Have I run out?

I really shouldn't be writing anything now, and I will have to drag information from the depths of my mind as my 4th day of little to do is half way through and though technically I have done little things all week it has become boring. Also I woke up after 5 hours sleep and couldn't get back again (as far as I know). It's been raining on and off all day and I have used the circumstances to stay online all afternoon. I did finally complete my 30 live quiz questions after apparently losing a page of them the first attempt. I will be doing it now in 2 weeks and have some cracking questions. I posted some bus pictures on Funtrivia and put in some washing and then off to my mum as usual on Friday. OK, after a few days or more I finally had so little else to do I got some jobs out of the way, but that's not all there should be. Those things, fine, but either a bit more or even better the same things in a shared house.

Otherwise I may be running out of philosophy. I reckon I may have gone in a full circle. It appears some things are right and wrong, and the rest probably doesn't exist. The greatest minds have looked for more and even the ones who claim to have found it can't show me or anyone else. Should any higher powers from spirits to God exist they are well hidden from all but those considered possibly psychotic. The rest of us wish in our lowest times for there to be more, and are rewarded with more shit. And the last few bits of philosophy weren't even mine. They affirmed my experience so I took them, on board but that's the lot I think. Before philosophy I focused on farts and other bodily functions and used that vein up by about 16. So while I write about what I did, once that dries up (3 lines average) what else can I offer?
I've milked the past for all it's worth as well, and though you may not have heard about it all yet I can't revisit it so is of little use to me.

So far my writing seems to arrive whatever I plan or not, so rather than expect anything now will see what the future offers. The environment remains much as it was 40 years ago with some variations, but all the local places are still recognisable despite some major new buildings. The books I have of 80 year views are not too different and it's the cars, people and TV programmes that have really changed. So technically my environment is maybe 95% the same as it always has been with little need for nostalgia besides those shops that I can no longer use like the Kenco Coffee house in Golders Green. The people have just vanished besides the older ones who died, I still bump into them occasionally but they are not part of my life any more and the new ones seem up to very little in comparison. I did have 3 replies on forums yesterday from people who saw my programme, so publicity helps. Discovery Science probably tripled their figures following my efforts.
So, I am within the same basic framework I always have, but without the good bits. I think that sums it up, like where I went on holiday when my friends went home and I stayed on. People win over every other factor and that is what is probably missing the most. At least I know.

Space, the final frontier

Give someone a day at home on their own and little in the way of ideas and see what happens. Well I took some reasonable pictures of West Hendon Broadway (it's about spotting the good angles), after finally catching the third repeat of my TV debut at 3pm (on again on Discovery Science at 8 if this is up before then). I rang the radio and messaged a number of people who missed it before as in fact only 4 people I know saw it at the time as so few have Sky. Maybe 8 this time but most have been here and seen it on my video. Now I'm doing my internet and as far as I know there's not one programme on TV worth watching all day since my own (which of course I'd already seen...). After my Sky1 fiasco it is literally like losing a pound and finding a penny. Small compensation indeed. My visitor cancelled after getting the day wrong yesterday, hence the extended freedom. I've reached the stage where it's easier to blog about what I haven't done (almost infinite) than what I have (almost infinitesimal). People really value their spare time when working and I should when not, but it's incomplete somehow. Maybe I'll meditate later despite the computer screen staring at me, though I have checked all the sites I intended to already so who knows. But life should not be like this indefinitely, or I'd feel my life from today onwards was totally wasted. Maybe it will be. As long as I don't feel guilty about it that will be down to fate. Of course I can (given the inspiration) paint or write piles of material to gather dust here as hardly anyone wants to use it. I think it's better to start producing once you have a source for the material rather than speculatively. At least once you've got a fair amount of stuff piled up already. Meanwhile I have to find some old posts here to copy to my psychic site as I realised I'd forgotten to, and that could take some finding. That's as good as it gets...

Geriatric time

Oy, it's getting harder by the day, and I'm not referring to my body. The blog is becoming more what I didn't do than what I did, and it's usually because I can't do it, if not because no one else will do it with me. Age doesn't affect the mind unless you have dementia, it affects the body so your mind can't always manage what it wants to. So every little thing you do becomes so important because you actually managed to do it. God forbid like my mother I end up finding typing and reading difficult. That and sex are the only two things left I can do indefinitely and enjoy. And she can't watch the TV much which would be another cruel fate for me.

So nothing in life can be taken for granted, anything can stop at any time and in some cases (hair especially) never come back. That's without death. Death we should be used to. Who hasn't lost a relative by the age of 5? It's not nice but it's never a surprise at any age, as because we are alive we can die. Old age is one cause, but there are infinite alternatives, and like any other party, you just enjoy the people there and remember the ones who aren't. We can do no more about it. And people go in other ways. Many choose to leave and some never return. That's just as bad for me, as in one case it was a conscious decision at my expense. No one dies to make their life easier but many leave. I'd leave myself but it's impossible. Work that out if you want a headache.

So I emailed Woody Allen's band manager. I didn't even request a reply, just linked my website and hoped. Maybe he even passed it on but I reckon only the manager knows and if I want Woody to see my material I'll need to tell him directly. In entertainment that is usually impossible but in research most professors reply to requests. Very few exceptions, as that's how they started their work and we all help each other for the big questions. Entertainers work alone and compete with each other so are never bothered what the rest can do unless it may lose them a job. Besides the fact Woody Allen could be my missing relative he would have no interest in a second generation clone who is more like the character in person than in character. It would be like looking into a distorting mirror and probably put him off ever working again to see what it could turn into.
My videos have attracted a few of the usual hate mail, the only time I ever left a comment like that was to a nazi video bringing Hitler's propoganda videos to the 21st century, and amazingly hardly anyone else had objected. But if I don't like a video I do the same as a TV programme and don't watch it again. People have the urge to feel better about themselves by running down others and they really hate life, not me, when they have to exaggerate and get one up on me. They should all learn Buddhism, and that from a jew. Look where our religion got us. We should keep the neuroses and switch the rules to Hinayana and we may end up at peace.

People who either look for god or have apparently found him seem to see something all my senses are blind to. Besides menstruation, which destroys the best place in the universe for a week every month, parasites, viruses and genetic illnesses all point to a truly Darwinist view of life. Even the fact we can reach higher states through meditation and use telepathy are signs of evolution as if you push you can always do more like in the gym. But the basic building blocks we all share, from the potential for panic attacks to anorexia tell me like every other machine we are work in progress. So far no one or nothing has been made that can't break down on its own. Cockroaches are pretty tough (would god do that?) but every animal on earth suffers illness and pain at times. It's a random mess and the coincidences that follow me and many others must mean something, but I don't see god in it somehow.

Tuesday, the final entry

No great surprises or events followed, but looking at a diary 3 years old I was aware of the identical situation then and besides small TV appearances and meeting some more celebrities literally nothing has changed in the main picture. I think in that period I must have tried maybe 3 women and been blown out by them all, except for the ones that like to visit to tell me their problems. I could tell them about my problems, but the trouble is they are the problem. Without hangers on like that who care so much about their own feelings mine don't exist at least I wouldn't have to focus on a continual rejection where a sudden ending would have been a humane result. But no, they know what I want, draw the line and continue to see me to create a strange form of torture I've only seen women capable of, though not being into men maybe it wouldn't have happened to me as such.

At least every so often I see people online who can keep up with me emotionally and intellectually, and we know we are not alone in the world, though distance means we will probably be unlikely to meet in person. Whether England turns people into selfish wankers through common experience is uncertain, but all the really caring people I meet online are from just about every country on earth besides my own. OK I have met a few decent ones online, but they probably represent an elite compared to many more elsewhere apparently. My own friends have taken the 'My family/problems are more pressing than you' and I am left with family scattered around London and hardly any social life. That is new for me. Whatever else was lacking I always had a social life. Now, like my hair the good ones have all fallen off. The hair won't come back and it feels the friends can't either. That isn't technically true as millions of people worldwide could become my friends, but none are in North London where I need them. And the woman I chatted up at the YMCA ignored me the next time I saw her, so that's another totally embarrassing scenario each time I bump into her (about twice a week). Lucky I didn't get my cock out as well.

Dark thoughts come with isolation, the devil makes more work for idle minds than hands. And even though few if any ever happened, I'm no longer really waiting for anything. Realistically there's a little TV programme next year but having been on the graveyard shift once know this will not affect my potential career. Just a bit of fun and no more. For the few hours before work tomorrow I may get to the shops again, the new fridge doesn't keep the milk as long as the old one (until I turn the wick up) so that has gone off rather than run out. I have no family or servants to do any of this, but if I was seriously rich I'd pay for a dentist and go when I need to, not when they tell me to. I'd get a barber to visit every few months to save me waiting with the local plebs, and not care about crap like council tax benefits. I would have doctors doing my bidding rather than vice versa, and get my house done up as I wouldn't have to find someone I could afford to do it. And I have learnt not to connect money with hard work. The richest people in the world will tell you work is a possible route to riches, but targeted knowledge like most areas will have the same results. And good fortune. The best deal I know of is the person like Tony Hatch who writes one good song but owns the rights to it, and earns an income for life after one good deal. He writes constantly but others only have one which they have lived off all their lives. I also knew a scene designer. He was an architect but found by painting the scenes for two films a year (6 weeks work I think) he earned the same as an architect and painted for fun the rest of the time. He was one of the best painters around but rarely seemed to care about selling them. He had millions though his wife earned well as well in her profession. But he didn't work hard at all, just focused it.

