Monday, March 29, 2010
Today's example (admittedly as a negative type) is diversity. Now the principle of forcing minorities to share as many group activities as possible makes as much sense as putting cats and dogs in the same cage. Yes, put all the most diverse types you can together 'because they should all get on' and watch them separate into little groups barely acknowledging the others, let alone getting on. London colleges. Go to any canteen at lunchtime and see each table of exclusive ethnic groups. That is reality. They don't want to mix. They may choose to live here for economic reasons, but tend to come in such numbers most find an existing ethnic community to join and shy away from the natives just as we did in the empire. Human nature yet the left are blind to it and prefer their evil fairy stories of multiculturalism and global warming.
Other than politics since last Monday when I found the sign it's been getting on with it. Work most days, mainly unpaid (sorting out my late grandma's estate is a job as I'm executor of the will and it's bloody hard work) and free tuition. But it's what other people get paid for even when I do it for nothing. The newspaper came out today and oddly not only were my photos not in it as expected but neither was the online book review. I can't see many old Jewish readers touching a computer let alone looking up the paper on it. Own goal JC. I'm finding more old acquaintances online, some just names from school and others women I fancied but took no notice of me. I email a few and so far had no replies as per. Maybe I will send the next a photo of more than my face except I'd be put away. But I'm certain there are no better alternatives to fix my life. The internet has become my route to friends, old or new, and basically if anyone was suitable they'd have come across my path already. If you have to go out and search then by the time you find anyone they're too far away, married or simply not interested.
The week ahead's routine so far, and anything extra will be a surprise as always, so can't even imagine what the next one will be if it even happens. I'm almost running out of questions, the answers ran out some time ago. Whether I'll have to watch the world become more and more strangled by corruption and oppression, or the truth and will of the people who want to be free will gradually prevail. One thing that unites us all however diverse is they are robbing every one of you in the false name of global warming. More cash has been extracted worldwide than most wars and will soon exceed them all, allowing for inflation. Muslims, disabled, Africans, Arabs, will all lose equally, more so if in the first world. They don't care about diversity except they rob us all equally, and unless diverse groups worldwide do their research to discover the truth and then complain about it then we'll all be so poor the only thing that will unite us are the power cuts.
We will all freeze equally if in cold countries, fail to get to work when driving and other transport becomes too expensive, and like the war, every person who fails to stand up to it deserves everything they get. For instance in our elections there are parties who will stop any policies on it, and they will get in if people vote for them. What's the point of voting the big three when besides sharing most of the same policies are all told what to do by Europe?
So in the small areas we can do something then do it. And don't give up when people put you down, if you're right then you're still right if your opponents disagree. Are they right? Do you want to see us being sent back to feudalism or agrarianism? Living and working in villages, pumping your own water, growing your own food and never leaving the area you were born? Even I went abroad a few times before realising it was better here, but no one will have the chance in a generation. People rarely think out the consequences of new ideas, and if you let them change society to stop CO2 that's exactly what will happen. By banning CO2 directly or indirectly through pricing, that will be the end result. Going back to how we were before we had industry. Great. If they like it so much then go and join a tribe in Africa as there are plenty of people still living like that, but let them destroy the ones who want it? And don't trust alternative energy, besides burning Al Gore and the IPCC the only fuel we've got is what we know about. Any others are either hidden by those who own fossil fuels or don't work. If you don't believe me then spend more than a car on wind and solar power and try and read this on your computer. I wish you luck...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Of course it's a relief to know I've filled so many gaps in my collection and increased my media work but it's not affecting my life either. I think the fact I'm gradually starting to go out and see a few people again is something, although it was quite normal till a few years ago for various reasons it all but stopped, and like shopping I now appreciate all I do whoever I have to tolerate to do so.
But the last thing I want is the peaks to stop, but you need the lasting levels to really improve your life, the rest are extras.
Underneath we all want the same things, not the ways we get them but how they make us feel. The route we take is based on our own interests and preferences but all designed to maximise the quality of life. I have my own template, my family life till my mother left and the people I saw every year on holiday for 21 years. Both were located in the best areas which makes a lot of difference and of course when you're finally kicked out of the family home (we all were as my parents got divorced and the house was sold) unless something's made you a millionaire you have to start from the bottom. I'm now where my parents would have been after maybe 10 years, so haven't done too badly, but knowing the missing parts from experience am fully aware when they aren't present. Other people hate family life and home and would rather travel, but they look for the same out of it as I do from hanging about locally with friends and family. And far better you're happy with what's here and now than have to go all over the place to look for it.
