Friday, April 08, 2005


As we had storms and hail till about 8pm tonight I only went out for about 20 minutes for a bit of shopping, and at the end of the day could either wimp out and not post here, or bite the bullet and see what occurred. As Freud often encouraged his patients to, he'd start off with a subject and ask them to just say what came into their heads. Hence this post. Unplanned and not based on anything I did today, plus I haven't had any insights, ideas or other progress on any front that I can start from either.
There has been a theme of chaos in the last few months, as in the stressful sort. Life seemed to go out of control in the way you often enjoy it in a film or tv programme but not in your life. Without adding too many details, I got hooked up with some people who chaos followed around, and added to my own I also took on theirs. This involved regular phone calls from 1 to 2 am, trips round supermarkets at similar times, arguments, insults, and general hassle to add to my own dental breakages, usual disappointing email reply level, broken promises by tradesmen and businesses I deal with, family responsibilities (I'm the only child and grandchild so the buck tends to stop here) and anything else I haven't managed to think of. OK, this is life as most people know it, and most people do work full time as well (though this does mop up many of the hours I have available to get either caught or left indoors to languish as today). The trouble is, as I've said before and may repeat for the next 40 plus years, I have no one at home to help me out or talk to. When I did (with family) I still had similar stresses (though I was a lot younger and could handle them better) but knew whatever hell happened outside I'd soon return to a comfortable civilisation indoors. Somehow an empty, albeit similar house just doesn't do it the same way.

So, what do others do about it? There is little common ground from my enquiries. It depends on your interests and social skills whether you meet women in public or private places, and anyone living in a town of less than 100,000 people knows more or less every single woman personally and has no trouble, I've been told by people who used to live there. So that has no simple solution. As for the chaos, saying no is one very valuable tool. My hypnotherapist told me years ago how to turn people down from invitations I didn't like without rejecting them personally, which helped a lot. At 40 I learned I may as well just turn people down flat anyway as my time was running out I may as well spend it more the way I wanted to. But I don't have the heart to reject people directly, and have had all sorts of schizophrenics, manic/depressives (ie all variations) etc hanging around me for years, as my father said, because I encourage them by being nice to them. I presume this means most people just tell them curtly where to get off, which I don't ever witness happening, but apart from one who became very aggressive I've still not done more than subtly trying to avoid them, some for longer than others. I'd be interested to hear other experiences people have had in looking after number one rather than sacrifice time and patience for people who drain you dry. I suppose there are books and websites around, I should go and look.

Anyway, the chaos is now, like the wind measurements, down to about force 5, a fresh breeze. It's been worse but of course why is it there at all? My grandma's in hospital with a dicky kidney, which we all hope to god is fixed on Saturday when they 'go in'. D day is now 5 days away (d being for dentist, visit 3 from 4, as far as I can tell). Other things I've mentioned recently are wobbling (I hope not terminally) for no apparent reason, but most people fear the worst when people go quiet on you. I collected my Renault model yesterday which is now on the top of a large display. Other than that the sponge of recent experience has been fully sueezed out now, and though the clouds of medical and dental treatments float across the sky of life, half the people I know are in similar positions but don't bloody moan about it. At least my blood pressure is normal, and that must help. If a miracle could happen, now would be a good time. This posting should be edged in black, but it's been that sort of day...


Philosopher Newport said...

Do you want a companion or a whore?
Whores can be had through escort agencies---hell, they can be had via the Internet!
On the other hand, companions come through a shared interest---and destiny.
Boy,I say, boy it's high time you considered how good you got it not having to share a bed & loo with anyone, nor having someone nagging you, talking about things that wiil either cost you your free time or money or will require your manual labor.
Kingsbury (my preferred name for you), you don't strike me as someone who smokes pot on a regular basis--or at all. Look into it.
Pot. Grass. Not hashish (or cannabis resin) but marijuana. It will loosen you up. You'll laugh at those neurotic whinjings and complaints. Everything is as good as it'll ever be, and as bad, too. Expect the worst and accept that it can't be any better. This dreamgame is a shithole made all the more shittier by the ocassional nice or ecstatic times.

Get a fast broadband connection (less than 30 quid a month) and start hunting mp3's & mpegs. Install DC++ and getta crackin before these good old days of file sharing are somehow made impossible & highly illegal.

Philosopher Newport said...

The old "I'm too nice to tell shitheads to leave me alone" line is a bunch of bullshit. You don't tell 'em cuz you're scared.

You've been hanging out with shitty people cuz you can't stand to be by yourself.

Someday, after you're married (and it WILL happen) you'll kick yourself for not seeing how good you've got it right now by yourself. You can come & go as you please--no questions asked. Buy & sell whatever you want. Listen to your tunes whenever. And those 3 cookies left in the jar from tonight's pig-out will still be there tomorrow night.

By the way, where is this "supernatural/paranormal interest blogs" list that had a link to my blog? Just curious...

David said...

Many points to answer here-

I have spent short periods living with a girlfriend who was totally inadequate, but still 100 times better than being on my own, and as I'd known her many years I could be myself completely and let myself go without any judgement. We can only judge relationships from our own experiences, good or bad, I think everyone's a bit or a lot different.
I can't recall 100% but I think I found you through your comment on Stef Zucconi's blog rather than my profile interests which is my usual route.

Broadband, ah, how that word calls up a futuristic vision of progress and superior technology. Sadly, being in one of the largest and most expensive cities in the world we don't actually have such a thing in North London. I now pay about £7 a month more for dial up than broadband, and will continue to do so.
Smoking pot, I can say that when my hard-earnt meditation method worked a few times, it was at least as good as a little trip on pot, and far less dangerous on all fronts. I am using meditation as my own route to better places as we're all aiming in the same place whether via drugs or the yogic route.

You're right on the shitheads, my circle of friends dwindled down to zero not so long ago, and the girlfriends have been like that as long as I remember. The conflict potential of winding up certain people is like walking up to an unexploded firework and getting the lot in your face. Instead I tended to drop hints, act up and hope they'd choose to leave, which is eventually what she did. You always break a few eggs, but I got less of it on me than if I'd have been more direct.
And companion is the main thing I'd like, but if she doesn't turn me on she'd only be a friend and still leave the yawning gap where the girlfriend belongs. I like your optimism that I'll get married, in fact, when it comes to aims it's been my primary aim since graduating 20 years ago, and the only aim I've had of any realism that I've never even started the path to. No wonder I've developed the attitude to let it happen after so many years of trying to make it happen with no effect.
You're not an analyst yourself are you? ;)

Philosopher Newport said...

Your clients don't come to you to be cured or straightened out. They come to you to maintain their melodrama. I am not an analyst for this fact alone.

I am a philosopher/writer who currently works as a library assistant in Kent. I have been a philosopher since the age of 6. I have written 3 books and not one publisher or literary agent (out of over 100) has wanted to see my manuscripts, but I continue to write as if some day soon I will find an enthusiastic publisher and get these wonderful, unique books published. I don't have a pension, don't contribute to any pension scheme. If I can't eventually make a living from the sales of my books (and audio recordings) then I will become homeless in my old age (if not sooner).

But nevermind. I could fall down the stairs today and break my neck, so I enjoy the here & now regardless if I ever get my books published.