Saturday, August 12, 2006

Getting somewhere

Bit by bit life collects events. The sort you may take for granted at the time but are essential if not done. When you’re not well you discover never to take a thing you ever do or did for granted. But though the minor work is done, the major is slow and is done by stages. Half by me and half by others. It can be so boring to wait while something crosses another stage, such as getting a ‘date’ with a woman (ie with others present) but two weeks ahead. It’s as if the whole of my life outside routine is in slow motion, taking years to meet, impress and finally take out a woman. Not since 2002 did I get a woman quickly by meeting, taking out and getting to bed within a few weeks or dates. That is now the past and technically unless I settle for someone I would spit out had they been edible could last for life. Unless I pay to have a fake bride from the third world that is the case.
I appear the opposite to women’s stereotypes as the women who like me are for my mind and not usually my body. I always noticed the women who were the most forward were the least attractive. It takes a lot for me to turn down an offer but I can think of some true mingers over the years when I ran as fast as I could.

But that’s one aspect of many. All other stages on my major ambitions have been frozen to a virtual standstill. Sky TV do a schedule for the month ahead each month and never told me if I’m up in September. The other one isn’t on till 2007 so I can leave that on the back burner. One little gap in the gloom was for the first time in ages I got to meditate twice in a week and felt something happen the second time. I’ll be back and if that’s the case will have at least a direct method to success that can work at times to insulate me from the hellish nightmares that can be outer reality. It’s half me and half them, as with most things. I appear to receive far less of life’s good things than everyone else, whether or not I worked for them. And then with the nervous system of Stephen Hawking with a hangover any adversity sends me back ten times more than for anyone else. I was always sensitive but with the scars of life the armour is almost gone by now.

Other than that it’s business as unusual. I say that as I know few people with lives like mine. I ought to make a search and form a club for single long term unemployed. I met two at a conference once but were common and dubious so didn’t hang around too long. But unlike me they seemed to get on with their lives and had not a shred of guilt for nature (in the form of their mental health) preventing them from working. Or my old friend from Wimbledon who never intended to work again round about the time I was laid off. I thought it may be a year at most and ended up permanent. The guilt is finally going but the situation is still crap. There are no suggestions beyond what I’ve heard. Some people believe if I join clubs and groups of even more peculiar examples I’d get myself both a social life and a partner. The fact I joined these groups at around 14 and barely met anyone since is a clue why these plans aren’t the key to success with people. What is? How should I know?

I see a page of recycled blog posts, but if I hadn’t written this I wouldn’t have written anything. I said it before, if this goes in a spiral not a circle, moving forward as it returns to the same few issues over and over again I won’t be accused of repetition or deviation. No hesitation, I never stop. But moving two steps closer to an aim and still being weeks or months ahead is no better than nothing, which is technically all there is besides a minute’s appearance on a video that’s been seen so many times the tape is wearing out. That appearance got me nothing beyond itself, but that was good enough. But when I start with the first detail I know, ie my friend abroad is coming back in 2009 it’s a pretty poor start. The next landmark is two weeks ahead when I confess my interest for another woman of two and that’s it. Then the TV date (unknown) and appearance 3 next year at an also unknown date and unknown viewers. Few people need to focus on major events as their lives are satisfying. They have a family and activities and good health generally. I had most of it besides the partner and know exactly what the difference is. If either of the two women concerned were interested half my problems would vanish at a stroke. As Maharaji says, never rely on the unreliable and people are the most unreliable of all.

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