I was going to write another of my lists, and then thought, hang on, this is a blog, people apart from me won't want to read these bloody things. Never mind, I'll make the same point without the usual pile of evidence...
Basically, when I talk about my eggs in the nest it means every project I've started until a result happens good or bad. I was wondering if it was typical of every project, big or small, so few ended in success. The difference between exams and life is at least we get infinite chances to try in life, and there's always a chance one attempt will work. Also because I haven't got a stable family life to come home to like most people do (except the few that prefer to be alone) I have to rely on the much less likely highlights to make life fun than just get on with it like I used to when I was part of a family.
This week made me aware of it, as even when stress does go away, I'm just left with a desert more or less. It amazes me that someone can find so much to do every day on their own (OK, there is the internet to fill very large gaps) as when I was first in this position when I left school at 16 and had to wait 6 months to go into college all my friends were still there every day, and I got thoroughly fed up with nothing to do. That was when I had two offers to stay abroad for a few months, the first and last time I was prepared to do so, and the first, Australia, was reversed when my cousin there got here first and put me off the whole idea (no idea why...?). I was then offered the chance to stay with a family in Israel, which sounded fine, and as I related here already, until after five days sleeping on various friend's and relative's floors, discovered the family I was due to stay with had buggered off abroad for a family funeral and there was basically nowhere for me to stay. The following 8 years were so crammed with exams, though I got a 3 week trip to the States in half way through that period, I couldn't manage any more, and after looking for a job in Devon without any success my incentive for spending time abroad had gone by the time I finished my full time studies. A few months abroad would have been an experience I could remember that would have allowed me to relate to two totally different cultures without ending up as I am, so totally centred on north London.
Anyway, the point was, this week reminded me of 1976 when though I had little I had to do, there was little I could do either. Nowadays I have my painting, writing and music to keep me busy, but conversation is the superior occupation for me and that's pretty well rationed at the moment. So my imagination naturally wanders to better times, lost possibilities, and ambitions with little ability to control. I have prepared an article for a new magazine Nick Roach is writing for and pointed me towards, and I have long enough to mix and match topics so they should have something usable before the deadline arrives in 4 weeks. I also have to book a meeting with someone who runs an art gallery to see if he wants to use my paintings. I can turn out a 6X4 painting in less than a day, and if they like them I'll at least be usefully occupied for a while ahead. Finally on my list of possibilities is hearing from Tatjana B. after 37 years or so, for all I know the address I found for her brother wasn't even the same person, I remember the elation when I first joined friends reunited and found the name of my first girlfriend Melissa Nelson in Blackheath. I couldn't believe it, I'd fallen out with her in 1972 (my fault), and last spoke to her around 1977 before she moved, and she sounded a total misery at the time. I got a reply saying 'Oh, you got me mixed up as well- we were both at the same dentist and he got our notes mixed up as well.' Turned out they even had the same middle names and both had fathers in the navy. Bloody hell! I still haven't found her, so if someone reading this in New Mexico or BC happens to have met her on holiday in Italy or South Africa then I may find out where she is again. Or not... As I said, another false start.
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'The source of happiness is within'- smoking grass is for sure one way to connect with that, so is meditation, and I can confirm both can do it. And I still meditate as I'd rather avoid any other effects plus I don't smoke.
I could switch to BT if I really needed broadband, but apart from having to redial every 2 hours there's little left I need to download at speed, and I'd have to pay two companies for phone rental as the cable's for all my other services whether I use them or not.
The other activities are what I do, and you can get some pretty good video shorts on dialup, and I have 150+ cable channels for choice, but comparing with big brother today, if I had to choose entertainment or people, I'd rather have the people.
As for the women, you're dead right how the system works, but if we all gave up the devil would have won the game! Even sex alone is good, but I learnt at an early age if there's nothing to talk about after it's pretty boring.
At least your advice is the first I've had for ages that is reflected in what I am doing myself, I have just started writing for a new magazine, the TV programme is imminent, and I will always meditate whatever may happen or not, and I do know it can take you way beyond any drugs as it can reach the very place the drugs open for a short time. But thanks for the interest, I just want the use of a good woman while I still have the faculties to enjoy one, I'm no longer a young person!
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