Well this is the post I was going to make before I was diverted. So I've used up my quota of rude words for 2008 and possibly the whole decade, but I'm not using the racist dreck you get on Youtube which really does deserve some sort of action.
Anyway, besides now being thoroughly confused having to juggle who knows how many anonymous posters and supposed to know who said what when I reply I don't know. As for commenting on my life I can only report it as it is and select the bits that aren't so dreadfully ordinary I'd be sounding like many people I do know. But 99% of life is little things and if we only report the big ones we'd be here about once a year if that. And the ones you read in the newspapers are so exaggerated as they know as well most of life is so ordinary.
I have cleared last week's caca out the way, and am now clear for another of freedom. I have to say criticising people's life tends to encourage more details as way of explanation, and I'll start by talking about foundations. These are the worst our daily life can get, the people and places around us that make the problems shared and weigh less. Being an only child there is no chance for any conversation growing up with anyone on my own level at home, and sharing the dire nonsense between my parents towards the end of their marriage. And after it which was even worse. And when you stop growing at 15 and see all your friends carry on for a few years and look down to hear what you're saying it doesn't help either. That's one reason I developed such a sharp tongue, but would not like to become physically threatened either. So the combination of a fragmented family and being the size of a girl was a start with a kill or cure path for many more years for my future. Like a boy named Sue really and look what happened to him.
The IQ business was just like having curly hair or anything else. I didn't make a big deal of it, I went to a psychologist when I was 11 and they take IQ tests before anything else. I only wanted to join Mensa for the women and social life as I can say Funtrivia is the closest thing to Mensa online but can rarely meet the people as you could in a local group. We usually encourage each other and make friends possibly for life as a result. 8 years and counting for me.
So my only foundations within my control were business ones, qualifications and money. Both went reasonably well although I never got a master's degree as I preferred not to pay for a full time one and the part time one almost killed me. Or a recognised profession mainly as I couldn't manage O level maths and half the ones I could have tried needed it. I have the one I want now but it's not recognised or I'd have been working properly some years ago. I presume the jobs I did apply for made the employers laugh when they saw my qualifications although if I was happy to add up their figures, sort their papers or serve their customers (and had done so previously for 5 years when I did work) they may as well have given me a chance. But it never happened.
So basically with the start and following life I had, I was then released into the world alone with a house to live in, and little else. To relate to a previous comment, had my attitude to women been so bad I would have had none at all, but it was quality not quantity. I had plenty around but never the ones I wanted. So I am still living alone and as a result of the low foundation and hardly anyone to talk to at home (or since my friend went abroad in 2002) can't have a conversation with anyone besides my family from day to day or longer. So I say it all here. Those of you who can talk to someone at home have a foundation. I haven't had that for 16 years besides a few tenants who were more trouble than the few pounds some actually paid me. They just gave orders and complaints. They weren't friends (usually) or partners or family so didn't really do the same job.
That is why I also have to struggle to find things to do, as faced with day after day of nothing your imagination is stretched to its limits. I usually manage to think of enough to do just for the next day which of course is enough. Besides looking after the family members as I've already mentioned. My grandma doesn't like anyone besides family and friends helping her and as her friends are not family it was normally down to me and my parents as she has no other close family left. Had I got any of the jobs I applied for she would have had years of shopping and hospital trips to do without me to take her, as would my mother for the shopping. I'm talking 2 hours in Tesco in grandma's case, and was happy to do so and all the other jobs when we got home. All when I would have been working. And I can't see how I'd have had the time or patience to take all the further psychotherapy courses had I been working as I'd want to piss around when I got home, I always have. I spent the best of 2 years on those courses so couldn't have squeezed them into my spare time and still done that well somehow. Then I found there was precious little work in the field and that was that.
But life has its moments, good sometimes, but because of the lowest foundations can always drop right down to the bottom when it doesn't as there is so little of a support system. I presume those who stand and point the fingers either don't live alone or want to, and by averages about 80% are not only children. Being given a start where you have less than most people you're going to turn out different at best, weird at worst. And if I blog I can't harass people as unlike speech people can turn round and stop reading. So I rarely mention my problems in real life as people can't do a thing about them and makes them avoid you. On paper it becomes a form of literature and some people do like to read about it, like seeing arguments on Big Brother.
So although tomorrow is free I haven't a clue what I'm going to do. I've said already my health, like most people's, is variable, and when I was better applied for hundreds of jobs. Don't blame me if I didn't get them. But having a chronic condition means any stress and it comes back big time and knocks you out for a year or more as it did to me. So given for whatever reasons the time is there it has to be used somehow. The camera let me go a little further each time so I didn't notice the extra too much, until I could cover a much bigger area. But I can always turn round unlike any arrangement with other people. With phobias it's not what you can do but what you can't that diagnoses them, and my list of those is still by far the winner. I'm used to it but many people clearly aren't. I'm not Jesus and never tried to be so if they throw stuff at me they'll get it back. I'll water down my previous comment which was misunderstood as was hypothetical, that I wish they would have a website and get the same sort of comments as they blithely deliver as if they have the authority to assess others as their superiors. That's the only way we'd see how they'd react and I'd imagine the death threats, I think someone on Youtube actually ended up resorting to one against me, and I recognise the style again here.
