Sunday, August 20, 2006

Is there a point?

Is there a point?

This seems more than just a blog entry and may well end up as such. It’s the ultimate question of my current situation as there are only the two possible answers, yes or no. For the whole of our lives either to be a random journey of experiences as a continual reaction to the combination of ourselves and the conditions outside or deliberately arranged as a mission by what can only be seen as God to experience everything we do as a way of becoming superior to how we began.

Logic tells me there is nothing and it’s just as it is. When I’m alone I really am and when something starts the finish is down to pure chance. But in my actual experience in between the random elements there appears to be a design. I hear the same words I’m writing or thinking on the radio, hear the same words twice on the radio by different people, and see many situations I now record which would be virtually impossible to arrange by chance. It seems despite the usual chaos, the fact a few events every now and then seem to focus into beyond the normal means I can’t dismiss the possibility. The default position tells me there’s nothing, and something more has to be proved. So I’ll carry on purely in my imagination as if things were arranged, just to look at the possibilities.

I began my life with fears, hard work, illness, being alone and then one by one went through each one. Eventually all at the same time. The most I avoided was work, but I didn’t even do that. I was simply not given many jobs so couldn’t get used to it. The rest were handed to me on a plate one way or another, even at times by my own hand through lack of information what I was doing. I’ve learnt a few things as a result, equivalent to the benefit of losing a kidney. One, I found people to be more supportive than I expected, two, it made me agoraphobic and three it made me use the limits I have to do as much as possible in the few environments I can manage in.

I can’t believe trial by ordeal is genuine in God’s world. Thor went through the same as me, he was given tasks he found impossible to complete, not because he was incapable but the other side was cheating. He was actually far better than he thought he was when told the truth and proved himself as a result. I’ve proved I can suffer with the best of them, and hell isn’t imaginary but here at any time it chooses. So is heaven, but technically heaven should be reliable so as only peak experiences I’ve discounted that as hell and heaven can’t exist together so this can only be one or the other, hell indeed.

Death can’t make any more difference than replacing chance with oblivion. As my experiences while asleep contain that, it’s not a pleasant prospect ahead of hell. Unlike the religions where you die and go to hell, I say we go to hell and then die. This isn’t ‘my own stuff’, as what has happened to me is the same for everyone, I’ve just had the far level of it compared to most- being a counsellor I hear many ordeals and mine, had I been competing, would be equal to any other. But that was purely what taught me what I have discovered, the mystics say the more you carry the more you grow. It may be true in the gym, but in life our minds can be damaged by experiences. I am studying this at the moment, the hippocampus in the brain can be reset by trauma to not work at all and needs lots of treatment to repair. If mine will be it will surely be a miracle. But the greater the ordeal the greater the prize, it says. That would mean because (despite spending my life trying to stay within my comfort zone) I have taken on a pretty good selection of the worst experiences known to man (I have a pretty fertile imagination and can just think of more but won’t invite them in by thinking about it, as if I can). Should God be shifting things so everything we see and hear is all planned (despite only seeing the joins occasionally which give it away) then unless it’s not the God the religions believe, but a sadistic child with infinite powers (as it appears to me) it would come to an end and I’d move beyond the ordeal. That would be the trial by ordeal and should I have survived will end up superhuman as nothing else could get to me again, I’d dealt with it all. I have met a few of such people and they seem genuine enough. The fact I was designed to have an emotional pain threshold ten times more sensitive than average means it doesn’t take much to make me suffer.

So the events that I see others glide through send me to the edge. Being an only child has to be relevant as there’s never going to be anyone else in my position besides me, and once my parents die that’s it, I’m on my own altogether, unless I have children. Imagine that, a child with a father who can barely go out, let alone take them abroad as mine did so many times. They’d be destined from birth to exceed my aspirations to be Woody Allen, except the chances of me not marrying Jewish (50-50, from past experience) would make that impossible as you can’t be a true neurotic in his image if not. But having wanted a wife and children since 24 when I started in the real world of work 22 years later and all I’ve had was a cat. Nothing against the cat but I would have done anyway, it’s not exactly an alternative.
I freely admit to being one of the few people able to process such information, and most people given my experiences would just complain and do no more. I know I have been able to help many clients with similar problems through experiencing them myself, but the mystics also say there’s little point in helping others if you’re not whole yourself. It’s always ironic when cancer specialists die of it (I think it’s about 20% have to as they are no less immune to it as their patients who all die as well). In my work it’s possible by virtue of objectivity not to let your own problems stop you fixing similar others. But I’m in such a mess, for 100000 good reasons that all that is a tiny balance in comparison with how I got to that position.

Unless I see the light at the end of the tunnel I can only give the interim decision though it all seems random and the germs that live in us and attack every organ in our body are more powerful than the bodies they inhabit, at least while they are alive there, the complex arrangements I see too often for chance alone imply a sadistic or at best neutral force deliberately not only leaving little clues they are about like pawprints, or the little squares round the TV screen when the Ceefax codes get through by accident, but then arranging 100% of our lives when we don’t see the tracks and get a bloody good laugh out of it all. Big Brother in large version, making decisions to punish, reward or let down purely at the whim of a producer for their own entertainment. That’s not the God of any holy books but a spoilt child pulling the wings off flies. Not knowing if the effects of the ordeal are reversible even the few situations (almost all drawn from my past so as dead as the relatives in it) I imagine may help may not even if they recur. So I see no chance of a tidy conclusion (evidence, who ever has had one?) so the whole lot may be a cruel joke where some win, some lose, and some go totally mad. I may still take route 3.


Mojo said...

Amazing blog! Sometimes we just need to get 'the realness' down for others to say ...'yes...exactly!!'...lots of your musings make me feel less alone!
Thanks for that and hope to check in again soon.

Mojo said...

Thanks for the comment. It's good to know someone else is going through similar situations!
Will check your blog regularly!
bye for now...mojo