Thursday, September 22, 2005

Wednesday, all day

Well, after two very busy and tiring days, and sleeping badly I had a day off today, and with no car was again limited in my ideas. In the end, the only stuff available was boring housework/diy, and as I'm likely to be free the rest of the week decided it didn't matter whether I did any or not today as long as I was happy whatever I was doing.
It started with an old Funtrivia acquaintance blasting obscenities all over the site and in emails, and she was using my name in half of them so I was kept occupied keeping up with all the devastation in her wake. I will say I believe the signs of weirdness or dodginess are pretty easy to spot on internet forums as, like Big Brother, you can't hide yourself that well after a number of conversations, and actually writing things down gives you a chance to notice them more as they sit and look at you till you notice. So very few people I know online have 'turned' really. If they seemed nice to start with, they were, and the ones like her today who went off on one had all the signs from day one.

So, in the whole day, what else did I do? Apart from that affair, there was barely a thing on TV so that was out, and little reason to leave the computer. My letter from the TV company arrived today as hoped for, no dates yet for transmission but virtually confirms it's going ahead. As I said already, it's funny that when you have actual contributions accepted (articles, paintings and TV filming) but they haven't happened yet after months in two cases it feels of course just the same as if they never existed. But thank god at least one of them, and all if go well will happen, but it shows you can only live for the present and the future will take care of itself.

So I had a rest all day in the end, as I needed. I wasn't bored, didn't see anyone except when I had to go and get some shopping, but certainly don't feel guilty for it. I hope the car will be back tomorrow. I'll be able to go to the gym, and it's the first time since I started I've missed a week, though if I get two extra sessions in I'll only have missed one in the end which is nothing. It'll be three years in November, and the progress, though incredibly slow on the physical changes, is there, though the actual size of weights I can lift has more than doubled. No other projects on the go now, business or pleasure. It's hard to always have something on the system for possible progress, and most comes out of the blue anyway rather than being planned for, especially pleasure. This year I have met three women with major drawbacks, but all acceptable for me. I have mentioned the rough details already, and on the plus side it means single and acceptable women still get to know me though I barely go anywhere we're 'expected to go' to meet them any more. But that's because since I was about 30 I barely ever met anyone at those places any more and realised it was far better just being in places for other reasons and bumping into women naturally.

That rarely happens in reality either, but does mean no effort getting to know someone when it does, as knowing someone well before you ask them out beats picking up strangers at social events hands down. By the time you take them out you're already comfortable, and have passed all the embarrassing stages you usually go through when dating someone you've only met once. Fine for kids (under 30 to me...) but not now. My latest love interest is now probably like the leaves will soon be, dried up and fallen off the tree. The trouble is I know the odds of many of my attempts in anything important in life besides technical areas are always phenomenal. The trouble is you can't transfer the knowledge you gain through passing exams and courses into success with people. I'll give an example here of the overlap, one I learnt as a result of being kicked out of my course for failing it, economics.
Economics: The border between academics and humanity. Economists teach it as if it's a science, until you put it into practice. Actually, as well as the discovery economic behaviour depends on people's choices, which are as reliable as a 90 year old bladder, the remainder is actually the political choice of those deciding the policy. Its actual success then depends on the peoples' reactions to it, and whether they actually behave the way they're 'supposed' to, and they rarely do. So though taught like a science, economics in fact relies almost totally on human nature to affirm or contradict each theory, and that is why what people are taught to expect and write in their essays is very different when applied to reality.
It's a subject I just passed at A level, so I know just enough to understand the basic principles, and then failed it twice at degree level as part of a larger course (the only time that ever happened to me, thank god). I now see similar random elements in trying to pin down dating after 30, as there aren't enough singles any more to have a structure as those under 30 have and I exploited in full.
The few activities that are available are sadly for waifs and strays, and have not been able to provide me with anything but good looking women with mental illness. So I am left to the vagaries of 'Brownian motion' (it can be useful going to school for such trivia...), where particles move about in the air at random, bumping into others by pure chance and going in the direction they're pushed in. And the end result is meeting women who have reasons that, even though you like their looks and personality, it just can't work.

One day when I have nothing to lose I'm going to go in detail of some of these people. I think the only real benefit to come from this dead-end job has been my ultimate realisation it can't be me. I have laid out my wares in full view, and calculated, like the majority of men on earth, I'm averagely endowed with qualities for women. There are a few of the flash gits at the top end of course we all know, the Steven Bogens of the world (I had to mention that name) who just walk into a party and the girls queued up to dance with him. That image made me feel inferior for years and I still find it hard to believe something like that can happen at all. Then at the other end we have the no-hopers, the wets with huge noses, no personalities and make poor jokes they think are funny. I know some of them as well, and many frequent the same circle of events they did over 20 years ago, and have never been seen with a woman. I'm neither of those, like 90% of men. I have some major faults, some major assets and the rest is average. Like everyone else really. I just fail with women I like, even when they like me, though a recent analysis showed the last time that happened was about 25 years ago so my power may have gone downhill since then.

One thing my continual repetition of similar ideas does (yes, I know I do it, I am intelligent enough to notice) is to help me organise my chaotic thoughts. And if I think I'm saying the same thing I have already I won't do it. Half of it is because it's the same life with the same situations, so it's actually different stages of one life. The other half is rearranging stuff in different ways and angles to see if I can make sense of it. There are only a few themes in life for everyone, and we all hope to succeed in as many as possible in order to be happy and content. In my case I've always tended to do things either way before the rest or after (if at all). So I'd bought a flat long before most people my age as I planned it all, but am still not married or with children when my friends will soon be grandparents.
I'm not competing with anyone, as I wanted that when they did and still do, it just hasn't happened. Other parts of life such as careers grow at their own rate and as long as you're alive anything can happen, especially if self employed or creative. As long as you can perform, what other people do with it is up to both them, and your manipulation of the market to promote your creations. Van Gogh was the best example. He is recognised as the most valuable painter, and one of a very high and rare quality. He always painted, showed all sorts of people what he did, and sold bugger all while he was alive. Did that make him a failure? What would you say? What's better, some mediocre celebrity with a good manager who makes millions selling average stuff, or a genius who turns out something of the best quality, but hasn't the resources to market tham. I think that makes my point. After the celebrity artists die, people will invest in their works for business, but it won't last critically and will be forgotten soon afterwards. No one in 300 years will have their works in art books as they do now for 300 year old art. So it's not how well a person does from their production that counts for the world, but what they produce.

So, to try and tie up every loose end I've left, the main thing we can control is what we can make and do. What we can't control is what other people choose to do with it. This applies to success in business and pleasure, in all its aspects. And bribery will only work in business, it won't do much to make anyone happy by paying Max Clifford to make you successful for being high profile. Money won't make what you do any better, it'll just be able to show more people what you make than others. But nothing more. Goodnight.

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