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6 comments:
David said:
“So I've used up my quota of rude words for 2008 and possibly the whole decade”
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Since you’ve used up your quota of rude words for 2008, we won’t be seeing any nasty or vulgar words from you until next year, right?
David said:
“Anyway, besides now being thoroughly confused having to juggle who knows how many anonymous posters and supposed to know who said what when I reply I don't know.”
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If you can’t tell one anonymous poster from another, then you’re not as smart as you claim you are. Clearly there are several different styles of writing, which means several different people are posting under anonymous. For someone who claims they are so intelligent, you really are stupid.
Why does anything and everything you say or do end up going back to your childhood? Were you physically abused as a child? Did someone molest you as a child? If none of these things happened, then stop going back to when you were a child. Good God, you’re supposed to be an adult man, for Christ’s sake.
David said:
“So my only foundations within my control were business ones, qualifications and money. Both went reasonably well although I never got a master's degree as I preferred not to pay for a full time one and the part time one almost killed me. Or a recognised profession mainly as I couldn't manage O level maths and half the ones I could have tried needed it. I have the one I want now but it's not recognised or I'd have been working properly some years ago. I presume the jobs I did apply for made the employers laugh when they saw my qualifications although if I was happy to add up their figures, sort their papers or serve their customers (and had done so previously for 5 years when I did work) they may as well have given me a chance. But it never happened.”
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For someone who claims to have such a high IQ, O level maths would be a breeze, so it’s quite obvious that your claim of a high IQ is, like your previous week, “full of cack”.
Now in this post you’re claiming to have held a job for 5 years, yet in a previous post you claimed to have only worked for a few months at a time, and in yet another previous post you claimed to have only been able to hold a job for a week. So which is it? When you can get your lies straight, then you can answer.
The reason why you live alone is because you’re not a desirable human being. You look down on woman and think the sun rises and sets with you. What woman would respect something like you?
David said:
“And when you stop growing at 15 and see all your friends carry on for a few years and look down to hear what you're saying it doesn't help either. That's one reason I developed such a sharp tongue, but would not like to become physically threatened either. So the combination of a fragmented family and being the size of a girl was a start with a kill or cure path for many more years for my future. Like a boy named Sue really and look what happened to him.”
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So now we come to the very heart of your problems: sexual confusion. Since you claim you are the “size of a girl”, it’s quite obvious that you have sexual confusion and you think about being with a boy or a man.
As for your so-called “sharp tongue”, a mute has a shaper tongue than you do.
Now remember, you’re not allowed to use rude words, as you used up your quota for 2008.
Well anonymii, tashi hopes you read this post and got to see the real human being in there 'just trying to get by' like the rest of us, lonely, clearly harming no-one, helping his grandma sometimes, talking to his family, and generally trying to cope with the way his personal 'foundation' psychology has been damaged by the pompous, tense, aggressive, competitive, consumption-mad Euro-American culture into which he was born.
Its not so hard to understand the guy if you bother to stop and look for him beyond your own rose-coloured valued eyeglasses (=value system). Is it ?
Good post David, stoic, and the genuineness is clear. Enjoyable literature too, in conveying a strong sense impression of your lifespace. Tashi thought the comments about your photography and the way you use it to explore the agoraphobia (and presumably the social anxiety it incorporates) were particularly interesting ... tashi never understood this about you before and applauds the ingenuity of it all. Cheers.
"Now in this post you’re claiming to have held a job for 5 years, yet in a previous post you claimed to have only worked for a few months at a time, and in yet another previous post you claimed to have only been able to hold a job for a week. So which is it? When you can get your lies straight, then you can answer.
OK, the full time jobs never lasted longer than months as I always had to go back to college full or part time and none would let me take a morning off. The others were all part time but the week as I said I was simply let go.
Childhood is still us and most adult problems originate and are explained in childhood. And me, a poof? That's why I'm a therapist and you're not. The worst interpretations of the human mind I've ever come across in that paragraph. All you want to do is judge and don't care in the slightest about your fellow human beings. You know what that could be don't you.
Thanks Tashi. You've shown how a decent person can see the bleedin' obvious and those who can't have their own massive agendas in the way. A distorting lens that clearly wants to see the worst in everyone as that is how they are themselves. Probably been treated like shit most of their lives (did I get away with another word there?) and assume everyone is the same. Sad and there's nothing we can do even though we have free rein to communicate they will never listen.
David, your candidness is a breath of fresh air!
Thanks a lot Thomas, I realised long ago we're all made pretty much the same so if you've done nothing wrong there's nothing to hide.
And hopefully by being open myself encourages other people to as well as they see I don't get hit by a bolt of lightning every time I reveal a personal detail.
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