Bloody hell, I am so bored right now, I've done all my business as required, and pretty well thank goodness, but coming back to an empty house and diary with only business arrangements is not fun. One little balloon I sent up to the universal fruit machine has probably got me a mixture of worthless fruit as mixed as the metaphor I just used. No surprise, just another nail in the coffin of actually finding a way of having any fun in this once green and pleasant suburb.
Waiting is not on the schedule. There's no point considering anything potential that's months ahead as all that would do is kill the time dead until then, rather than facing the fact right now and tomorrow and the day after that I see nothing nice happening. Listening to 'stress week' on the radio, the biggest cause of stress is being out of control. I agree with that, though being trapped is an even bigger aspect of that situation to me. But like a nightmare, where you realise it's a dream and still can't yet wake up you panic. If I was lazy, incapable or otherwise disadvantaged somehow I'd have accepted I'm missing clear but possibly tough escape routes to my predicament, but the bottom line is 'This is how it is, you can only make the best of it, but you can't change it!' I know when I can fix a situation one way or another, and this one isn't one of mine, no way.
I make the starts, my balloons with notes on waiting to be picked up by a stranger across the world and send me a reply, but most get caught in trees or land in the sea. And I rarely waste time either, I realised recently I am more than compensating for my lack of work/health at the moment by pushing myself even more in the areas I can do.
As a result, I have four paintings I am very pleased with (as are all the others who have seen them), two articles about to be published, lots of new paint on my house I had the time to do, and many other little things. My sheer embarrassment in barely working pushed me to do more, and it may even earn me some money without even leaving my house as I said yesterday, which is one heck of a result if I pull it off. But behind all that, life is becoming dull as the grave. Repetition, as we nearly all do, week after week, but the worst aspect is hardly (?) ever do I (or anyone else really) get one of those nice surprises where we either get something completely out of the blue, or an attempt we made which was so way out actually ended up happening.
New agers claim (as would the devil) by being aware of what we don't have, we bring more lack towards us. Cack. All we do is see a situation with big holes in. Of course, if you start a project, you hope to succeed. If it's a long shot (as most of mine are) you know it's almost impossible, but when every letter you send which could lead to success in any area is either replied with a 'no' (mainly in business), or in personal matters generally ignored, how the bloody hell can you not focus on it in quiet times. I could have gone to bed half an hour ago, at an almost sensible time for a change, but I would have felt so pissed off I'd rather have come here and let it all go so though you poor reader (I only know one person left now!) has to share it instead!
So, out of control for sure, I start projects, the universe finishes. But the dice seem a bit stacked to me at the moment for some reason, and I'm not happy...