All I hope is my life creeps or even jumps closer to this ambition, whether or not I appear to be controlling it. Like Monday, I looked in places online for signs but not up to me if someone's put them there. I'm only the hunter, I haven't planted the gold as well. Until I'm enlightened when I'll be it all.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Well it's been organised chaos. I've learnt never to take photos of people on the phone in their car from my own car now after a lunatic blocked the road after my flash went off and chased me around the block when I finally escaped. Never again, anyone mental enough to drive with one hand (or none when they change gear) on the wheel is mental enough to do anything else. I've learnt my lesson. And as far as I know it's not illegal to take a photo from a stationary car but no evidence anyway.
I got home and checked my forum replies and saw an old sign in London which meant that Streetview had also filled in the holes in its coverage as well as covering the rest of the country, revealing nearly all the corners in London previously missed and had both a turn right only sign (I only had the left) but on a pole with a circle on. Prior to 1964 these were a dime a dozen (or a sixpence) but went rapidly and unlike the triangle and direction signs were gone before I knew it, so would have been in a few years. I knew a couple around Britain but nowhere near here, and this was bang in the middle of London.
This also means I can relax the whole week as not only have I got something already but each one reduces the number I still need. It was also nice to find after my regular toilet was out of order there was a hotel opposite, and as well as using their facilities, which were harder than finding most of the signs, got some photos of the inside.
Unlike the last few weeks I'm booked every day more or less and nothing demanding so besides today where I sat on my arse after running around all yesterday and recharged my batteries there's little mystery ahead. It's the final week I'd be likely to hear about the newspaper (bloody echoes of last time, although this will not affect my career in any way), and read that when things don't work then they are wrong and leave them alone. I recognised this as a perfect example, even though I have no idea why anyone would ask someone to take photos and then ignore them I can't change it. Very strange behaviour though. Well that's about it for the week so far, but a success already so the buggers can't get me for a while.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Today we see the whole of mankind at blame, by arguably a single person, and not taken up by one set of powers but the UN and most governments worldwide. Mankind has been found guilty of polluting the planet and rather than killing them, which is very last century or third world, is punishing them in every other way they can think of, mainly financial.
Do we want silence from all those who suspect the truth, or pains in the backside like me reminding people every week or more that there is a scandal going on that can only be stopped by a single thing, the truth. Unless you learn and spread the true figures which are freely available, you are no less guilty than the British government for pretending the concentration camps were a surprise when their troops found them days before the end of the war, when most had died or would soon die of starvation, rather than listen to the intelligence and risk alerting the enemy to their presence in the areas. Their big picture, much like the current one, ignored the suffering of the people for victory, even if millions of people suffered or in that case died as a result.
People are dying here as well, indirectly but by diversion of funds for clean water projects and malaria eradication, to be followed by people freezing to death from not being able to pay for the increased energy prices, or power rationing in many countries. In the end the toll could be as great but impossible to point the finger directly, which is how they can keep on and think they're not being noticed. Well I notice them, and many others do as well, and only by passing this on can we stop the scandal becoming permanent. They've already stolen billions of our money and unless people do the same research I did years ago, now greatly updated, will they realise the truth and hopefully share it as I continue to do.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Of course had there been a formula to get out of it we'd all be using it, but as my personal key is other people then without any around I can amuse myself until i can't any more. You don't leave pets alone and we're no different. And you can't talk an animal out of loneliness either. Cats can go out but if they return to an empty house are in a fairly similar position. That's just the reality, no value judgement is needed.
So it's always good to look back and see I haven't wasted the week, or even a day, but always seems to leave me back where I started. False hope is worse than no hope, and whether I've been set up for it by a fool's errand or just wonder if the same phase can't last forever it's really only exactly what there is that exists, and any more is only imagination. Although I have just read that inner and outer may be the same, meaning whatever we think is no different to the outer reality.
Then my dreams, which offer the best and worst extremes beyond normal reality may overlap after all, although they give me music and names and places which do exist, and show me road signs very similar to ones I find soon after in places with names which can be worked out from some of the locations. Now again, if they can show me road signs days or more before I find them then the other ones where a situation has been sorted out could point to that as well.
I don't think my dreams give me false hope although besides the signs none of the good ones have apparently become reality. The least they do is show me what I'm missing and how I'd feel if it happened. I would hate it if there was no point in them, or my life either. I have now graduated to being able to have all five senses in dreams recently, not all at once but they have all appeared in full at times now. If that means anything I don't know either, but does add a dimension to them which takes it further from imagination (I can't use any senses in that) to something half way between. I also saw a little clip about the meaning of satguru which explained it perfectly, that even when you have no teacher ask yourself the question and the best answer comes from your own, the satguru. That's been my online name since I arrived, hardly anyone either cares or understands what it means, but it's guided me to many things all my life, so wonder if I could listen to it more and keep myself out of trouble when I follow my ego/subconscious instead.
