Freedom of speech

Not that it's a bad thing, I've done the same work routine every Tuesday for 3 now, though I think it spread to the next day as well last times, and may tomorrow though the actual accounts I was asked to prepare are for an accountant and not someone who failed their 1st year so I may have to give up that one.
I was meant to do some gardening tomorrow but the rain continues after a short gap yesterday and will stop gardening if it does, though I think most photos will be unaffected by it if I do that instead. I'll have to wait and see. But at least today was fairly productive and am a little more like a 'normal' person doing a little more work than none at all.

No TV on now and being too early for bed this seemed the best thing to do, and whether or not I have readers or any subject matter at all I still see what fills the page though now blogger have stopped the interest links besides my little list I really don't know how to find others any more. It also never saves my details so I have to sign in, as does Hotmail as well now. No idea why.

I still reckon I've lost track somewhere and am being gradually directed out of whatever shit I was put in, partly through courses and books as besides relying on elements of the supernatural/god the past seems to fit with what they say so if true would make sense of how everything got so totally out of control. I could also tidy my desk but at this time of night because I also start reading everything before throwing it out would keep me up all night. If it's pissing it down tomorrow then it's a good way to use the time. Of course had I been tidying someone else's desk (as I often used to) it would be called work and I'd be paid, but quite honestly I manage now as I am so sod the work either way. Not a big issue anymore. Happiness is all and if I am judged (including by myself) for not fitting society's standards it can fuck right off.

Meanwhile the news each day becomes more and more depressing or trivial and far better ignored altogether. It never used to be as bad, especially as the recent trend is to fill half a paper with gossip as people (not me) prefer it and there isn't enough real news to fill them. I see headline after headline I turn over as they are telling us that if we itch scratching might give relief, and did you know Suffolk has the most masturbators in the UK. Who gives a flying fuck? Surveys either telling us what we know or don't need to know are wasting money creating work for people who would really be better off unemployed than assaulting our minds churning out endless drivel. They should be judged for taking money for that rather than doing something useful or letting it go to someone who does. The saddest thing is if the masses felt the same way as me people would have to stop these studies (their word not mine) and if people then talk about it with others as if it's actually something interesting then David Icke's theories of mind control are highly understandable.

I think my blog and many more are a little antidote to all that as whatever I write is unpaid, unbribed and totally honest. No reason not to be. If it wouldn't get me into trouble we could all say a lot more but besides including and possibly identifying others people will always try and take advantage of certain information so I have learnt to be more careful than I used to be here.
So, from little verging on nothing I hope I may have both educated and discouraged a few people from wasting their thoughts and attention on the cack the papers present us with no different from the lowest type of women's magazines and literature for the retarded and possibly questioning the value of it. So next time some cretin at work enthusiastically tells you that more people in Aberdeen eat oranges than anywhere else in the UK and the most expensive condoms are in Cornwall you can tell them David tells you to fuck off. You know it makes sense.

Should I bother?

Back again. Great names of journalism and autobiography are probably great partially as they manage to write whatever else is happening. I must have had the most boring day in memory, rain assisted, and as it continues all I can do is try and write about it. I just checked my hits and I think even if a couple of people read (or look and run away) each day it's worth continuing, and my hits are about 10 a day, though one had 35, maybe I called the radio that day which of course would raise some interest. My other sites are picking up on balance, though my msn just lost its counter, which I was told about, and now instead of freezing at the last figure as it said it's invisible so I couldn't set the new one. And when I added it all it did was show a link to its own site and no bloody numbers. Why do we ever bother?

So next week, health and sanity permitting (not reliable at the moment) I'm starting the short process of marketing my photo albums. Being unemployed means you can make the best of your talents and then see if you can sell them. OK, I'm self-employed but the hours I work I may as well be unemployed. The couple of women still talking to me may be visiting as well, though one for business (she says) and the other unknown and untested as yet. I need a haircut as well but I'm not holding my breath. The question I sometimes ask is given the identical situations to me would anyone else react the same way or am I really too sensitive? Until I can find anyone with even similar conditions (there aren't that many) I wouldn't know, and the ones with my mental condition are not a good place to start either as they tend to come as a selection. I have no other issues thank god, sensitivity being the only one and in the days of the epic poets hardly a disadvantage, besides dying in your 30s which I at least avoided. Being born in the Victorian era or fighting on a war didn't help them either though.

