to the next, and a few extras in between. This sort of chaos is quite normal in life, but when little else is happening once even the chaos settles down I'm left with little else, as I described. I think I've got that lot out of my system now. What else?
I am now half way along the road with my current female interest, and the blind date was more or less a perfect example of what anyone could expect when two people are put together with the only two things in common being single and their rough ages. I don't think I've ever had one that was any better than that one, and there have been quite a few. They have included the rudest bitch I've ever come across, who spent the second half of the evening feeding back her judgements about me from the first half, telling me to shut up and be quiet as I was disturbing her neighbours in the next flats etc. Why was she still single at around 35 I wonder? Another, besides being a good few inches taller than me, was the nearest female equivalent to a Bruce Forsyth lookalike most people are likely to come across. A relatively reasonable woman from an ad spent most of the evening telling me about her brain tumour (not cancer)operation and how much she liked vanilla. Whether the brain problem led to her not remembering who I was when I called her again I'm not sure, but the chances of a successful blind date are probably in the thousands, with one friend of mine being the lucky one who married his.
So at the moment, after the few weeks of continual cack things to do, things have gone quiet. There's little to do ahead I can think of, of course it's the first major gardening season, so that'll get me off the computer for a few days next week, and my healing and therapy work has been going particularly well, which is satisfying to know it works, but I need to be given some similar benefits myself somehow. It's something I do for others quite naturally now, but though understanding counselling stops me falling into the similar traps my clients do, it doesn't make life interesting when it isn't. See, karma has to be fulfilled, I lost one moan and replaced it with another. I left out repeating the psychic bit as I explained. All I'll say is look up Hazel Courteney, who appears to be a rare example of David Icke's and Yogananda's mind-driven reality in practice. I've seen many claims before but few who didn't seem to be pushing their own ego behind it. As she was already a success she had everything to lose by 'going weird' as people would see it. As I am already all I need are the psychic powers to go with it and it'll make me highly marketable as well. But so far the only object I can make appear is when I pick my nose... (Sorry to leave you with that image, but gross is something I'm only too good at).
I was also theorising on the supernatural as per, but I reckon until I can actually show something concrete I may as well wait on any announcements.
OK, this may appear a moan, but I am trying to keep it down in future. I have been through a pretty typical (for me) phase in life of stress-reaction-recovery-repetition of stress. It started with the 4 dentist visits, then my grandma being moved from one hospital to the next, and a few extras in between. This sort of chaos is quite normal in life, but when little else is happening once even the chaos settles down I'm left with little else, as I described. I think I've got that lot out of my system now. What else?
I am now half way along the road with my current female interest, and the blind date was more or less a perfect example of what anyone could expect when two people are put together with the only two things in common being single and their rough ages. I don't think I've ever had one that was any better than that one, and there have been quite a few. They have included the rudest bitch I've ever come across, who spent the second half of the evening feeding back her judgements about me from the first half, telling me to shut up and be quiet as I was disturbing her neighbours in the next flats etc. Why was she still single at around 35 I wonder? Another, besides being a good few inches taller than me, was the nearest female equivalent to a Bruce Forsyth lookalike most people are likely to come across. A relatively reasonable woman from an ad spent most of the evening telling me about her brain tumour (not cancer)operation and how much she liked vanilla. Whether the brain problem led to her not remembering who I was when I called her again I'm not sure, but the chances of a successful blind date are probably in the thousands, with one friend of mine being the lucky one who married his.
So at the moment, after the few weeks of continual cack things to do, things have gone quiet. There's little to do ahead I can think of, of course it's the first major gardening season, so that'll get me off the computer for a few days next week, and my healing and therapy work has been going particularly well, which is satisfying to know it works, but I need to be given some similar benefits myself somehow. It's something I do for others quite naturally now, but though understanding counselling stops me falling into the similar traps my clients do, it doesn't make life interesting when it isn't. See, karma has to be fulfilled, I lost one moan and replaced it with another. I left out repeating the psychic bit as I explained. All I'll say is look up Hazel Courteney, who appears to be a rare example of David Icke's and Yogananda's mind-driven reality in practice. I've seen many claims before but few who didn't seem to be pushing their own ego behind it. As she was already a success she had everything to lose by 'going weird' as people would see it. As I am already all I need are the psychic powers to go with it and it'll make me highly marketable as well. But so far the only object I can make appear is when I pick my nose... (Sorry to leave you with that image, but gross is something I'm only too good at).
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Check this out!
My favourite website is Funtrivia.com , and I just came across this marvellous page in the archives which illustrates why it now has moderators (including me). Enjoy (if you're under 10...).
Ask Funtrivia May 2001 page
Have you learnt any new words there?!
Ask Funtrivia May 2001 page
Have you learnt any new words there?!
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Why oh why?
I know some posts tend to repeat themselves, but only because many situations in my life go in spirals (not circles, as they go forward as well as round) so I can only reflect that here.
To risk upsetting my new friend here Newport, I'm going to summarise every woman I'm inerested in or connected with at the moment. Maybe someone can make sense of it...
The main 'egg' has gone quiet this week, but I know she's busy and has probably no idea I even care about her. I'll sort this out in a few days one way or the other.
The next one is old news, I see no relationship now but any other activity would be welcome as winning the lottery, having my name in lights and any other success you could imagine. At least women's unreliable side may work in our favour when they change their mind in a useful way eventually.
I just went on a blind date, I was impressed by her honesty and directness (though not being British it hardly reflects on any change in British behaviours). My most pointless comment ever received is now being told I'm 'Average looking'. I can think of few other personal observations of less practical benefit. Pity she didn't see my willy then... She listed all my other faults and assets, which was bloody useful as no other woman has dared or bother to make such an effort, and just let me fail or succeed in complete darkness. So tidying up my hair and clothes is hardly a tough route to take, and one I often do when I need to.
At my club there are what I'd call a collection of class and quality rarely equalled. I have worked my slow way through them (no one speaks in the gym) though half are under 25 (out of bounds, in their eyes), and each following one has turned out to be attached. Of course the singles night will highlight the available few, and as not one is currently sporting any facial hair, warts, horns or other frightening appendages I can't see myself being too disappointed with the remainder. Just to give a view, there's an Asian lady about 30 I came across once, and the second time I spoke to her she reacted as if I'd sprayed her with a deadly poison. There was a vision with a fair pony-tail who came in regularly and actually gave the impression a giraffe does of total peace and silence throughour her slow progress around the machines. I reckon if I'd have spoken to her I'd have got one word (more likely a grunt) and a back turned on me. Then of course there was the frizzy blonde, with the fucking male model waiting on the chair outside, ready to castrate any man who dared to talk to her outside the gym with a handy machete strapped to his leg.
Basically I go to the gym for body building, so I'm not really there to pull, but the quality of women that are around me for 3 hours a week is impossible to ignore, isn't it. The staff (the under 25's) are of equal quality, who I do know a lot better, but again, availability and interest are not present, though each would make a formidable prize with a list of separate star qualities. I can't actually think of anywhere I've been before with more than a couple of above-average women (colleges, community centres and the like), so this is really quite unusual.
Besides all of them, is there anyone else? Apparently not, previously I did have an on-off girlfriend for the last three years (see, I can keep some things quiet!) but in the end she had to go, trust me. But for the last year or more I had been looking elsewhere once it was clear she wasn't 100% (OK, even 30%) right for me. Yes, I am 'active', it's the 'who' rather than the 'what' where the trouble lies. If I'd given a different impression before, it wasn't intentional, but being with the 'right' person (there are many thousands who could qualify for this around here) is what makes the difference, not the presence of the available but not adequate.
Business and pleasure, different rules. Those who try and spread the two can't win, paying for women whether through prostitution or importing from abroad is not a relationship and could only develop into one by pure chance if they happened to pay for the right one. But that's the exception, and even throwing amounts of cash at agencies and many other planned events is a pretty low success to investment ratio. I know two men with 'The gift'. This means they naturally can approach a woman anywhere and chat them up. They wait till they get a response, positive or negative, and then either jump into bed or move on. Now I have a couple of natural talents, but this isn't one of them. It could probably be learned but I'd rather learn to ski, parachute jump or mountaineer rather than something that tough...
To risk upsetting my new friend here Newport, I'm going to summarise every woman I'm inerested in or connected with at the moment. Maybe someone can make sense of it...