I've said it before, the hardest workers are the poorest as they all work for other people who pay so little they do endless overtime. Mugs. If your job is shit, go on benefits until you get a good one, as thank goodness benefits pay as much as minimum wage more or less once taxes and things are adjusted for. As they insist on working employers know they can employ one person for two (and pay for one) as so many idiots fall into the trap of believing it's the only way they can survive. 100 years ago this was true but we have labour laws and benefits now and there's no excuse to take one of these jobs and they wouldn't exist if people didn't. I did before my degree and learnt my lesson for life. I was 21 and couldn't imagine doing that for the rest of my life, where without qualifications you could never rise above the status of salesman, however senior. It frightened me back to college and learned since the best ways to do well are to get your income in as many ways as possible, and if one dries up the others rarely do together. And the media appears to offer equal and better rewards to the professions at a fraction of the hours. A newspaper article earns a few hundred, for maybe 1500 words. That's about an evening's work for most people. And more than I've earned in a week in my life. The competition for such a cheat of a job is phenomenal of course, so you either need a degree in journalism (makes as much difference as an art degree as far as quality of product is concerned) or a parent in the business. Talent is minimal. Anyone able to pass a degree can write way above the level of most newspaper articles, and the true requirement is a good sense of humour to write something interesting. No qualifications or family can give you that but that's all it takes to write.

I never expect to have much more money than I do now, and manage as I am. OK, I will probably inherit sooner or later but not enough to change things that much and I'd rather have everyone concerned alive and well. I was told each family has a rest generation where the person survives on the goodwill of others. My late uncle already fulfilled that but I seem to have doubled the position in my family. Maybe it was due. But in the long run it's about quality not quantity and that's my focus.

Tuesday updated

Updating yesterday, I'm on freedom Tuesday. Minor details prevail as usual, I took my neighbour up the road to collect his van which had the effect of partially waking me up, and had to return to let the cleaner in. I saved my latest pictures to the new CD I bought yesterday, and am now listening to saved radio programmes online before they are deleted tomorrow. A few little items are still going missing too fast for me to lose track of them. I saw a few things in my conservatory cupboard last week, went to get them today and 'poof', they've all gone. The strangest thing is everything that's gone missing was worthless. 30 year old boxes of matches I use to light my oven and incense, and I found a notepad I wanted to bring in the house and unless I left it in the garage as I tidied up last week that seems to have gone as well. Why someone with keys (very few on the list) would pop round when I'm out and take worthless things away while drawing more and more suspicion, plus dump a broken lighter in the back is a mystery. But that notebook has sentimental value and I want that back at least.

I have no obligations today and can relax, if I get out again there are a few things I can get as reserve cleaning items, and little ironmongery bits as they were closed last time and the key cutters closed yesterday before I made it there. I did play a bit of tennis as well so had a fairly active day. I have realised I will drift for the rest of my life and have absolutely no control of whether I find one of the few tiny diamonds in the swamp or just keep floating through spaces or hitting turds. I used to wonder if while things seemed really dead and dire here things I'd started off were working in the background and could happen suddenly while I thought nothing would. Rare indeed. The women I put so much effort into carry on their lives with no need to see me in them, the TV work I've done either melts into nothing or passes over the potential viewers. I have half the day left and will next look for a few of the missing items in case something less criminal happened to any of them. I have to finish a pile of essays for a postal course sooner or later and otherwise have little or no direction. A CD with a friend's photos has also vanished from my CD drawer, and could only be on my desk, which though possible doesn't seem to be under the weight of papers and seems to be yet another casualty of the 'reverse apports' which I've had all my life. If something is here one minute and gone the next, it's an apport in reverse. An apport comes from nowhere and I haven't ever had one, only two items that vanished earlier arrived in places I'd looked much later in clear view. But that was before people had my keys...

I see little and expect even less now, as I've seen the effect hope can have once compared to reality. As my book said hope is the same as drifting without a tiller. Hoping things will change is expecting the world to be created by you and not others, and it can't ever be. Admittedly the 'satisfaction quotient' I've received from women has been so poor you would assume I had the social skills of Fred West and the appearance of a bag of anuses. But even Fred West managed to get married so basically I am less desiarable than a mass murderer, as I worked out last week. I can only return to Harry Hill here and say 'I don't make the rules'.

Freedom

Of the mind that is. I think the blog and all its connected areas have allowed my mind to fully allow its material to run free. It pisses a few people off but hopefully it’ll be the power behind my future possible career. At least a few people here appear to be entertained by it and it can often be stretched close to its limits at work but at least I think I can now see its pattern formed.

What I’ll do with it is just what I am now. But hopefully in a more organised way. It was used in a very effective way during the last filming as I’d had some practice, and now it may never be shown. But it’s in there for any other times and ready and waiting. Otherwise each week echoes the previous in ways so close to prison life it can be frightening. And sadly the one aspect even a prison isn’t afflicted with is being alone. Irony surrounds my life in a way books and films (as well as psychiatric case histories) could be written from it indefinitely. I see associations with Woody Allen, David Baddiel, Ben Elton and Philip Roth. Except they not only worked a little harder than me in pursuit of their success, but had any success at all. If I am to join the ranks of the greats, the element of miracles is probably more important than brute hard work. As it is I still reckon most career people did the majority of their really tough work before about 30 as I did, and then lived off the fruits of their labours working within their capacities. Like me, except in my case it involves spending most days alone in front of a computer writing for maybe 50 people a day maximum. Forever possibly. OK, the rare TV appearance in front of thousands, but they won’t be my break to the big time like a proper channel. If not a million you’ll never get there. At least one is under discussion and they seem to know I exist now which is a start.

My projects are the equivalent of IVF treatment attempts. Stillborn nearly every time at great expense even if only of the time and effort type. Woman 1 has yet again abandoned me, previously with an answer every time maybe she’s run out of interest as she realised I actually wanted more than a casual friendship. I think even if I’d been castrated I would have used any power I could find to respond to her appearance. It could possibly even grow me another pair of bollocks as a result. Woman two had the message in what I would call just south of the border between hint and outright proposition. Any other reader wouldn’t have missed the atomic bomb sized clues but she has probably just thought I like her as a distant ideal of womanhood much like a statue. Fuck that for a point of view. Yes, given the chance I would marry her straight away as as long as she can put up with my lack of motivation and energy and leave me to get on with it when I can’t do much. If that was the case we could do our own things and come back to each other knowing we always had that to fall back on, or into depending the circumstances. Compare that to the reality where the highlight of the week is going to the chemist to get a packet of Diocalm. Not that I don’t already have any, but that was left by my parents and is over 20 years old. Not worth the try. Anyway, currently free tomorrow, plenty of paperwork (essays) and computer tidying to do, and the cleaner will fix the house up again following the new fridge arrival. If I could fix her up as well I’d not be moaning for a while but she’s probably married and would send the Brazilian mafia round if I raised a penis in her direction.

The last few weeks have been even more banal than expected, it seems I am drifting with no way of aiming for any remaining goal besides meditation, and the rest is just a matter of survival and avoidance of the worse chores until I have to do them. I always did before but it’s losing its energy drive and could happily go another ten years without an eye test, dental checkup and haircut. I would survive but the dentist insists and my grandma wouldn’t let me in the house soon without the haircut so I do these chores for others. My optician of maybe 15 years closed down and I have trouble trusting many others once filtering out those with no car parking facilities. It’s a real jungle in Kingsbury.

Friday part two

I really shouldn't be doing this but the alternatives barely exist. I see a wide panorama of nothing in front and behind me as well as around me. It's a challenge to fill this space with something for you all to read and maybe even come back for some more.

My hopes at the moment would be specific were they actually alive. The first (suitable) woman has deserted me whereas the second (unsuitable maybe in her eyes) is on a process so slow the snails would be whizzing past wondering why we haven't moved yet. The dance of the dead almost. That would all matter as nothing if I were to give her one. Anything's possible until it's been ruled out but I'm not getting the diary out yet. TV is almost as bad. Eventually when the programme is finished I've been promised a DVD of the programme no one else will see. It'll be the same as my home videos only more people have probably seen them by now. I have an almost definite appearance in about 6 months on a tiny channel and that for the moment is it.
It's really funny how so many people offer advice about my 'social problems'. Like it's possible. Actually I very much doubt many of them have actually succeeded in meeting people the ways they suggest, it just seems to them because I'm not doing it, by doing what I'm not I'll get what I want. As if they hadn't told me maybe if I went to more clubs (I mean any clubs) I'd find a girlfriend in two visits. Or an evening class. Thirty years of clubs and evening classes behind me and the total success was zero. I met a woman once at my latest day class who seemed up for it, but then I met someone else and lost the chance, especially as she was some distance away. So besides offering well meaning but pointless advice, they assume I must be a cretin as the answers are so obvious and I haven't tried them.