This computer just did the equivalent of a geriatric wetting its pants by removing the last paragraph, maybe not such a bad thing on reflection, I was saying how real life appears to have stopped all but the few from blogging since the peak last year, and having 3 hits a day means people do read this, I just miss the 50s I was getting and the associated comments. But people become busy and I still return to the internet. I may still save the preferred entries to one place and see what I can do with it, at least it'll be another collection for me to offer the market in my media path. One thing about writing is however unpolished it may be you have an editor to fix it unlike any other performance so I do my part and they can choose to improve it. But how many people can have so much to say and not try and make some use of it? I think it would be a waste not to.

Competition

OK, I'm not really being fair and realistic comparing myself with someone over 20 years my junior, but my fellow blogger still seems to be living 3 lives at once and though I did a lot more at his age I've never come across anyone who does that much. But in competition at the ripe old age of 47 with no family or children to get me out and about, I am at the phase of looking for inner peace and happiness and unlike many people who endure the same cinemas and theatres all their lives (are there that many?) I overdid that and more or less wound down in my mid 20s.
Then at mid 30s, thanks to Barnet being promoted, I started going to football regularly which continued almost to 2005, though I reached a similar point after over 70 matches, about 60 within 8 years, that I'd become more interested in collecting new teams than watching matches. I want to see Arsenal reserves and Barnet again sooner or later but have had so many illnesses recently I need to be fully fit before I go. Around the same time I started spiritual lectures which also continued almost to the present day, mainly as I doubt there is anything new left to hear and prefer to practice what I learned in the last ones than keep adding and get confused.

So really I have been far from out of it, just felt like I was. Now I see a supermarket as a major ordeal, but apart from frozen meals the new grocers who sprung up near me (after losing my 24/7/365 Budgens I relied on for years) are the same prices so no need to care. My last year's activity has been digital photography, over 1100 pictures on flickr, many printed and well over 100 of the best in 2 hardback albums. Then I began my real ambition in 2005, being filmed for TV. I always wanted to be on the stage rather than in the audience, and apart from a week or so in an amateur production of Oliver in 1973 I have performed for small discos as the interval entertainment and sung at a comedy performance when the main act didn't turn up. Now I've been on TV around the world twice and will have an online performance (boo!) next month, the link I will add as soon as I get it, though sadly it will be subscription so don't bother.

So from going to watch other performers I also switched to meeting them or at least watching them informally. I have met and spoken to Harry Hill, Madge from Neighbours (Ann Charleston), four Big Brother housemates, Dave Bassett (football manager), as well as watching one of my top heroes Patrick Stewart rehearsing with Sheila from Brookside in the last few years. Behave our Barry!

So I think I have pretty well fulfilled and compensated for one phase ending and added some pretty useful activities instead and am now waiting for the next theme to take over especially as I'm running out of photos to take. But looking back on this entry I don't think I've been too slack the last few years however few places I actually seem to go to. Maybe that's just an illusion.

The big con

Back again already. Oddly this week has so far mirrored last week in that I worked the first two days and then took photos. Pissing with rain but besides lowering the light can still take photos, I just stayed in the car. But go into London and there's no space to pull over and I was forced to block traffic or take views with things in the way, but got just enough worth using. Then I'll be trying to sell the albums in a few places as could get quite a cottage industry if people like the idea. I also found a local doctor my mother knew who checked my ear and besides a pinhole in the eardrum which may have nothing to do with it gave me some jollop to put in which should clear it up once I collect it. But it wasn't serious so that's a relief.

Tomorrow is free and I intend to mop up some photographic loose ends and more phone calls, including some about the albums. One picture involves stopping in a road where I probably can't park and waiting patiently for a train to pass on the side I get a full shot. The line runs along a tiny stretch of residential road and I saw a train go past and should make a nice picture. Out of my lovely landscapes and cats, what has the most views? Top three, all London Underground signs. Amazing. And the most popular views aren't fields and trees but motorways. It just shows what we like personally bears no relation to what others do.

One little theme around me is that of teacher and educator. I've heard from various sources about my wisdom, though what to me seems like commonsense combined with experiences to apply it to few others appear to have the time, patience and ability to do it themselves. Fascinating. There are two ways to become a guru, the proper way is to be enlightened, but have to know how it happened or you have no path to offer. The second which happens on its own is where people see it in you whatever you can or can't do. This is some sort of spiritual source and as if we only channel it and use a part of ourselves which they pick up and all I can say is I hope whatever I know can help people as it hasn't got me out of any current situation of my own however well I now understand them. This is partly as I've discovered how little we can do about our surroundings, as if I've drawn a map and then said the only problem is we can't get anywhere in it. Like it's a place but not here. Or DNA, this is how it is, live with it.

