Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Limbo NW9

My current question is what if anything is going to make life more interesting. My actual achievements this year have removed all the existing obligations from the priority list, but besides a few stragglers on the 'can wait' list have little new to actually do to make the best of the now freer time. Of course having a free run doesn't make the people or places any different, it just means you don't have other crap in the way before you can make best use of it.

I've cracked the biggest mystery in enlightenment though, the bad feelings scenario they claim no longer concerns you. It's because you no longer label your feelings with value judgements, but just observe them, that retrains you to actually seeing them all as the same and finally transcending them, being a great barrier otherwise. And secondly my body is no longer separate from everything out there, but just as 'not me' as everything else, me being awareness alone. That cracked the second mystery I am not my body. The subject and object are not my body and everything else, but my awareness and everything else. Bit of Zen quoted there for a source.

I can't at least undo the fact my life was and should still be guided. Why I was guided to drive over 20 miles for a sign I found on Streetview today which turned out to be an extremely nasty recent copy is a mystery to me besides finding a way to spend an afternoon, but got no other photos as been there before and only got some food on the way back which was hardly a special reason to do all the rest. Now if I can find meaning in such pointless events I should be able to in everything, although enlightenment isn't reached through the intellect but the awareness.
So I hope the week ahead will offer more than passing the time aimlessly, last week was mainly hard work and glad it's out of the way, a couple of bookings this week already but free otherwise. I must say there's nothing in the news at the moment that bothers me, it's all pretty irrelevant and will let them get on with it. I can afford their green taxes and would probably still have to pay even if they were honest about needing the money to pay their debts.

It is quite interesting that even when I discover the world appears to have the long reported mind of its own it doesn't make life any better so far. Getting shit jobs out of the way means I'm no longer worried about it, but doesn't create anything besides the odd item in my collections. The actual material available to me hasn't changed, it operates differently when it chooses to but I'm no different whatever I've learnt and while I've been directed to complete one collection it hasn't really touched any other area so far. The fact everything is connected is reminded me a few times a day when I read or write something and hear it on TV or the radio as I do so. That happens to a lot of people I know now as well. So there seems to be an intelligent force but not one with any sort of values as such. It doesn't think, as a parent or partner would 'You've had a hard time long enough, learnt what you need to and can take it easy now' or reward you for your work like an employer would with a little more than some old road signs, although I really did want them as well they aren't enough to affect my life directly.

Then I get an offer of marriage which is with someone I'd feel alone with even if here as she hasn't got an intellect or much conversation full stop. The rest is fine, which is worse in a way as if she was like the others I had the chance I'd have turned and ran. But at 50 with a track record I haven't seen in anyone else whatever's wrong with them and can actually talk to women it's not as if a better chance may ever occur. If I'm bored with her now then presumably whatever I do with her next to me I'll be just as bored as I am without anyone but with the chance to get one. Everyone unanimously tells me to keep away but she is damned attractive and even agreed not to hassle me, which is almost a miracle in a woman. I've known her long enough (16 years) to know if she says she won't hassle me she means it. On the other side being at that age she wants children (may be too late already) and doesn't know anyone else available, so suspect given a few alternatives I wouldn't even get a look in. And this could be guided as well?

So maybe the next level of guidance will be implied rather tha explicit and need more interpretation to see the point. And the main things I want are what nearly everyone else has already (except a job thank you) with the fame being the only extra which I can take care of myself, and enlightenment as a star prize. Deal or No Deal is how I am with this woman now, I've been told I can either get sod all or £1000, where the top prize is £250,000. I've seen people accept about that and then find they could have got a lot more, but I get a chance like this about every 10 years and although my heart rejects it instantly I don't know if I'd get used to it being better than nothing and having to find intellectual conversations elsewhere. I'm so easy to please now but still can't get anyone who covers just enough of the requirements who wants me to get someone.

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