The main 'egg' has gone quiet this week, but I know she's busy and has probably no idea I even care about her. I'll sort this out in a few days one way or the other.
The next one is old news, I see no relationship now but any other activity would be welcome as winning the lottery, having my name in lights and any other success you could imagine. At least women's unreliable side may work in our favour when they change their mind in a useful way eventually.
I just went on a blind date, I was impressed by her honesty and directness (though not being British it hardly reflects on any change in British behaviours). My most pointless comment ever received is now being told I'm 'Average looking'. I can think of few other personal observations of less practical benefit. Pity she didn't see my willy then... She listed all my other faults and assets, which was bloody useful as no other woman has dared or bother to make such an effort, and just let me fail or succeed in complete darkness. So tidying up my hair and clothes is hardly a tough route to take, and one I often do when I need to.
At my club there are what I'd call a collection of class and quality rarely equalled. I have worked my slow way through them (no one speaks in the gym) though half are under 25 (out of bounds, in their eyes), and each following one has turned out to be attached. Of course the singles night will highlight the available few, and as not one is currently sporting any facial hair, warts, horns or other frightening appendages I can't see myself being too disappointed with the remainder. Just to give a view, there's an Asian lady about 30 I came across once, and the second time I spoke to her she reacted as if I'd sprayed her with a deadly poison. There was a vision with a fair pony-tail who came in regularly and actually gave the impression a giraffe does of total peace and silence throughour her slow progress around the machines. I reckon if I'd have spoken to her I'd have got one word (more likely a grunt) and a back turned on me. Then of course there was the frizzy blonde, with the fucking male model waiting on the chair outside, ready to castrate any man who dared to talk to her outside the gym with a handy machete strapped to his leg.
Basically I go to the gym for body building, so I'm not really there to pull, but the quality of women that are around me for 3 hours a week is impossible to ignore, isn't it. The staff (the under 25's) are of equal quality, who I do know a lot better, but again, availability and interest are not present, though each would make a formidable prize with a list of separate star qualities. I can't actually think of anywhere I've been before with more than a couple of above-average women (colleges, community centres and the like), so this is really quite unusual.
Besides all of them, is there anyone else? Apparently not, previously I did have an on-off girlfriend for the last three years (see, I can keep some things quiet!) but in the end she had to go, trust me. But for the last year or more I had been looking elsewhere once it was clear she wasn't 100% (OK, even 30%) right for me. Yes, I am 'active', it's the 'who' rather than the 'what' where the trouble lies. If I'd given a different impression before, it wasn't intentional, but being with the 'right' person (there are many thousands who could qualify for this around here) is what makes the difference, not the presence of the available but not adequate.
Business and pleasure, different rules. Those who try and spread the two can't win, paying for women whether through prostitution or importing from abroad is not a relationship and could only develop into one by pure chance if they happened to pay for the right one. But that's the exception, and even throwing amounts of cash at agencies and many other planned events is a pretty low success to investment ratio. I know two men with 'The gift'. This means they naturally can approach a woman anywhere and chat them up. They wait till they get a response, positive or negative, and then either jump into bed or move on. Now I have a couple of natural talents, but this isn't one of them. It could probably be learned but I'd rather learn to ski, parachute jump or mountaineer rather than something that tough...
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Shifting
I've been playing online mahjong a lot recently, and many situations in my life reflect similar puzzles, where every issue seems stuck, you don't think you can go and then see a small move you can make, like someone trapped and trying to dig their way out of debris.
In mahjong there are two consequences of a small move. It can either take you a few moves ahead to a deadlock, or open up the board to a win (where you clear all the tiles. In comparison, each issue in my life is on such a journey where it gets jammed from time to time, and some end in deadlock where you give up as it can't shift, and others tend to move a little. None for some time though have cleared the board.
I'd love to give as much detail as possible, as half-stories designed to protect the innocent and the writer are damned annoying with certain bits missed out for legal reasons. I'll try and paint a big enough possible picture without actualy identifying anyone indirectly.
My eggs continue to be in the incubator. The female one is still in regular contact, and one way or another will be 'tested' shortly to see if I'm on the right track. It's like a long drawn-out game though as I didn't originally meet her socially and turning round a relationship from business to pleasure is a toughie at times. Another woman who is a friend is (against past verbal protestations to the contrary) appearing a little more 'friendly', but talk is easy and action is another whole story. To change her original opinion would be almost a miracle, though I know it does happen quite often when it comes to women's feelings...
The media career is creeping forwards. The 'clearing the board' will occur when the TV programme is shown, and if I get more business from it that'll be my cash prize, which is a bonus to winning any game besides the satisfaction. I'm still writing regularly, and pleasing myself more with some of the results as well as a few people who have read them. I'm adding contacts slowly but surely, and as Max Clifford wrote in a paper once, I'm building up a healthy network which is essential for most media successes.
So, that basically covers business and pleasure, but the third of course is spirit, after mind and body. My recent meeting with Nick Roach boosted my enthusiasm for a practice that was becoming a bit flat after the initial realisation I was doing something helpful. How the hell long it'll take of pretty regular practice for me to shift internally, small or big, is partly related to the amount I do and partly myn own fate. But I'll carry on as this is something in me that I follow out of instinct rather than anything else. And my new picture of a fully flexible reality, as in the Matrix films, is really aiming high if I expect to become the new Sai Baba or Matthew Manning. But Hazel Courtenay has had such an experience herself (just google) and having started her book yesterday I'm inspired again after the initial glamour of David Icke was wearing off. She seems to have her head truly screwed on and still says she was producing objects from thought as Sai Baba does. She's a successful journalist and Sloane Ranger in her fifties, the last sort of person you'd expect to go funny, so I'm far more inclined to trust her than some of the others who aren't from such proven and reliable backgrounds.
All in all if I was to finish just one of these very slowly moving projects it would balance out the other stress going on that is quite common in my life, but much easier to handle with a solid foundation, whether family or something else. As I now deal with everything living alone I can't come home to a chat, shared meal, walk or shopping visit, just the usual toys I have in the house or the things I just listed but alone. I do wonder if the woman in question may actually prefer life with someone else as well, or is happy alone. The second one definitely is, so is in little need of extra baggage named David or anyone else. I'm not sure what else to say here besides the passive approach, where I react to other people's shifts seems to work best apart from a major intervention when things are stuck (kill or cure) as I have nothing to lose. So if things are slowly moving, like lava imperceptibly creeping across a field, I leave things alone, but when it finally stops I get the equipment out to give it a blast, and it sometimes works. But now I've thought of a final point. Why on earth the bloody hell can't one of these women at last ask me out instead of me dragging my guts out doing all the work myself on every one? I know in past times (1960 back to biblical times) most women would think people would brand them as whores for doing this, and would rather grow whiskers themselves waiting for someone to ask them they were already madly in love with. In fact, many still do, which explains half the problem. Otherwise it's just 'The way things are done', and I'd just like to say 'NO! Ladies, start taking the initiative yourselves and save men some of the anguish!'. You know it makes sense, Rodney. (notice my liberal use of British TV comedy references in my blog...).
In mahjong there are two consequences of a small move. It can either take you a few moves ahead to a deadlock, or open up the board to a win (where you clear all the tiles. In comparison, each issue in my life is on such a journey where it gets jammed from time to time, and some end in deadlock where you give up as it can't shift, and others tend to move a little. None for some time though have cleared the board.
I'd love to give as much detail as possible, as half-stories designed to protect the innocent and the writer are damned annoying with certain bits missed out for legal reasons. I'll try and paint a big enough possible picture without actualy identifying anyone indirectly.
My eggs continue to be in the incubator. The female one is still in regular contact, and one way or another will be 'tested' shortly to see if I'm on the right track. It's like a long drawn-out game though as I didn't originally meet her socially and turning round a relationship from business to pleasure is a toughie at times. Another woman who is a friend is (against past verbal protestations to the contrary) appearing a little more 'friendly', but talk is easy and action is another whole story. To change her original opinion would be almost a miracle, though I know it does happen quite often when it comes to women's feelings...
The media career is creeping forwards. The 'clearing the board' will occur when the TV programme is shown, and if I get more business from it that'll be my cash prize, which is a bonus to winning any game besides the satisfaction. I'm still writing regularly, and pleasing myself more with some of the results as well as a few people who have read them. I'm adding contacts slowly but surely, and as Max Clifford wrote in a paper once, I'm building up a healthy network which is essential for most media successes.