I will practice, ask more questions and see if the answers mean more than the guesses that would be the alternative. You know when you've got the right answer, evidence or not. That is intuition, the highest level of knowledge. That tells me when people are lying or trying to keep knowledge for themselves etc, telling me all I need to know about most people in authority. I share it and get torn down for attempting to kill sacred cows. Now excuse me, in the universe there is nothing but the truth, so why hold on to lies because the truth means the people you admired are lying and stealing from you, you can't rely on them so may god forbid have to rely on your own resources. Now that's frightening so rather than accept governments are our oppressors and enemies shout down anyone who suggests it as why would anyone want to ruin the world for their own benefit. Bloody hell, my question is why wouldn't they?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Just in case anyone's missing my global warming announcements I don't want to disappoint anyone so will update the situation there. Firstly the technical terms. No, climate change is not something different. George W has been blamed for swapping terminology 'not to frighten the public' (global warming's frightening? What's happened to people suddenly?) but is only an abbreviation of the official term 'Climate change due to global warming". If you think about it without that element there would be bugger all left, and that's being polite (for me anyway). The present broadcasts are the scientists and spin doctors (hold on, where's the line now?) killing themselves trying to wriggle out of the fact they've been caught with their hands in the cookie jar with their pants on fire and cooking the books. In fact there are both no cliches not applicable left on telling untruths, and a ripe situation to write many more. Telling temperature tales, twisting the mercury, pulling our thermometers, crying carbon, fiddling the freeze, shuffling the emails, dealing from the bottom of the graph, and possible there's an infinite number (to imitate their own reporting enthusiasm) more. For pity's sake give up and let us spend our own money again!
It is going to be a long and hard battle. Vested interests don't give up without fighting till the end. At least one of the kings, Phil Jones, has watered down the acid with his latest interview, although largely ignored by all the believers and leaders alike. But each piece removed from their mountain will gradually erode it to a small pile of ash which will blow away in the non-temperature induced wind. But despite the fact truth has no place in their campaign (only in as far as it's used to hide the lies anyway) it is now reaching the general public after being online for years and will be harder and harder to maintain each piece of the jigsaw when it's found to be made with invisible ink and dissolving paper. Eventually when applied to each claim there'll be nothing left to defend or pretend.
PS, if faced with the typical tosh about pollution then try this. Ask whether life needs CO2 to exist. Yes it does. Then when does an essential amount become a pollutant? Er...
And what about 95% of the greenhouse effect, water vapour. How much would that need to increase before it becomes a pollutant?
We are dealing with total ignorance here and can easily be cured with facts and figures but who wants to listen?
Well I beat the system and HTMLed it myself. Uploading is meant to be easier but clearly no longer.
I also spent an hour filming arseholes driving with mobile phones today, I'd done it once with the still camera with many results, although stopped when I was chased to behind the pub. I worked with a long zoom this time and tried to keep just out of their vision. I got 8 clear offendors as well as a few who I couldn't get in time and one where the camera didn't go on, which was the best one as he was stuck trying to get out of the bus lane. But eight clear offendors, mostly with number plates may send a message, and the company who owned the brand new van being driven by the turd on the phone risking their 5 figure property may get wind of it, OC Building in Harlesden. There was a motorway maintenance lorry pulling an excavator also on the phone who went past too quickly to take as well. It is pretty shaky in parts but can see what they're up to and pause if you want a better look.
I am on another non-date tomorrow after being railroaded to another pub, although with notice managed to call the shots on which one this time. This is what I've come down to, and impossible to turn down without a real girlfriend to eliminate any others who aren't actually up for it. I don't think my pictures will be in the paper this week as haven't heard anything for tomorrow, and if not next week will have to send my message 'upstairs' to see if I can fix it. No one wants to do a job and then see it wasted, paid or not.
