Saturday, April 16, 2005


I've been playing online mahjong a lot recently, and many situations in my life reflect similar puzzles, where every issue seems stuck, you don't think you can go and then see a small move you can make, like someone trapped and trying to dig their way out of debris.
In mahjong there are two consequences of a small move. It can either take you a few moves ahead to a deadlock, or open up the board to a win (where you clear all the tiles. In comparison, each issue in my life is on such a journey where it gets jammed from time to time, and some end in deadlock where you give up as it can't shift, and others tend to move a little. None for some time though have cleared the board.

I'd love to give as much detail as possible, as half-stories designed to protect the innocent and the writer are damned annoying with certain bits missed out for legal reasons. I'll try and paint a big enough possible picture without actualy identifying anyone indirectly.
My eggs continue to be in the incubator. The female one is still in regular contact, and one way or another will be 'tested' shortly to see if I'm on the right track. It's like a long drawn-out game though as I didn't originally meet her socially and turning round a relationship from business to pleasure is a toughie at times. Another woman who is a friend is (against past verbal protestations to the contrary) appearing a little more 'friendly', but talk is easy and action is another whole story. To change her original opinion would be almost a miracle, though I know it does happen quite often when it comes to women's feelings...
The media career is creeping forwards. The 'clearing the board' will occur when the TV programme is shown, and if I get more business from it that'll be my cash prize, which is a bonus to winning any game besides the satisfaction. I'm still writing regularly, and pleasing myself more with some of the results as well as a few people who have read them. I'm adding contacts slowly but surely, and as Max Clifford wrote in a paper once, I'm building up a healthy network which is essential for most media successes.
So, that basically covers business and pleasure, but the third of course is spirit, after mind and body. My recent meeting with Nick Roach boosted my enthusiasm for a practice that was becoming a bit flat after the initial realisation I was doing something helpful. How the hell long it'll take of pretty regular practice for me to shift internally, small or big, is partly related to the amount I do and partly myn own fate. But I'll carry on as this is something in me that I follow out of instinct rather than anything else. And my new picture of a fully flexible reality, as in the Matrix films, is really aiming high if I expect to become the new Sai Baba or Matthew Manning. But Hazel Courtenay has had such an experience herself (just google) and having started her book yesterday I'm inspired again after the initial glamour of David Icke was wearing off. She seems to have her head truly screwed on and still says she was producing objects from thought as Sai Baba does. She's a successful journalist and Sloane Ranger in her fifties, the last sort of person you'd expect to go funny, so I'm far more inclined to trust her than some of the others who aren't from such proven and reliable backgrounds.

All in all if I was to finish just one of these very slowly moving projects it would balance out the other stress going on that is quite common in my life, but much easier to handle with a solid foundation, whether family or something else. As I now deal with everything living alone I can't come home to a chat, shared meal, walk or shopping visit, just the usual toys I have in the house or the things I just listed but alone. I do wonder if the woman in question may actually prefer life with someone else as well, or is happy alone. The second one definitely is, so is in little need of extra baggage named David or anyone else. I'm not sure what else to say here besides the passive approach, where I react to other people's shifts seems to work best apart from a major intervention when things are stuck (kill or cure) as I have nothing to lose. So if things are slowly moving, like lava imperceptibly creeping across a field, I leave things alone, but when it finally stops I get the equipment out to give it a blast, and it sometimes works. But now I've thought of a final point. Why on earth the bloody hell can't one of these women at last ask me out instead of me dragging my guts out doing all the work myself on every one? I know in past times (1960 back to biblical times) most women would think people would brand them as whores for doing this, and would rather grow whiskers themselves waiting for someone to ask them they were already madly in love with. In fact, many still do, which explains half the problem. Otherwise it's just 'The way things are done', and I'd just like to say 'NO! Ladies, start taking the initiative yourselves and save men some of the anguish!'. You know it makes sense, Rodney. (notice my liberal use of British TV comedy references in my blog...).


Philosopher Newport said...

It's only anguishing to ask a woman out if it's a woman you have little or nothing in common with---and a woman who is clearly not attracted to you. I know this from miserable experience.

You are still not facing & accepting your personal reality & fate. This leads one to create crisis for stimulation.

The thing is, David, you have a head full of fantasies about how you think your life will be once a woman becomes your lover/companion.
I can assure you, my fellow Aquarian, that a woman will bring out the worst in you---and maybe this is what you want. Maybe it will be grist for the mill regarding your profession. You will learn things about yourself which you will then be able to apply to your clients.

Sounds like you are terribly desperate; and it sounds like you are attempting to start a relationship with one of your clients (or ex clients). Bad move, brother. She will suck you into her melodrama and you will have more than you can deal with. You won't be able to disassociate from her feelings. You will get caught up in them and burn like hell.

When they are clients they are a job and you can leave the job behind you at the end of the day. When you live with them, you live with their drama. It's truly horrible.

I declare you are very horny and want little more than to have wild sex and long cosy cuddles. Unfortunately these come with a price. Here is where you are being unrealistic. You want the pudding but not the peas. You think you can have the pudding without the peas. You think you're too clever to get trapped by the shittiness that comes with all intimate relationships but you're not. None of us are.

The pursuit of peace of mind or control over your mortal fate only brings more disappointment and creates goal posts which continually move. Accepting how things are RIGHT NOW AS-THEY-ARE is the only way you can maintain a decent appetite and a good night's sleep.

"Self improvement" equals self-loathing---and that just stirs up the pot and keeps things muddy.

You still think others have it better than you---but they don't. You've fallen for the illusions cast by Ken Wilber or Baba or Chopra (or whomever). You think they are having a grand old time based on their public personas, but they are just salesmen who also have to eat their fair share of shit (they just don't tell you about it because it would hurt their sales). The only thing they've figured out is how to make a living by selling lies with their "winning" or "humble" public personas.

You have made your relative happiness conditional. "When I get this or that---or as soon as I can make such & such happen then I will relax and be happy"---it's a terrible lie. Relative happiness is only available NOW---NOW while you're in the pool of shit---NOW with things as fucked up as they seem...because it's your perspective making up the scenery. Adjust your perspective and the same scenery becomes acceptable and worthy of gratitude.

I'm looking for a publisher and/or literary agent. Any suggestions?

David said...

Well, Newport, you've analysed my situation pretty accurately (though of course spilling every detail by me in public must have helped!). Accepting things as they are is half the answer, as given by many teachers. Shifting it at will looks better to me, or waking from the dream entirely. It's a bit like being blind, seeing, and then losing your sight again. I've tasted the chocolate. I know I do not get oushed around by women- why? Because it takes most women maybe 3 dates before that side of them comes out, if it's in there. It's only a specific type, and as soon as I see it I'm off. Some may try and nag and boss but don't really mind whether you follow or not. Those I can test and handle if they pass. My home routine is formless, as I have no reason to do anything in particular when I'm not working. So a new routine guided by a woman is fine, if she doesn't like doing what I do then she won't make it. The one in question may well fit, I'll only have the one chance to see and accept whatever happens, but I can say it's not a regular client. I learnt that lesson you rightly identified already and won't get caught again.

As for publishing contacts, when I self-published my booklet 10 years ago, it wasn't because I couldn't get a publisher, it was because i couldn't even get an agent! My contacts are in psychic/paranormal research and the odd journalist, I am only writing short pieces now since conversations with God was published, as it contained many of my own ideas. All I can suggest is to extract a few good bits and make them into an article and send it around and also try and get it published for nothing as I do.