So, that basically covers business and pleasure, but the third of course is spirit, after mind and body. My recent meeting with Nick Roach boosted my enthusiasm for a practice that was becoming a bit flat after the initial realisation I was doing something helpful. How the hell long it'll take of pretty regular practice for me to shift internally, small or big, is partly related to the amount I do and partly myn own fate. But I'll carry on as this is something in me that I follow out of instinct rather than anything else. And my new picture of a fully flexible reality, as in the Matrix films, is really aiming high if I expect to become the new Sai Baba or Matthew Manning. But Hazel Courtenay has had such an experience herself (just google) and having started her book yesterday I'm inspired again after the initial glamour of David Icke was wearing off. She seems to have her head truly screwed on and still says she was producing objects from thought as Sai Baba does. She's a successful journalist and Sloane Ranger in her fifties, the last sort of person you'd expect to go funny, so I'm far more inclined to trust her than some of the others who aren't from such proven and reliable backgrounds.
All in all if I was to finish just one of these very slowly moving projects it would balance out the other stress going on that is quite common in my life, but much easier to handle with a solid foundation, whether family or something else. As I now deal with everything living alone I can't come home to a chat, shared meal, walk or shopping visit, just the usual toys I have in the house or the things I just listed but alone. I do wonder if the woman in question may actually prefer life with someone else as well, or is happy alone. The second one definitely is, so is in little need of extra baggage named David or anyone else. I'm not sure what else to say here besides the passive approach, where I react to other people's shifts seems to work best apart from a major intervention when things are stuck (kill or cure) as I have nothing to lose. So if things are slowly moving, like lava imperceptibly creeping across a field, I leave things alone, but when it finally stops I get the equipment out to give it a blast, and it sometimes works. But now I've thought of a final point. Why on earth the bloody hell can't one of these women at last ask me out instead of me dragging my guts out doing all the work myself on every one? I know in past times (1960 back to biblical times) most women would think people would brand them as whores for doing this, and would rather grow whiskers themselves waiting for someone to ask them they were already madly in love with. In fact, many still do, which explains half the problem. Otherwise it's just 'The way things are done', and I'd just like to say 'NO! Ladies, start taking the initiative yourselves and save men some of the anguish!'. You know it makes sense, Rodney. (notice my liberal use of British TV comedy references in my blog...).
Thursday, April 14, 2005
A little bit of politics
Po. Oh I am so immature!
OK, the real post. Inspired by reading another blog on the upcoming general election, I have to say my enthusiasm for it started with the Tory promise to remove road humps within 2 years and ended when it was obvious they had as much chance of getting in as the Natural law party.
In reality, elections make less and less difference as the EU takes over more and more the running of this country, so the only party who could change this is the UK independence who would get us out straight away (and actually have some very sensible other policies now they need a manifesto), and if they get an MP I for one will be celebrating. Other than that, whoever else gets in is fairly irrelevant barring a miracle bringing the Tories in to remove the humps, which is the only policy they have besides intending to restrict immigration that I'm aware of approving of. I wasn't the least bit surprised to read one of the world's best journalists, Melanie Phillips, say the reason Tony Blair seems to have so little control over it is because secretly (god knows why) they think it's a good thing. Of course they have to have a few token sacrifices, normally a parent with a spouse and children who are allowed to stay but without the other parent, which really makes a lot of sense, in order to pretend they care, but I'm sure for every one that does leave (frequently to return in a later consignment of fruit and veg) many more take their places. No, I'm not basing it on racism (which is what every person criticising unrestricted immigration is called by Labour), but simply the fact there are ten or so safe countries between the UK and any with refugees. We have a quota to accept along with everyone else, but as most believe living on some of the worst council estates in areas with possibly higher crime rates than the ones they left is superior to staying in France, Spain, Italy or wherever else they travelled through on their long ways here we tend to be the main attraction.
I didn't intend to go on about that quite so much, but as an election's coming, if I don't now I never will. But my main point is that the only people who can tell me what to do are Ken Livingstone for most of my everyday life, and the EU, who are actually the authors of most of the major reforms most people put down to Uncle Tone the saint (my arse). Half the EU ignores the directives but obedient servants we are, we always play fair and follow them to the colon (I just liked that word). What the hell would they do if (like the French and Italians) we took no notice of the continual flood of Byzantine regulations, and didn't for instance sell oranges in kilos or keep our staff working seventy hour weeks? Probably sit in the various committees in Brussels and Strasbourg and write unpleasant notes to the government telling them to behave. They're not (or maybe they will?) going to bomb us for Christ's sake! Unfortunately the only thing this government can (for now...) do is choose the budget, which means only the people on a few remote islands who don't actually need to drive are paying more than us for petrol. Give most people enough power and they'll use it to shit on you. Thanks Gordon (our lovely chancellor) for not putting the petrol tax up in the last year so we're only paying four pounds a fucking gallon!.
Every man woman and child in this country who uses transport or buys goods should be eternally grateful to you for milking this inflexible commodity so much if it had teats they'd need bandages by now. It must be the cruellest policy since the ill-fated window tax, where you can still see some old houses with bricked up windows as (Mrs Thatcher is still platzing she didn't think of it first) they actually charged people for light! Trust me, as soon as they find a way we'll have little gasmasks that measure all the air we breathe. Yoga will become the biggest thing in the country as people queue up to learn how to hold their breath for ten minutes to save a bit more money. Well, they taxed light, why not air next?
One very depressing prediction: Get the European constitution through (how they can against public opinion will just demonstrate a formidable sleight of hand, but I suspect they will eventually) they'll 'harmonise' cars. So guess what that'll mean, yes, we'll be driving on the right next. I hope I'm wrong here, but as soon as we go over to kilometres there'll be little to stop the final shift to total Euroisation. Oh, and then the language...
OK, the real post. Inspired by reading another blog on the upcoming general election, I have to say my enthusiasm for it started with the Tory promise to remove road humps within 2 years and ended when it was obvious they had as much chance of getting in as the Natural law party.
In reality, elections make less and less difference as the EU takes over more and more the running of this country, so the only party who could change this is the UK independence who would get us out straight away (and actually have some very sensible other policies now they need a manifesto), and if they get an MP I for one will be celebrating. Other than that, whoever else gets in is fairly irrelevant barring a miracle bringing the Tories in to remove the humps, which is the only policy they have besides intending to restrict immigration that I'm aware of approving of. I wasn't the least bit surprised to read one of the world's best journalists, Melanie Phillips, say the reason Tony Blair seems to have so little control over it is because secretly (god knows why) they think it's a good thing. Of course they have to have a few token sacrifices, normally a parent with a spouse and children who are allowed to stay but without the other parent, which really makes a lot of sense, in order to pretend they care, but I'm sure for every one that does leave (frequently to return in a later consignment of fruit and veg) many more take their places. No, I'm not basing it on racism (which is what every person criticising unrestricted immigration is called by Labour), but simply the fact there are ten or so safe countries between the UK and any with refugees. We have a quota to accept along with everyone else, but as most believe living on some of the worst council estates in areas with possibly higher crime rates than the ones they left is superior to staying in France, Spain, Italy or wherever else they travelled through on their long ways here we tend to be the main attraction.
I didn't intend to go on about that quite so much, but as an election's coming, if I don't now I never will. But my main point is that the only people who can tell me what to do are Ken Livingstone for most of my everyday life, and the EU, who are actually the authors of most of the major reforms most people put down to Uncle Tone the saint (my arse). Half the EU ignores the directives but obedient servants we are, we always play fair and follow them to the colon (I just liked that word). What the hell would they do if (like the French and Italians) we took no notice of the continual flood of Byzantine regulations, and didn't for instance sell oranges in kilos or keep our staff working seventy hour weeks? Probably sit in the various committees in Brussels and Strasbourg and write unpleasant notes to the government telling them to behave. They're not (or maybe they will?) going to bomb us for Christ's sake! Unfortunately the only thing this government can (for now...) do is choose the budget, which means only the people on a few remote islands who don't actually need to drive are paying more than us for petrol. Give most people enough power and they'll use it to shit on you. Thanks Gordon (our lovely chancellor) for not putting the petrol tax up in the last year so we're only paying four pounds a fucking gallon!.
