Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Another day #2

As I'm here and free at a normal time rather than the usual 3am I thought I'd use the time to write here rather than when I am now intending to be in bed.

I have actually learnt a number of important things from my recent stress, and as long as my health, physical and mental, returns to at least close to how it can be I'll see them as useful lessons. But I still wonder whether people have to suffer forst before they'll learn. Like the plan has a big gap in it. If I survive the suffering it's something, but I still can't work out why it's there as a valid means to learn when in itself it can spoil much of the actual life that's learning from it. I remain in limbo on this one until I discover more. Nick Roach says the suffering is the 'old way' of gaining maximum emotional power, and I am certainly prepared to trade every emotion if that can go as well. But watching when you are suffering doesn't stop it usually, if it does it may take hours, though if the techniques work for people there's less to dissolve as you go along. Still strikes me as a strange system, suffering for experience. But as Harry Hill says, I don't make the rules...

At the moment I am fairly free, have plenty to do at my own pace (painting my front door, then all my window frames) as well as mounting my first two now complete pictures for displaying. I am literally so tired I can barely stand in a queue at the moment (always one of the most tiring things for me anyway), and as long as there's no nasty physical cause besides stress for the chronic tiredness I'll just have to regain my energy by conserving it, and if not, then have the usual tests, which I doubt will be necessary somehow. I've had it twice before and that's what it was then and it's pretty similar now with plenty of causes.

It's gone a bit quiet on the people front this week (after the last two very social ones) but there's not a lot I can do about it, people are busy and some live too far to come here very often and vice versa. Of course the inevitable lack of a girlfriend issue means this is always going to be similar, and that's been left to its own devices as whatever I do seems to make no difference.

And finally, Esther (who remembers that? I was meant to be on That's Life once but they never showed the bit they filmed when they came round), though the retarded style of comments are not included, I've hardly had any comments here for weeks. Certainly the profile searches have changed, putting up mainly members with no posts and missing out half the people who ought to be on it, so that doesn't help. I have had a couple of emails rather than comments, but some of the other blogs I read have been reaching double figures in some cases, though many have now shifted to mainly news related, which I 'don't do'. This is my diary, so my life. If an item in the news affects me, as some of the worst do ($80 oil, coming shortly, for instance) I'll tie it in that way, but our own lives and those around us are far more interesting than the repetitive, cynical and depressing cack that is forced on us all day every day by the media who would rather make money than actually tell the truth most of the time. Anyone involved with a newspaper story will tell you how little is actually accurate, they really don't care and just want something people will read.
My life is one view of the world out of billions, and I can't report anything excpet what's going on in it. If that's boring, then the whole concept of blogging has to be as well, as without making it all up I can only say what's actually happening, within limits I'd rather not have to use. So my last point is as long as it's not abusive, more comments are welcome, even if just to say hello. I haven't got a site meter here, so there's no guarantee anyone's even reading it (except to say thanks for my friends at JV who have been, and all help keep me sane).

A bit of everything

Nothing special today, except I've passed through a little gauntlet of chaos/demands, and maybe I'll have a break from it for a while now. I am at least learning how to manage my own reactions to it at last, which is quite a big deal, and have been forced to restrict my obligations to a level I can handle, 'or else', as my body's recently told me.

The second painting's now ready, and both should be on their way to the gallery as soon as they've been copied for my own collection. They can all be seen now in the pictures section at rather than post them here as well each time. So my unpaid and recreational occupations, as predicted in 2000, are finally beginning to be used properly, and proved my point that not working does not equal wasting time. Quite the opposite. If most people had a choice they'd drop out as well, and probably create the things they never got the chance to do when they were working. We can't help it, we're designed to learn and study and create, and though some will piss around or commit crimes when given total freedom, they would probably be doing that anyway one way or another. OK, we need people to do essential jobs, but many are not essential, eg advertising, marketing, doing ridiculous surveys, Elvis impersonators, headhunters (people look for their own work), cold callers (ditto with shopping), and many insurance staff (as if each company paid their own client's claims each would cancel the others out eventually). This method is already used in a few countries as it happens but never caught on worldwide. I could keep thinking of jobs that had only ever existed as people were forced to use their imaginations not to fill holes in the market, but create new and pointless areas in a desperate struggle to earn a living somehow.

Anyway, I can expand on that another time, it's an old grouse of mine and one I can argue from every angle as thank goodness enough individuals do exist who can work as long as slaves and seem to have no human qualities at all otherwise they couldn't carry on. Not the poor, but the rich, who want to be very rich by working 100 hours a week. Good luck to them, I can't imagine how they do it but I come across enough to know it must be a different species, as I probably am...

Otherwise little has happened of any note, I suspect one project is as the November the 5th rocket that sits in the bottle for a few minutes fizzing before it goes out and you realise it's a dud. My heart unfortunately is so far ahead of other's heads, let alone mine, my almost total lack of restrictions in affairs of the heart means I regularly come up against total negative reactions to my interest as what's suitable for me, as I said recently, is rarely felt to be suitable for them, as they see the restrictions and I see the possibilities. So the possibilities are always there, but those who only see the restrictions avoid thinking about them.
Whether this will continue till I'm as old as the recently late Scotty from Star Trek, (just discovered he was Canadian, for gawd's sake!) and literally go out with a bang. As Woody Allen would have said had I not got there first, I lost my virginity at 16, I got it back at 24... He'd probably have said he was the only boy at his school to suffer from penis envy, but thank goodness I never had to worry about that one!

