Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Mucus, the final product

Rain, a blessing and a pest. Any chance I was getting a few jobs done outside today was rained off but as I didn't really feel like it I had the perfect excuse. Instead youtube appeared to have jammed my last video as it was still processing the next day, and I had to fiddle to try another upload, which I got wrong and am waiting to see if it's accepted this time. High drama no less.

I have reached a point where almost every one of my plans has died like a plant in a drought. Plan two has reached the crucial point of testing and virtually out of my hands now. Plan one is alive but one of the longest waits I've had for a possible girlfriend in history. If you put together two people with different hangups each suffers and nothing seems possible between the two. She won't be touched indeed- all I need now is a fucking mermaid and the whole scene will be complete.

So having read the latest advice live in the day, I am doing what I can to. If I think of going out it rains and I have two messengers up as once you talk to one person unless you go hidden everyone else comes along. An empty house full of people, how ironic. Now I drift into fiction and fantasy.


Imagine, if you will, a princess, or maybe not a princess but a queen. You are a part of the aristocracy and see the queen but are secretly in love with her. You are so far below her despite being about to inherit a lordship, but you still feel totally inadequate for someone at her level. After all, you'd need to be a prince to really expect the queen to see you as any more than part of her extended family. But you can only see her as a woman. The fact she's the queen comes back to you every now and then but you know her as a person, herself, and the fact she may be a queen would vanish into the air should you share a bed together.
Of course it's not impossible for the queen to consort with minor aristocracy. You're not one of the ordinary people, or you'd be unlikely to ever meet her and see her as part of her social group. But fall in love or lust? With a monarch? What would everyone think? Could she see herself with such a relatively lowly person? How do you compare with the other men she knew before who had whole countries at their disposal?

So after time passes what do you do? The feelings don't go away, she is still free and could have a man if they met up to her standards, but how could it be you? In the end you have to make a move. The trouble is how can you get messages to the queen as so many people are around and may listen? She has all her staff, family and visitors constantly coming and going and you are just another one who for all you know are seen no differently. But you hope maybe you are. The look in her eye when she sees you may be different from when she sees others, the way she restrains a hug when you walk towards her, she hugs you in her mind but the arms just can't make the move, as she's the queen, and what would everyone think?

So many fairy stories have a happy ending, they live happily ever after. This has no ending as the queen is confused and little you do seems to be able to repair that confusion. You have tried, many times. With the Prime Minister there you can hardly throw your arms around her neck and give her a big kiss. The whole government and press would find out. Everything you say is possibly picked up by the maid or cook and would make the palace buzz with gossip. So you make do with passing comments and clues that grow with each time they are apparently missed.
Eventually the point comes when the clue has to be the size of a small country. Wrapped up a little in brown paper so you only see a parcel but can clearly see the shape of an elephant inside it. If everyone looks at the parcel they can all see what's inside, but somehow the very person who needs to know may miss the design and just see a mass of paper. And being a clue there's no elephant to unwrap, just a huge elephant shaped package. Short of writing 'This parcel contains an elephant', which of course would tell the world and all the corgis what's there so you needn's have wrapped it at all, what can you do?
So the queen has received the package, and has been looking at it wondering what to do. Maybe it's just an innocent empty box with no more than paper and cardboard. But something tells her it may look a bit like something. Can she see the outline of a trunk or a tusk at the front? Is the whole shape somehow familiar? And if it is an elephant hpw should she reply? Does she need an elephant at the moment? Does she have room for one? She does actually like elephants, but now, and this particular one? She may like elephants, but though the palace is huge and she has room for one, and secretly she'd always liked one, is it really inside or is she now imagining things herself?

Sadly this isn't a fairy story. If it has an ending it hasn't happened yet. The parcel is sitting in the hall being inspected every now and then, but not yet sure both what's inside and whether she wants it if it is, everything has stopped. Of course the gift depends who it is from. She knows it's from you and if it was, could only be a token of how you feel. But you? Send her a present? Why? Of all the people she expected something from maybe the last one she did was you? But this is speculation. She hasn't told you, she may not even have spotted the parcel but had the butler remove it with the rubbish. She gets lots of things sent to her and can't deal with them all personally. So it may not be an ending, and may very well not be a happy one. The queen may even strip you of the lordship for your impertanence so you lose your aristocracy and never see her again. You soon forget you were ever part of the queen's entourage and become part of the masses like everyone else, never mentioning it again except the odd time you're with an old friend late at night, and say, did you know I once knew the queen... Sad ending indeed...

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