Every man woman and child in this country who uses transport or buys goods should be eternally grateful to you for milking this inflexible commodity so much if it had teats they'd need bandages by now. It must be the cruellest policy since the ill-fated window tax, where you can still see some old houses with bricked up windows as (Mrs Thatcher is still platzing she didn't think of it first) they actually charged people for light! Trust me, as soon as they find a way we'll have little gasmasks that measure all the air we breathe. Yoga will become the biggest thing in the country as people queue up to learn how to hold their breath for ten minutes to save a bit more money. Well, they taxed light, why not air next?
One very depressing prediction: Get the European constitution through (how they can against public opinion will just demonstrate a formidable sleight of hand, but I suspect they will eventually) they'll 'harmonise' cars. So guess what that'll mean, yes, we'll be driving on the right next. I hope I'm wrong here, but as soon as we go over to kilometres there'll be little to stop the final shift to total Euroisation. Oh, and then the language...
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Inspiration and enlightenment
Having heard from two independent sources last week that the world I see is an illusion, I am the source and everything in reality, and once I start to be conscious of this fact I will literally be able to manipulate it at will.
Only two things are possible. It's either wrong or right, no in between. The status quo appears to be things are 99.9% as they seem. Except for the extremely rare reality shifts I experience, combined with many others' anecdotes, everything is consistent, solid and very, very real. By working on the belief it's just a dream and therefore flexible and totally harmless I'm supposed to be able to disconnect slowly and gradually until I suddenly do something that proves that it was all my own projection and I can look behind it.
As the hard, tough and frequently extremely nasty real world is nothing to hold on to, I'm aiming towards discovering if something that is real lies behind. Though there have always been islands of heaven in the desert, most I see nowadays belong to someone else and are only seen from the other side of the fence. They are not really within anyone's power to get, but like any other gift is given when the system chooses to give it and not when we decide we'd like it now. All in all it's a package much like a lucid dream, which can swing from neutral to awful and anywhere else even once you've realised it is a dream. Learning to control a lucid dream is a skill in itself. Flying is the easiest, as even though you realise you're dreaming, despite everything else having to be you as well, I still have a personal space within it and therefore can control where I am in the dream, but have little effect on my 'surroundings'. Maybe this is a habit collected from our waking life or something deeper, but even being told that's a dream as well doesn't mean I can instantly start walking through walls (another instant ability gained in dreams, like the Matrix film). Feelings remain in all states of consciousness, peace (the stillness behind all feelings) is supposedly superior to all the others, as they are states of active energy and peace is the absence of such energy.
To paraphrase Nick Roach, once we become weary of the constant stream of emotional energy, of both polarities (as our need for emotions goes by strength rather than quality) the path towards peace and stillness becomes desired. Any teaching practised enough should get us somewhere on the route, if not all the way.
Now though enlightenment is, like God (who doesn't go on TV or in the sky for all to see), something you can only experience inside so can't prove to others, the fact Nick Roach, Tony Parsons, Satyam Nadeen, Ramana Maharshi, Yogananda and gurus past and present all say their state of consciousness since enlightenment is so superior to before that they clearly share something genuine. So that inspiration is all I have to aim higher myself, and not dismiss the possibility of higher consciousness just because no one can actually prove it or give it to me directly.
Just to relate it to now, today was free after a bit of work earlier, and though there's nothing dreadful ahead like last week, there's sod all of any nature. My 'egg' is, as you could put it, in the incubator. The progress is continuing, but it'll be a while before I'll have a chance to see if it's a good one. So in a way life is forcing me to abandon it by providing no hopes or interests in the present or near future so I don't get caught up in it again and veer off the path to enlightenment. I know they say only one in ten thousand people are interested in enlightenment, so few readers will follow my drift, but for those of us who are on that path it feels like an essential direction we have to take. It won't stop you enjoying life, but rather give a background peace and unattachment to all events in life, positive or negative (so I've been told). Beats what I've got now, for sure.
Only two things are possible. It's either wrong or right, no in between. The status quo appears to be things are 99.9% as they seem. Except for the extremely rare reality shifts I experience, combined with many others' anecdotes, everything is consistent, solid and very, very real. By working on the belief it's just a dream and therefore flexible and totally harmless I'm supposed to be able to disconnect slowly and gradually until I suddenly do something that proves that it was all my own projection and I can look behind it.
As the hard, tough and frequently extremely nasty real world is nothing to hold on to, I'm aiming towards discovering if something that is real lies behind. Though there have always been islands of heaven in the desert, most I see nowadays belong to someone else and are only seen from the other side of the fence. They are not really within anyone's power to get, but like any other gift is given when the system chooses to give it and not when we decide we'd like it now. All in all it's a package much like a lucid dream, which can swing from neutral to awful and anywhere else even once you've realised it is a dream. Learning to control a lucid dream is a skill in itself. Flying is the easiest, as even though you realise you're dreaming, despite everything else having to be you as well, I still have a personal space within it and therefore can control where I am in the dream, but have little effect on my 'surroundings'. Maybe this is a habit collected from our waking life or something deeper, but even being told that's a dream as well doesn't mean I can instantly start walking through walls (another instant ability gained in dreams, like the Matrix film). Feelings remain in all states of consciousness, peace (the stillness behind all feelings) is supposedly superior to all the others, as they are states of active energy and peace is the absence of such energy.
To paraphrase Nick Roach, once we become weary of the constant stream of emotional energy, of both polarities (as our need for emotions goes by strength rather than quality) the path towards peace and stillness becomes desired. Any teaching practised enough should get us somewhere on the route, if not all the way.
Now though enlightenment is, like God (who doesn't go on TV or in the sky for all to see), something you can only experience inside so can't prove to others, the fact Nick Roach, Tony Parsons, Satyam Nadeen, Ramana Maharshi, Yogananda and gurus past and present all say their state of consciousness since enlightenment is so superior to before that they clearly share something genuine. So that inspiration is all I have to aim higher myself, and not dismiss the possibility of higher consciousness just because no one can actually prove it or give it to me directly.
Just to relate it to now, today was free after a bit of work earlier, and though there's nothing dreadful ahead like last week, there's sod all of any nature. My 'egg' is, as you could put it, in the incubator. The progress is continuing, but it'll be a while before I'll have a chance to see if it's a good one. So in a way life is forcing me to abandon it by providing no hopes or interests in the present or near future so I don't get caught up in it again and veer off the path to enlightenment. I know they say only one in ten thousand people are interested in enlightenment, so few readers will follow my drift, but for those of us who are on that path it feels like an essential direction we have to take. It won't stop you enjoying life, but rather give a background peace and unattachment to all events in life, positive or negative (so I've been told). Beats what I've got now, for sure.
Monday, April 11, 2005
One by one
Well, dentist day has now passed, and my actual coronation is next Tuesday. I doubt I'll have the press coverage of others, but my tooth will be very happy. Otherwise it's still pretty chaotic. I won't depress everyone with the details, but it's not looking good for my grandma. As she's 95 there's little treatment possible so we can only hope the symptoms can be managed. She's exactly the same as usual though mentally, she can still run a room of 4 or 5 hospital visitors from her chair and have them all jumping to her tune. I always said the last thing to go before I do will be my erection, and in her case it's her authority.
Has the cosmic vibration been odd recently? I've found people behaving very much as extreme versions of themselves, with either the good or bad qualities greatly magnified. Insanity seems to be in the air, and those who had previously kept it bubbling under imperceptibly have gone off like a volcano, where others who are fairly quiet have started to come out of their shells and be nice to me. I have started to think my own behaviour has little effect, and I'll give reasons. When I'm careful, few people notice or appreciate it, and often still take me the wrong way. When I don't care and say my piece, people may get pissed off but forget it very soon afterwards, and rarely hold it against me. The omissions/mistakes have been by far the biggest bloopers in practice where there was nothing I could have done either way. Basically, if the planets are in the wrong place, someone is ready to go off and they'll do it to the next person that isn't likely to give it back (me). Some even apologise afterwards, supporting my decision not to try and manage their behaviour by my own. I don't really get upset with people in person (though I will in writing as I believe it's unnecessary to start fights on paper/screen). I have a very simple strategy. If it's family I quietly try and train the person not to repeat the behaviour that winds me up, and that usually works eventually. If it's work I get paid to take shit so I see it as part of that job to do so and shut the hell up. If it's anyone else I simply drop them. I don't have anything about myself to justify to them, so don't join in, I just let them go. In practice that means in all my life I've probably only argued with friends a few times, and that was teenage years and before where anger just became physical and we beat 7 kinds of shit out of eachother till the energy was dissipated. I never lost a friend that way, in fact like other relationships, it usually made the friendships stronger as it released the poison.