One thing I can do is see through bullshit. Tony Blair and global warming. If the solar system is heating up we can't worry about it being man made, where man creates under 1% of all CO2 in the atmosphere. This is easily found and no one seems to react to it besides the few, and scientists who disagree lose their funding. If someone wants to rob you you wouldn't give them your money, but if they tell you a sob story maybe you will. Same as global warming. If someone's father needs an operation in a third world country they use this one to con westerners out of their money. Global warming is a variation of the theme, and if you're going to lie, make it a whopper. By the time the plebs realise it's all a crock of shit the taxes will be in place, and guess what, all parties will agree (deja vu with the common market, as I warned in 1975).

There is a difference between being a guru and being sensible, but you need one for the other. And you shouldn't really use it to fuel your ego as you'll lose the status if you do. It's not about status but destiny and if it goes to your head then you're not up to it. It's about the message not the messenger and if even one new person gets the point they don't need to remember who told them, though they can recommend others listen as well to hear it. One test is if you challenge someone's ideas and they can answer every challenge, meaning they have fully thought it through and know the facts behind the conclusion. To this end I keep a file of science on global warming, and rely on others who do the same for Israel which is blamed for the things in the world not caused by CO2 emissions. The fact Israel has never raised a hand in war against anyone since 1948 without being provoked is something ignored by the antisemitic media, and if Israel were left alone by the Arabs another single bullet would never be shot in the country or across the border. If Israel stopped defending iteslf it would be wiped out within days. That is a simple formula and one proved every time they return a little buffer zone to the original Arab owners and get shot as a result. And then as soon as they leave Lebanon the thick sods kick the shit out of eachother in Beirut High Road in full view of the cameras. They are stupid c**ts and in the nature of enough of them to murder their enemies that if you remove one (the jews in this case) they just replace them with another (Christians/other Muslims not of their group). Sad to say it's part of the culture and if Israel wasn't there (as the loony left wish to solve the whole world's ills) the Arabs would simply start on the next victim as it's what they do. Just watch the news when they rarely show them doing it against eachother instead of Israel or the west. They hardly seem to need a reason, they are posturing like New York and Harlesden yardies and it's just a macho total lack of social status overcompensative behaviour. That means we have stone age mentalities living alongside the 21st century and naturally they do not mix.

Apart from a few maniacs no jews when faced with injustice set fire to cars or bomb shopping centres. They complain and nothing happens. It's what we do. We talk a good job and do relatively little to change it physically. Just like the British except they really don't know how to complain. The French however put their balls where there mouth is and kick shit if petrol goes up 5 cents. They might be arrogant bastards but they won't lie down and be used as a doormat.

This is an antidote to political correctness. The British police were banned from reporting the huge proportion of violent crime was committed by black people (despite being the true findings) as (regardless of 99.9% of citizens working it out) as confirming the bitter facts would fuck up the whole lie they try to feed us about multiculturalism, unchecked immigration and all the other shit we are now suffering under what is more or less a totalitarian socialist regime (what else could charging people per mile to drive be?). He says it's to stop congestion rising 40% by 2020. The fact curbing immigration by 40% by 2020 will keep it at 0% is not mentioned, he'd rather flood the country and then price us off the roads, except many foreigners whose cars won't be registered here anyway...

Negative

I do my best but I suppose our lives tend to reflect the foundations of them, and when I return to base I'm alone and relatively friendless. So I slip into moaning about it and find I repeat the same faults in life as they happen. Sorry about that but at 47 can see little else ahead at the moment either.
So otherwise I have 2 from 4 brake blocks bought on Monday, as I had to check the size fit the back which they do, so now I need the others to be complete. I ended up working some of yesterday and most of today so again got the business done before the playing and aim to get to Swiss Cottage tomorrow. One TV programme on tonight which just finished and I am at a real loose end. I do intend to do some housework soon as that has hung around as long as I can remember, at least that always improves the place one way or another.

I could go on but not about life as I know it as I have nothing left to report, literally. So as many times in the past I have the empty box and will see what fills it. OK, the housework. I have lots of filing/reading/chucking out to do as the papers have piled up again, that's an easy one so will probably win the race. Phone calls are mainly business less one that will lead to an arrangement and currently haven't the time to make one yet. Well an hour later and I have, fascinating, someone with a heck of a lot of knowledge and similar interests to me. Beats the housework though some may now get done before I go to bed. I doubt the TV will offer much unless I watch some more of my (as in ones I made) old videos. I hate being forced to trawl the depths of my mind to keep myself occupied, you can't rely on the TV and internet the whole time and of course least of all other people. They say (in a recent magazine article) you can't be healed until you heal yourself. That would put a lot of doctors out of business. I think the nearest I'd get to self medication is picking my nose, and I don't intend making my own dental fillings in a hurry. This is within the esoteric and beyond the capabilities of all but the enlightened if genuine at all. But these statements fly around like bird shit and have to be analysed individually in case hold any truth, but so many people accept the words which are shouted the loudest, as the Nazis well understood.