Well it's a shame so many things in life can't be worked out to simply or no one would ever suffer from anything with their lives as the solutions would be so totally obvious they would be fixed as soon as they arose. So all the people in London and round the world living alone despite being surrounded by strangers are missing the obvious ways to sort it out. I don't think so. I meet women who are regularly in division one, and they treat me like the elephant man, but without as much tact as they'd give to him. 'Oh, we're only friends', 'You're more like a brother', 'You need a makeover' and all the other cliches why they want to talk to me but not actually touch me. If I was that bad none of the 82 or so women I have succeeded in getting to at least first base with would have done so, it's just the ones I really liked hardly ever reached third (whatever that is, I'm not American) and left me waiting for it from somewhere else but it never came. It's not about quantity as I just want one. But the right quality. Even once, I'm not greedy. If she stays that will be a bonus, and if not I wouldn't care as I'd have done my deed and could relax. And die happy. Until then I guarantee I won't be joining any classes, going to any dances or singles clubs, though I do believe speed dating may be worth a try which has only been going a couple of years and not locally for most of that time.

Apart from that I meet women randomly. The YMCA is one source, except most are taken and it's nowhere near where I live. My mother's cleaners are another, though the closest I got was asking two out. Enough said. Then I meet the rare person via work who all end up as friends and no more despite my wishes. Other than those relatively stable sources others were from the internet, someone I knew at school (found from the internet), my grandma's nurses, a friend of a friend, two in fact, and a friend of the family. Out of that list (I think covering this century, 5 1/2 years, two succeeded, one lasted and if any of the others in division one had been interested I wouldn't be writing this now. One was OK (borderline, I'm not sure any more) but went off after a while, not as in left, but as in food. You get the picture. I tried for a couple of years but couldn't take it any longer when it all went off the rails in every possible way. I got enough chores and arguments from the family without a girlfriend as well.
The point is, without going to the places I did 20-30 years ago I still meet women, I just get a shit deal at the end of it. I am definitely not against chatting women up at funerals and have been myself, by a mentally disturbed bisexual from what my grandma said. Not my type, though not because of either of those qualities (been there, done that). Anywhere is now a possibility except formerly conventional places. Someone tell my family...

It's dead here

I expect most people wait till they've done something before they write their blog. But I could wait two weeks and then cycling to the nearest shops hardly counts as news does it? I don't care it's been raining all day except it won't encourage anyone to help me take the old fridge outside and it's leaking melted ice all over the floor. Just one more hiccup in life's digestive process, and the cold hasn't changed one bit, including the headache which comes and goes since it started. I really need someone to look after me here for a change, I'm on the usual trip to my mum later, with my grandma this time for Jewish new year, and can hardly be bothered to do much till then, the Ryder cup is on TV but can't really get into it despite paying the devil (Rupert Murdoch) for the privilege.

I have been reading more on enlightenment, and it seems that technically one route and a good one at that is once someone discovered if you feel bad you try and avoid it. Now by doing that it actually freezes the bad feeling so it lasts. It becomes subconscious but if you learn that you start finding ways to stop it. If you let the feelings run free it allows you to become enlightened. It makes sense as if we all do the natural thing, which is also wrong, once someone realises it and (not in this case) then teaches you how to undo it, you've won. But I recognised and understood the mechanism and may now be able to find my own ways as he offered none. It also made sense of some badly quoted spiritual points which now have a reason behind them. What you resist persists, and that just applies to feelings. Situations outside would require a higher power which is a whole new ball game.

Well, God forbid I'm lost for words here, I haven't totally wasted the day so far as I had to speak to a few people and did so, and in some cases for other's benefit than my own. Nothing wrong with that. Who and when will get my old fridge out is a mystery as yet as it's making a real mess now, but I'm past caring. That's today so far, and like last week has been a total let down besides the fridge which I paid for so wasn't a gift from god or miracle. Maybe I'll have something to write about later...

Fucking hell, it's Thursday again...

You know I often wonder in anticipation what I'll write in many blogs as until I've finished I have no idea. Today will include another step in my discovery that despite living an inside out life where instead of going to work and socialising I stay in or go to places on my own most of the time there's nothing wrong with it. That takes a lot of doing as all it takes are a few people to have a go and I need to make a court of appeal job out of it, and with good reason.

So today being an example, technically I was pretty darn busy, it's clearly not where you're busy but what is done. I had to remove 6 feet of packaging from the new fridge, move the old one out and the new one in while leaving room for the cat to get past, and have a house full of all this shit that's too big for the bin. Next the old one goes outside tomorrow but I'll need some help. I had my second appointment of the week with the shrink (except of course I'm the shrink in these cases, whatever many will think) and besides the previous video I wrote last night in about 10 minutes after realising rap was really short for Rappaport the rest was automatic. And I really want to see a song in the charts that mentions Brent Cross, even though Top of the Pops is no more. Then I made it at last to the little local multipurpose garage/supermarket and will now have no potential toilet roll crisis for at least a couple of months. I thought you'd like to know that.

The cold has few cold symptoms since Monday but strangely a few flu ones with no temperature. Mind you the cassettes had been sitting on the bed for months and the papers everywhere, and now they are away. I can't get anyone else to do it as only I know what goes where. Plus I have about 6 more cassettes I can use as I just ran out of new ones. Like a garden if it looks the same after a month someone made it look the same, and a house is no different. If it's not covered in shit after 2 weeks it's a joint effort between me and the cleaner, otherwise I could go on TV for Clearing your clutter. No thanks, I lived like that once and never again. I won't even imagine tomorrow, it can look after itself. But I appear to now have less than I expect each week, but am getting better at only looking at the day in question rather than looking ahead and commenting on earlier failures. No one on earth would plan this sort of life, it's the literal last resort, one where you have the basics of survival and no more. If you consider a computer is I suppose but I'd be lost without it so I say it is. Oh, and as often happens the visitor didn't visit and I was so tired it was probably for the best. I got a couple of my phone calls done and there are still a few left I hope to do by the weekend.

I'll be putting everything in the fridge next and slinging out the junk as best I can, and theres still no decent TV on all 190 or so channels I pay a pint of blood for every month, though the Ryder cup starts tomorrow which will be on all day. If I had however many spare thousands it takes I could sort out all my current issues in one go. I would get an ad on prime time ITV describing all my mental and physical problems and asking for a wife. This would not only get me a few possibles (murderers can so why not me?) but probably make me such a talking point half the papers would want to get in on it and give me even more publicity, eventually easily paying back the investment. In fact it's a fucking good idea, one of the few foolproof ones I've had as long as I was the first to do it, but I'd have to sell my house to do it. Pity like so many things you just need the money regardless how good the idea. It could cost £100,000, but a few public appearances and spots on TV would cover that sooner or later. And the woman would be priceless. Well there's another programme being considered for terrestrial TV at the moment which if made will get me the final step to where I am aiming for, but remembering the last broken flush it's the same as selling a house but ten times more unreliable. But the foot must be in the door already however long it'll take to push it open. Unless my new video gets put in the Jewish Chronicle...

Jewish Rap

Jewish rap (was rappaport)

Come on everybody,come on everybody, come one everybody and do the spritz!

I'm a good frum boy I'm a heimischer yid, I'm here to tell you I'm the kosher kid.
I may be white and I may be a jew, but I can do rap and I'm here to show you.

Let's rap to the Cohen, rap to the Cohen, rap to the Cohen beat, oy vay!

Don't look at me like I'm a shmo, I'm the man as you'll soon know.
I'm not that rough and I'm not too shabby and if you diss me I'll tell my rabbi!

I'm a shloch oy vay, I'm a shloch oy vay, baruch baruch atah adonai.

I served my time learning rap from the rov, I passed my test and he said 'mazeltov!'
I told my booba and I told my ma, they said 'Go David you will be a star!'

Hava hava hava nagila, hava hava hava nagila!

So I hit the streets and I crashed the scene, I covered every yard of Golders Green,
I rapped in Hendon and I rapped in Mill Hill, I haven't got to Kenton but I certainly will.

Yossi Yossi Yossi Hey! All the people shout 'oy vay!'

I'd like a job where I can stay with a lively crowd to make my day.
I haven't made a profit but I haven't made a loss, the only job I got was a gig at Brent Cross.

Make me an offer, make me an offer I said make me an offer I can't understand oy!

Wednesday update

Well, the day is now almost over, and the effect like being hit over the head by a hammer by the cold germs (never used to do that but variety is clearly an element) saved me going anywhere besides a quick walk just now. Besides that the day went worse than expected. Besides a single appointment I:

Sorted out most of my cassettes
Watched some TV and listened to some radio
Sorted a few papers in a basket
A few phone calls to me, not by me

Bloody hell, that was a day that just flashed past. I may as well be dead in comparison, and no one would expect any more from me. The neighbours cat walked in until my cat tore a piece of his fur off when he dared to go upstairs. She sat by when he walked in and only decided on action when he headed for a certain place. I know a number of people like that.
Tomorrow looks identical, there's a visitor coming later and an appointment just before that and the rest is free. I forgot to do the laundry so that'll be one highlight, and the rest (had I believed) is in God's hands. I hope I'll get some shopping done and maybe a phone call or two so at least they don't become urgent, otherwise two days like this in a row could lead to my voluntary entry into an institution. Losing a 2 hour video stopped any planned activity indoors today, I received a summary of the programme but it's not a way of filling 2 hours. Tomorrow really has to be better, but running out of housework, however useful, means I've had too much time on my hands.