Recently the conflict I've witnessed has been like a current I moved into, like all the others in my life. I've certainly not changed, as I said, so it must have been something that I attracted somehow subconsciously. I survived it all, it's not one of the things that's outside my comfort zone as I have a pretty good sense of justice and tend to use that to add weight to my own argument, and unless the other person has a genuine problem with me, believe in myself. I don't take life that seriously and as people come and go continually, no one individual outside the family matters enough to get in a state about if they disapprove of me. I do not play with the crowd, I never have. Followers do, and they also believe their leaders know more than they do. Well the people who claim to lead me are there because they enjoy power. Well there's no reason for me to let them tell me what to do, is there? If someone's not paying me, then I don't do their thing. I was like this at school, I still passed all my exams so it couldn't have had any bad effect there, and the very very few people who understand me don't need me to play any game to know where I'm coming from. The rest never would even if I wrote a 1000 page manual. It would pass so far over their heads it would be similar to trying to get Wayne Rooney to understand the nature of human consciousness. Some things aren't designed to be done, but too many people spend half their lives banging their heads against a wall trying to make them happen, and then may have counselling to understand why it didn't work.
It's not just me, by the way. Many of the people I meet say the same things, and I show them the pyramid diagram I saw in a book. If you take any quality and sort the people with it from bottom (none) to top (the most) there are very few the further up you get, forming a triangle with the point up. In reality it's a square, with bigger spaces between the people the higher up you go, so it's harder to meet similar people to yourself as they're more spread out.
The internet, Mensa (no, I failed that one for various reasons) and other interest groups are the only way to draw these people together so they don't believe they're wrong and the masses are right. But don't waste time and energy trying to convince the vocal majority you're on the case as they can't grasp it. Sad but true. If those 'at the top' do something to benefit the masses, be it through art, medicine or science, then they'll get their praise and recognition. But if they only know you as a person, it's 'Who the fuckin' 'ell does 'e fink 'e is???' with no hope of changing it. Buddha said don't judge the dog for barking at you, feel happy you can do more than that to communicate. My views are far from original, just reframing well-trodden concepts, and Buddha was far from right wing, he was enlightened.
Has the cosmic vibration been odd recently? I've found people behaving very much as extreme versions of themselves, with either the good or bad qualities greatly magnified. Insanity seems to be in the air, and those who had previously kept it bubbling under imperceptibly have gone off like a volcano, where others who are fairly quiet have started to come out of their shells and be nice to me. I have started to think my own behaviour has little effect, and I'll give reasons. When I'm careful, few people notice or appreciate it, and often still take me the wrong way. When I don't care and say my piece, people may get pissed off but forget it very soon afterwards, and rarely hold it against me. The omissions/mistakes have been by far the biggest bloopers in practice where there was nothing I could have done either way. Basically, if the planets are in the wrong place, someone is ready to go off and they'll do it to the next person that isn't likely to give it back (me). Some even apologise afterwards, supporting my decision not to try and manage their behaviour by my own. I don't really get upset with people in person (though I will in writing as I believe it's unnecessary to start fights on paper/screen). I have a very simple strategy. If it's family I quietly try and train the person not to repeat the behaviour that winds me up, and that usually works eventually. If it's work I get paid to take shit so I see it as part of that job to do so and shut the hell up. If it's anyone else I simply drop them. I don't have anything about myself to justify to them, so don't join in, I just let them go. In practice that means in all my life I've probably only argued with friends a few times, and that was teenage years and before where anger just became physical and we beat 7 kinds of shit out of eachother till the energy was dissipated. I never lost a friend that way, in fact like other relationships, it usually made the friendships stronger as it released the poison.
Recently the conflict I've witnessed has been like a current I moved into, like all the others in my life. I've certainly not changed, as I said, so it must have been something that I attracted somehow subconsciously. I survived it all, it's not one of the things that's outside my comfort zone as I have a pretty good sense of justice and tend to use that to add weight to my own argument, and unless the other person has a genuine problem with me, believe in myself. I don't take life that seriously and as people come and go continually, no one individual outside the family matters enough to get in a state about if they disapprove of me. I do not play with the crowd, I never have. Followers do, and they also believe their leaders know more than they do. Well the people who claim to lead me are there because they enjoy power. Well there's no reason for me to let them tell me what to do, is there? If someone's not paying me, then I don't do their thing. I was like this at school, I still passed all my exams so it couldn't have had any bad effect there, and the very very few people who understand me don't need me to play any game to know where I'm coming from. The rest never would even if I wrote a 1000 page manual. It would pass so far over their heads it would be similar to trying to get Wayne Rooney to understand the nature of human consciousness. Some things aren't designed to be done, but too many people spend half their lives banging their heads against a wall trying to make them happen, and then may have counselling to understand why it didn't work.
It's not just me, by the way. Many of the people I meet say the same things, and I show them the pyramid diagram I saw in a book. If you take any quality and sort the people with it from bottom (none) to top (the most) there are very few the further up you get, forming a triangle with the point up. In reality it's a square, with bigger spaces between the people the higher up you go, so it's harder to meet similar people to yourself as they're more spread out.
The internet, Mensa (no, I failed that one for various reasons) and other interest groups are the only way to draw these people together so they don't believe they're wrong and the masses are right. But don't waste time and energy trying to convince the vocal majority you're on the case as they can't grasp it. Sad but true. If those 'at the top' do something to benefit the masses, be it through art, medicine or science, then they'll get their praise and recognition. But if they only know you as a person, it's 'Who the fuckin' 'ell does 'e fink 'e is???' with no hope of changing it. Buddha said don't judge the dog for barking at you, feel happy you can do more than that to communicate. My views are far from original, just reframing well-trodden concepts, and Buddha was far from right wing, he was enlightened.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Freud
As we had storms and hail till about 8pm tonight I only went out for about 20 minutes for a bit of shopping, and at the end of the day could either wimp out and not post here, or bite the bullet and see what occurred. As Freud often encouraged his patients to, he'd start off with a subject and ask them to just say what came into their heads. Hence this post. Unplanned and not based on anything I did today, plus I haven't had any insights, ideas or other progress on any front that I can start from either.
There has been a theme of chaos in the last few months, as in the stressful sort. Life seemed to go out of control in the way you often enjoy it in a film or tv programme but not in your life. Without adding too many details, I got hooked up with some people who chaos followed around, and added to my own I also took on theirs. This involved regular phone calls from 1 to 2 am, trips round supermarkets at similar times, arguments, insults, and general hassle to add to my own dental breakages, usual disappointing email reply level, broken promises by tradesmen and businesses I deal with, family responsibilities (I'm the only child and grandchild so the buck tends to stop here) and anything else I haven't managed to think of. OK, this is life as most people know it, and most people do work full time as well (though this does mop up many of the hours I have available to get either caught or left indoors to languish as today). The trouble is, as I've said before and may repeat for the next 40 plus years, I have no one at home to help me out or talk to. When I did (with family) I still had similar stresses (though I was a lot younger and could handle them better) but knew whatever hell happened outside I'd soon return to a comfortable civilisation indoors. Somehow an empty, albeit similar house just doesn't do it the same way.
So, what do others do about it? There is little common ground from my enquiries. It depends on your interests and social skills whether you meet women in public or private places, and anyone living in a town of less than 100,000 people knows more or less every single woman personally and has no trouble, I've been told by people who used to live there. So that has no simple solution. As for the chaos, saying no is one very valuable tool. My hypnotherapist told me years ago how to turn people down from invitations I didn't like without rejecting them personally, which helped a lot. At 40 I learned I may as well just turn people down flat anyway as my time was running out I may as well spend it more the way I wanted to. But I don't have the heart to reject people directly, and have had all sorts of schizophrenics, manic/depressives (ie all variations) etc hanging around me for years, as my father said, because I encourage them by being nice to them. I presume this means most people just tell them curtly where to get off, which I don't ever witness happening, but apart from one who became very aggressive I've still not done more than subtly trying to avoid them, some for longer than others. I'd be interested to hear other experiences people have had in looking after number one rather than sacrifice time and patience for people who drain you dry. I suppose there are books and websites around, I should go and look.
