Friday, August 04, 2006


What a week! Work or friends, little sleep and just getting over the germs. It's over!!!

I am pleased with myself. I barely left the house except to visit family and work opposite, but saw more people than for the last month or two. I haven't finished a major job yet, but often don't more than every year or two, but I have a few on the go and will be well relieved when the first business and pleasure ones finally materialise. I have plan A (the only one I need) with my next female meeting, well over a year's work behind it and weeks of planning for this stage alone. One thing age and time produce is planning, but of course the results will always be random. Just how it is. My mum suggested my tiredness could be an abnormal hormonal reaction to stress, I didn't realise the body could fail so easily from aggravation and lack of pleasure, I thought it had to be organically failing. I agreed if it was serious I'd be dead now so after a year of similar symptoms I hope it's no more than that. When you put quite a lot in and get not a lot out it isn't much fun either.

If others didn't have so much more I wouldn't expect more. Some work full time but firstly it's not the sole route to success, and secondly it's not related to the success I'm looking for. All people work long hours for is money, and I have enough not working very much. It's a basic need like food and shelter and not something people should dwell on as I said yesterday. And you get the same hold ups in a Mercedes as you do in my old Proton and the same crap on a plasma screen or standard 26'' crt, so what? But you talk to 100 people and only a few are worth it for more than a few minutes. They are all different and without a few of them the rest is useless. And when someone told me my illness could teach me things, he was right. I no longer judge myself for what I can or can't do as it's decided for me, and have seen others don't judge me when physically incapable but most understand and help me. At least now I know if I fall apart I won't lose everyone who only wants you when you're working properly. I had to test that.

So, nothing much to look forward to besides my 'popping the question' (sexual rather than matrimonial) on my next female meeting, my 2nd TV showing will be from January onwards as expected and waiting to find about the 1st. Actually I don't think there's any known shit ahead either. I whipped through my little work today which is every few weeks or more, and though I do it faster now after 6 or so years so paid less can well do without any more as it's tedious to the extreme. It's become more of a favour now than earning much as it's really peanuts compared to my other business but more reliable. Impatience is hard to kill, but if you compare hunger and thirst to non lethal results of missing your desire the pull is almost as strong. If you know what you're missing and unlike supermarkets (not in Ethiopia I know) you can't just go to Tescos for it if you want some cunnilingus. I wonder how long it would have taken me if I was challenged to get the word in, a bit like the old Scrabble challenge when we got the pot if someone made the bonus word. I set it at tampon, quite an easy one in Scrabble, but no one ever managed it. But one little secret I can reveal is from every sexual a to z, the 'c' is my favourite (as was Mikey's who has just left Big Brother, thank god).

If all other variations were withheld I'd pick that for my choice. And try going to Woolies or Brent Cross to try and get it. It's just (literally) not handed out on a plate, however rich or famous you may be. It's a privilege and not a right and one I never know when will arrive, like the rain in parts of Africa. But unlike rain you can never have too much.

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