So slipping into my imagination I know it's actually healthy if we'd be happy in a different situation, as it means we could be happy. The fact it's impossible to get there buggers things up a bit, but at least I'm priding myself (having been told by more and more people) I have one of the most organised minds I've come across. It'll never make me happy but at least I can be depressed tidily. People do get pissed off when I pick them up on things though, as it's not always nice being shown you've made a mistake despite learning from it. They would rather not learn and not be criticised. Don't join my family then, nothing gets past them. The fault on an atomic level would be noticed by all and loudly commented on, sometimes in public, as that is how we are. So I'm not going to change such a tradition, especially as it taught me what I know. If you aren't told you'll never know, it could be missed for life if you waited to spot it yourself.

But back to my imagination, there are so many things I'd prefer to have now, many based on what I've lost which made me happy, and these include (in the order I think of them):

Routemaster buses - Austin and Morris car designs still being made (think 1100 and A 40) -
Small train tickets - Living back in a family - Living where I used to - My meditation worked the current frequency it doesn't work - My friend in America was back here - There were shops near my road (never had that) - A decent girlfriend - A local community - An easy part time job - At least one speaking appearance on terrestrial TV - A published book and newspaper article - A few more of my old friends around - Able to see auras again - Having someone else's things in my house - Know at least one celebrity and Big brother houesmate - Be able to see and hear anywhere I liked in a crystal ball (think Harry Potter) - A neighbour I could see regularly- and to end on a practical note, be able to take my old pills again which worked without side effects (technically bottom effects...).

A good scientist would add balance, I will struggle. What have I got that makes me happy?

My radio receivers - Broadband - My degree and other qualifications - My cat - My family, wherever they are- My house - My car - Just enough money to pay my bills - Tablets that just work when required - Proper meditation technique - Digital camera - Video camera (partly broken) - My online friends - My minor TV appearances -

I suspect the rest is memories. And I can't return to them any more than I can change the bad ones. And nothing on my first list is really within our power to alter. It's just like being left in a playpen. I never was but felt the pain of friends who were, even at that age. Now I get it in another way. And I know nothing I did made it deserved.

Garbage

While I'm here, I am learning life is about a few important things and the rest are illusions to be broken. Happiness wins over all, and people are the best source. And when it comes to impressing people it's not what you've done but how you present yourself. All I will add to that is I only hope enough people make allowances for when people aren't able to do what they could for any reason and stick with people whatever they may or may not be able to do. For example (people need them) if your boy/girlfriend doesn't want to go out, use my attitude, I'm lucky to have them, who cares whether they want to go somewhere or not. It's not important. If I had a wife who never left the house I wouldn't mind.

So there's today's philosophy. I've had to challenge and test all my concepts of a hostile world, and where I'd imagined if you didn't measure up (as I never do) you'd be rejected thank goodness were fairly wide of the mark. As my therapist said years ago, if I make allowances for people why shouldn't they? It really makes no difference to me whether a friend wants to come somewhere with me or not as I can go anyway, it's whether they're my friend. Despite going to football hundreds of times my father's only been with me three times when I was too young to go on my own. By the time I was ten I was standing at Stamford Bridge by the players' entrance on my own having travelled half way across London by train and never looked back. And finally (on this point) a few of my friends missed my Barmitzvah as they were on holiday. Big deal. I enjoyed the people who were there. You never get a full house whatever you plan and it's never necessary whatever the relatives try and tell you. And having been to all but one in the past myself have now reached the point where I drop out for health and sanity reasons.

And I probably couldn't have worked all this out without this blog. Or any feedback. Well, the cold has left its mark and I still don't feel up to much, so I've done sod all today, got one appointment in a minute then nothing. I really hope I don't waste the time as it's fairly valuable and not always free. Even I start to feel guilty on days like this. The last advanced part of the test possibly. The shopping list isn't urgent but grows, and I'm sure if I do go out later all but one (toilet paper and frozen pizza) will be closed. So the air spray, deodorant, spare car keys, blank CDs, admirals pie, black bags and anything else will have to wait, having been to two of the shops in question last week with no result. These details are the fascination I provide of my life which anyone actually with me would see so why not here? And with no one ever (possibly) to share any of my life with I can only share it here and can't make these daily events more interesting by sharing them with another person. I know I've said all this before but always in different ways, I hope. Oh, and crisps.

While I'm here...

I may as well do this. While it's early, I'm not in a rush and there's little else to do. OK, I wrote my last entry last night and it's only this afternoon, but this is like confession, it's a form of therapy. I have no one here to talk to so am placing my thoughts here in the hope that the little numbers that add each day are doing more than clicking the wrong website by accident. I won't mention any names, but there are a few regulars who haven't commented for months, but no new commenters despite the figures still adding. I'm happy whoever visits whether or not they comment but I am just beginning to doubt the accuracy of the counter as it seems to record more than just visitors (except there are only page clicks if people read the archives which won't happen for most readers).

Today remains free, I have had a useful phone call with a TV producer explaining my UFO research in great detail, and is coordinating the alien abduction picture from every known angle. Not yet a programme, but researching for a possible one. We will see what happens.
Otherwise it's good none of the jobs in or out are urgent but I have little direction other than the computer or TV which is fine if it's work but called wasting time if for pleasure/keeping occupied, apparently. I will say the lack of comments still makes me doubt my purpose here as even when I write something that stands out I wonder if anyone cares. I will even admit to having placed a couple of philosophical concepts recently I read in a book rather than thought of first. That wasn't cheating, they fit into my own view of the world and wanted people to understand them as I do, and I added plenty of my own examples. This guy wrote common sense and amazingly the book was published the year I was born. In fact I probably did think of the ideas as well, he just reminded me of them. There is really only one objective truth and if you see it you see it, and want others to who are imagining the world works in different ways to how it does.

My little PMR radio receiver (enough said) has just packed up, which I've listened to as long as I can remember. I've got a spare if necessary but this has all its channels arranged by subject so you only have to listen to one type at a time. I won't go into too much detail as people are probably not meant to do so, but it's bloody annoying and I'm not sure if I can repair it, mainly as the screws won't undo to open it up. The power supply has become disconnected and at worst I'll have to wire it straight into the mains adaptor which means ruining the adaptor. I did it once before and the adaptor I used is not only ruined already but no longer working so the good one may have to go the same way. There are no more shops for amateur radio any more (unless the one in Chiswick remains), there used to be loads, all round there, Ealing and Acton, no idea why but if you want a radio or repair now who knows what you do. Get it on the internet I suppose, but what if it goes wrong, as they always do?

Otherwise life goes on. Boring in places and apparently unproductive, but I know it's because on my own nothing much means anything, the same household chores are nice when shared and deadly dull when done alone. I have a couple of ambitions left which are possible, and one is being a househusband. Many women are prepared to keep their well paid jobs and let the man look after the children, and having looked after others' for years know I enjoy it. And I work from home so if we can get an au pair to cover my absences I could get away with not having a job but doing something useful. Currently I think the only way I see that happening is through cloning...

The weekend's trash

I have no planned material tonight, but am thinking about the bottom line, life should be fun and if not fun at least interesting. Mine has been getting too little of this for too long, and I am moaning and whingeing as a result. Today I told a woman she should be going out with me when she said to someone else she was looking for a man, and it felt so good to be back in the saddle as it's such a rare time I can ask anyone out, especially by surprise. I was getting more milk for my tea and she was just talking to the tea maker and I had to join in (I did actually know her a bit of course...) and at least I got a bit of practice. I would never offer something to anyone like that if I didn't mean it either. If she ever wants me she can have me.

That aside my new fridge arrives on Thursday, neither fun nor interesting but necessary. My American cousin (the only one on earth I really get on with) is here tomorrow so that should be nice, he's also the only living person in the family I know that swears so that always livens up the activity. Even in front of my mum, though whether he does with my grandma present is unlikely. We know the rules and it's his aunt, and the only living one remaining. But if he lets one fly tomorrow I'll remember him even more. Apart from the new windscreen washer not working (that one's bound to drag on as they said it was OK, lying arses) very little has happened.

I had an evil cold for a couple of days which seems to have left almost as fast as it arrived. That slowed me down for a few days so little to report. The current book I'm reading is full of folk wisdom much of which I use already at work and in life, and says I complain to try and get help. This is true, but it's a waste of effort as I well know. It's true you can't drift and expect to reach where you want to go, but all the places I want to go to can't be reached by transport and have no map references. Like the fourth dimension they open and close at random like today (OK, technically yesterday) when a hot woman you know announces she's looking for a man. She can get her slippers under my bed asap. I wasn't looking for it or planning, it just happened. Regardless of any actual result, it illustrates how we can't make these events happen, we just have to be in a certain place at a certain time and had we not run out of milk I'd have missed it altogether. But I'll only believe in angels (and maybe even god) if I get a seeing to out of it.

