Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Yes, blogging isn't the free-for-all it could be when you open your first posting screen and feel you can fill the space with anything and share with the world. But then you get comebacks.

The obvious point is, besides rattling the cages of those who belong in them, people you know hopefully read it as well, and you're writing in many cases about those very people. So what do you do? I can't imagine warning everyone involved each time I'm going to refer to them, plus I also literally have to avoid some topics I'd love to share as it's stuff that may well bugger up the very issues I want to share.
So of course there are one or two hot (as in potentially interesting for readers, not actually occuring in my life, god forbid...) issues going on at the moment, and my innate desire to share stories is being crushed cruelly by larger circumstances that activate my discretion.

Otherwise business is going well now, two articles I sent off have just been accepted, and I'll post a link once they've been published. I'm building up a wider readership now, and I hope eventually will have written enough in the voluntary sector for a professional outfit to pick me up. So would the bank account. I've worked in all sorts of places already, and having been unable to for a few years through no fault of my own, would now prefer a job where I could work from home and send things in as I did them. Plus the odd TV and radio appearance which I would welcome- should the nerves allow...

My final point today is regarding miracles, the sort where the most unexpected but possible event actually happens. Technically not a miracle, as they're 'supposed' to be impossible by normal means, but I can't think of another word.
Every attempt I make on the pleasure side (business is a lot easier to control) tends to be of the unlikely sort, where I am (apparently) aiming too high and expecting too much, and appear doomed to inevitable failure almost every time.
OK, to start with, the women I ask do not know how much I like them, but for some reason the ones that turn out to be not such a catch are the ones who like me, and hardly ever the others. Now to me, that's not even aiming too high, though asking a 28 year old probably is. But either way I can seem to guess that once that switch in me has 'clicked on' that they're my type, theirs will then do the opposite. So the first part of my miracle is for once that will not happen the next time.
But generally any decision other people in my life make that'll either help or spoil my life by default will go against me. These include political decisions, like the London congestion charge arrival, increase and extension. For someone terrified of Central London already (long story), stopping people driving in for most of the week is one way to stop me going there almost ever again as without the car I'm not likely to go there otherwise (not that I often wanted to).
I don't know whether all potential life-improving projects are long shots, but the miracle I'm after is, can some of the starts I've made recently on the pleasure side actually end in success this time instead of melting into nothing as time passes.

Currently this is mainly woman related, but can extend to friends, local political decisions like allowing Barnet FC to have a legally acceptable ground, petrol prices ever going down again, houses being built that don't look 100 years old, results from my meditation, health, not ever being able to get broadband despite living in one of the biggest cities in the world, almost never being chased by a woman (as opposed to failed attempts by me), people replying more to my letters & emails, people I know dropping hints about possible plans for me and then doing nothing (eg one woman's been saying she wants to take me out for 10 years now but only calls when she has legal problems, which is fairly typical), and I can go on. Of course I sometimes come across a person from the past and we both say we'll meet up and never do, but that's not really what I mean.

So instead of the odds being stacked against me, I'd like even one of my little projects not to go the bleedin' obvious way they nearly always do (ie nowhere) this week, but get an unexpected but possible good result. When I was 12, the girl I met on holiday blew me out on the last day, and I was round at my friend's house moaning about her all day when I got a message from home she'd just called. That was the first and best example of what I mean, and I really hope it happens more often than every 30 or more years. If I was in charge, I'd switch the odds on everyone's chances to about 60% in favour, and wars and breakdowns would probably reduce accordingly. I never ask for something I can't get, or something for no effort, these are all reasonable attempts and ones I know many others have succeeded at so not impossibly ambitious.

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