So, let's see the next job or two I get done before lack of sleep does for me. But I managed all my work today which was all I needed. There is light as well as dark, but I can't use the light that's past to light the present. That would be a real magic trick...

Personal summary

Before I start why the hell have blogger stopped linking our profile interests? I only found the linked blogs (which 2 people have just pulled, thanks guys...) and now we have these fucking pointless keywords which only link to topics in our own blogs, and I write the same damn topics every time so are redundant anyway.

Otherwise little has happened, happening or changed. I'm here blogging now simply as there's nothing else to do, I did buy some more charcoal blocks for my incense and 2 from 4 brake blocks as they only had the long ones for the front wheel which so far won't come off anyway. This is what I'm driven to writing about. More bleeding accounts tomorrow (error and company checks, wow...) then a very rare free client who wormed his way into a free sample. Then once I'm free I expect to go to Swiss Cottage just to get 2 more station photos (again, look what banality I'm reduced to) and anything else I find along the route. I have found a number of nice roads in Temple Fortune now and decided it's better to move somewhere better than not at all even though it's not perfect. At least my plans are now fixed should the money arrive. Hillcrest Gardens is between other roads and I may never have even stopped to look until last week.

I was also given a lecture on how easy it is to go out and make new friends. At least it reminded me how few people qualify as friends for me and clearly not everyone has to have someone so exactly right. I've been around and the only people I meet who qualify are generally abroad on the internet nowadays. Hard luck for me as the others are my clients I'm not allowed to mix with socially. I knew from a few years old if someone was right as a friend and if not nothing could make it more than a casual rare visit. The others I could spend weeks with and it was a line which was very clearly drawn. My mum asked me and I think the last new proper friend I made was in 1981. Honestly! I did meet someone in 1994 or so as well but was more hard work so only made the margins. And these aren't women, just friends. I didn't need new ones as I kept the old ones. At least when the last one left the country in 2002 I met a girlfriend for a while who ended up incarcerated by the NHS soon after we met so that never reached its conclusion had her health been OK. Then I was on my own, literally.

Now I have my routine and see family instead of friends, who are all alone now like me. I go out, usually on my own (mind you during the day everyone else was working) and sadly hardly ever visit outside the family as nobody really asks me. I still believe things usually change naturally and I pick up friends by chance rather than effort. And I only need one at a time so not such a huge demand really. As I've said before my personal qualities tend to go to extremes, either very good or very poor. My social skills are apparently slightly better than a 7 year old, more like someone with mild autism who's been to classes. My understanding seems to outstretch most, no credit to me, and like in the gym physically I can either do a lot on some exercises or the minimum on others. Even my arms and legs can pull or push the maximum on a few machines and hardly anything on others depending which muscles are used. As someone said, we are all designed differently and this is my blueprint, what I am and not to be tinkered with by critics who want me to be either like them or not like them, depending if they see in me thier own faults or ones they despise. But I'll remind everyone now, my faults harm me and not others, so leave them be. The worst I'll do is not join in an arrangement from agoraphobia, my loss. But I help whenever and whoever I can and know my heart is in the right place

Besides that past Tuesday is currently clear. Swiss Cottage, then I'll have to wait and see. Last week collected a lot, work and then 3 lots of photos, plus at least a provisional decision on moving in the future. Little more past present or future, yet.

Chaos, continued

Chaos comes in all scales, big and small. And smaller within larger. Even the cack like missing a very rare and unrepeated TV programme after making reminders is included. Earache, anything. So that was today. Otherwise I also took my 53 year old brake blocks from my bike (I doubt they're as old as the whole thing really) to a shop which was closed for weeks after passing another closed on Fridays. The other place is impossible to park so I'll have to see, as I can't even get the front ones off to change them due to rust. More chaos within chaos. But knowing the number of stations near the first shop I went off and got 3 more, and then some amazing views of the brook which runs for miles behind the houses. My album will arrive in the enxt few days as well which will keep me busy if I can sell another one to the library.