My other little project is an enquiry over what people follow religion for. I've made a list and not one needs religion as all can be found without it. It all seems primitive and interferes with people trying to get on with their lives. I see no value in following religious rules, and no benefit for the people who do. They pray a few times a day and then die. What's that got them? Everything everyone else has who doesn't plus a childish belief they'll remain conscious after they die, like believing it will make it happen. Pathetic and it rules most of the world. How the majority of people in the 21st century can follow their lives on a list of rules which can't be seen to work in practice amazes and frightens me. And not only does their practice waste their own time it makes many laws and influences many people who aren't followers. They try and convert us if that's in their rules, and threaten us with hell if we don't. Hell? Where's that? Elsewhere? If God made a hell worse than this (as the Christians say) he's no god of mine. Feh! If you were god would you make it the way the kid did in the Twilight Zone, melting anyone who contradicted him? The god of the bible is a seven year old jealous child with infinite powers, who punishes and rewards with the discretion of Idi Amin. And they don't see it. Nothing useful that religion may have achieved couldn't have been achieved without it. I followed spiritual teachings, and they worked. We had good teachers, followed living people's instructions and they worked. No god, no rules from dead people, but very quick methods from people who could do it themselves. Priests often have no more religious experiences than anyone else, and just teach what they were told to. What utter nonsense. Well, as per fucking usual, even if I came online and preached hate crimes (not that I would) the silence would be deafening. But if I was god I'd do it a little differently. We don't need to learn lessons, we need to enjoy life. If I had a choice of dying a happy moron or a bitter genius I'd take the moron every time, who wouldn't want to die with a smile on their face?

Bugger all Friday

It can really be like a geriatric home here at times. I just saw Neighbours where Karl's father had finally lost the ability to look after himself and I realised there but for the grace of god go I. He hadn't paid the bills, fed himself or the dog or done any cleaning or repairs.
Thank the same god my cleaner arrived today, having got my message but not left one in return to let me know she'd got it and was coming. Now I realise the difference she makes I'll know that 3 hours every 2 weeks makes it all as it should be and even if I took 30 hours I couldn't do it, though I loaded the dishwasher yesterday out of necessity. The only reason that's a problem is it's not in the kitchen, I have to go to the next room with virtually each item separately.

I finally got round to going to the ironmonger for a few jobs today (though cutting keys was a last resort as one split in the car and cost me an arm and a leg to replace) and they were closed for a family bereavement. So I bought some more food and things next door and returned relatively empty handed. That's all I do when I'm not working or taking photos, and only went today as I had been working the last two. I still see myself becoming like my late 92 year old next door neighbour, but without being married and having a family first. Straight from home to old age with nothing in between. Having realised going to places for the hell of it was over now, the other two areas, women and fame, are not things I can do just because I want to. The other is seeing friends and besides few friends not working during the day when I usually don't they are few and far between now and need to start again with new ones for the first time in my life.
Instead of dying they have made themselves unavailable which is exactly the same in practice.

I also have a cold, not even noticeable most of the time except it also makes me tired as if nothing else did already. So I'm at half speed though there isn't much to do at any speed today. Little or no philosophy today though. At this rate between the cleaner and I and having nowhere else to go all the housework will be over. I did the filing yesterday, not in the normal way but by emptying the old file box which was full of stuff from the 90s and just putting the new stuff in there instead of the folders. I have ordered more photos which will probably arrive on Monday when I'm not here unless the postal fairy makes sure they come a day late or early. Next I have to buy a new fridge, not because the one I have which may be old enough to be sold as an antique, but because it makes a foot of ice in a month, which can't be a good thing. I've had it getting on for 10 years as a secondhand bargain so letting it go now is probably right. Short of a miracle this entry will summarise my life until it ends, as technically there is nothing likely to happen to alter this. Buying a Thai bride is not the answer, besides the lack of English in many cases everyone knows they're not real wives but paid slaves. If marriage doesn't happen on its own I can't fiddle things to make it happen. Moving house if I had the money would simply shift the dung heap from one area to a better one, but once indoors (where I spend most of the time) life would revert to normal.

Whether the terms acceptance and surrender apply to my position where I know what I want but can't do anything about it, exactly like a paraplegic, I don't know. But accepting terminal boredom seems perverse. Did the lepers enjoy their lives in the colonies despite losing bits of themselves all the time, or prisoners accept and enjoy a 30 stretch? I don't think so. We are designed to enjoy the good and suffer the bad, and try and leave one for the other. I am unable to do this and besides drugs and meditation nothing else offers a way round it, and I won't do the drugs. At least I've analysed the situation, but like the drifting boat know it won't solve itself as you wish it will when you can't do it. No, it will just go round in circles until there's a storm and then it's random where that moves it.

Insanity

If I write for long enough, like meditation, will I eventually get a point? Like psychoanalysis, if you go over everything in your life by free association sometimes not only can you work things out but possibly even get an ultimate answer. My arse it is.

Anyway, sore throat today, usually the start of a cold. Trivial but just something to take the edge off any possible pleasure I may have. But the neutral phase almost comtinues with a slight creep downwards. But not enough to drag me down. One appointment today, money always welcome and all the alternative shopping is not urgent for a change. I reckon writing my diary every day for the apparent silent majority (many read, few admit it) is a way of dragging something of interest from life even though nothing remarkable is happening in it. I have realised that there was a time where like in a dream where you are in a far off country and you wake up and find you are actually still in East Finchley you then need to make some things happen like the dreams, as the dreams of foreign trips are clearly telling you that's what you want to do. Well from dreams to reality that list of adventures is somehow complete for me now. After the last football match and spiritual lecture if I never do another on that list again I won't feel I've missed anything.

The genuine point here is that the things I want to do now, as if woken from a dream, are not by choice. If anyone wants to go abroad they can, and I did. If they want to go to football ditto, or the theatre. Going to Wembley to see a concert is the easiest thing on earth should you want to do it (especially when Wembley's about a mile away and your friend has a car park) but wanting to go on TV or find a girlfriend are the next stage of dreams I have and they happen when they want to not when you do. You can't say 'I want a girlfriend' or 'I want to be on TV' and then do it like I could hop on a train and go to Belgium. So I realised my life isn't over as I no longer care if I go to another place or event as I'm ready for a new list of experiences, but one I have only a small say in. That's a useful thing to know.

So, one more discovery has been made, and it shows that on my own with only a pen and paper or typewriter things can be worked out. Besides that this week is day by day becoming as predictable as predicted, but money is crawling in which is what people are supposed to do, isn't it. I'm still waiting to get the cleaner back after being away on Tuesday, and will always realise the difference she makes doing in three hours what I can't do given as many weeks. She tried to call last night but I was out. All because she doesn't speak English, not my fault.
I've also established fame over the internet is like winning the lottery. With the millions of people writing blogs and posting videos only a few make the papers, so it's only going to help me by using the material I've written elsewhere if anyone will even look at it.

So as there's something on the radio and I'm busy later I can't be arsed to go out for less than an hour for stuff I won't need for weeks, just for the hell of going out. So I will choose more photos to be printed as when the days have been long I've had all the time to collect hundreds more since the last lot, and have so far printed 170 pictures from the digital camera since November when I got it. Once the clocks go back it'll be rationed again, but there are few places left to take and especially paths and fields all look so similar despite being miles apart some are beginning to look hard to distinguish. Shops are hardly photogenic (except in America) and I already have enough house pictures for a London guide. I wonder if my executors will value any of the piles of stuff they find when they clear the house out or just burn the lot? I suppose it depends if any of them have the patience to bother and the discrimination to appreciate it. And if I died tomorrow?

What would Woody write?

Based on the Christian wristbands, what would Jesus do, but I was telling my stories my way before I realised Woody Allen had done the same before me as well. Just a bit of Askenazi heritage. I can't write a lot, I've been busy at home most of the day and little there to talk about. But with half an hour or so to spare and too late to go to the shops the blog is calling me. I have definitely seen a change the last few days, life seems to be returning gradually to more like normal, and as the cleaner refused to both answer her phone or check her messages I have no idea when I'll see her again after trying 3 times to cancel her visit yesterday as I wasn't here. Not speaking English means she'd need someone to translate, but I now realise what happens after 2 weeks when she doesn't come. Emptying rubbish is no fun, or all the other things I save for her which I'm having to do myself now.

Otherwise it's much as it was last night, besides discovering the interactive TV started at 3.25am so instead of going to bed had to try it for almost half an hour. Not clever to do but it was amazing. Only one service seems not up yet though they warned hardly any would everything now works. No games yet but I think that's about it besides the alternative camera shots or tennis games currently offered by the BBC and we used to get on cable. Of course the programmes are the same but a few are currently missing as well...
I do appear slightly isolated at the moment, if it wasn't for my occasional clients I wouldn't see anyone here all week. I realised what counts the most is having someone I like here, even sometimes, and that is the least possible area we have control over. So we really have to surrender to fate as we can chase people around the world but they won't come to us unless they choose to.