Anyway, the chaos is now, like the wind measurements, down to about force 5, a fresh breeze. It's been worse but of course why is it there at all? My grandma's in hospital with a dicky kidney, which we all hope to god is fixed on Saturday when they 'go in'. D day is now 5 days away (d being for dentist, visit 3 from 4, as far as I can tell). Other things I've mentioned recently are wobbling (I hope not terminally) for no apparent reason, but most people fear the worst when people go quiet on you. I collected my Renault model yesterday which is now on the top of a large display. Other than that the sponge of recent experience has been fully sueezed out now, and though the clouds of medical and dental treatments float across the sky of life, half the people I know are in similar positions but don't bloody moan about it. At least my blood pressure is normal, and that must help. If a miracle could happen, now would be a good time. This posting should be edged in black, but it's been that sort of day...
There has been a theme of chaos in the last few months, as in the stressful sort. Life seemed to go out of control in the way you often enjoy it in a film or tv programme but not in your life. Without adding too many details, I got hooked up with some people who chaos followed around, and added to my own I also took on theirs. This involved regular phone calls from 1 to 2 am, trips round supermarkets at similar times, arguments, insults, and general hassle to add to my own dental breakages, usual disappointing email reply level, broken promises by tradesmen and businesses I deal with, family responsibilities (I'm the only child and grandchild so the buck tends to stop here) and anything else I haven't managed to think of. OK, this is life as most people know it, and most people do work full time as well (though this does mop up many of the hours I have available to get either caught or left indoors to languish as today). The trouble is, as I've said before and may repeat for the next 40 plus years, I have no one at home to help me out or talk to. When I did (with family) I still had similar stresses (though I was a lot younger and could handle them better) but knew whatever hell happened outside I'd soon return to a comfortable civilisation indoors. Somehow an empty, albeit similar house just doesn't do it the same way.
So, what do others do about it? There is little common ground from my enquiries. It depends on your interests and social skills whether you meet women in public or private places, and anyone living in a town of less than 100,000 people knows more or less every single woman personally and has no trouble, I've been told by people who used to live there. So that has no simple solution. As for the chaos, saying no is one very valuable tool. My hypnotherapist told me years ago how to turn people down from invitations I didn't like without rejecting them personally, which helped a lot. At 40 I learned I may as well just turn people down flat anyway as my time was running out I may as well spend it more the way I wanted to. But I don't have the heart to reject people directly, and have had all sorts of schizophrenics, manic/depressives (ie all variations) etc hanging around me for years, as my father said, because I encourage them by being nice to them. I presume this means most people just tell them curtly where to get off, which I don't ever witness happening, but apart from one who became very aggressive I've still not done more than subtly trying to avoid them, some for longer than others. I'd be interested to hear other experiences people have had in looking after number one rather than sacrifice time and patience for people who drain you dry. I suppose there are books and websites around, I should go and look.
Anyway, the chaos is now, like the wind measurements, down to about force 5, a fresh breeze. It's been worse but of course why is it there at all? My grandma's in hospital with a dicky kidney, which we all hope to god is fixed on Saturday when they 'go in'. D day is now 5 days away (d being for dentist, visit 3 from 4, as far as I can tell). Other things I've mentioned recently are wobbling (I hope not terminally) for no apparent reason, but most people fear the worst when people go quiet on you. I collected my Renault model yesterday which is now on the top of a large display. Other than that the sponge of recent experience has been fully sueezed out now, and though the clouds of medical and dental treatments float across the sky of life, half the people I know are in similar positions but don't bloody moan about it. At least my blood pressure is normal, and that must help. If a miracle could happen, now would be a good time. This posting should be edged in black, but it's been that sort of day...
Thursday, April 07, 2005
My comments
This lot didn't deserve to be hiding in the shadows so I've posted it here.
Anonymous said...
I seem to recall in one of your earlier blog posts, that you had already "bumped" into Roach at a local store? Was that the truth or was it a lie?
Remember when you said that he gave you permission to post his teachings? Again is that true? or is that a lie?
So if you already met him, and received permission from him to post his teachings, then how is that you only "first" met him at your enlightenment class?
Well, which is it?
6:21 PM
David said...
This posting is weird, one of us appears paranoid and it's not me.
If you think I said I 'bumped into Nick Roach at a local store' please copy and paste it into your reply, as it's news to me.
Why the fuck would I say I'd got permission from him when I hadn't? Do you have some sort of campaign against me, because I can tell you now, it's not me that has the problem.
6:29 PM
Anonymous said...
My high is a possible first for FT- I wrote about an enlightenment teacher called Nick Roach I saw on the religion board, and he just emailed me to say he'd read it!
I said to my father after I saw him that I understood him so well that though I'm not enlightened I could help him with the teaching as I could present it the same way he does. Well guess what, Nick said he'd send me emails to post for him plus I can add my own ideas if I want. The next part is I recommended him to a radio show who has similar guests and the next day they called him! If they use him I'll be so pleased something I did actually worked, and who knows, I may be able to watch him there if I'm very lucky.
Look familiar? Notice how in the top part you say you received an email, then in the next paragraph you tell your father that when you saw Roach, that although you understand Roach so well, but are not enlightened you could help him with his teaching?
Remember those words that were typed by you? Or maybe you are too paranoid to admit it, because heaven forbid that your dear lovely follwers of your blog finally realise that you are totally full of it.
Oh, and what I quoted by you was typed by you on 31 December 2004.
How's that for throwing your own words back at you, uh?
P.S. This is not who you think it is, but it someone that knows you are full of shit.
P.P.S. And if you have any spinal cord at all, you won't delete this, because if you do, then I know that you are truly whacked and want to deceive the ones that read your blog. Obviously, you forget what you post and where...and you are the same one that prints out every single one of your posts right? So, how could you have forgotten the words in bold above?
A~
11:11 AM
David said...
Fair enough, I won't delete you as you do a better job of looking mentally ill by leaving it there than anything else I could do as well.
I didn't actually meet Nick in October by speaking to him, I was just an anonymous face in his audience. I meant 'met' this time as I spoke to him face to face. As if that's important to you?
When I said cut and paste, I actually meant the bit about 'bumping into him in a store'. Where did you get that from? Well, if it's not person one posting it must be related, if you get my drift. No one else I know has such a unique style. Personal insults aren't allowed in FT but they're fine on other people's blogs, where you have no real status to diss the writer, and if you don't like it why bother reading it and then spraying manure about it? A real tough guy/gal would face the writer in person, not make an issue in public. That shows a total lack of decency and guts. If you want an argument, I'll play along, but try and base it on something both relevant and accurate, not something you know apparently not enough about to comment on. Why not ask Nick himself if you're so concerned about it, though to be honest I wouldn't want him disturbed by someone out to get him. By the way, in five years I've never insulted anyone I've met online, least of all in public. Partly as until you (whoever the hell you are as if I actually care...) came along I'd never met anyone that ignorant. But I still wouldn't stoop to that level.
11:30 PM
David said...
By the way, if you'd read this http://www.jimmyvincent.com/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=25&t=000253
you could see everything again, but written by Nick as well as me. Knowing where to look before you accuse would help.
12:10 AM
David said...
And I only print out a few important posts, not every one. It shows you're not paying any attention to detail, especially when it doesn't support your campaign.
OK, I barely need to comment after posting it, but being the analytical type have to say a few things.
It's interesting how this person has picked on a totally irrelevant issue to pin all her venom on. Nick Roach is just a teacher I have publicised since I saw him talk last October, and he agreed to let me use his teaching in forums (as he did himself already). Why pick holes in my dubious grammar that doesn't always convey what I want to say perfectly (which I'm fully aware of) to imply all sorts of libellous things rather than actually (if it's possible) choose something I may actually have done? And posting it in public with no evidence isn't very clever either, but people who would persecute someone just because of a personal grudge don't do the right things, do they?
Anonymous said...
I seem to recall in one of your earlier blog posts, that you had already "bumped" into Roach at a local store? Was that the truth or was it a lie?
Remember when you said that he gave you permission to post his teachings? Again is that true? or is that a lie?
So if you already met him, and received permission from him to post his teachings, then how is that you only "first" met him at your enlightenment class?
Well, which is it?
6:21 PM
David said...
This posting is weird, one of us appears paranoid and it's not me.
If you think I said I 'bumped into Nick Roach at a local store' please copy and paste it into your reply, as it's news to me.
Why the fuck would I say I'd got permission from him when I hadn't? Do you have some sort of campaign against me, because I can tell you now, it's not me that has the problem.
