Thursday, January 21, 2010

Come to a halt

Before I start, why does blogger have pale colours when it can't change the background so half can't be read? I did add my own background for the first time last week so it will accept outside codes, but what's the point of offering their own if you can't read them?
Anyway, it's become boring. The steady pace of life alone reminds me of the first time when I left school 6 months before my friends as I took my exams early (I had 6 O levels just before my 16th birthday, resat and passed physics in June after 2 weeks doing nothing but physics papers every morning) plus statistics in 1978 as I needed it to try psychology. Anyway, I ran out of steam very fast. I had a moped but wasn't used to being on my own as I was either at school or with friends during the day, but now they were at school and I was at home while my parents were working.

I did my best, and tried a few of the world's worst jobs before deciding to go to my cousins in Australia. Visa in hand some turned up here (it was June so winter there) and told me not to bother as it was the wrong time and nothing to do anyway. I suspected the family had probably asked them to try and put me off staying with them so took the hint. Then our friend was back from Israel and said he could put me up with a local family for a few months there. I had a weekend in Paris with friends and then a day or so later went there only to find myself sleeping on his floor. Days passed with me making my own amusement most of the time and sleeping on floors until he admitted the people had to go abroad for a funeral and he had nowhere for me to stay. After 5 days I was back home.

The difference is now it's not temporary during the day or my life. I do go out, mainly on my own for the same reasons as in 1976, but not much to do after 4pm when it gets dark at the moment. The snow has left so been out taking photos of anything I can find I haven't done already (11,000 since the end of 2005) and actually visited a friend yesterday as he wanted to borrow a CD. He's one of the nearest left now and that's a mile from where I used to live, not where I do now. Then there's the woman of little use or function a mile away who likes me to go to places where without good company it is very boring. The next few days have likely work three days in a row, my grandma's house tomorrow, and normal work the next two. But I've got nothing else to do and business must come first and leaves less time to think of other activities.
Being very mechanical I see people as I'd see anything else, I make a list of likely candidates and wish I could move in with one of the women although the few who actually would are worse than nothing. The one who is marginal would probably not before she was married (I may be wrong) and can't have a marriage without conversation. Just a cat but in human form who can feed herself.

I can't remember if I mentioned the book launch, but my photos are being used in a charity celebrity cookery book, and the launch is in one of the situations I'd avoid even if I was being well paid for it (instead of paying for the book myself). A cookery demonstration followed by a meal in a restaurant. Now any agoraphobics reading will understand, the rest will wonder why. If you imagine going in a lift every day it's perfectly OK. Then one day it stops. Same place, different feeling. Put me in a pub and I can sit there for hours, as I can leave. Put me in a restaurant, turn the lights down and make me wait, and wait, and when I've eaten wait for everyone else to finish? Fuck off! A Chinkie when we're the only people there is tolerable, as are any cafes or fast food/self service outlets, but a sit down waiter service is torture especially if crowded. But meeting huge local celebrities as an almost equal, my career could be stepped up and make some vital contacts at last. I've considered turning up late with an excuse and will see how I feel on the night. How many chances do you get like this? A cheese and wine is ideal as it's like a pub but with nowhere to sit. No idea why unless they haven't got enough space if they have seating as well?

I really need some help now, the book says we make the starts then the universe continues, but there have to be actual projects to start and I can't even think of them. I have goals of course, but no ideas beyond what I've already done to reach them. I'm some way, professionally qualified, amateur writer, on TV worldwide if you can afford to pay to see it, and collected all my road signs. But getting the final level of getting regular work in the profession, paid to write and on free TV is a much higher level and the ultimate one very few reach. They all start the same way but most fall off before the last step. I'd say the TV was the most likely as besides being on the books already there's a tiny chance every cable programme could go national if someone decides it's suitable, I don't think many do but one way without even making any more. And you meet a lot more people if working in the media, I know that will work in every other way for me. Till then it's the same bloody routine, much worse in the dark for most of the day.

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