Free Thursday

Two versions:

3.30pm Went to Temple Fortune to take photos, freezing
4.20pm Uploaded them to internet
4.30pm TV
6pm internet
8.30pm to grandma
8.45 called LBC to see if Clive had seen me on TV yet but hadn't
11.20pm internet
(no idea why colour keeps changing back, but looks more interesting like that)

OR

Besides lack of sleep (long story) I continued the day as normal as possible, but with the nagging feeling despite having the worst behind me life could still come and bite me at any time like a mantrap, and when you have outer peace it rarely lasts. I try and avoid it, but when things go quiet I slip back into thinking something will happen sooner or later, but luckily it's more paranoia based and not based on prescient ability.

Otherwise nothing special is happening, I got some nice photos as you can see, and that was about it. No actual philosophy today besides nihilism, as that reflects reality. Little else. There's a growing pile of junk and other items that either need to be thrown out or put away, which has to be done next time I'm in and otherwise unoccupied. The cat won't help and there's no one here to talk to while I do it, so it'll be the radio as usual.

Sometimes we need something to look forward to, according to a new study. That is glaringly missing, I have to think of the tiniest things like radio programmes and email replies and have also had to accept if I never ask another woman out no woman will ask me. Who knows. Some who have slipped through my system in the last few years were carrying the equivalent of a pandora's box of psychological issues, but boy were they hot! So they may accuse me of being the devil or set fire to my house after I looked at them in a funny way, or have the police after them for disorderly behaviour, but at least I'd be busy, if you get the drift. All the rest are taken, and like people with good jobs get a new one before leaving the old one. So the rare women who become single either swap man 1 for man 2 or get a new one so fast you can barely see the join. The rest are basically damaged goods.

If I listed the mental illnesses alone (manic depression, schizophrenia, depression, and that was three out of three) besides some of the ones I didn't get who were paranoid, heavy drinker, jesus freak, plus a few who were taken so didn't even count. Wherever you look you will find the same thing. And I am still prepared to take the rough with the smooth, and pay a high price of chaos for the much greater pleasure any of these women would afford. They would rather call me names or run in terror as soon as I show any interest. Goodness knows who they end up with, at least one I can say is no one, the others probably people much like themselves, which I definitely am not. If I got drunk and acted stupid like so many men do I'd fit in far better with many of these types, make suggestive remarks and ask them straight to bed and I'd do a heck of a lot better. Women love shitheads. The single ones anyway. Then to add insult to injury they cry to me or any other poor sod in the way how nasty this man they open their legs to three times a day is while implying I am a million times worse by omission. Lovely scenario.

So, I remain alone while the drunks and verbally or physically violent men get the best pickings. I know why as I paid for a book. It's because they make them feel excited. It raises their emotional level and unlike men that is what women find a turn on, regardless of the source. Just like lighting a fire under them. Well, I can understand that but can't really become it. Many have tried and failed before me, and if you're not like that it's safer to stay a wimp. Believe me.