I realised the formula currently for the whole of life is based on grace, or the total reliance on others to gain a particular aim, where that aspect of your life is like watching a TV programme helpless to move it in any direction besides the one it's going in. Magic here would be to find a way to influence it in ways currently unknown to science and the wise, and if there is such a way (mainly in books advertised for tens of pounds) I'd be amazed. The lost prayer method involves recalling a previous success, imagining the feeling of success and then thanking the world for providing it. The number of places I've seen it and if the case would be the biggest pile of fucking bollocks I've ever come across. There is however a scientific element here, ie telepathy (if you think telepathy isn't scientific then what about radios?). If you feel good people pick it up and change their behaviour towards you. People tend to react to you as you are and when you are different then they will be, even if subconscious. That's the only little element I've hit upon and may work via this formula, feel rich and people will give you money etc.

My imagination for tomorrow is a blank. I have a few things sitting around the house to do I've built up this week and may do 1 or 2. I have little reason to go out before the gym later, and the other bike place will probably be mobbed. I hope it's better than that. If there's a hidden formula I'll find since looking who can tell, but I do know it's one not shared in books or anywhere else. If there is one the tiny number of people who find it let others do the same, it's never been revealed throughout history. Probably because it doesn't exist. I see blogging decline as online photo albums increase. I can never become bored with other people's business, has everyone else?

Thursday's review

Honestly, until I started blogging I never swore in 'libel' (ie permanent form) and very rarely in slander (temporary). Yes, I'm legally trained. Now it's a dreadful habit but presume it somehow adds a dimension to my writing compared to the unrestricted use made by the chavs on Big Brother.
Anyway, I've been pretty busy this week, half planned and half forced. My ear is undergoing its second course of drops for the supposed infection and is a bloody nuisance. I have no idea how long these things take to clear up and the immune system seems pretty inadequate to cope with what are probably the commonest germs to enter the body.

Besides that I am waiting for my second photo album to arrive. Only one error this time, and egged on by a 15% discount for ordering that day had little time to piss around searching further. I copied a missing one from flickr which restricts the size, and I wanted this to be full page. Expecting it to be on the laptop, not accessible for a week, I gave up and printed it small, and then realised although it never made it to my computer it was still on the camera. So I could have done it full size but if that's the worst ricket I made I can live with it.
The Funtrivia challenge ended and I was up at 93/100, from over 42,000 players, though many didn't play enough quizzes to get very far. My total was 1770 when the scores were locked, compared to about 2400 for those who didn't miss any. I am pretty happy as it was the first time I played right through and my average was nearly 100 (a whole question from 15) higher than last go as well.

I've worked Tuesday, taken a record number of photos on Wednesday and some of trains today. Too late to squeeze the best into the new album but you have to order it eventually and I intend to make one every time I have enough to do so, around 60 of the best. Nothing specific for tomorrow besides still trying to get brake blocks for my 53 year old bike. If I go to Mill Hill I can take some more station photos after as there are three near there and I'm taking as many as I can for the group I'm in. I got Burnt Oak, Queensbury, North Ealing, Hanger Lane and Preston Road in the last week as well as a different entrance to Highgate. Next should be Mill Hill East, Finchley Central and West Finchley. Not that other people haven't already takne many of them but no two are the same. Considering on Monday I had not a clue what I'd do all week I've done pretty well, but of course can't guarantee a thing beyond now.

That is around it for now, I expect to finally do the housework once I run out of places to go, none is that demanding and will be good to get out of the way. And I no longer expect the news or the supernatural to suddenly improve my life any more. It just goes on and this really is all there is, take it or leave it. I doubt anyone's looked further and longer than me and I can only get on with it as it is as besides meditating there's no other way round it. If anyone every shows me an alternative I'll become enlightened on the spot. That little chance.

Take a trip, man.

Just how psychedelic and surreal can life get without the use of dangerous substances? Being towards the end of an analytical phase life can be great when it's ordinary, so long as we have a good family foundation and decent health. Take that away and the default is down, up is a peak and a bonus. You see life as everyday, ordinary and see the good stuff as in your past and only happening now to other people. And so ordinary you look and wish for the psychedelic elements that could mean there are routes outside the norm if you just look hard enough. www.realityshifters.com is another place you can hear such tales, and my coincidences are the nearest I get to reality shifts, and certainly far from exciting, just very strange.