Can I find any sort of conclusion? Before my death that is, the only obvious one. I can't always write to entertain, each day reflects a different aspect of life here, and rather than wait till later which is one less thing to keep me up late. I have a little list of things to do next time I go out, partly depending on what I can get where, and missed today as working (which is preferable as so rare). I'd really like to be able to see what's going on behind the scenes, so I knew for instance if either of the women I'm after I stand a chance with and if I'll end up getting on TV again. But I'm certain nothing I've missed has been a punishment for lack of work, as many successful people didn't necessarily work for it, at least only partially. If not we are tempted to look for supernatural methods, which don't work either, and then total withdrawal through psychedelic experiences. The trouble is drugs are the quick route and meditation isn't, and though drugs aren't reliable and rot the body are only too available and tempting for those who want to experience beyond the ordinary and not rely on the world to provide experiences. Not for me. Good idea in theory, some are even legal, but the body pays for any experience and can damage it permanently, as they work chemically to destroy the mind in order to allow other things through. I am back on the slow path having investigated the other as many do, and didn't complete it, which can only be a good thing. But the 'other side' seems to promise so much for those of us with little on this side.

It's a standard route to get you here, but not for where you end up ultimately. There are new age theories about an advanced generation of people who don't fit in with the others, as it's almost like a new species. I am now meeting them one by one, each saying they feel special (as I did), and then actually being told so by others, proving it's not our ego or imagination but clearly a rough and uncontrolled power absent in most people. An understanding without a direction. And the ability to know things without any experimental proof, which creates a tough situation when you know you're right but can't prove why. Except for the few most people just assume you're bullshitting until they discover you were right (in a few exceptionally lucky cases). Our subconsious minds do more work and calculate behind the scenes until they pop the conclusion into our awareness. This is true inspiration and impossible to explain to those without understanding of it, though we all do it at least while dreaming. I won't start a philosophical essay here, but as I keep finding more members of the new class (whatever it is) it tells me each time I'm a little less of a misfit and mistake than I have been told by so many. They just don't get it and will simply be left behind.

Ewar Woowar

Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds?

Because Ewar Woowar would sound stupid.

That out of the way, I must say besides life as normal and sorting out the medical using the correct procedures I have a clean slate. How would you describe having nothing bad or good? Good, bad or neutral? Search me. I feel OK, albeit a bit disappointed I have to come home to an empty house and rely on technology for company, but the bottom line is how you feel, and when my health is OK now it's such a relief I honestly believe I'll appreciate it for the rest of my life.

So, following the reality of no looking ahead, even if I do now it's a blank diary. No women, the one I emailed (though never done it before) has gone into hiding, she has spent a long time away before but always returned so I assume she will now. I know I've done nothing to put her off (besides a huge mention of marrying her which I think I got away with, as Ross always said in Friends when he overstepped the mark). It's odd they make the PhD the total drip with no social skills or understanding as in reality few people clever enough to get a PhD are inadequate in many areas of life.

Well, after years of waiting I just got interactive TV stage one. The full monty will be phased in over 6 months, and as predicted the current update has jammed the box, third reboot and no change. I don't really care as the computer is far more sensitive and when that goes down I am lost, the TV has never packed up in 11 years so can't see a major upgrade flattening every box completely or they'd be bankrupted. The Ryder cup starts in a couple of days so I'd like it back by then, otherwise I'm not that bothered. It's a rare time I haven't got much more to say, as I don't see this as temporary but long term. There's little new or notable and little chance of it. I'll manage fine if my health's ok and I'm left alone by officialdom. They fixed my car today, sadly partly in the sense of 'fucked up', the poor windscreen washer now has the worst prostate trouble imaginable and is on its way back for an operation as it can't produce more than a dribble. The stupid sods blamed gunge in the system when they clearly either bought a Chinese paper pump or fitted the proper one backwards. Either way it doesn't pump, and any mechanic who's qualified shouldn't return a repair until it works. I won't use big words here but one in particular comes to mind. They've only delayed the return of my car, not stopped it altogether, and then they'll have to wait another week for a new part and I won't have a clean window for 2 weeks.

Anyway, it's clear at the moment, and maybe I'll get back to meditating more often. It's the best thing I have besides my material achievements, and has the potential to be the best.

Worst case scenarios

Well, after what I'd call a relatively normal week I stayed up a wee bit too late last night and someone phoned after I'd slept about 6 hours and the shock was such I didn't get back to sleep again despite lying there for ages. Bugger. I managed to take some photos nearby so didn't chuck the whole day away, and am now fiddling about at home but expect to get a lot of housework done as there's only one hour on TV unless cable turns up some surprises.

I think reading this you can almost feel the deadness of life here at times. I've sent the required paperwork off about this bloody medical, and hope I get away with it as with all the shit I've had it would really be nice to have some time without something to upset me. I think were it not for that small detail (as I've postponed it at least) things could actually be ok simply through lack of anything to stop them being. Freedom at least is a partial reward of its own, and I realise now that work and leisure are not anything to judge yourself by. You either do what you have to or what you want to depending which it is. And when you can't you don't, but usually do something else as I am today. You don't get prizes for going out, and when I didn't value it as I wasn't working and sometimes saw it as easy, now I know nothing's easy in itself. Same as weightlifting. And even when you can get a heavy one some days you won't if you're not 100%. Take nothing for granted and judge nothing for being inadequate, it may happen to anyone at any time and I learnt the very hard way.

Stretching my mind takes place when my body gradually turns into Steven Hawking. Thank god I'll never actually go that far, or a fraction of it, but compared to how I was that's how it feels. But his mind and mine both thrive even though mine is suffering from the effects of some kind of serotonin deficiency dictated by thousands of years of inbreeding until you end up with a Woody Allen figure, all brain, nose and no sanity or peace. If I could find a way to sell my brain power without taxing my body power I would have the winning formula. Like the guru on the mountain, he sits in his chair while people ask him questions. Once he gains respect people travel from the four corners of earth to see him while all he does is tell them what he already knows. Good job but I don't think any get paid for it actually. So I am like them already, people come to me for free advice from all over the world (as many use the internet) and I sit here and give it. One is off my list though, at last. Anyone who abuses the privilege must now pay with exclusion and that has now been done.

One other thing I realised is you can't wish for luck and get it. You need plans and knowledge just to start any project, and can't expect to just be where you want as you want to be there. I was guilty of that, hoping a woman would just turn up or some good news having not worked for anything beyond the TV filmings. No damn way. If I sit and wait that's all I'll ever do, wait. Nothing will change, my friends will still be elsewhere, my income may or may not continue but will never increase, and my health will remain as it is. I'll still live in the same place (11 years in 2 weeks) and have the same neighbours like everyone else, one you talk to, a few that say hello and the rest unknown. I can change nothing, probably even by making plans, and can only work within any boundaries life provides as I always have. Each stage in life offers the next, pass one lot of exams and you do more, look for a job, buy a house, etc etc. I stopped there. No marriage, no children and then no job. But who made me like this? I didn't so I can't feel bad for how I turned out. I can't learn how to change as it's not a mental process but simply how I am and where I live and who my family are.

I can just see myself housebound hobbling between the TV and the computer, blogging about 20 year old memories and watching the neighbours from my office window. The same idiots will still phone and talk rubbish and the same friends will not phone or see me as now. The highlight of the month will be mowing the lawn, and if the cat leaves a present I'll have to call the council for a helper to come and clean it up. Meals on wheels of course, but no young family members to visit once a week and listen to me droning on about when I was their age as I'm the youngest in the family. The question is although if nothing changes I can easily see this happening, will it be in a year, 10 years or 40 years? Age appears to no longer be a consideration. My grandma is active at 96, my mother has good and bad days and I have a good day a week when I'm lucky. But from all of us they were all married till not so long ago so didn't spend any of their lives having to do everything themselves. OK, they worked, but so did I. I really need to meet a few more people like me so I don't feel so different but I may be looking for some time.

One o

The end of another week

Soon I'll start mixing fantasy with fact as I wish the endless banality that is living alone in North London has a point to it. Regardless of health I worked more than usual this week and survived. I say more than usual, translates as more than none at all, but it's only relative to what I'm used to. I also went out a little more which was a great relief and have spent hours joining groups on flickr to share my photos with similar ones. I also had all the calls to make to stop having to travel to London next week and appear to have found the correct procedure to do that. It's a test as I'd never dared to challenge an official request before and this time I had to. I hope I win this one as well as the alternative is not pretty.

So, besides some cracking photos I saw no friends at all this week, and have no ideas to liven things up within my current energy limitations. That's why I look to fantasy, as the reality though relatively harmless offers no hope and absolutely no rewards. I see writing just like music, there are thousands of equally talented people doing it, and a few who are paid. It's being spotted by the right person and I'm sure publishers now read blogs in case they are the first to spot a new talent, like looking for supernovas with a telescope. Like stars, there are millions to look through and only a few notable ones, and who knows how notable I am? Everyone knows rude words and it's not exactly difficult to arrange them in various ways as in a playground, plus can you really see someone opening the Mail on Sunday and being faced with an article that mentions wanking, pus, wet farts, recycled nappies and skidmarks? I don't do cartoons and Viz comic have totally exhausted that vein along with about ten clones, all of which I read obsessively in the 90s. They did so well as most young men just think words like that are funny.