So can I come to any sort of conclusion from today's mixed pile of confusion? I have just experienced another coincidence typical of the synchronicity I experience more and more. I have been writing a 30 question live trivia quiz for my weekly group, and while I was scrolling through the player's names, clicked on one and saw a quiz I liked, and at the end was my question. Both were four multiple choices, and she'd evne got two of the three same wrong choices as well. She'll probably take my quiz next week, and I wonder if she'll wonder whether it was her question, considering I've only taken 100 quizzes and the total choices are about 70,000 I could have taken.
OK, a conclusion, like many spiritual seekers, my greatest goal is to never feel I am alone. Technically it's called 'God-realisation', as anyone who has passed a certain level in meditation is aware of a greater presence, and having been gradually more alone in life until total, knowing somehow I was connected to something with an awareness, aware of what I was doing and me aware of its presence would make me feel a lot better in life. Synchronicity implies that power is guiding your day towards certain experiences and opportunities to learn and help others, and one day, when you've passed their test, they let you see them. But the test is unlikely to be what you think it is, as what they look for before you qualify for higher awareness is not something we can really guess at, as the qualities of those claiming it are a pretty varied bunch, some getting it with no effort at all, others simply through years of effort and little else. I, at least, have reached the second stage of seeking, where I have all my tools and teachers, and am just committed to use those tools in the hope they do what it says on the tin. Sometimes I am quickly made aware they are opening up an awareness of something better, which is really the third stage I suppose, but so rarely yet after a day or so I tend to doubt as I'm back to my normal crap consciousness. So I carry on and it's quite possible these moments will increase in frequency or intensity, and when you reach the pivot point, you then realise you're there and it is real.

Then you write the book!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Business and pleasure

As said already, business is picking up, though no projects are finished yet they are all started and ongoing. As a friend explained years ago when I said why I wasn't happy, she said I had what I needed but not what I wanted. Similar now. No, not just women, add to that friends (improving now), living alone, lack of progress on the supernatrual and enlightenment fronts, etc etc. I have just, after a couple of years of dead space, heard my first new investigation project on the supernatural front though, the Hutchison effect. Discovered by engineer John Hutchison, he claims to have repeated the Philadelphia experiment of using high powered radio waves to cause a rift in space-time, and this allowed poltergeist activity, levitation and matter to melt, as well as his two versions of the ark of the covenant (large and small) which also allowed aliens in from other dimensions.
This is clearly either the most important discovery ever or a total load of bollocks. The fact he did this experiment 8 years ago and claims even a school lab could do it implies the usual conclusion, but as I can't find the plans and pictures yet I can't see what the machinery even looks like, let alone how it's put together. I am now going to try and find out, keep watching.

On the women front, I did come to a realisation that despite being quite prepared to go into it fully myself each time, most of the women I've ever met (almost all in the last 10 years as ages progress) have had a fatal flaw which either stopped anything happening or finished things before they took off. I've probably had the lot as far as flaws go. These range from a homicidal mother (killed the relationship, probably thought about killing me), alcoholism, born again Christian, religious Jew (that is hardly a surprise but they won't stick my ways very long), one who was about to emigrate after our first date but didn't tell me, every mental illness from depression to manic-depression to obsessive-compulsive to a variety of schizophrenia, and others I may mention when it's safe to... I have my own skeleton as well, anxiety, but the minority of women I admitted it to didn't seem too bothered and didn't chuck me out as a result. Certainly none of these list put me off either as I said, but fully explained why things fizzled out as basically it was near as hell impossible for these women to maintain a relationship the way they were. Do nearly all people have these issues, or just the people I meet? I think I know the answer.
I do know there's a network of people I know (at least) locally who all met in mental hospitals, and believe me, there's a complete social circle there. One of the girlfriends who stitched me up the most was eventually tracked back to the 'committal connection' (as many had been as well), as my friend who I'd originally got out of hospital by saying he was OK (he was before) and then discovering he'd become schizophrenic suddenly (how it often appears unless there are earlier subtle clues) introduced me to her sister who was one of the strangest people I'd ever met. It took me ages to discover they'd met there, but it came as no surprise. Talk about blind date and big brother romances, I bet there have been quite a few marriages on the back of committal proceedings, talk about a silver lining!

I do NOT intend to take that route to romance, by the way, in case anyone was imagining me asking to be admitted and then spending the time checking out the talent. Almost an inviting idea, but I needn't go there to meet them, they find me anyway.

My latest photo

latest photo Posted by Picasa

Here I am by the computer.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Oil price #2

Another example of why governments are not our friends.

I suppose the relative price of oil had to go up worldwide as it inevitably starts to run out, with no alternative known to the public (but allegedly around for years in secret). But the eventual fate of 'rip-off Britain' now puts us (I think) at the top of the world with prices of around $7.60 a gallon, at the latest exchange rates. That's because in our complete isolation world markets have long got us used to paying around double world averages for clothes, cars, CDs and the like as (as I discovered in many years of retail) we are a tiny market and they are 'doing us a favour' selling here at all as they 'barely make a profit for all the extra effort involved' (quote, Nike rep, honestly!).

So knowing we are the joke market of the world, our totally corrupt 'left-wing' government whine about global warming and pollution, we have a public transport system the level of Romania (if we're lucky), with rail companies raising prices to stop motorists switching to the trains as there aren't enough of them! So as far as I know, after laughing at the French in 1982 (while feeling sorry for them as well) for having petrol maybe double our own price (my maths wasn't able to cope with the litres and the Franc conversions at once) we are now paying more than anyone on Earth simply because our government make us.

In 2000 the lorry drivers went on a blockade when petrol hit 80p a litre (whatever that is), now it's up to around 93p and all the transport industry apparently believes as oil prices have risen, [i]it's not Tony Blair's fault this time.[/i]

Hypnosis? Subliminal messages? Satanic help? I don't know, but apart from the fact our housing is also at a level with higher price to income ratio than even the last boom (just before prices dropped long-term for the first time in memory), British resources are now stretched to their ultimate capacity, and the British temperament (as opposed to our local neighbours, the French) is at such a comatose level they'll be queueing up at Downing street offering Blair their testicles next if he says it'll help the country. I never believed brainwashing was possible, but the 'dead cat' pose the British public are presenting in reply to an economic situation that may rival Germany before the last war makes me wonder how long this country will be driving cars at all.

High mortgage payments + high fuel prices + low interest rates (which balance the benefit to the borrowing poor with the loss of income of the investing rich)= a recipe for economic disaster.
Analysts are fairly unanimous the oil price will stabilise around this level for a good few years (by when we may have little oil left to price anyway). If I did my homework I could give the current projected reserves, but I do know it's not just refinery capacity, long term we need an alternative, as it is actually being used up probably within our lifetimes.