The 60s of course were LSD driven. I managed to avoid it all my life despite a wish to visit such realms, but at least learnt meditation to try and do it safely, with variable results. Judging a tree by its fruit the art and music of the time tells me there is something more and a better source of everything than we have without it. Checkout the art of Peter Max and you'll see a design style (not that he was necessarily taking anything) typical of the era I remember so well, and when that is the second style you meet in life (after the tail end of the beat generation when I was a baby) you assume that's how things are, until something else takes over. Then by 1975 you realise the end of the hippy era is probably there and disco, John Travolta and The Jacksons are the present and future. Cack. From the sublime to the dreckisher (do a google). So now I trawl markets and the internet (too expensive) looking for remnants of my good times, as well as doing what I can to find elements in the present. Michael Caine and Peter Sellers films, all the old programmes on BBC and ITV freeview coming round yet again, and even seeing all the old photos of the time, whatever drove that revolution was real and should be able to be accessed at any time, although the world has done its best to close the door for many years.

So, that is one stream that drives my life, the search for more. For the real magic I've seen at times including in dreams. In music as well, having posted a link to the incredible Guadalajara music by Lionel Salzedo, which along with music from Joe and the Sheep Rustlers (anyone with flu in the 70s will have watched this as it was on for years), John Barry's Florida Fantasy, many old programme tunes and of course my other favourites, Salute To Thames and Moto Perpetuo, the two tunes that began every morning on Thames TV. Paint the whole world with a rainbow, 1972 onwards. How psychedelic is that? I have the pencil box right next to me, picked up recently in a market. Rainbow George Weiss, another advocate of the alternative way of life is another prophet of this route. Easy to google as well and a great guy, having spent some time in his company. Peter Cook, his next door neighbour I occasionally saw shambling around Hampstead, and Dudley Moore. Out of Town with Jack Hargreaves. How, the original series. London in the 60s, it showed me what it could be at its best and am still somehow searching for it all to come back somehow. I could be wasting my time or maybe if I look long enough a new door will open. There's nothing else to do.

Back again already

Hey, I've still got two readers! Even if I was the last person on earth I'd have to do this and just read it myself (OK, I do exactly the same thing on paper at home and no one else reads it) so I've proved my point. A week of intermittent activity and stagnation, the highlight possibly being BBC schools clock being discovered after nearly 40 years with one of my favourite tunes
http://625.uk.com/tv_logos/flash/bbc_schools_pie_chart_67.asp
who else remembers this? The whole of my past (best part) is coming back slowly by the internet, and as far as I could discover the tune is called Guadalajara by Leonard Salzedo. Not many people know that.

So, looking back on the week two lots of photos halted by snow and rain, grandma's 97th birthday dinner last night, then a friend turned up at almost midnight but I had no need to get up today. I found a model Renault Fregate at last, one of the few on my list which I just ordered, chose 151 more photos to print, dinner at a friend's new (a year ago) flat and that was about it. No more media projects on the go currently, I sent my CV to the Jewish Chronicle as they have a new people page and not many people speak to aliens. I hope that gives me the USP to catch their attention. Other than that my progress on the Funtrivia quiz is creeping ahead, and in maybe a week or two will get the last day and hopefully be in the 100 list that stays online as a record. And that is it, living in the moment as that's all there is.
I will stop before I stray into dangerous territory, ie boring myself. If what I say bores me it won't do much for anyone else. I am developing the patience of a saint, not by any credit but by unavoidable circumstances. I think that's really how it happens, just forced into it.

Snowbound

Today is free, all day. I was intending to go to grandma's later but there's 4 inches of snow on the roads and I'm going nowhere. I've been busy this week besides yesterday's missing appointment (nobody's fault) so today was a welcome break, though I haven't exactly exploited it, not that you really can under the circumstances. And someone read my blog! It still happens! More a random occurrence now than a daily routine but thank god I don't write to read again myself. So all I did today was burn all the latest photos to CD having ordered prints last night. There's sod all on TV so as I have to stay in I may watch old videos I took of local roads or tidy the house. Better than stress anyway.

At least a few things are as they should be for a change. I have an amazing new computer and mouse and the DVD burner and accounts are working again thanks only to my determination not to let them pack up. Or luck, either could be the case. And if someone I know ever reads this who has joined Funtrivia I said he'd like it, so that was a job well done. So now I have an evening to make the most of. There are some phone calls that must be made sooner or later, other than that it's pure chance. No one in the house to talk to forces me and anyone else into an inner world of solitary pursuits, like being in a cell within another universe, separate from the world with other people in it. There are secondhand clues like voices on the radio and words on the screen but no actual bodies. Sanity has to be more strongly tested alone than in any other circumstance, and besides pure stress and suffering I don't think it can really be shaken, just tested to its limits. Every thought is magnified and instead of passing stops and has a full inspection, especially the negative ones. Bad habits are set up but no more.

Let's see if the evening has a little more to offer than usual, it is possible.