Beyond is a mystery, I've done plenty of stuff this week though including the slide scanner, getting my food and riding the bike all over now the sun's come out. There's no need to worry about old signs, although a classic turned up in the slides albeit half covered by a balloon. It's not in my personal collection despite knowing it well as I can't be sure I was actually there when it was taken (I probably was as he wouldn't have gone to Hampstead Fair without me). I'd have settled for a clear shot but you can read where each place is from the second half off them at least. If I can be calm and relaxed tomorrow knowing I've got to go out later I'll be amazed and very happy, who knows what could happen. I'll need the horse pills at least at the time but would like to manage beforehand as well. That's the equal part of phobias for anyone who doesn't have them. I've tried many things but a miracle would seem the only remedy to me at the moment.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Having found one of the rarest signs in Britain a day after Streetview went national meant the week is sorted sign wise. I don't have to look or find any more, although am happy to Streetview indefinitely now I have almost total freedom on it. Today's freedom (predicted for the week) was used tying up loose ends- shopping, eliminating a slide scanner from the visit after inheriting boxes of slides including many of my own holidays with my grandparents in the 60s, so will probably have to wait for one to be delivered, and possibly no evening TV for three days as they just don't make many decent programmes any more. I also managed to call the local radio for the first time in weeks on our record petrol prices. I doubt we can stop them rising but at least can explain they represent the total criminals in charge of our fate.
So the rest of the week is free currently, probably voucher shopping for food tomorrow, business calls and just keep Streetviewing. I suspect the lack of enthusiasm for putting my photos in the newspaper will go the way of my earlier interview, but did my bit at least. Just being able to do a job somewhere like a restaurant, even for half an hour was like someone walking again after an accident for me. I can happily stand outdoors and paint for a few hours locally but put me inside and ask me to stay somewhere crowded is like most people being trapped in a lift. And I was seen and spoke to some new people as well which for me is a privilege nowadays. I'll embed my latest quick video (if I can) as I had my camera with me at the gym yesterday and got someone to film me with the barbells. I've done it before but can't remember how.
So the bottom line is my aim is to see my life develop like a dream, where each area in turn is covered by the guidance until I end up where I want. And if I can then of course everyone can. If these phenomena are real they're not just for one person are they?
Friday, March 12, 2010
At least it means if I do find anything I can go out for a purpose, as all photos are almost done as well without going to a different part of the country just for the hell of it. No point wandering aimlessly outdoors, especially on my own, especially now I can look wherever I like.
Looking back I've done bits and pieces this week, one photo trip, plus a second with the SLR after some years not using the extra lenses, and a few music videos for Youtube including my first ever go at vocal harmony. Nothing's changed as far as I can see but you don't know where it's heading. The free paper had extracts of the book (which makes sense as it's about selling them) although if I'm really lucky the big paper may also include the photos, if not then why did I take them I wonder? No one's put them online and if I hadn't I doubt they would be full stop apparently. Maybe this week is a quiet period giving me a bit of a rest I may have needed more than I realised. If there's anything good ahead we can't see it and just happens again in the flow and not our control. I've put plenty of work into it certainly on the media and networking side for years. Any success I've had hasn't been undeserved as even going back to the three years at college postgrad and subsequent home study was the foundation to be allowed to do this stuff in the first place. You do the hard stuff and in my choice and opinion should then be able to relax. People who aren't qualified have to work like dogs the rest of their life as I did before I was, so why do it all in a concentrated way to keep it on afterwards?
So I have been led to road signs, one person albeit distant, business success and some more media work. With experience I can pitch every result at a level of say 1-10 though, and then even at a high level some don't change your life. But I can at least say 'I've got this sign now' where there are many I didn't get. If there was ever a time the energy should be right for a short cut to success it is now. 50 years building up to whatever conclusion, learning the directions and building the foundations really ought to lead somewhere more than more of the same. The winding roads that take miles to get somewhere could easily be bypassed if you took a straight line, and maybe there is one waiting ahead as it's about bloody time.
Rather than tempt fate I think putting it all in the open now may actually open the energy to it and create the thought form. Unlike many I don't speak about spiritual bollocks until it's shown itself to work for me. Therefore the short cuts could be to:
- A very quick suitable girlfriend
- Getting on terrestrial TV/in a newspaper
- Suddenly getting enough money to move and an income to allow it
- Something revealed about aliens at last
- Have my friends come back from America early
- Get all the benefits of 12 years of meditation on and off
- One more I can't think of
Well well, I've used the bullet points here for the first time, although I should have done before but forgot they were there. Done it now.
I actually also think half of these are connected as money tends to follow from media success and women and other people may also arrive when more involved with life. The energy for success, failure, broken appliances, phone calls, customers and all the rest has clearly demonstrated itself to me over the years, and you really do seem to get the same sort of results whatever you do when these phases are open. As I said if I could direct them to order I'd have all of the above and more as requested, but am just about in touch with the mechanics of that to believe there may be something in it as well.
Tomorrow is expected to keep the Streetviewing and then to my mum as every week, and have to let a customer in to my late grandma's the following day so booked for then. It's been a fucking boring week to be honest so far, I haven't lost anything or anything similar, but only spoken to one person (in the post office), nothing besides the old friend popping up (which may be better had she still been local) in the way of profit, and although it's good having few jobs to do as it means most have been done it doesn't create anything new.