6:29 PM
Anonymous said...
My high is a possible first for FT- I wrote about an enlightenment teacher called Nick Roach I saw on the religion board, and he just emailed me to say he'd read it!
I said to my father after I saw him that I understood him so well that though I'm not enlightened I could help him with the teaching as I could present it the same way he does. Well guess what, Nick said he'd send me emails to post for him plus I can add my own ideas if I want. The next part is I recommended him to a radio show who has similar guests and the next day they called him! If they use him I'll be so pleased something I did actually worked, and who knows, I may be able to watch him there if I'm very lucky.
Look familiar? Notice how in the top part you say you received an email, then in the next paragraph you tell your father that when you saw Roach, that although you understand Roach so well, but are not enlightened you could help him with his teaching?
Remember those words that were typed by you? Or maybe you are too paranoid to admit it, because heaven forbid that your dear lovely follwers of your blog finally realise that you are totally full of it.
Oh, and what I quoted by you was typed by you on 31 December 2004.
How's that for throwing your own words back at you, uh?
P.S. This is not who you think it is, but it someone that knows you are full of shit.
P.P.S. And if you have any spinal cord at all, you won't delete this, because if you do, then I know that you are truly whacked and want to deceive the ones that read your blog. Obviously, you forget what you post and where...and you are the same one that prints out every single one of your posts right? So, how could you have forgotten the words in bold above?
A~
11:11 AM
David said...
Fair enough, I won't delete you as you do a better job of looking mentally ill by leaving it there than anything else I could do as well.
I didn't actually meet Nick in October by speaking to him, I was just an anonymous face in his audience. I meant 'met' this time as I spoke to him face to face. As if that's important to you?
When I said cut and paste, I actually meant the bit about 'bumping into him in a store'. Where did you get that from? Well, if it's not person one posting it must be related, if you get my drift. No one else I know has such a unique style. Personal insults aren't allowed in FT but they're fine on other people's blogs, where you have no real status to diss the writer, and if you don't like it why bother reading it and then spraying manure about it? A real tough guy/gal would face the writer in person, not make an issue in public. That shows a total lack of decency and guts. If you want an argument, I'll play along, but try and base it on something both relevant and accurate, not something you know apparently not enough about to comment on. Why not ask Nick himself if you're so concerned about it, though to be honest I wouldn't want him disturbed by someone out to get him. By the way, in five years I've never insulted anyone I've met online, least of all in public. Partly as until you (whoever the hell you are as if I actually care...) came along I'd never met anyone that ignorant. But I still wouldn't stoop to that level.
11:30 PM
David said...
By the way, if you'd read this http://www.jimmyvincent.com/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=25&t=000253
you could see everything again, but written by Nick as well as me. Knowing where to look before you accuse would help.
12:10 AM
David said...
And I only print out a few important posts, not every one. It shows you're not paying any attention to detail, especially when it doesn't support your campaign.
OK, I barely need to comment after posting it, but being the analytical type have to say a few things.
It's interesting how this person has picked on a totally irrelevant issue to pin all her venom on. Nick Roach is just a teacher I have publicised since I saw him talk last October, and he agreed to let me use his teaching in forums (as he did himself already). Why pick holes in my dubious grammar that doesn't always convey what I want to say perfectly (which I'm fully aware of) to imply all sorts of libellous things rather than actually (if it's possible) choose something I may actually have done? And posting it in public with no evidence isn't very clever either, but people who would persecute someone just because of a personal grudge don't do the right things, do they?
Monday, April 04, 2005
Nick Roach visit
After seeing a Nick Roach lecture on enlightenment in October I was so impressed (see blog for details late 10/03) I called the radio to try and get him a spot on a show. That led to a caller booking him for a regular series of workshops near me, and I went to the first one today (well, most of it...). It was amazing to finally meet him after helping him out with some publicity online after 6 months, and we got on really well.
I learnt a lot more about both his life, experiences and teachings, and thanks to a question asked I can add some of his ideas on the supernatural.
Basically, if you view life as a dream and we are all that's in it, it all makes sense. And of course, writing it here is superfluous, as there's no one else to read it! Anyway, I'll do what's taught generally and work within the dream for now (as there's little else I can do) and explain. In a dream everything's possible, so if we want to change the laws of science we just decide to. Those who claim to do just this, yogis and Uri Geller for example would have somehow retrained their mind to accept the world is actually projected by them, so why not fiddle with it a bit. Clairvoyance (as agreed by David Icke, which I also read yesterday, by a typical coincidence) makes sense as well as we just stretch our knowledge to areas beyond our illusory separate body to the rest of the dream we're creating. And finally this explains my scriptwriter theory as coincidences would happen if we are somehow behind writing this script. I'd like to believe there's a bit more than just me here, and Nick and David Icke both experienced voices/beings from beyond guiding them, which points to the situation that though within the dream it's just my world, though we can't know anything that's outside, maybe these beings can break into our dream at special times (as in angels) to give us some guidance. Don't tell me at last life's beginning to fit together?!
My choices to change the dream are now as follows: As I've experienced some fantastic dreams in my life then why shouldn't I introduce some more elements from the dreams into my life? I've met people who felt like angels, and met their counterparts in real life as well. I've seen some similar places to the amazing ones in my dreams and a friend who has clearly been there as well. One was even seen as a location in the future on the river Thames where some years later the very same buildings I saw were planned for that spot by Sir norman Foster, the architect, advertised and then withdrawn. That's the only time my dream has almost altered real life, though that was by chance, not by choice. Of course I have my egg I'd like to hatch and run its course whether short or long term, whatever's right, but the relationship will occur. There's another person I'd like before that (a former ambition) so I have that under my belt as well (well I am a man, and single so why the hell not?). I don't want these two women to overlap of course, as I may be a man but I've never been a bastard!
Apart from those short-term and general choices, there must be many rough edges in my life, many of which are unnecessary and could be smoothed, from things in my house to people I know and don't see much of any more, plus to remove a couple from being around, as some do end up, as the phrase says, like stinking fish after hanging around too long, and I'm too afraid of conflict usually to send them on their ways tidily, and just end up hiding and dropping little hints that aren't ever picked up. I'd also extend and increase my own psychic powers a few levels (I do have some basics already), and finally (for now) get someone to publish my writing in a major publication, and then maybe a book. Oh, and getting married (no idea who to yet) would be nice...
I learnt a lot more about both his life, experiences and teachings, and thanks to a question asked I can add some of his ideas on the supernatural.
Basically, if you view life as a dream and we are all that's in it, it all makes sense. And of course, writing it here is superfluous, as there's no one else to read it! Anyway, I'll do what's taught generally and work within the dream for now (as there's little else I can do) and explain. In a dream everything's possible, so if we want to change the laws of science we just decide to. Those who claim to do just this, yogis and Uri Geller for example would have somehow retrained their mind to accept the world is actually projected by them, so why not fiddle with it a bit. Clairvoyance (as agreed by David Icke, which I also read yesterday, by a typical coincidence) makes sense as well as we just stretch our knowledge to areas beyond our illusory separate body to the rest of the dream we're creating. And finally this explains my scriptwriter theory as coincidences would happen if we are somehow behind writing this script. I'd like to believe there's a bit more than just me here, and Nick and David Icke both experienced voices/beings from beyond guiding them, which points to the situation that though within the dream it's just my world, though we can't know anything that's outside, maybe these beings can break into our dream at special times (as in angels) to give us some guidance. Don't tell me at last life's beginning to fit together?!
My choices to change the dream are now as follows: As I've experienced some fantastic dreams in my life then why shouldn't I introduce some more elements from the dreams into my life? I've met people who felt like angels, and met their counterparts in real life as well. I've seen some similar places to the amazing ones in my dreams and a friend who has clearly been there as well. One was even seen as a location in the future on the river Thames where some years later the very same buildings I saw were planned for that spot by Sir norman Foster, the architect, advertised and then withdrawn. That's the only time my dream has almost altered real life, though that was by chance, not by choice. Of course I have my egg I'd like to hatch and run its course whether short or long term, whatever's right, but the relationship will occur. There's another person I'd like before that (a former ambition) so I have that under my belt as well (well I am a man, and single so why the hell not?). I don't want these two women to overlap of course, as I may be a man but I've never been a bastard!