Your inner child

OK, how deep do I have to dig to find it? Mine was revived by my friends' younger brothers who wanted me to keep them entertained with rude words. By the end of day one I was back laughing at them myself and that never left me after that.
The inner child can be accessed directly via the toilet. Not funny, you say? How hard do I have to work to get a squeak or titter from what made me laugh at primary school?
Wiping my nose on my sleeve? Dog's business? Horse apples? This was a competition we had when going to or from parties to see who could make me laugh first. And I was about 20 at the time. Sound and word, the rude word and the rude noise. Drop one, pass wind, blow off, all the same thing but so many ways to say it, depending if child, parent or rugby player. Have you done a windy? was the favourite in my household, and still one of my favourites. Made a smell is also a classic, polite but directly descriptive. All this flows like sewage from my fingertips.

Having just had another birthday the quantity and quality of poo-related cards shows my fascination must be universal. William Henry Smith's emporium has the best selection of faeces themed cards I've ever come across, and have been known to stand there reading the cards just for a laugh. One favourite is the fish with bubbles coming from it's arse and his wife saying 'come on, we all know it was you'. And though fish do fart I just read it's normally contained in bubbles in the poo so we rarely see it happen in tanks. I don't think I can think of anyone better than Ben Elton at his peak for turd and fart jokes, I used to memorise many routines to give myself a laugh at any time. 'The turd was so high there was snow on the top', for instance, relating to the inverse dog size-turd size equation, combined with the new shoes-poo homing device formula. Maths can be fun when the right examples are chosen.

Bogies, skid marks, wet farts, anal tags, nature made them and I remind people of them at every possible opportunity. You can't pretend they aren't there, under every expensive pair of underwear lie the same hidden treasure. Sooner or later. If the queen in her annual speech started talking about how embarrassed she was when she let one rip with Tony Blair, or how she's so lucky she didn't have piles like her late mother. And how she can't stop Andrew picking his nose at 47. He may have fought for his country but can't keep his finger out of his nostrils. And the news- can you picture Trevor MacDonald saying I'm finding it hard to concentrate, I've got a huge erection? Natasha Kaplinsky admitting to stress incontinence after a stray sneeze? Believe me, they all do it but do they share it with us? No, but they would be loved if they did. The weather- it may be cold out there but it's hot in my underpants.
This may be exclusively British and male humour, I'm not sure what they think about droppings and dung in Germany or Russia but being in touch with the whole world it is my duty to spread that theme as far and wide as possible. You know it makes wind. Case closed.

Big and small issues

I think the old cliche only the sane think they're going mad is true. Technically I may be one of the sanest people around, as whenever things go a bit wobbly I can see it happening as if happening to someone else, and tend to self correct as a result. I'm not insane, just sensitive and being allowed to spend my life alone every aspect is magnified many times so whatever stress is going on I see it hundreds of times larger. That could be sanity as people who travel to work in crowded public transport every day for years are apparently immune to the reality of their plight as I was once, as if protected by an invisible shield. Once that's gone you see it all in its full horror and react as a normal person would.

Anyway, things happening big and small since the last visit, my day to day planning is working so far, I went to Ealing today to combine my North Circular photo completion with some more stations. Another early start tomorrow (for me that is) though I can't force people to change their shifts to suit mine. Then a trip to Burnt Oak for the same reasons as today, not the typical area I take but I made a list of tube stations I hadn't taken and that is the closest and may have a rail view as well, though if anything else is worth taking there I'll be very surprised. I'm using my new red optical mouse now, these are the sort of little things that add an element to life, and someone I know finally joined Funtrivia over the weekend and as I expected is as hooked as I am. Only took me almost 7 years but then again not that many people I knew were online and had the time if they were, apparently.

The Funtrivia quiz league is messing with me at the moment as a few of us are competing for the top 100 in the final table, I reached 99 but keep being pushed back to 101 and can't relax on my laurels yet. Just about to do the next round and go to bed now, another little place to keep my interest going. I think (not that you can help it) the current theme for me is not to think too much. My mind tends to drift to the negative and create many scenarios that never happen except there but almost feel as if they are real. Real ones do as well but rarely as predicted. Leaves in the wind, apparently. And plenty of wind as well...

Bored as hell...