Transport is something the Soviet Union used as a wonderful weapon in keeping its citizens in line. China as well. Basically make it as hard as possible to move around the country as you can, make cars prohibitively expensive, make people apply for permits to travel (compare with London's congestion charge, a limitation in a more subtle form), and next, restrict foreign travel to a minimum in the same way (more likely to occur from rocketing air travel prices on the back of the oil price). Britain is leading the way in travel restrictions borrowed from the communist countries worldwide, and having travelled on a number of urban public transport systems abroad, I can say how incredibly easy it is for a country to run a cheap and efficient train system, quite the opposite from our worse-than third world and fifty times as expensive London Underground. The provincial services are far less frequent, just as expensive (I think we also got the highest price per mile in the world in a recent survey), but slightly more civilised (they have toilets and you can see land out of the windows rather than a tunnel). So though Blair and his lot want us off the roads, the alternative is enough to make anyone with a three figure IQ as neurotic as I am within a few weeks unless they spend the time pissed.
The oil price will creep into everyone's lives the same way sooner or later, but due to our higher taxes and diabolical public transport we're seeing the effects larger and sooner in Britain, and unless someone in the know kicks some serious butt, we're all going down the same toilet.

Yes, no or maybe?

More updates on my little system, the list I usually have running in the background of all possibilities to improve my life that are still alive.

Firstly- now I've just had both my articles accepted, and I now know they're going in a proper magazine. I don't know exactly when it's coming out as its the first edition, or whether I'll be in which of the first three as they're all being put together at once, but that was definitely worth the wait! The second painting should also be finished tomorrow and delivered a day or so later to await the opinion of the gallery. I see it as building up a growing level of creations that may eventually break into the mainstream media level and even start paying my bills (as I said, rather than moulder in a shop or grow whiskers in an office). That side of my career is very positive, and knowing I can create things not based directly on my actual courses studied, but taken up out of personal interest is very satisfying. My grandpa spent his whole life playing and writing for the guitar, having his last book accepted by the publisher the day before he died at 89, and more posthumously. That was his whole life, his major interest, and was one of the world's top players composers and teachers, totally untrained, but a natural and driven totally by his enthusiasm for the subject.

My enthusiasms are spread out, top being psychic research, simply because it offers to break the boundaries of our everyday life and give the chance that literally anything can happen. Comedy is number two, something I did all the time at school, performing for our assemblies and drama classes, then for cabarets at local dances and functions with my friend the DJ. As my ability to concentrate and study needed total application the comedy had to remain in the background once I started my degree, and was then both occupied working and studying part time for many years after, but unless I kept up the cabaret would be unable to do any TV work as I couldn't join the Equity union. All other creations follow, and these have only taken off in my 40s, since I lost my last job and followed the path told by the psychic John Starkey, who said 5 years ago I'd end up getting paid for my following interests. Technically it's still a potential from the paintings, but pretty likely now. So, basically, the business side is looking good, and far less real business as it's all stuff I do anyway as I like it.

On the 'no/maybe' side (not certain but almost put it in the bin), my typical 'long shot' (the one that cannot be told, please email for details in private), I suspect that's ready for the Jewish 'mourner's kaddish', as they say, that would confirm my fantasy has bit the dust and made me feel a right twat for even thinking it could happen. Never mind, that's the penalty for, as Basil Fawlty said, imagining I could actually experience some pleasure for a change. It may still happen but it's off my mind now. I did receive another compliment from someone I value a great deal. It was incongruous but still adds to the idea I may actually be what I need to to attract women who are not mad, bad, sad, or aliens (or all four).
I may one day post my other story here, as my bollocks may be valuable to me, but can't be removed literally by angry readers. My pride and self-respect may take a beating, but unlike losing your bollocks, they always grow back again.

Finally, I rarely comment on the news, but 'Pubic pants'? What the fucking hell has our society come to? I imagine Rebecca Loos, Abi Titmuss, Max Clifford and probably Jade Goody working for at least ten minutes in a meeting to conjure up possibly the lowest point in world culture we will ever experience. It can't get any worse than that. I haven't seen them yet, and will probably be as unimpressed with the actual goods than their description. Anyway, if a nice lady wanted to show her toonarmy or front bottom that much, why not just let it hang out altogether than fiddle about getting on an item of clothing that apparently does its best to do just that while masquerading as a pair of trousers. Will men be wearing them as well? I will just point out that men's appliances are designed independently from their height, so an average whanger on my 5'5'' frame will proportionally look bigger than on the average 5'9''. Not that I'm saying mine is the average size, but at my height, any displaying of my (potential) wedding tackle will put me at an advantage. I've waited long enough for my height to ever become an advantage, and if the ladies 'pussy pants' (just a guess what many others will probably rename them once tomorrow's papers come out) cross the divide (not literally...) to the men, I reckon I'll be the oldest swinger in town (before I get arrested...).

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Yes, blogging isn't the free-for-all it could be when you open your first posting screen and feel you can fill the space with anything and share with the world. But then you get comebacks.

The obvious point is, besides rattling the cages of those who belong in them, people you know hopefully read it as well, and you're writing in many cases about those very people. So what do you do? I can't imagine warning everyone involved each time I'm going to refer to them, plus I also literally have to avoid some topics I'd love to share as it's stuff that may well bugger up the very issues I want to share.
So of course there are one or two hot (as in potentially interesting for readers, not actually occuring in my life, god forbid...) issues going on at the moment, and my innate desire to share stories is being crushed cruelly by larger circumstances that activate my discretion.

Otherwise business is going well now, two articles I sent off have just been accepted, and I'll post a link once they've been published. I'm building up a wider readership now, and I hope eventually will have written enough in the voluntary sector for a professional outfit to pick me up. So would the bank account. I've worked in all sorts of places already, and having been unable to for a few years through no fault of my own, would now prefer a job where I could work from home and send things in as I did them. Plus the odd TV and radio appearance which I would welcome- should the nerves allow...