So I'm hoping for a conclusion, it appears it may be leading to one although outside my awareness or control. That is the flow and maybe we don't even need to direct it once we're in it as it may respond to our needs. I can only hope so.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The rest of the day was a mystery, so without a clue myself came back, and gradually worked my way through available bits and pieces until the football started at 7.45. I've carried on adding more photos from the past to Geograph, now Streetview can show me exactly where they are, won another mystery word quiz (I think I'm 7th now on the top 10), made a little music video and kept on Streetviewing. My current position is despite collecting quite a lot of goodies both literally and on my CV in the last year or so none have made the slightest difference to my life. If you're alone you can be rich, poor, successful or whatever but you'll still be alone. None of the extras have even added to my social life, as besides indoors there are precious few people around generally as the regulars well know. OK, I really am not complaining as I cope and survive but just assessing the current position as much for my own purpose. The best it can be seen is as laying more foundations. Before instant celebrity most stars had been working the shit jobs for years before they made it, and I suppose (especially reaching 50) I've done every shit job known to man if you go back far enough so certainly done my apprenticeship for any of my ultimate career ambitions.
So tomorrow will be a trip to use more of my christmas vouchers for the next couple of week's food and pick up a copy of the free paper to see the report of the book launch. I may well take the SLR camera with me and do some more views to finish the film before the colour goes funny. I appreciate the freedom and hate the idea I'm wasting it as well remember the years before it when I was only too pleased to get days off. That's what makes me more determined not to waste them while they're here. But so far all the additions I've made are like getting more ornaments from the house. You see something you like, buy it, put it on a shelf and forget about it, and eventually you have to stop as there's no room for any more. They can't change your life either, just clutter up the house. Again I hope that whichever areas are blocked in my life start to shift sooner or later, as they can, and the original statement about releasing control makes it even more certain it's out of my hands. As long as we do our best and rise to whatever occasions present to us then the outcomes are beyond our control. Not our department. People try to make them happen and many claim they have but I think the fact their wishes coincided with their outcome just gave the impression they caused it. One example is all the depressed and generally disturbed celebrities, they succeed at the top of their profession and still don't become happy. It's not one of the direct routes- even meditation involves a lot of work and uncertain results, it's just the nearest way to bypass external conditions for how you feel. But even when it works it doesn't last for many, the few it does are probably the exceptions and considered saints by the cultures who teach it. And I am nowhere near sainthood either.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Although things have technically gone pretty well recently- business is good, still finding lots of signs and no real problems it is boring. I gain another item but doesn't change my life or bring people into it. I am amazingly getting in touch with an ex who's free again and for reasons beyond my comprehension actually wanted to see me when my old neighbour got me involved. No predictions though, just an announcement. And being in public I do wonder who can see what, I've got to fanny around on a few other sites where the very people I'm moaning about are present. I'm not moaning here but people either like being written about or not and you don't know till it's too late.
The week ahead is not looking as exciting as it could be either. Besides more football on TV (I missed one damn good game for the photo shoot but I can watch football for the rest of my life) one probable booking tomorrow and who knows what else. I have a few photo trips, nothing worth the effort but there when I feel like it. I've spent the last two afternoons walking in the woods as the weather was sunny but bloody freezing, but got some exercise and more photos. As I said yesterday it's really about bloody time the routine was broken, and seeing other people became the norm rather than the exception. I appreciate them all now and will do even more if they're not rationed.
If I'm working tomorrow I doubt I'll go out afterwards, I've got a growing list of calls to make, especially since the calls went up am saving as many as possible till after 6pm. BT have made it 7 so at least only ripped off on non geographic calls which I can avoid to the greater extent. And Streetview's covered another mile or so around London so back on the job and found one more sign already.
I'll let the following days take care of themselves, I do believe any success I can control in the future will be from strategy and not effort. Plan in advance, see what's required and act. That's how I win many online quizzes, I don't work hard but just learn the tactics and strike at the right time and know what I'm doing. That's how real success is made, once the exams are over, and I really believe if you've shlepped your kishkes out studying for years then why carry on afterwards when you've put that effort in to gain said qualifications? I see people far better qualified than me killing themselves, not for money but more status at work. For fuck's sake dear, you've got a PhD, what do you want, to become God? Just insecurity, I'd like an MA but wouldn't keep going if I'd got one (unless offered a free course) as it was where I felt I belonged and very happy to be better qualified than nearly everyone else in the country. But academic qualifications are just that, fine to teach but you really need a profession to earn more, and that was where my effort was diverted to (I'd have preffered both but health and money dictated otherwise) and although my accounts show my profits have never broken four figures a year the TV work on my CV is priceless and the potential is pretty good as well as an opening for media work.
