Friday, August 05, 2005

My therapy

Well, it's time for my therapy session again, ie writing this. The cat's seen it and heard it all but can only comment in limited ways, but few humans hear my story except online at the moment.

After my earlier illness (don't ask) I'm gradually getting stronger but it's left me tired. I had my first busy day today and survived very well, though I was worn out for a while when I got home after a few hour's activities. Otherwise I'm waiting on various projects, but as each day passes the chance of hearing from some disappears if I hear nothing. So while Kingsbury sleeps, I dream. That is to say, for the first time in a few years my interesting dreams have come back at last. I used to have the odd really amazing dream, which did increase in frequency when I started meditating. Probably due to stress they turned relatively nasty, but I'm now meeting the sort of nice people in them I used to and having some amazing experiences again. Though the people clearly are dream people it does make me feel good anyway, and shows me what could be happening in real life if it did. Also some of the places and objects I see there inspire me to decorate rooms, look for or even design certain items of furniture and also create a few of the amazing buildings I've come across.

To continue the dream material, Nick Roach confirmed for me that reality is my dream. Not yours or anyone else's, but if you realise you're dreaming when you are, everyone else is clearly part of your consciousness. The same goes for here. He lives that experience all the time, as do many others, and that means who am I speaking to at the moment? Only myself! OK, nothing new there, but it puts your whole life in a totally different angle if you realise everyone else is me. The good part is you'd only want to be nice to yourself as if you said or did anything nasty you'd only be doing it to yourself. So, if like your naughty children one misbehaves, you don't shoot it, as you love it, you train it. The same goes for any bad aspects in yourself. There's no gain in an internal civil war. As for the other people doing nasty things to me, I still wonder about anything physical but agree any words or actions are only images in my dream and no more.

But there's no need for the mind to accept it's a dream or try and focus on it. That'll come naturally if you just become focused in the present moment. Then you'll start waking up naturally. Some wake quickly, some gradually and most (so far) not at all. Many of them won't want to as they're happy with things as they are (all being characters in my dream anyway), but when each part gets tired of all the action (remembering a point I made myself which Nick wrote soon after I did!) that the material world is always balanced towards loss and failure as that creates more emotion. I'd had enough years ago, and wanted to somehow rise above it. I wrote a piece on non-dualism giving details of every main teaching I've had over the last 8 years which if not used will be put up here, and explained exactly why most of the teaching, however accurate, is formulated in ways that did no more than confuse me as it addressed my mind and not my heart. Enlightenment is rarely achieved through thinking as it's the mind that's the major barrier to it, so can't easily be used to remove itself. Guess who said that (without the extra bit I added from elsewhere)?

So I have an indefinite project in parallel with my life 'in the dream', to detach from it and finally live from where I truly am, and not from the extremely painful location of a human body. It's the best illusion so far, as the awareness of pain and damage when it happens is not like the pain usually felt in a dream, but as real as anything can be to the mind that experiences it. What happens to that pain on enlightenment I truly can't say, apparently it's still there, but as if it's somewhere else, from what I gather. But however it works, most say it's better awake than asleep, as the highs stay high but the lows seem not to matter. Everything's just the same but you're different basically. Or as Nick would remind me, I'm different, there is no you, ie non-dualism. QED


Anonymoushaha said...

Sad, so very sad.

David said...

I don't know which bit you are referring to, but I hope you don't ever find yourself in a similar situation to it and want any help.