My final point today is regarding miracles, the sort where the most unexpected but possible event actually happens. Technically not a miracle, as they're 'supposed' to be impossible by normal means, but I can't think of another word.
Every attempt I make on the pleasure side (business is a lot easier to control) tends to be of the unlikely sort, where I am (apparently) aiming too high and expecting too much, and appear doomed to inevitable failure almost every time.
OK, to start with, the women I ask do not know how much I like them, but for some reason the ones that turn out to be not such a catch are the ones who like me, and hardly ever the others. Now to me, that's not even aiming too high, though asking a 28 year old probably is. But either way I can seem to guess that once that switch in me has 'clicked on' that they're my type, theirs will then do the opposite. So the first part of my miracle is for once that will not happen the next time.
But generally any decision other people in my life make that'll either help or spoil my life by default will go against me. These include political decisions, like the London congestion charge arrival, increase and extension. For someone terrified of Central London already (long story), stopping people driving in for most of the week is one way to stop me going there almost ever again as without the car I'm not likely to go there otherwise (not that I often wanted to).
I don't know whether all potential life-improving projects are long shots, but the miracle I'm after is, can some of the starts I've made recently on the pleasure side actually end in success this time instead of melting into nothing as time passes.

Currently this is mainly woman related, but can extend to friends, local political decisions like allowing Barnet FC to have a legally acceptable ground, petrol prices ever going down again, houses being built that don't look 100 years old, results from my meditation, health, not ever being able to get broadband despite living in one of the biggest cities in the world, almost never being chased by a woman (as opposed to failed attempts by me), people replying more to my letters & emails, people I know dropping hints about possible plans for me and then doing nothing (eg one woman's been saying she wants to take me out for 10 years now but only calls when she has legal problems, which is fairly typical), and I can go on. Of course I sometimes come across a person from the past and we both say we'll meet up and never do, but that's not really what I mean.

So instead of the odds being stacked against me, I'd like even one of my little projects not to go the bleedin' obvious way they nearly always do (ie nowhere) this week, but get an unexpected but possible good result. When I was 12, the girl I met on holiday blew me out on the last day, and I was round at my friend's house moaning about her all day when I got a message from home she'd just called. That was the first and best example of what I mean, and I really hope it happens more often than every 30 or more years. If I was in charge, I'd switch the odds on everyone's chances to about 60% in favour, and wars and breakdowns would probably reduce accordingly. I never ask for something I can't get, or something for no effort, these are all reasonable attempts and ones I know many others have succeeded at so not impossibly ambitious.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Tommy Boyd

The title is in honour of the latest radio presenter who has kindly allowed me to mention this site, this time on BBC Southern Counties Radio. Tommy, if you're reading this, please say hello!
As well as that, Tommy is one of the only truly intelligent people I've ever come across. Many people are bright and on the ball, but few can see past every illusion the world puts up, and understand most concepts if explained to them. Nick Roach, my spiritual teacher, and Prem Rawat, my meditation teacher, as well as Peter, my ex-biology teacher were three others with this quality, so from four people, three are teaching and one is discussing a wide range of subjects with callers on the radio. No Tommy, I'm not BS'ing, I wanted to work out who I could think of with this quality some time ago, and you said it yourself yesterday, you're a highly intelligent guy and I can spot it as well.

Back to Kingsbury, last week was such an improvement over the rest of the year, I saw more friends in a few days than I'd probably done since my little new year's get together, as well as all the usual duties and business. I also broke my weights record today, after trying a 50kg barbell and finding it fairly easy, tried 60, and managed three lifts. A year ago I couldn't even move it! I can't lose weight for the life of me without almost starving, my chest measurement has stubbornly remained the same for about 7 years, but my arms and shoulder area are bigger- after nearly 3 years at the gym I'd be pretty fed up if they weren't.

I am learning- there's no point ever looking ahead in life. You either can't see the good things or worry about the bad things that also may not be bad, so basically there's no point in looking ahead as we can't be there or experience it till it happens. It's a well-installed habit, and needs to be well put behind me as it's really not just a waste of time, but totally destructive. I'm still learning lots of things, from being forced to by circumstances. Without any details, I also now realise never to compare what I can do with what others can't. Another bad move. We're all made differently, and I now accept what we can do today there's no guarantee we can do tomorrow, so not to compare what I can do with others as it can change from moment to moment potentially, and not really within our control.
Sylvia Browne, the medium, explains every situation in our life has been chosen for growth and experience, and another member of our forum confirms this as it all actually happened to her in a near death experience.

So all my problems, disasters and other major and minor events are supposed to be for a good reason, and some of the points here I've realised recently do show that sometimes life can only force these lessons out of you if there's no other way for you to get it. Counselling allows this process to happen directly, but for me there's nothing specific I'd go to counselling for, I only find out there's a problem once I'm in the middle of it and have to drag myself through it on the spot. Also, like a doctor, I think if there was anything in my life that would respond to counselling I'd have picked it up and done something about it. Unfortunately this amounted to a course of tablets for my anxiety, as no other treatment had worked, and it is as simple as a machine being tuned to the wrong frequency and being reset with the tablets.

So, that was the last week, nothing known ahead, which is probably a good thing, a few hopes but no point elaborating as the times things have turned out based on any previous hopes can be counted on one hand. But not impossible.

Friday, August 19, 2005


I just got a call from my grandma telling me what I was really thinking myself. Because of my doubts this woman was a crook, she had another look, and guess what, the missing watch had fallen fallen down in some of the stuff the person had moved while nosying around.
Sometimes inconsistencies are too much to be real, and the unlikely scenario of a born-again Christian missionary stealing from someone she's working for, rather than the person mislaying the article wasn't one that looked right to me. And I'm glad to say I was proved right on this one.

OK, it's not 'Neighbours', but real life is really far more interesting than soaps if you take out all the boring bits in between the events.


Three themes today:

Waiting, painting and pinching. Let me elaborate.

Waiting, for an income and for news of my ultimate appearance on TV.
Painting, the door and windows of my house, and my second picture for the gallery.
Pinching- this is a good one- The Jesus freak I wrote about recently was staying at my grandma's after she left hospital as a carer. Though I can't quite believe it my grandma's watch went missing this week and only the carer had access to it in the time it disappeared. Can someone be 'born again' and still ignore 'Thou shalt not steal'? A bit of a mystery to me.

I also had another friend round I hadn't seen for 2 years since his marriage broke up, and finally I am replacing my social life after Peter left for America so many years ago now. Instead of seeing the same few people all the time, this time each person I hadn't seen for a year or two came round one by one, so at least things are picking up there at last.

