You got to have a system!

Any other fans in the UK or elsewhere would recognize this catch phrase instantly, which, in my opinion, combined with Harry Hill's other two, ('I don't make the rules' and 'What are the chances of that happening?') could possibly apply to virtually every situation in life.

The reason I say it is simple. Last week my grandma had a leaflet put through her door saying the great man would be filming on the village green opposite her house for three days this week. Having missed seeing him when the only show I went to was cancelled, I was even more interested in going to watch, as they'd turned the whole area into a film set for a new series. They filmed the same 2 minute scene at least 8 times over an hour, but he wasn't in it. As I couldn't see him, I asked a member of the crew if he was actually there, and he showed me a monitor where three people were covered with a black sheet to keep the light away, and one was him. After a while he emerged, and in between takes I asked someone if I could get an autograph, and he came over and actually spent about 5 minutes talking, as well as signing the title quote in my little book. Some celebrities are just like you'd expect, and he certainly was, what a nice bloke. I'll go and look tomorrow in case he's actually in whatever scenes they're filming.

Becoming a celebrity is one of my ambitions, as it always has been, and unless it ever happens meeting others is as close as I can get. As it is, the total cretins who produce celebrity reality shows have now replaced the real ones with their friends and ex-lovers, as in Alex Best, Abi Titmuss, Rebecca Loos, Fran Cotton,and all the other bunch of totally useless wankers who had absolutely no other qualification for being there, and technically none full stop. Maybe if I meet enough of them I may be seen with one and asked along myself- that's the way it works now and bugger the talent aspect. I didn't want celebrity based on nothing though, as I have been performing since I was at school, and had to forgo the Equity actors' union route when I did my degree, as I could only concentrate on one course at a time. But I can always do the stuff if needed to, I have done the odd musical cabaret ever since but I'd prefer comedy to music as the practice involved in advance as a solo pianist, as well as the boredom of finding things to play for two or three hours takes most of the fun out of it. I could also do or talk about counselling on TV, as others already do, except I haven't actually been out with the producer (or worse).

On a list of the people I'd still most like to meet, Harry was actually top (as I'd already seen Patrick Stewart, though I didn't actually go and talk to him) followed by Ben Elton who is now top of the unseen list, but who now spends a lot of his time in Australia. Others I did see long ago were Frankie Howerd, saw Monty Python live (from the highest seats, so they looked like ants), so now there could be Bruce Forsyth and Michael Caine left, though I doubt they'll be hanging around the streets of suburban London nowadays. David Baddiel wasn't particularly on my list though I do think he's bloody funny, but I met (well, sort of) him some time ago at a local party, and he looked so thoroughly depressed I didn't dare go near him. He spent the evening looking into the distance with a few friends and didn't see him talk to anyone. Actually it's quite funny that someone so totally and explicitly Jewish has teamed up with the most extreme 'goyim' you could ever come across- Rob Newman and Frank Skinner. Maybe he believes that, even though he has picked two extremely talented sidekicks regardless, the total contrast may work in their favour.

Now if I had been his partner in comedy, it would have virtually been like looking in a mirror. The two introspective neurotic social misfits with persecution complexes. Mind you, the Marx brothers (and the three Stooges for that matter) had ready made comedy teams as all were brothers, though neither exploited the Jewish side of their acts, though any insider would notice it. Seinfeld on the other hand had a full Jewish comedy quota but the TV company refused to allow any other characters to officially 'come out' as it wouldn't appeal to a wider audience'(bollocks!). In fact apart from Kramer every character was Jewish and played Jewish. Every Jew on earth who watched it never once questioned the fact, and I would have thought anyone familiar with Jews would have picked it up pretty soon as well. Quincy was played by a Jewish actor, Jack Klugman, but what I loved about that show was the writers made every character including Sam and the black cleaning ladies talk the same as well, as they didn't realise it wasn't normal. So you'd get Sam reply 'Quincy, give me a break already, you'll give me a haemorrhage!' and the cleaning lady say something like 'Oh yeah, you should have my problems', all directly translated from Yiddish grammar and unobservedly turned into the whole script regardless of the backgrounds of the characters. Traditionally Jews have been performers, and mainly comedians and musicians. It's in our souls, and if Seinfeld had been allowed to become an openly Jewish programme, it could well have been even bigger, starting a whole Jewish comedy movement, and probably attracting a number of potential converts (don't bother, we don't usually do them!). Maybe that could be my destiny. To team up with David Baddiel and put on a series of totally Jewish based humour -they did very well with Asian humour in Goodness gracious me- that is definitely an as yet untapped potential. And apart from the 'Going for an English' sketch, the funniest Goodness gracious me one was where the son had converted to being Jewish. He did as good a Woody Allen as is physically possible, and I now wonder how anyone not Jewish could have portrayed it so accurately. Maybe there's something we haven't been told...