Apart from those short-term and general choices, there must be many rough edges in my life, many of which are unnecessary and could be smoothed, from things in my house to people I know and don't see much of any more, plus to remove a couple from being around, as some do end up, as the phrase says, like stinking fish after hanging around too long, and I'm too afraid of conflict usually to send them on their ways tidily, and just end up hiding and dropping little hints that aren't ever picked up. I'd also extend and increase my own psychic powers a few levels (I do have some basics already), and finally (for now) get someone to publish my writing in a major publication, and then maybe a book. Oh, and getting married (no idea who to yet) would be nice...
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Another day
Just to update yesterday, which was free from start to finish, I did neither of the things I said, Homebase didn't have what I wanted (don't ask, some things are too boring even for here). Instead I did a couple of similar things, including taking a photo of a car parked off the road without a number plate but still showing the ad plate of the original garage, Tropical Ford in South Orlando, Florida. What someone's doing with a new Ford muscle car that he can't actually drive is a mystery, which is why I took the photo for my collection.
I also ordered a model Renault Avantime, a car which was hyped for years, arrived late in 2001 and almost instantly withdrawn after barely selling one unit. As there are less than 10 in Britain (though I've seen a few) I may as well have a model to see it at my leisure.
To quote my grandma, I didn't see a single person all day (except the staff in the Renault garage). After that it was TV and then my forum chatroom, but at least it was UFO day on the Discovery channel so there was plenty to watch, especially as the normal 5 channels had cack on from 7.30 onwards. Sadly, for all those clever Dicks who 'prefer to live alone' (something we call rationalisation in therapy), the day highlighted perfectly why it's better to share your house, as otherwise you have to rely on secondhand entertainment via a screen, which isn't good for the soul when it takes up most of a day off. I'll just finish with the extended observation of people who claim not to want or need a partner. These are either people who had one and are scared to suffer a break up again, or those who are simply inadequate and lying to cover up their inability to assimilate. We are not designed to spend long periods alone, and anyone who does through 'choice' raises my suspicions at least. If you know anyone like this then look behind it, you'll find something I'm sure.
I also ordered a model Renault Avantime, a car which was hyped for years, arrived late in 2001 and almost instantly withdrawn after barely selling one unit. As there are less than 10 in Britain (though I've seen a few) I may as well have a model to see it at my leisure.
To quote my grandma, I didn't see a single person all day (except the staff in the Renault garage). After that it was TV and then my forum chatroom, but at least it was UFO day on the Discovery channel so there was plenty to watch, especially as the normal 5 channels had cack on from 7.30 onwards. Sadly, for all those clever Dicks who 'prefer to live alone' (something we call rationalisation in therapy), the day highlighted perfectly why it's better to share your house, as otherwise you have to rely on secondhand entertainment via a screen, which isn't good for the soul when it takes up most of a day off. I'll just finish with the extended observation of people who claim not to want or need a partner. These are either people who had one and are scared to suffer a break up again, or those who are simply inadequate and lying to cover up their inability to assimilate. We are not designed to spend long periods alone, and anyone who does through 'choice' raises my suspicions at least. If you know anyone like this then look behind it, you'll find something I'm sure.
Friday, April 01, 2005
Shovelling it.
A week to see the dentist? Make that two weeks, as was confirmed once I got a firm booking. Well, that's life and I know other people in a similar position. Relating to what a recent comment said about coincidences being beneficial or not, the rule of karma would say the benefit here would be to make me rise above it which is what I'm now trying to do. I'll certainly be just as happy if my little project goes well, so I'm not doing that badly.
As I expected, I've started on the garden, but as my mum's gardener had to return to Zanzibar for some sort of festival for a month, I was called in to replace him and had the lovely job (for the first and hopefully the last time) of shovelling compost. It contained virtually everything (from the smell) except actual shit and weighed enough as well, and had to be taken out of the bin, put on a wheelbarrow, spread all over the earth and then replaced with new junk to turn into the next lot. I was covered in it by the end as you'd expect and have the washing going round in the machine as I write. Luckily my neighbour let me use his skip yesterday, so (also pretty heavy work) managed to clear a good deal of crap out of my leaking garage that had been there for years. I also met one of the mice who lives there who may or may not have been more surprised than me when I disturbed it (by accident) out of a box. I didn't realise they could jump that high...
Apart from that things are fairly peaceful at the moment, thank god, and I won't look ahead to ruin things but take it while I can. Tomorrow is free all day (first time for weeks) and I can do exactly what I like. My guesses so far include a visit to Homebase and the cycle repair shop for a new tyre, whcih may well sound the pinnacle of banal, but especially if shared, these small local experiences can be far more relaxing and satisfying than the sort of things many people seem to need to do for pleasure, though most are a lot younger than me, and I've done all the 'exciting' things to death and would just like to settle down into a quiet middle aged family life with a decent woman who feels the same (but needn't also be middle aged). I was part of this as a child till I was about 21, and though I had ambitions for far greater things at the time I'd now be happy with the sort of life my own parents had, minus the working hours though. If you look at the sort of typical 1960s TV suburban families in tree-lined roads having dinner parties and the like, that's the sort of life I grew up with, more or less. Apart from being an only child and never hanging on to a decent girlfriend once I was older it was pretty well as I liked it. The highlight was my neighbour who was literally like a wife in being both my closest friend, we shared literally everything and often slept over, but had our first explorations as well. She moved soon after, and I don't think I ever had a female friend as close as that again, but it showed me a view of how things can be when they feel right with someone. We had no inhibitions between each other in any way, and I think that would have been the same whatever age we were as we just worked together. Just to end that story, after she moved she became a lawyer and that was the last time I spoke to her. As she was a year older than me she pushed me around, and didn't see me as boyfriend material when we were older due to my age. As far as I know she got married, and when her name turned up on friends reunited she ignored my email, as so many do there. She'd be 46 now, and probably a millionaire (literally). But I'll always remember her as she was, it doesn't matter what she did after that. Well at least I managed to get lost in a bit of nostalgia there, which is what it's for really.
As I expected, I've started on the garden, but as my mum's gardener had to return to Zanzibar for some sort of festival for a month, I was called in to replace him and had the lovely job (for the first and hopefully the last time) of shovelling compost. It contained virtually everything (from the smell) except actual shit and weighed enough as well, and had to be taken out of the bin, put on a wheelbarrow, spread all over the earth and then replaced with new junk to turn into the next lot. I was covered in it by the end as you'd expect and have the washing going round in the machine as I write. Luckily my neighbour let me use his skip yesterday, so (also pretty heavy work) managed to clear a good deal of crap out of my leaking garage that had been there for years. I also met one of the mice who lives there who may or may not have been more surprised than me when I disturbed it (by accident) out of a box. I didn't realise they could jump that high...
Apart from that things are fairly peaceful at the moment, thank god, and I won't look ahead to ruin things but take it while I can. Tomorrow is free all day (first time for weeks) and I can do exactly what I like. My guesses so far include a visit to Homebase and the cycle repair shop for a new tyre, whcih may well sound the pinnacle of banal, but especially if shared, these small local experiences can be far more relaxing and satisfying than the sort of things many people seem to need to do for pleasure, though most are a lot younger than me, and I've done all the 'exciting' things to death and would just like to settle down into a quiet middle aged family life with a decent woman who feels the same (but needn't also be middle aged). I was part of this as a child till I was about 21, and though I had ambitions for far greater things at the time I'd now be happy with the sort of life my own parents had, minus the working hours though. If you look at the sort of typical 1960s TV suburban families in tree-lined roads having dinner parties and the like, that's the sort of life I grew up with, more or less. Apart from being an only child and never hanging on to a decent girlfriend once I was older it was pretty well as I liked it. The highlight was my neighbour who was literally like a wife in being both my closest friend, we shared literally everything and often slept over, but had our first explorations as well. She moved soon after, and I don't think I ever had a female friend as close as that again, but it showed me a view of how things can be when they feel right with someone. We had no inhibitions between each other in any way, and I think that would have been the same whatever age we were as we just worked together. Just to end that story, after she moved she became a lawyer and that was the last time I spoke to her. As she was a year older than me she pushed me around, and didn't see me as boyfriend material when we were older due to my age. As far as I know she got married, and when her name turned up on friends reunited she ignored my email, as so many do there. She'd be 46 now, and probably a millionaire (literally). But I'll always remember her as she was, it doesn't matter what she did after that. Well at least I managed to get lost in a bit of nostalgia there, which is what it's for really.
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