As it's only a day since my last entry little else is that interesting to report, I spent most of the day with my grandma after delivering some shopping I did for her, though she is planning to drive as soon as she has the tube removed from her kidney area next week. She was actually wishing I'd come over as she had nothing to do, and a little later I opened the front door. I was also rewarded by her new Slovakian claeaner, Ivana #2 (Ivana #1 recommended her after taking an office job). She proceeded to strip off half her clothes on entering the house, and carried out her duties in a pair of shorts and t-shirt. I was impressed! No, I won't be going after her, she probably has a chain-smoking biker called Vladimir at home who would feed me to the wolves if I even asked her where she lived. But anyone can be appreciated from a distance, and if only real life was like the porn movies (what, he watches porn!?) she'd have deliberately dropped something near me and climbed over me to pick it up. But if it happened in real life, we wouldn't have to have people doing it in movies, would we... Well, it's late and that was the nicest image I had all day, I may as well milk it for all it's worth...

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Taking it easy

Following my little health scare, I've limited what I do to the bare minimum for the forseeable future, I am still called onto do the odd job which will probably be unavoidable, but I suppose the minimum that's actually practical. And unlike before, I am telling people, as I have little choice if that's how I have to operate, and they are so far very understanding.

What I can do though is house related work. I've started the doors and windows which the builder saved for me to do to save some money. The windowledges are now a very nice shade of pale blue, soon to be followed by the doorframe area, though the door itself being wood has to have a different paint which will be unlikely to match exactly. I can also keep playing sport/gym work, as it seems to actually help, I'm used to it and can always stop if it's too much. But waiting even 5 minutes in a queue at the moment takes it out of me more than an hour of tennis. I've just shown it's not physical exercise that makes me tired, but stress.

I've just started my second of three pictures to go to the gallery, and even though some of the features are up to an inch away from their actual positions it looks good and I'm not moving them for the sake of photographic accuracy. I hope it'll be finished this time tomorrow. Meanwhile I've managed to have a run of friends visiting. Maybe it's because I can do fuck all else they've decided to come to me, some were just passing by but the amount of take-away food deliveries arriving is increasing three-fold, I just had an extremely good pepperoni tomato and onion stuffed crust pizza after a Chinese last week and Indian the week before. I appear to be drifting to the 'I had a bowl of soup and a slice of bread at ten-past one, just before the phone went and then I went to the toilet and used four pieces of paper' type story my grandma is well-known for, but as I eat those pizzas regularly this one just happened to be a cut above the usual high standard. I apologise for my autistic attention to detail and will try not to let it happen again.

Today's visit was from an old friend of the family, one who lived two doors away from us until the year before I was born, and I now live two roads away from where we both live. He remembered a lot from then, though he left at 3, as I do who left at 5. He hadn't been here before and we traced a path around all our old haunts, including meeting the woman who now lives where I used to. Very nostalgic. Tomorrow's plans, as I said, are painting both inside and outside, and another friend I've known all my life coming in the evening who I haven't seen for a couple of years since his marriage broke up.

The recent illness has forced me to reassess how I both spend my time and make arrangements with other people. I have no choice now but to put my foot down, as I physically can't do very much and interestingly both my friend today and I had spent a lot of time over the last few years looking after another family member, and both agreed it was far better to not be working and so be available for them at any time instead. If I'd been working two people in my family would have missed a good number of shopping and hospital trips as well as gardening and other work. If I had a choice of working and someone in the family having to call in strangers to help them (which they would have) I'd rather be there for them, why work for a stranger for money when you can do something for people who looked after you for years in earlier times? There are no other people in my generation, I was the only grandchild of both sets of grandparents, so there is no one else available if I'd been working as I used to. It's not an excuse, and my friend had to stop working as his mother was so ill, and money can come from many other sources than a regular job.

In the time I haven't had a job, besides bits and pieces I did in my chosen profession, I spent a year taking the home courses that allowed me to become a professional counsellor and psychotherapist, and took two terms of weekly shamanic practice courses at college, only stopped as the time changed to an odd one which apparently no one else could manage either so it was cancelled. Of course I painted a few watercolours which are now all neatly arranged on my general site , and of course spent many happy hours with my girlfriend who was also not working, during our better times. I'd rather have done that than had the money any time! I have also been able to write articles fluently, which in my case means starting one and only finishing when it's done at maybe 4 or even 5am. But it keeps the flow going, I email the results and have had every one accepted as it was written.

But the original and commonly held view work=stress is proved wrong. I had a job for 5 years with annoyance at times, but little stress. If I had a similar job, I wouldn't have stress from that either. Stress is everything else that happens at random to us all from time to time, and if it comes in bunches as it has to me, is too much and pushes us over the edge physically and mentally. Family illness, major house, tooth and car repairs, and financial disaster all within a few months make no difference whether or not I had also been working. In fact a cushy job would have kept me out of the way some of the time and also solved my money worries providing a regular, though minimal income. So, I have reinvented my priorities, and been forced to change the way I do things purely to survive. Adding to that a positive attitude which I've proved to work, that is whatever my body does to rebel, I'll do whatever else it lets me do has let me focus on the 'can do's' rather than the opposite, which makes a lot of practical difference when you can't do very much. So besides avoiding longer trips in time or distance, I've done most of my usual things and got just as much done as I did before, thank goodness, due to my attitude. I am learning, it's never too late and critics of my negativity in the past here will see I haven't been floored by the latest run of shite, far from it.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Catching up

Not in the good sense, but as in stress catching up. My body has finally decided to shut down in protest. No, not totally (I'm here, aren't I?), but in a way it did on two other occasions in the past 20 years when I was seriously overdoing it. Unfortunately at 45 it takes a lot less for me to react this way as it did at 25, when the combination of a new teaching job, rewriting notes I left at college the previous year by accident, and spending two evenings a week doing a master's degree made me almost collapse two weekends running. As I already had a reasonable teaching job I decided to earn my money and let the master's go, as I would have had two more years with no income had I stayed on, which was too much of a luxury. I swapped it for a three year counselling course which only took up one morning a week and no effort at all except the long journey.