So as always my mind becomes organised by presenting what's confusing shit here, and gradually see a pattern forming I can work with. Deal with what's in front of me and what I can change, and stop worrying about the rest. Any more is a miracle. Which leads me to yesterday's entry which clearly displayed a complex miracle in my own life which lasted a year. So they seem part of my life, and don't believe they are rationed or based on merit (I've seen the sods who do very well in life and they wouldn't have had it been given that way). It seems neutral, an energy you attract and harness, and then you're in the flow. If we do get judged for being a right bastard with it (which I haven't since I was at school) I've yet to see it happen. And don't really care if it does as it doesn't help me if someone who stitched me up gets it back as I'd never even know most of the time.
I just want to succeed, and don't take advantage of the power as some do, as that's what the old school call black magic. It's simply gaining power and then using it against others.
I think we can all win in that respect, there is enough for everybody but for instance if you give money to the third world it nearly all gets stolen, which is why they're poor in the first place. Many countries we consider poverty stricken have more resources than here but it's all kept in a few hands. That's how people are kept poor, as there's the technology to even fertilise many deserts, as Israel did simply by planting them with trees. I see where people do the wrong thing, and am always happy to point it out or people will assume they've got away with it. The real revenge is seeing them do it as they assume they are unnoticed but as David Icke says, knowledge will set you free. I know global warming is a Mafia job, half the world do now but it'll take a heck of a long time before knowledge will convert to results as currently they're in the process of trying to hold onto their money. It can't last as with the internet the truth is there for anyone to look for.
Political correctness is a smaller version of the same thing, protecting the bad and punishing the honest. Only a way for the powerful to keep it and stop the good people winning, but it can't last.
Anyway, that's enough for one go, but plenty more where that came from.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Now I've seen it work not once but for a year, then regardless of the fact my life and inner self seem no different, my knowledge, as described after I saw it happen to me in the Celestine Prophecy, has been changed and would be pretty hard to undo what I know as it's already happened. So having had a project working on my behalf and when I lost my faith had it brought back by giving me the exact item I thought I'd lost (I hadn't- it wasn't actually there), with another series of events even more complex and dependent on each other that the original scenario it is now safe to suggest the next step. If this is working and in an intelligent way, then regardless of where I am now (where I've been for ages but with many more photos of signs basically) it really could send me to each of my other chosen destinations as it has already with that.
Therefore although I can creep my media career forward with the small stuff- short appearances on fringe TV, articles in professional journals and now photos in a book, possibly to be in a newspaper, I have a list of similar ambitions to the sign collection that are either in their very earliest stages or nowhere at all.
These would be:
Not living alone
Having a girlfriend/wife
Being on terrestrial TV
Having a book published
Being in a national paper
Working on the site I used to (nb getting something back you've lost is one of the hardest of all, more than anything for the first time)
Seeing the scientists finally admit one by one that everything they said about global warming originally is now being overtaken by new facts and it's no longer an issue
Seeing at least one of my old friends again
Having my other friends back from abroad and in London
Getting the truth on alien life
and probably many more that aren't so obvious to think of.
Firstly the only control I've had over this was using the methods in The Secret to help finding one of the signs, but that was before the guidance started clearly. But when it did and since I've had absolutely no control over it. These things turn up when I need them or where they fit into my search. So I can't actually ask for any of the guidance or where I want it to go. I'm putting it here to partly organise my thoughts and partly share the self evident fact that if you accept I may have the guidance in my life then it's part of your life as well. Either our lives are guided or not. When it starts is another thing, but just knowing there's the potential may start it off.
I am also aware my own anxieties are getting in the way but I'm only human and hard to remove existing memories they are based on. Avoiding the past repeating itself is a pretty strong driver even when you work too hard at it. But the bottom line is I want a happy ending. However it happens I've suffered too many of my 50 years, and why should I use up even more the same way? If it hadn't been guided it would be up and down at random, like the weather, but it clearly isn't. Plus sharing it here may remind others when it happened to them and they dismissed it. When it happens properly you sit back and watch, as if it could only have been written as a story. Life wasn't supposed to fit together perfectly was it?
So, I have lost my faith and regained it, and can't restrict a phenomenon to a single area where it can clearly cover them all. I had no say in it coming and what it covered, but can only ask and hope it now covers the next area. I may be able to look for another house later in the year. Unlikely it'll be my first choice but may be my second. I will probably also need a tenant to pay for it, so won't be alone either although that is not the way you ought to fix it. I'm well past expecting to control the woman situation, that stopped at 25 when all the good ones got taken when I was at college doing exams. My media career has to do more than a few photos somewhere where no one knows I did it unless they search the small print. I now need the jump that will get me seen, however it comes. I don't really need to question my writing. It's been used in various places and accepted as professional where required. Here I have fun and mess around but if given a subject know what to do with it.
