Thursday, August 10, 2006

Each step of the way is an ordeal...

Not a good idea, have to learn. Despite a better reason than usual (Dr Karl on Radio 5, the world's cleverest scientist, appartently) I was up till almost 4 last night and then couldn't sleep properly after 10. I had one client and was then dragged over the road to find some accounts before I had the chance to decide what else to do.
Besides a totally annoying but trivial return to a local food shop worth a whole pound, all my other jobs aren't urgent thank god. Most indoors, my neighbour brought me 2 litres of milk after I ran out last night, it turns out it was special omega 3 expensive stuff for his son and he has been duly been given a bollocking by his wife and no doubt she also blames me though I knew nothing besides he said that was all there was. It helped me out no end but despite offering to return it the damage has been done and the cat and I are happy anyway.

It's 6.30 pm now as I don't intend to be up late again, chronic fatigue takes one hour of exertion for about a day's suffering. My mum's claim it can be stress related is now being investigated, and I am certain a regular supply of sex, love and company must take at least the edge off it. Like that'll happen in a hurry. Besides yesterday's list of plans I now have little else on my system and will see if the current space remains filled with the banal and routine, miraculous or disaster. While I'm in the space (only since I finished so much washing up just now as if I wanted tea the cups had to be clean, one effect of having plenty of visitors) I'll wonder about the miraculous as it's the only part that inspires me from the rest of it.

Of the women I see as 'friends' at the moment, each is at a different stage. One is tried failed and wanted to remain friends, second is tried, still seeing and no idea what else and the third is will be trying. Now each has their own assets and physically I reckon in order I have a 10, an 8 and a 7. Personality is unrelated and I'd roughly assign a 6, 6 and 9 which makes the third the only one really suitable for more than regular sex and the odd conversation. 7 is my pass mark and unless I imagine the 10 while with the 7 doubt any experience would be reduced in enjoyment, like it'll ever even happen. I need these calculations to stop me getting caught in the sex/relationship trap. Rarely happens in reality as such prizes have evaded me for most of my life, but I have to be ready in case as however wonderful a woman's appearance is if she nags, whines and talks without listening it's not to be a move-in job. Quiet and boring used to turn me off as well until I realised if they look the part and care about me anything else is a bonus and not an essential. You have to be practical at 40 plus, but in the end you end up with what life coughs up in front of you and you either take it or wait for the next defective offering.

Yes I know I'm equally defective but enough women still want me those defects are clearly no more than irritants to my enemies and irrelevant to my friends. We all have them, I just tend to focus on mine and announce them in advance rather than pretend I'm fine and then wait for people to gradually find the truth. How many women would Woody Allen pull if he was a beer drinking couch potato who had been unemployed for 7 years and didn't care? OK, just as many, but not anyone with a brain. One or the other? If I have to have brains or nerves I'll just have to keep the brains and have a more interesting but perilous life. Maybe the seeds of a new stand up routine?

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