This time all the dentist and following hospital visits, combined with the constant letter writing and form-filling to try and get my income reinstated (don't ask!) and worry about having no income with a flurry of massive bills eventually took its toll and allowed the germs in and the energy out until I found it very hard to do anything. I'm going to have to cut down massively and have little choice in letting down all sorts of people for a while if they want me to do anything beyond my current limits.

Meanwhile life goes on, and I do what I can, as I still seem to pick up later in the afternoons. I've played a mean set of tennis (lost, but to a far better opponent and was up 4-3), am about to start two more paintings for the gallery, and have seen my house transformed to the 21st century, with all the whitewashing being done next (it's a white house of course...). I also extended my weightlifting record today, not by weight but repeats at my top level. Though it's almost 3 times the weight I started with one of the younger and newer members just walked in and lifted the one up from mine, so though I am impressed it's only a relative landmark and nothing impressive in gym terms... (50kg overhead lifts if anyone knows the system).
I have no idea (as always) what crap may be ahead. The trouble is it's not evenly or logically distributed, and just because there's none expected and I've dealt with most of the previous mountain doesn't stop any new surprises coming.
Of course, though great minds agree the bias in life is towards failure and loss, it could be different, and money may miraculously appear to fill the space and other people may fill the space in my life where presently they are also missing. I'm learning a new technique to improve my life at the moment as well (not the first but the best looking from a logic point of view). It's not a secret one (for a change) so if it works I'll mention it more, otherwise this is all I'll add!

I did go briefly to this year's Big Brother final's party (outside) as I did the last two, after an hour held up in road works, but the buggers had covered the window so it was impossible to see anything. There were still a few groupies outside who appeared to be watching the studio car park like a small flock of sheep. I have no idea why, all the housemates got into vans with darkened windows in the rear car park previously and were impossible to see once the cars left the building. But anyhow we didn't care as we saw them all partying, plus they came out to talk to us last year. Meeting Harry Hill was more the next step on the ladder for me after fulfilling my top celeb ambition, and though I did dream I met Craig and Anthony on the final and following nights, it wasn't possible in reality this time round.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Why are people atheists?

I was just asked this on Funtrivia, and thought I'd put my answer here. Makes sense to me anyway!

I'd ask the opposite question. Surely a child brought into a religion free environment would be unlikely to think of God exisiting, but would question nature and life, and either find scientific answers or none. Then they'd think, OK, there are many things in the world no one understands. One possible route would be to imagine a higher power could have created everything, which would be God, but only, what law would call, by using circumstantial evidence. IE 'I can't make living creatures with complex organs, rocks or gases, so maybe someone else can'.

The second level is one many people report here and elsewhere of 'Feeling God', which is a direct experience which leaves the person no longer doubting the existence of God, bit still unable to prove it to others. Like UFO sightings, once you've witnessed something you no longer wonder, you know.

But as the present nature of God is intangible, except to the very rare few who have touched God, I'd say atheism would be a natural reaction to life without outside religious teaching.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

More chaos

Blimey- the dust has settled a bit this evening but it's been a week from hell but somehow I still more or less OK. That in itself is fair compensation as it somehow means I am starting to handle stress better than I did, and that’s a first for some time. I crashed my car badly last week on a parking bollard a few inches from it and when I returned home the gutter had fallen down. I now discovered, not surprisingly, all 100 feet of it after about 70 years has all rotted and it, costing me more than my car did to repair and my neighbour who saw roughly when it fell down pointed out if I'd been at the front door it would probably have killed me so at least that’s impossible now it's all been taken away.

Otherwise little has really happened. I’ve nearly finished my first picture for the gallery , heard nothing about the two articles I sent off to the new magazine, got a bunch of bills and a few comments on my blog that were made privately. That is a way it can be done, but comments on this may as well be shared as other people may have an opinion as well. I have made another bundle of email friends on Funtrivia, it proves there are my sort of people out there and not so rare either, but just avoiding most of this country. I will add Eugene from Big Brother, who just may have ruined his chances of winning by accepting £50,000, at the expense of any actual winner. I was amazed he had the balls actually I still want him to win but am worried this would have alienated many of his fans who like his ‘nice guy’ image. Well at least even the nice guys can have hidden depths, and that’s one up for the geeks. Both him and Jon Tickle from BB4 are my kind of people, partly because I recognize many of my own qualities in them, love them or hate them. If Eugene writes a blog on leaving the house that’ll be one person who rambles more than me. Unlike him I always have one eye on my audience and am prepared to shift tack if their eyes are glazing over. But his idea of having a quiz programme for anoraks with himself and Derek hosting and a couple of other like minded individuals. Who on earth would make such a perfect team one which could become equated with The Beatles. Could it include also Jon Tickle and myself? That would be the ultimate in human trivia machines. It would be the most awesome team since me and a few friends used to tackle the pub trivia machines in the 80s though in the end I did best just with my father and won about a jackpot.

But of course most of these traits run in the family and both my parents consistently scored higher in general knowledge in Mastermind than the contestants. The major difference is they were both natural academics especially my father, while I struggled with any subject I didn't find came easily. This led to my career fizzling out before discovering a chartered profession I actually stand a chance of passing. Instead I went for money and prestige and as a result aimed far too high, and a few years later settled into counselling which I enjoy the most and makes the least money for the footsoldiers. Unless they required maths at O level, I could have spent another year studying to be a social worker or librarian at my original polytechnic would have set me up for life in a reasonable job that would pay my bills and allow me to do other things if I could. I went for accountancy failed followed by law refused at last fence by choice and then took a total of 15 years to complete my counselling studies as that's the system. I didn't piss around. I only saying this as I find myself at a total crossroads in my career, as all the things I started doing have stopped earning and as the psychic told me in 2000 my hobbies are eventually becoming my profession. As long as I can pay the bills I'm fine regardless as long as I'm not suffering to do so. But I'm not any more. If I had a wife and kids they'd be suing me for misrepresentation as a bread winner. I just see it as an unavoidable experience not the end of the world but when I get a bill for a large proportion of my total money it reminds me with a big kick in the arse.