Today's theme is bored. Not just now but looking ahead. Probably an illusion and if I see it improve will show me it was. I hope it won't rub off to my reader and will be inspiration to my writing not a damper.
Only routine activities recently, nothing really happened besides just making a top 100 list in the soon to end funtrivia quiz. These are kept for posterity so hope to maintain it for the week or two before it ends. These are some of the top quizzers in the world so some achievement.
Meanwhile hoping for a few coming forks in the road it only takes one person or possibly event to improve my life, it certainly takes little enough to fuck it up, and having completed a 60 day self development course (only a short CD per day basically) I am now meditating again, the only thing within my power to help myself. I've been watching Maharaji video clips again and it looks even better than before. Not many teachers have the insight and material to offer he does and the thousands of people who have learnt his meditation have often had huge improvements in their lives. I certainly know what it can do even though it didn't happen as much as it could for me.

So, I am almost lost but not quite as I have a few tricks to keep me sane, mainly only planning a day ahead as I described. I will be going to take pictures of more paths in Highgate next, then picking the best of the lot for another album. Technically if you take your eyes off the news, like they have to in Big Brother, it's a lot easier to focus on real life. The news isn't our life and isn't relevant, trust me. Most would have no effect and we are only aware as the media selectively tell us what is happening. Iraq can look after itself and just as people abroad don't give a fuck about our problems why do we need to hear in incredible detail about theirs? It's all a device to take our attention away from real problems we don't need the TV to tell us are happening. So the news can silence itself, the day Wembley Stadium opens I'll see the parking restrictions so no need to be told, and people elsewhere don't need to know unless they're going to see something there. Real news is what changes our lives and there's little new in the world and what gets on the news isn't what affects us. Now they're talking about the Falklands. Obviously a quiet news day. 99% of Brits couldn't find them on a map and we really don't need to care about the place. If they worked to reduce the price of the ferry to the Isle of Wight I'd be interested but no, they spend it on a country almost as far as New Zealand.

Anyway, hopefully my words of wisdom can pull a few readers back down to earth, and remind you to focus on local reality not nonsense far away which is none of our concern. Well, the next lot of quizzes are ready to play so I'll put everyone out of their misery and piss off. Goodbye.

Back again

It's been the first week with no work I can remember for ages, not that I'm complaining. Financially I can take the odd quiet week, and I have a little routine now of planning the next day so I'm not left with a blank page at the time I struggle to fill with more than internet use. Three photo trips plus the one on Wednesday where the battery remained in its charger, but did get a few more bike miles out of it, and the hills are the same as a session in the gym. Other than them I have my little housework list, I have begun it but in a way the less I do it means the busier I am doing more interesting things. One visitor, and as far as I remember no shopping till later today when certain supplies need replenishing. I also completed a 3 month personal development course yesterday which gives some sense of achievement.

I just added a new blog to my links, check it out, it's a 'queer vegan socialist' (her desrciption) from Brooklyn, who, until discovering the queer element, had quite taken my attention. Not that that changes anything on my side of course. Anyway, I hope she's dropped in to have a look and if not a reminder will be sent. Politically I think anyone with such tendencies would beat me up after one meeting, but one friend who has such views (minus the diet) we agree to avoid the topic. I'm actually an anarchist hedonist, and few if any political parties agree with my views except the Buddhists. And only the laid back types. OK, I'm a hippy, and proud of it.

So little else ahead, the stupid bastards from Discovery channel have now failed to send me 2 videos, and the producer for the last programme ignored my last email simply asking for a schedule. It's meant to be released this month on the internet and if that's the only way anyone can see it besides Vodafone Live (I give it a year, anyone remember Hutchison Rabbit?) despite also being free to send me the video I suspect that won't occur either.
When and if I run out of local photos I wonder what the next occupation will be? Previously I spent many years travelling the country collecting train tickets, then model cars (very expensive), making local videos and then taking digital photos. There was always a new activity following the end of the last, and I'd also like sex to be involved in the next if possible.

Lyssa Royal Holt (of the eponymous website, 1000 dollar word dropped in there) has also passed over my email telling her a client of mine channels the same alien. Maybe she's jealous. Big fucking deal. If she doesn't want to be part of the larger project maybe her guide will leave her for better subjects. I certainly need a new input in my life, it is currently only as good as the present and previous day, with no hope for a thing ahead. Pure luck each time I have a good day or part of one. I have to tolerate every variation of stress and despite not having a job, which was assumed to be the greatest cause, there are as many others as stars in the sky, and my last job wasn't that bad most of the time and stopped people judging me as well. I don't care if people do anymore, but I'd feel a little more part of things if I had a job as well.
Well I didn't miss a trick today, the main job I needed to do was done and it has made me a little fitter as well. I am printing my photos as soon as I can get the last knockings of photos on the laptop, after emailing 3/4 of them here, and then selecting ones for album 2. Not a woman in sight though.