So, how do nightmares become dreams? Mine switch back and forth regularly, and also have the best and worst of each at times. But life has managed to produce more scenes reminiscent of my own nightmares, which exagerrate all the grossest parts of life, and the only relief is the few dreams where the sort of things happen that haven't in life for ages (or at all). Again, is there a message there? I certainly am given plenty of names in dreams as evidence, but I know I can receive data remotely and unless I can now call it up instead of receiving random bunches it isn't of any practical use besides proving it happens. I met a woman similar to one in a dream once and she was a total anticlimax, as miserable as they come, and the opposite to meeting a dream character to what you'd expect. The women I meet in my dreams are the wives I never had, for maybe 10 years now or more, and it seems it's the only place I can meet them. And it's so easy, I either just say hello and end up married or am married already.

So the last fantasy is psychic powers. The big ones. Manipulating matter and time. Even they have just enough evidence to keep looking for more. I've healed chronic pain (or the power I channel) enough times to know at least that works, and I've been sent shakti power from the other side of the world I felt as clearly as if the person had sent it from opposite me. Google skylord to learn more. It didn't 'do' anything for me though, but I could feel it for weeks on and off. Again, evidence plus pleasure this time, but the only things that work to help are tablets and occasionally meditation. And I read an article where all the professors are dissing psychic powers. These guys are as educated as anyone can be, and so fucking thick they should all be sacked. I wouldn't trust anyone who could dismiss something that's real. And I bet half of them are religious which is the biggest crock of shit on earth. That has more psychic power in it than anything I believe in yet they call us pisher. Idiots. That is my conclusion today. Intellect doesn't always equal intelligence and these guys have plenty of one but are unable to see anything they disagree with. Not intelligent. Give me their job and then I'd have lots of money as well. Some chance...

Punishment and trial

Just to keep up with my own progress I'm looking back over the week, and am not in a rush as I was when I posted earlier. I'm knackered, 2 whole hours of work but I was knackered already, with no particular reason besides it appears to be my default state at the moment. God knows. Luckily I didn't have to leave the house all day (as I work here) so conserved my energy. Mind you yesterday was the busiest day I've had since the pox (chicken) and I was knackered then as well for half the time. Got plenty of shopping in though, little left now for a while. And loads of photos.

Is this the next 40 years (my projected age test says) and nothing else? I suspect the photos will dry up as there's only so many views of the same places, so that'll be replaced by writing which can go on and on, as you can see. Besides the single possibility of my friend returning in a few years, but to around 30 miles away rather than 3, I can't see much is likely to change. I can't settle for a convenient wife as I can't even get a third rate girlfriend even though I accept more every year. It's similar to the years I spent trying to bend a spoon like Uri Geller, diverting my attention from reality and getting nothing done with no hope of it. Now all my tasks seem the same. Find a girlfriend. Well, there are the two candidates who one hasn't replied to the email and the other sees me as a little boy (she hasn't seen the dick yet mind you...) and besides that my health currently precludes 90% of shared activities that involve leaving the house. She'd need the patience of a saint and the sex drive of a rabbit. Fame. Another wading through mud situation. And with fame should come money, and not just the buttons I earn now but 3 figure sums an hour as I discovered the average journalist earns for an article. That's the same as I get in a month. Personal appearance are usually a minimum 4 figure sum for an hour or two, as no one who warrants less would be wanted for one. Public toilet to be closed in Hendon (they stopped opening them 30 years ago), call me for the first blow of a hammer, £1200. Nice month's work. The way I spend money that would last me for ages.

Of course I want it all for nothing, but having lived what others call a normal life for a while, until it chose to reject me, have invested a little time as a member of society. Since then I've also carried a bag of books round London leaving them in bookshops in case they could sell any. Actually that was while I had a job and did it on the days off. When not working I've written maybe 5000 words of essays for courses (a few times, if memory serves me), and recently done another 3000 for another one I'm doing, all from home. Of course I've taken my grandma and mother shopping and to hospital visits as I wasn't at work many times, which is what I call doing something really valuable rather than earning a fraction of what you are making for the boss. I've painted half the inside and some of the outside of my house, which saved about £1000 considering what the decorator is charging to do the remainder. Basically I think I've done my bit and if not doing at the moment am no less deserving of any success just because the work was put in some time earlier. It got me little at the time so a little delayed benefit would be in order should you get out what you put in, which I find not to be the case for anyone.

Tomorrow before I see my mum is free, no plans at all though I may take the camera with me again, and expect nothing and will get nothing. And saturday. Oh, and sunday. I still have some filing to do and when all else stops I can wash and unpack the stuff from the old kitchen that I never use. It was left from my parents house and no one else wanted it. And I don't cook. I'll no doubt walk round the park again, spend half each day online and rot. I have no respect from people here for my way of life but in my position what the heck else would they do? I may get up at lunchtime but how many of them are writing essays at 3am? I work when I'm awake, and I'm more awake then than during the day. Anyway. Despite almost 4 years at the gym my chest remains stubbornly the same as before, minus the fat. I lost 3 inches of fat but haven't added an inch of muscle despite my arms gaining at least two, which is 3 times the percentage as far more of the arm is muscle so gains more than anything else. And strangely despite losing nearly 2 stone have only lost half the waist inches I aimed for, 3 from 6. These are the few things of my life I can control. I can paint more similar pictures but they just clutter the place up and don't appear to sell in a gallery after a year. Writing is like breathing and being published is like winning the lottery, so that is unlikely to lead to more than it is now. So with no more ideas it's all become incredibly predictable, and with no major TV appearance to break the drought as I had been led to believe could, as I said, dictate the next 40 years. I honestly feel I'm being punished at times, but who by?

Jewish exam certificate

If my family is anything to go by, passing an exam isn't enough, you have to do it their way. So in respect of the added opinions that get tacked onto our achievements, despite being good enough for all employers just with a grade, this is the version they'd like instead:

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Fercuckter examining board

Summer 1978

This is to certify David A Guru

Has passed his advanced level examinations in

Government and Politics C
Sociology D
Economics E

signed George Fercuckter JR.

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Comments: Could have done better if he'd worked harder.


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The analysis of success

I've been working a few things out recently, mainly that my success and lack of it is not my fault as my family claim. I put heaps of work into things when I could and the fact I haven't really had the energy to recently doesn't account for the times I did. It's not about effort but focus, like revision. You don't study by the hour but the topic, until you know it. I did as much as anyone else to get a job and women and the only reason I failed was they didn't like me as a person. It was nothing to do with putting the work in at all.

Well at least I know and when I do sod all for a few days know not to connect that with the disasters that befall me. This week I sent a few emails. Admittedly most of the last batch rolled in eventually after gentle reminders, these are from people I expect not to need gentle reminders. When other things are happening I am left till last if at all. Back to a theme I was given, both Jesus and our prime ministers are either loved or hated. I am in that group though without the status. People either get me or they don't. If that means a loving wife and a cult of a small group of devoted fans of my work that's great, it's better than being mediocre. I reckon I'd do well on Big Brother as I never argue and would do just enough housework not to be nominated for that. But I'd make the public laugh. If I carried on doing that (though Jayne was pretty similar to my humour and she was evicted) I think I'd go far. If not Big Brother I want my platform to try it.

Otherwise life's OK bar the 'appointment from hell'. For the last time a demand from anyone gets a rubber stamp from me. My health is worth more than any money and having learnt to turn down orders from friends and family I am now adding the final official demands. Even if they would give me a criminal record my health has to come first, but luckily it's not a criminal offence, just a very major act of defiance. I've got no choice but be prepared for the consequences and though I'd rather not have that to deal with if I won it would almost be worth it. But winning is the theme today. I really wonder if my string of failures recently is a coincidence or a conspiracy. Even the gaps are failures as until you win you have nothing (eg the Sky One failure). I understand miscarriages pretty well for a childless man as I said about bereavement, loss is loss. If you expect a lot and get nothing whether it's a death or a loss of your big break it's a major loss and the effect is the same. And looking at people who have suffered I see no end to it, no point or lesson, just a life of suffering. I'm waiting for evidence to the contrary but not seeing any, particularly where being a decent pesrson actually seems to push away success as it makes you more sensitive to others and not stitch people up to win.

This subject really needs me to write a book on it, as if I crack the keys to success out of necessity it won't just be me who wins. I know we can all win as we aren't running in the same directions. Each has a goal that is different so there's no competition involved. But getting that success? I did my list earlier. Business areas are easy as money is predictable, and work will get it whatever you do. If you look after it then you will succeed and few people do, but spend it assuming it's infinite. I spend it as if it's a limited resource and collect it like a squirrel, hence my success in money. Income is very finite, and that's why no one can rely on it, only make the most of what they already have. And I realise the work for money bit isn't reliable either as many factors can stop that as I discovered. But that was after some years of earning so it took a long time to catch me out and maybe I'm an extreme example, most people work far more than me full stop so maybe if I can, most people can do even better as I have problems working.