I am actually trying to maintain a theme in my posts now once I get going on one this is a total work in progress and it's interesting how a select few take the odd remark I make so deadly seriously when little I ever say is deadly serious. If I wanted to depress myself and everyone else I could write a deadly serious piece but I only take survival issues seriously and that's pretty average. I will admit and it is an official technique if used carefully. I often see funny sides to some of my client's problems and mentioned elsewhere yesterday if anyone can see a funny side to any shit I may be in it can often be the best form of therapy. Imagine some person sitting at home or at work being harrassed by a parent or workmate or arguing with their partner over who doing the housework. Bugger me-unless we became hermits these situations happen to everyone, but some take them too darn seriously and as a contrast, I have to laugh inwardly sometimes at them. I freely admit that on paper if there was a contest I’d probably have far more problems than most of my clients. But I can help theirs, and my problems have no role when I’m working. But if I could swap places with half of them with their families, wives, good jobs children etc etc I would, but the difference is I will appreciate these if they happen having been partially removed from them for some time, they tend to expect more, and take the assets they do have for granted. I’m not criticizing anyone, as I used to take the same things for granted myself until I lost them, and would never again as I know what they mean to me now. But the message is to make the most of the people and jobs you do have as they aren’t a given and many people don’t have one or both.

I’d take my friend Steve’s whingeing girlfriend like a shot if she’d have me, he doesn’t fancy her, she treats him like shit and they've been fighting for well over ten years. I'd give her a trial run to see if she could be played like a violin or buck like a bronco and make my final decision, thumbs up or down. She is an evil bitch granted, but a sexy one and could probably be good company if groomed into civilisation. He moans about her endlessly, but fought like a wounded bull to get her back the two times she chucked him. It was like losing his heroin supply. But he only reflects a lesser level in many other couples. They’d never split up, but revel in running the other down whenever they have the chance. If I wanted to run down anyone I wouldn’t be their friend or partner. You choose them so choose again if that's the case. So today's bottom line guys is look at the jewels in your own box for what they are and don't worry about other's. You may not have them for ever so recognize what they are and enjoy them while you can. I didn't, and am paying the price now and freely admit it. And as Maharaji said ‘try and learn from other people’s mistakes rather than your own it’s a lot less trouble. There endeth the lesson


Preview Posted by Picasa

This is the first picture I'll be submitting to the gallery for sale. All are situated on the North side of Hampstead Garden Suburb, where I used to live, as they currently only have pictures of the South side.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Career moves

The first thing to announce is it just shows the saying seems to be true, when you're looking in the other direction that's when something happens. I've been killing myself all year trying to get an article used for money, and painted a couple of pictures for pleasure. What's happened? They're using them in a gallery!

I am very relieved after 7 years of art classes till I was 18 all the practice since has paid off. The first painting for the gallery is under way and I'll do two or three to be hung and then wait and see if one is actually sold as well. The one bright spot in all my projects so far.
The TV production is due to finish at the end of August, with the showing around January, a total of 10 episodes sold to Europe (Discovery Channel), USA (Learning Channel) and Australia I think. The other two people in my bit are also getting excited now, and the subject (abductee) just got through his first spontaneous message while with his scientist friend who was able to interpret what it meant. He also gave more information I should hook up with the entity who abducted me, but I've never had a squeak on the message front, let alone the slightest memory. But being told of a couple of visits I took to Surrey, combined with the car I was in on one of them is beyond the normal speculative meanderings of someone just guessing. I will see if anything breaks through.

My grandma is finally at home after the successful removal of her kidney tumour and 10 weeks in hospital/nursing home for that, then the fall, and then the operation after the initial tests before the fall. She even hopes to drive again but has to have a little tube removed from her kidney first. It's such a relief everything has been fixed after she suffered one problem after another.

So I'll be occupied with painting for much of the next couple of weeks, and have to say like my counselling, nothing beats working from home, unless I was to be in a TV studio. Though it rarely happened I also liked working in offices as paperwork is very easy and absorbs my mind to the exclusion of time and place. The social life is usually good there as well, and I have spent 2 1/2 months in my only full-time office job, and made some good friends there, though they lived a long way off so never saw them after I left. All the other offices I worked in were once or twice a week for short periods, doing the usual accounts and filing I'm good at, and the nearest I got to pulling was the blonde Irish bird (I think it was Mary but I really can't remember) I took out to the park for lunch, and was going to ask out just before they said they didn't need me any more. And she seemed to like me.

So really my career peaked first when I started teaching after my degree, and then academically improved when I qualified as a counsellor and stopped teaching, only to find it impossible to get a job either in counselling or anything else besides a shop, where I drifted for another 5 years before being made redundant.
The next few years were spent studying advanced courses from home mainly in psychotherapy, and fully qualified in 2001. Job applications flooded out at the rate of one a month, until just over a year later I got my first interview as a therapist. Needless to say the following couple of years were spent engaged in my hobbies, besides the small private practice, and as I was told in a psychic reading 5 years ago, what I like doing would become my work. Then this year we had the UFO filming (no money, but priceless in career terms) and now the painting work.
So my apparent wandering off returned to a real point, that time spent apparently pissing around allowed me to hone my painting ability, and see more voluntary abductee clients so I was able to present material about it as Nick Pope does, who gets me most of the work in the first place. So I am now on the verge of two career moves upwards after years and years of building up to it, which were solely caused by being virtually unemployable. I have always been better at business than pleasure anyway, but the sort of results I'm aiming for come far more as grace than by any form of planning.

Friday, August 05, 2005

My therapy

Well, it's time for my therapy session again, ie writing this. The cat's seen it and heard it all but can only comment in limited ways, but few humans hear my story except online at the moment.

After my earlier illness (don't ask) I'm gradually getting stronger but it's left me tired. I had my first busy day today and survived very well, though I was worn out for a while when I got home after a few hour's activities. Otherwise I'm waiting on various projects, but as each day passes the chance of hearing from some disappears if I hear nothing. So while Kingsbury sleeps, I dream. That is to say, for the first time in a few years my interesting dreams have come back at last. I used to have the odd really amazing dream, which did increase in frequency when I started meditating. Probably due to stress they turned relatively nasty, but I'm now meeting the sort of nice people in them I used to and having some amazing experiences again. Though the people clearly are dream people it does make me feel good anyway, and shows me what could be happening in real life if it did. Also some of the places and objects I see there inspire me to decorate rooms, look for or even design certain items of furniture and also create a few of the amazing buildings I've come across.