The next request is not just to direct this guidance more widely but without delay. I should be ready for many improvements- naturally the woman would have to accept my phobias but if you want a person then where you go with them shouldn't put you off as if they'd been a criminal. Even if I got on TV or the papers and was asked to travel around for work I'm not obliged to accept it. It's not for the money and once you've got far enough to reach that point you've got your name on the list already and free to pick and choose. Like with the women, if they really want you then they can come to you to do an interview or do the work locally if possible.
So maybe if I cover all the possible banana skins in advance (I'll have to make a list now) the powers will decide I'm ready and give me each as I am. This is the level of adept, one I have read much about and clearly not a fairy tale. My parallel is the positions of the Indian guru, they either travel or have an ashram. If they have an ashram they are still a guru with the same ability, but you go to him. Who's ever slagged off Sai Baba for not travelling to Wembley? So the precedents for that have been set, and many radio presenters have their studios at home so why not me? I can work round it I'm sure and also now I've done my first outside job for ages I know I'm able to work in a small circle for a short time at least. I do try and come half way wherever possible.
So this is the second level in front of me. I have no idea if it'll materialise but am writing this maybe as part of it, as the guidance has affected me as much as any other director. Making a wrong turn or being caught at traffic lights has also led me to signs I'd never have found otherwise.
Friday, March 05, 2010
My grandma's house was valued today and is encouraging, and will soon go on the market. They are disputing the estate after accepting our figures for a second time and can basically go and fuck themselves. The fact my mother is a judge, my father a barrister and I have a law degree and all say they haven't a case (which we explained in full detail) fell on deaf ears and rather than do the work before sorting the estate out pretend it's OK and then when you've spent the money come back afterwards. Anyone who thinks this is a free and democratic country have missed something.
This week was free again besides one session, the money is required so welcome, I've taken lots of photos around Golders Green (nothing new there) and done some shopping and had the car cleaned, and that's normal life. Of course doing the same things with someone else add a dimension I rarely see now, (er, sorry Roger but only stating the bleedin' obvious), but still better than being stuck at work which is something I rarely did more than tolerate. I've gone through my work history already (how much is there to look at in ones life?) but basically was limited to part time work for most of it as I was at college one morning a week and no one would give me the time off. I worked pretty hard anyway teaching all over North London (a couple of places a day minimum right till 10pm at times), did one or two evenings a week on placement either in a youth club or counselling, and in my year between courses worked full time from Oxford, came home Friday night, did a couple of hours teaching in a school on Saturday and at someone's house Sunday before going back Sunday night for work the next day. OK it only lasted a few months but could have gone on much longer if the firm hadn't let us all go.
So I'm no stranger to work, although that job was the cushiest ever, the sort of office job I always assumed most were, with lots of banter, crosswords, tea, and all I did was sort and enter papers. I used to think 'wow, I'm sitting here looking out of the window and getting paid for this'- the work I did was essential and basically ended up being responsible for every sale record for a British branch of a white goods company. That was me after a few months as I had got someone's job after they left when I was standing in for them. Every sale had to be accounted for both on paper (I checked and filed them all), and double entered on the computer as well which I did the rest of the time. A monkey could have done both as it was as simple as it sounds, but when one was lost (not by me, by the people further down the chain), it was my job to track it down, and don't think I missed any by the last day. Not many if I did anyway. I took phone orders and helped out on the despatch desk as well once they realised I'd memorised the UK postcodes in location order, so planned the lorry loads and routes as well which was a proper qualified job judging by the staff who did it.
So I rose to my own capabilities as even if you start with a cushy number anyone could do who can count, the fact I could do more and more meant in a short time I ended up with the top security codes or I couldn't locate the missing invoices. When I left college for good in 1991 I wanted a similar job and start a private counselling practice before trying a job in that. My applications averaged 3 a week for 18 months as we had to keep records (I was told I was one of the only ones who did, although nowadays people would lose their benefits for it), had three interviews, was fully prepared for full time work with the only restriction not within the ring road as it is the gate to hell. Most jobs are there as they were located there when London barely extended beyond it and went to work on a horse. The fact London extends 15 miles out now most jobs stubbornly remain within the ring road so the few elsewhere are like gold. In the end I worked for a friend and part time as I said yesterday, and could never do full time again after 5 years, only doing a couple of weeks full time when he was away.