We only need a core of people around us. A partner, best friend and as many family to help us out and see socially as we are given. Without this people either suffer or pretend they don't need them. Look at animals. Experts say each species prefers living in a certain way, from alone to huge groups. Why should humans be any different? Saying someone's different and doesn't need other people is defying their nature which shouldn't be possible and probably isn't, like the women who go off sex. These are severe defence mechanisms to stop being hurt by other people and are pathological. At last I can speak with authority as I have two lines of qualifications to back this up. But I speak to these people and they say they're happy and normal. Of course the people they know accept this as they don't care, but I can see they are turned off and living life as unfeeling automatons. I wouldn't trust them either as if they can lie about this they can lie about anything, even when they don't realise they're lying. See the asexuals website, or the even worse anorexics and other self harm ones, where they compete to see who can die first (this is not a joke). Slow suicide with an audience. The worst kind of way to go. And people say I'm sick...

A chaos sandwich

Technically it's a rare time when apart from the blot on the landscape I mentioned yesterday there's nothing bad happening. Nothing good but that's par for the course but the freedom is currently enough without any extras (like people). So having spent the afternoon taking pictures of countryside (see above) and out on my bike doing what I've got to do in the way of shopping.

Two hours before Macedonia play England at 8, the household jobs are slowly being worked through, from cleaning the dishwasher with formaldehyde automatically (my grandma's advice, rather than by hand) to actually washing said items once clean. The last two women I had over did the washing up before I even saw them begin. That is something, but in one case the sex may follow, though the other is even better the second is still an A* as they say in current GCSE jargon.

I am currently concluded (whatever the scientific term is) until new evidence comes my way there is no power or point in life, just what there is, but some inherent weirdness that is the only possible cause of a point. But why I should go through such a stupid route of pain and suffering I doubt is as concentrated in many others is a mystery. I can even compare with my own past which was relatively average to see the last couple of years have been diabolical. I'd make a list but I'd only depress myself. But every aspect has been hit, health, money, people and sanity. No one's actually died but I'm pretty accustomed to death and don't see it as such a dreadful thing unless it's my own as we can't exist without seeing it every now and then. And when people leave it's no better as they are effectively dead and it's just as bad. The worst bereavements were my two cats as unlike humans they do love you unconditionally and our second cat loved everybody. How many people can you say that about?

So, totally inconclusive rambling today, I hope the pictures compensate partially.

Challenged

In the past these little things were just that to me, little, but if you're not 100% (maybe 35 on average?) the weights you lifted easily become almost impossible to lift. So the demand to have a medical in London is the sort of thing that would have irritated me in the past but now is like crossing the Sahara on a unicycyle, plus having to learn in a week before I start. So with that hanging over me whatever else will follow. And technically there's no more wrong than before, but it's just I'm not strong enough to take it in comparison.

Nothing. I'm fine really, had a busy weekend including little repairs to be done on the new car when the parts arrive next week. Luckily the place is decent and honest for a used car dealer and should look after me. I emailed one of my prospects but haven't yet had a reply, if you're reading this (unlikely but possible) you'll know you're on my mind though I tried to make that obvious already. Besides the 'issue', there's nothing else going on, hardly any work and another England game tomorrow night on Sky. I have however read a magazine devoted to enlightenment and healing and Hazel Courteney, yet again, has done my work for me (one less job to do) by finding as I expected, enlightenment is an evolutionary process. Our brains work at a superior level, coordinating all levels which is the equivalent of learning to juggle and explains why it's rare and hard to attain. I also accept if that's the case I'll keep working as it's clearly a state with more than anecdotal evidence.

Finally, in these stressful situations I always wish for a balance to take my mind off whatever's ahead. As Steven Spielberg hasn't written this script it's the same odds as winning the lottery, the only ticket you need to buy is to remain alive but the same chances of success. The alternative is distraction, so whatever I can do to keep busy will put my mind in other places. If ever a time came in my life where a prostitute would help it's now. I'd need to order the details or it wouldn't help, but that can be done. I doubt it'll happen but it wouldn't hurt.
Well, that's about it for now. I have to start going to bed early now for various reasons, and will be aiming not to get online when the clock says AM. It's the only addiction I've ever had, staying up late, and with noone in bed when I go there it's very uninviting to go there as early as that.

It's at times like these it explains every reason for religion, superstition and the supernatural. When all seems lost you look outside the material. My arse. Besides synchronicities I see no plan and rescue from any situation, and though I have been able to do a few things in the last year, none were as vital as this for my income. In the miraculous beliefs of heaven and earth though it would appear possibly to the last minute I'd have to choose my health or my money at the final call it would be sorted out. My rectum, anus and testicles it will...

It's my party and I'll swear if I want to

It seems because there are few restrictions on my time I seem to have gone out of control. Like any other addict I've become addicted to time. Not hard to explain, once I am using my time I don't want to stop, and keep doing things far too late. Once I find something interesting to do I have nothing telling me to stop so I don't. One reason I'm probably tired.

Anyway, I got caught in a major way last night and without a conductor of sorts doubt I'll be able to control this very much and will just have to live with the consequences. Well I don't like moaning but besides not having enough sleep am pissing around watching TV and putting more crap on the internet as that's all there is to do full stop. Normally watching a decent video or the like would be OK if with someone else, but I just sit there eating and drawing pictures with the cat on my lap as life passes another day and I get absolutely nowhere. Because I've had so little for so long I'm actually scared if life improved on the outside I'd still feel exactly the same, and without something to test it I'll never know. Besides having an occasional dream where one or another ambition is fulfilled as I just did, where I do feel as good as I'd hope, there is nothing actual to test it. The TV appearance would have ranked on a 9/10 (not 10 as on Sky) and sadly when life puts all your eggs in one basket it just as easily takes the basket away and all the eggs are broken. No eggs, no basket and lots of time with only making my offerings to thie internet like savages sacrifice animals to god on the altar.

Having only had one friend available to get me out of these situations who may as well be dead as live in America for the difference it makes means no one else can arrive to break the monotony. The few people who are about are more boring than this so I try not to encourage them. One repeats the same mindless questions for hours which the average 3 year old would already understand, another the same stories over and over again without pausing for hours, and the third only keeps in contact via the phone just because he lives across London. Is this a punishment? It can't be, as bad karma is just as godly as good karma as the same process creates both. No, it's just how it is and with no point to it can last the rest of my life. Sometimes I expect to get spotted by someone with media influence, if I've been told yet again my stuff has a profound element in it and should be published. But without the connections it's not going to happen. Being lawyers my parents couldn't get me anywhere in my career as you're either qualified or not. In acting and media anyone can succeed as long as they ahve a friend on the inside. If you can read you can do it, as half of them use an autocue, and if you can write the editor will do enough to make whatever you offer into something readable.

And I don't expect too much. If you have enough talent why not have fame? And all the other jerks are married so why not me? I have been told unless a moron marries another moron (as one couple I know, though he won't get married) and weirdos marry other weirdos I am aiming too high. Because my apparent intelligence is balanced by a social awareness of a low-grade autistic it means any normal woman will not last long as soon as she sees the signs of difference. I still wonder if I'll be famous once I'm dead, so I'll have the total indignity of spending a life pushing my creations and never know they were liked. It really would fit perfectly with the past record, where I always fall short of the winning post. Freinds reunited is one example. If someone joins it means they want to get in touch with people from school. In 5 years I haven't had one email from the hundreds of people who know me, I've sent hundreds. I was no different at school to now except I had no discretion at all then and spoke as it came into my head. Now I save that for blogs and am fairly diplomatic in person, not calling anyone a wog till they've left the room. Not that I'm a racist but I just like the word. People can call me a yid if they want to, as I am. Big deal, I may be a yid, but I'm a bloody good one. And that's one thing you never (well I never and I suspect I've read more than most) read on the internet. People say far worse in private but a hint of racism in public and you'll be shot as fast as John Charles de Menezes (serves them right for shooting someone with an unpronounceable name as it returns to haunt them every other news report).

When all is said and done it's not what you call people, it's how you treat them that counts. If I had a business or children I'd be far more concerned if I interviewed a criminal or they met someone from a council estate than anyone's race. If you go to a school with the cleverest kids from all races you learn to segregate people by intellect and class than race. And that's simply wanting to be with people like you, not really because there's anything wrong with the others. But as I said yesterday people ought to be allowed to use language freely as a word can't really have any power in itself. Use fuck enough times and the power is lost, as any other. Save a word for when it's needed but don't make it history. It's because words like wog create reactions in some people that paedpophiles would that I feel a duty to use it. It's like the Welsh speakers who probably hate the language and never really use it unless English people are around, but insist on keeping it alive. I'm like that with my bad words. I may never use them in conversation but defend their right to exist so feel bound to mention them somewhere now and then or the thought police will have won.

So, my campaign against political correctness continues, and though the figures add each day I still wonder of more than two people read any of this.