Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Missing the target

OK, I'm desperate to post on my Funtrivia blog and as it's been well and truly fercuckt for a few days now I'm here again instead. Haircut succeeded late but certain. I may be free tomorrow so I'm not in bed like a good boy but as they have ghost stories on the radio I wouldn't be sleeping anyway so may as well write as I listen.

Philosophy time. There are three lives. The real one, the ideals I remember and the ideals I imagine. Would it be so hard to shift to if not the same I remember but at least one similar enough to feel right? Everything's out of adjustment here: No people around, no local or work community to mix with, mental and physical problems, and all projects reach no more than a fraction of their potential. I'm 46 already for Christ's sake, and should have made it in at least one area rather than have all my senses eroded to the point of near insanity. I need something to draw me back and that will only come in the form of a miracle unless I can somehow heal naturally which is theoretically also possible. But a miracle is needed and one would be actually finishing a job I started in 1974.

The lost girlfriend now found for the 4th time is like a film. A theme which returns every 10 years but so far with no conclusion. I will either take action soon as in when I log off here or next week, but action I will take as I have a certain key to this problem and it is one of my own making as I described before. It will still involve a 40 plus mile journey if I win but if anything would get me to travel she would. Consequences will only be known if I do, but I've made similar journeys most of my life so it's hardly an ordeal. But looking at the other women I know the single one I stand any chance with (5%) is fine in the main respect, but not, as the Yanks say, a keeper from what I've picked up so far. Great for purpose #1 but unlikely to stay my course as my tolerance levels can't take certain levels of noise. Unless she calms down a heck of a lot which is possible but not that likely from what I've seen.

So in comparison though the woman from the far reaches of the west side of nowhere hasn't been seen for a heck of a long time and could have gone slightly downhill (she hasn't seen me either which could be a problem, though she has as it's on my email, oh...) she can't be that different as people rarely are. Maybe my picture not my awful behaviour at the time put her off. I have the then and now pictures, the then was taken exactly when she met me and the now is probably like a different person, though had I kept my hair the rest isn't that different. But if she really liked me she wouldn't have been put off that easily as she's 45 as well and may not have aged as well as me (it's genetic, no credit for any special tricks). I've waited a week already and usually most people reply the next day if they want to. I told the drama student what I wanted to as I had nothing to lose but this one is quite technical though I expect I lost the game the second she saw my email. I think about another week and I'll go for it in case she isn't that net savvy. My arse, everyone is now if they register for websites but you have to let things run their course and not rush them. For her sins maybe getting married, having 2 kids, living in Africa and getting divorced were things she had to go through first, and had I gone for it back in 1984 (second chance) she may have felt she'd missed out. The furthest south I'd go is Brighton and if she wanted to work abroad it would have been without me. Now she's got it out of her system I've missed her prime (mind you some women much older are still up to the mark) and certainly wouldn't have my own children should it work, but as I said, I don't make the rules.

So despite talking speculative bollocks in the past, this one ought to have worked better but in fact has apparently just followed every other cheap easy attempt to do something that should be hard work, like getting a postal degree. Some corners will not be cut, and though the work would be ahead as she lives halfway to Land's End I'd be expected to have worked before getting her back and not just finding her name on a website and expecting her to jump 22 years after I last spoke to her (as she was married in between). I have only had two women who appeared to be mutual and she was the second. Admittedly I never tried her out in any sense as both times I ran off within minutes, but the little I know about her tells me enough to guess I'm right. I can't think of one other time this happened though I came close a couple of times, one I chucked for being boring (changed my mind the next day but she didn't) and the other was 200 miles away and impossible to get very far with, and we were running out of conversation after 2 weeks...

No book or film could compete with real life stories. I have a good idea of my chances (nil) but until I either wait another week for a late reply (nil again) or get a result from my second email (1%) I am fucked. The best I will do is a book or article about my failures as no oner would believe one person could screw up every time whatever the circumstances. I can't believe it. I had the crumbs off the table, but never the full meal. Half my mental problems must be caused by this as a basic need has not been fulfilled. I was told a way I can by a friend recently so at least there is a way round it but definitely a last resort. It wouldn't be one that lasted but would fulfil a job. But why always last resorts and third rate solutions? Can I ever get something properly instead of missing the target and getting a fraction of the whole job every time as I have in every other aspect of my life except buying a house and my first degree? As usual, it's up to 'other people'.

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