So, I have time and space, do my best not to waste it and fill the space, appreciate where I am and where I go (especially since my health stopped it for so long), and the people I see. But things shouldn't be rationed once you do appreciate them. You'd think with the millions of people within a few miles there'd be others like me and able to locate them and meet up, but you need to live in a small town to do that, we are all lost here in the social desert.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
The inspiration today came from the clip about 'what next'- my school leaving was the most long drawn out process, as after changing subjects twice ended up stringing my A levels out, taking one at the proper time and two the following year at separate sittings partly due to a clash with an O level resit. A year beyond the proper date I was off to Polytechnic to take a subject where I knew I'd be able to practice but not pass as it had maths. Accountancy. Plus it was a part qualified system where every year gave you credit where if you failed you'd start work lower down the ladder but be qualified for something. Not even the first year, I failed economics twice (I got the A level so not a total spastic in it like maths) but resat maths the day before, enough said. And thank goodness the internet may be the last place on earth anyone can say spastic, so I damn well will.
Anyway, five years later (I had a year out driving a van and working for an estate agent) I ended up with a law degree, and because I decided to follow psychotherapy and counselling, my original preference, had to do a morning a week at college for three years. The only work flexible enough to fit it in was teaching, so I worked at three schools on average from 1985-91, with a year out when I moved to Oxford (financial considerations compared to buying in London) and worked in an office (a portakabin) till made redundant and offered a better job back here.
So what I did next completed in 1991 with a counselling diploma, and when I walked out of the final teaching job found it wasn't enough to apply for counselling work. So a year before leaving the family home I ended up working in a shop with a degree, certificate and diploma, but was happy there and paid the bills for 5 years till again they could no longer afford to pay me and let me go.
The choice compared to reality, a word I uncannily guessed tonight while watching Big Bang Theory (the first programme to come close to Seinfeld), was weltschmerz. I knew the word somehow, although not the meaning till I heard it first. My choice was to get married at about 26 and buy a place and have children, hopefully with a profession for the rest of my life. Fuck that, said the powers that be (spiritual, no others can affect us that much), your worst fears of being alone and unwanted are genuine. The day you leave home will be on your own and that will be it.
Amazingly I adapt and make what I can of it, spending time with friends and family whenever I can, although friends leaving the country and half my family dying has reduced the options, meaning more time to sit here and blog about it. The world was truly a different and far better place back then, no nostalgia, I can see it now and easily compare the difference in quality.
When I get random reminders of the era, snippets that bring me back to where I was and what I was doing back then.
U Thant, Wonderloaf, Michael Miles, The Golden Shot, Monday's Newcomers (the new TV ads for the week, when they were actually worth watching), Wavy Line, Fine Fare, MacFisheries, The Schoolboys and girls exhibition at Olympia, Zootime with Desmond Morris (he's still busy at least), Paul and Barry Ryan, Esso tiger tails you tied to the aerial, Regent petrol stations, The Days of Pearly Spencer, Rodney Marsh at QPR, Workington and Barrow in the 4th division, Wallace Heaton, Cyril Connolly, The Daily Sketch, Boomph with Becker, I drink Idris when I's dry,
This is probably just the tip of the iceberg, there are many more that would mean nothing to anyone like all the names of people from school and family friends, but hope even one of these I did mention means something to someone else and has brought them back to life for the first time in 40 years or so. There's not much like that any more, only my old road signs, which are fast disappearing.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
I am free now, two probably bits of work this week but not yet 100%. It'll be weeks before I know about the photo going in the paper now so can forget that for a while, not worried about signs or photos as sorted that for now, so freedom and few obligations. Last week was a rest week, rain 4/5 days and just did whatever was available indoors and a couple of trips out to parks when the constant rain turned to showers. I'll just carry on and go with the flow now. It was bloody tiring driving through road works through some of the worst roads in London yesterday, and through traffic jams on winding Surrey roads full of people coming home from school today with more traffic lights than closer to London with each having to change a good few times before people could get through. Driving didn't used to tire me out- I did 10 hours a day in my early 20s but besides having a smaller car than I did for years which doesn't do all the work for me (it's called trying to save money) you really feel everything at 50, well I certainly do.
It'll be interesting to see what happens, technically a near repeat of last week is the likeliest, no chance of an early newspaper answer and just Streetview to possibly turn up more signs, although yesterday's came from someone online and one I'd even looked on the road there but was too small and well camouflaged I didn't see it anyway. Adding to the collections are good, but don't give you anything to do after adding them besides look at for a few minutes. It fills some boxes in life but the others are related to people. What are they again?