To continue the dream material, Nick Roach confirmed for me that reality is my dream. Not yours or anyone else's, but if you realise you're dreaming when you are, everyone else is clearly part of your consciousness. The same goes for here. He lives that experience all the time, as do many others, and that means who am I speaking to at the moment? Only myself! OK, nothing new there, but it puts your whole life in a totally different angle if you realise everyone else is me. The good part is you'd only want to be nice to yourself as if you said or did anything nasty you'd only be doing it to yourself. So, if like your naughty children one misbehaves, you don't shoot it, as you love it, you train it. The same goes for any bad aspects in yourself. There's no gain in an internal civil war. As for the other people doing nasty things to me, I still wonder about anything physical but agree any words or actions are only images in my dream and no more.

But there's no need for the mind to accept it's a dream or try and focus on it. That'll come naturally if you just become focused in the present moment. Then you'll start waking up naturally. Some wake quickly, some gradually and most (so far) not at all. Many of them won't want to as they're happy with things as they are (all being characters in my dream anyway), but when each part gets tired of all the action (remembering a point I made myself which Nick wrote soon after I did!) that the material world is always balanced towards loss and failure as that creates more emotion. I'd had enough years ago, and wanted to somehow rise above it. I wrote a piece on non-dualism giving details of every main teaching I've had over the last 8 years which if not used will be put up here, and explained exactly why most of the teaching, however accurate, is formulated in ways that did no more than confuse me as it addressed my mind and not my heart. Enlightenment is rarely achieved through thinking as it's the mind that's the major barrier to it, so can't easily be used to remove itself. Guess who said that (without the extra bit I added from elsewhere)?

So I have an indefinite project in parallel with my life 'in the dream', to detach from it and finally live from where I truly am, and not from the extremely painful location of a human body. It's the best illusion so far, as the awareness of pain and damage when it happens is not like the pain usually felt in a dream, but as real as anything can be to the mind that experiences it. What happens to that pain on enlightenment I truly can't say, apparently it's still there, but as if it's somewhere else, from what I gather. But however it works, most say it's better awake than asleep, as the highs stay high but the lows seem not to matter. Everything's just the same but you're different basically. Or as Nick would remind me, I'm different, there is no you, ie non-dualism. QED

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

this and that (but not the other)

I feel I really shouldn't be here today, as I've also been a bit dicky the last few days so hiding away indoors much of the time. But blogging goes on regardless, and if you leave it too long it loses its power, so here goes...

I'll have to see the reality of life as the manure on my flowers and hope it can make something grow from what has actually been a chaotic series of events better left unsaid but I have survived nonetheless. I do have a massive scenario ahead of forms and meetings if I'm ever going to have any money coming in again, I've done it before and hoped that was it, but it's all happening over again. Anyone in Britain without a conventional income will know roughly what I mean...
The garden's good at least. After last week's final tidying I had tea there this afternoon with my Dad who dropped in, and it was as good as any outdoor cafe. I'd actually cleared an area behind the garage that was for vegetables once, put woodchips on the ground and a table and chairs in the middle, and pot plants round the edge. Apart from the weeds that grow anew every week it's a pretty good spot now.

My paintings are due to be inspected on Friday, and if they like them I'll have something else to do for a while and who knows, it may even earn me some money! I've heard nothing about my article yet, I know it needs checking as I quoted lots of people and I suppose they have to check I didn't get any of it backwards. I'm sending off a backup though now so there's a chance something can be used. Another little high spot was finding one of the bunch of people I emailed to visit here after a year on blogger had actually read it. It is, as I said to her, more experimental than anything else, I can write exactly what I like but am answerable to readers. I think I'll have to work out something really rude to write tomorrow just to put that one into practice... Yes, it's on the system!

The delays in life have been one of the most irritating features throughout everything. Even little things like mail order. I've regularly bought stuff online from abroad as it would be impossible (usually) to find over here. Last week I ordered two things from the States. One came in 2 days, the other was supposed to have been sent 2 weeks ago, I have no idea what's happened to it. But delays in bigger areas really wind me up, I can't help it. If I do something unless it slips through the system (very rarely) or it's something I really can't do I do it straight away if someone's waiting for it. Then I know it's dealt with and I can move on as well. And as many people I deal with do that as well, I start to expect it more now as I know it can be done.
But apart from those who never reply/pay/get into print etc., the others just seem to drift, apparently depending on the person's star sign (so I've read), where some people just do what they like and have no regard for other people's needs. Even when the delay is official, as with my TV schedule, the fact that like buying a house, you're not quite sure it will happen until you get the word, I'm still concerned until I hear it will actually be shown. Other delays are unfortunately still born projects. The Tatjana Blacher letter, after what must be 3 weeks remains unanswered. Unless it's either the wrong person I sent it to (very unlikely but possible) or he's on holiday (ditto) what would have been a major-league reunion has turned out to be a wet fart, so to speak. I know that should have been damp squib but wet farts are a lot funnier, unless it happens to you.

I did make one pretty basic observation in one of my religious discussions at Funtrivia, which is: As all religions have the single aim of becoming aware of the presence of God (check all the mystical branches if you don't believe me), if we simply practiced the best meditations and other methods devised by any religions, we'd use the actual tools directly independently of where they were coming from.

I do this already, and really there's no need for any religious rules. The ten commandments are the basis of most laws anyway, and this country split government from religion hundreds of years ago. Jews may follow Jewish law, but the majority is the ten commandments, and a rabbi wrote 'love thy neighbour as thyself, the rest is commentary'. Jesus didn't need to make an appearance. It covers everything and doesn't even need God to tell you how. Just think 'Would I like someone doing this to me?' and learn to put it into practice. So if people want a few laws to go with my new pure religion, that's the rule. Leave the rest to parliament, it's their job, or the people, if you believe in anarchism, same result. But religions are supposed to be the bridge between god and man, not infinite variations of ways to tell the masses how to live, and then kill people who do it a different way.