Freedom but for what?

A rare free week this week, and no guilt attached as last week I worked more than I have for a while. The challenge is how not to waste it. So far I've taken photos in East Finchley and today got some exercise on my bike going to Staples Corner only to find the camera battery was in the charger so I went back home. I had a long awaited visitor and then a small TV marathon. Wednesday down and two more days to go, with little thought of how they'll be filled. Of course I'll do the camera trip again with a battery, and maybe one in Wembley as well, although I also had my phone tutorial for my current personal development course and was told I'm doing very well.
I have shifted a few ideas, I no longer care about becoming enlightened (and was just told that's a requirement towards it...) and have more or less stopped my new philosophy as I've looked at enough from enough angles to get a picture and have little to add to that. No practical use except to let go and realise I have no power. By looking at ways to improve my life all I found was it can't be done and I just live each day as it is with no reference to beyond, which is how it should be. I used to believe marriage was the cure for most ills but since I have no experience of anything like it can't really imagine it any more to tell. My research has unearthed, as if offered directly, a possible alien connection as described, so telepathy has now extended beyond human sources. The woman I emailed, as well as the TV producer have both not replied, so as usual I continue to work alone. The weird thing is the aliens say to my subjects the only way they can contact me is if I'm regressed by a professional, and you know what, I don't know any. Especially the free sort. The fact I need data and by not charging people it is a lot easier to get it appears not to concern other researchers. Of course there are other hypnotists prepared to regress alien abductees but how many don't charge for it?

Things do grind to a halt and my current tutor on this course says the one thing we aren't supposed to have is guilt. Presumably reformed criminals must learn in other ways but I mustn't be guilty if I feel I've wasted valuable days as you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear, and had I taken my photos would have more to show, but I had a good exercise if nothing more. And now I have to do it again. In a film or religious book I may be being prepared for something, and have to learn how to deal with all adversities before I qualify. That requires God to pull the strings and if not God himself people with comparable power. I also realised I no longer care about personal spiritual status, only to feel good in myself. No prizes or glory, just peace. That is the ego melting and although I still often feel like shit I am no longer carrying so many unhelpful concepts. These things must block progress and maybe when enough are cleared I'll see what's behind them all.

Meanwhile I may end up famous as the last blogger left in 2007, apart from my links it appears a dying occupation. Not while I have internet access it won't be.

Birthday

How anyone can get excited about reaching 47 is anyone's guess, but after 40 I see each year as a badge of survival. I have few if any plans now for the near or distant future, think what I'll do the day before and usually do it. Photos in Highgate tomorrow, if dry. The new sunglasses are great for that, photochromic and no reading part so I can drive and look in all directions without a blurry bit when I'm not reading anything.
An attention to the everyday minor details is something which gets me and many other people through life. Besides having a partner or being enlightened we only really have the little things 99% of the time and may as well make the most of them. I find people I know who go into detail make their life sound interesting, even if sometimes when I've shared it with them found it wasn't. Hull being the best example. However interesting you make it living in Hull can never be more than it is, deadly.

Besides all that I managed to find just over £5 worth of recent antiques for my birthday money usage today, the more expensive stuff wasn't there and besides a few old cars I had similar everything I wanted was dirt cheap for a change. I also have to get new lounge carpets as the others look like a cow lives there. On that front I am faced with another insoluble problem, how to stop living alone. It's not up to me and there's no direct route. From what I read besides a form of prayer/visualisation that's it. I was reminded a third mutual female was around, the first was banned by her mother, the second was too far away and the third was recovered by her ex boyfriend when he heard I was hanging around. I had 3 chances and blew them all. I have no methods and no answers. I accept I am powerless and use my power to do what I can like take photos. All scenes are there already and waiting to be taken. Luckily I find new ones from new angles, and in roads I never used until I pass them on the way somewhere else. And with photobox I can now keep them in a permanent bound book beyond the old print albums I have piled up everywhere.
Seeing no future is scary but realistic, and slowly my attention has to return more and more to the present as that's all there is. Seeing nothing ahead means whatever there is now is likely to continue for eternity, but that's not true either, it's just the mind has to fill the space ahead with something and that's all there is to do it. My minor celebrity never called again despite thinking I did a good job, her loss and privilege if she doesn't want to come back, plenty more do. So, that's the start of 47, as each year passes you get a little more experience and insight and I suppose when you get enough to really make use of it you die. Good system, who thought of it?

To both my fans (if I'm lucky)

I continue to blog. Not that there's much else left to do besides go to bed now, and that is even more boring. So here I am a day later, I have two couples coming tomorrow for my imminent birthday and have enough food to keep everyone happy I hope. I thought of asking another couple I'd really like to see, but besides them declining all but one of my last efforts I got lazy and decided 4 people was easier and less like work. And oddly the two couples coming are different from the two at new year even though they usually all arrive at the same time. One was away so unavoidable and the others were otherwise engaged. Anyway, I can tidy the house a lot easier for visitors than myself and that's what I'll be doing tomorrow. If the weather's OK I'll take the bike out for a few local photos and a little errand, but sadly no sex.

I believe I am actually pretty sane regardless. Agoraphobia, my only real failing, is far from psychosis and can happen to anyone under the right circumstances. My old tablets surpressed most of it until they aggravated my colon and the rest is lavatory (not history). The new ones I hope to collect tomorrow are only taken when I need them so rationed and leave me anxious at times as they work more on the body than the mind, no serotonin effects this time round. The body is like any machine, or computer program. Look at Windows. More temperamental than many women, and people still accept it (given free alternatives). We are millions of times more complex than a machine so of course we fuck up big time, and it's a miracle when we run perfectly. If I had a woman who accepted my problem and never pressurised me to go anywhere it would hardly be a problem as that's the one area you can get pushed into crummy places if you're unlucky, and if I can't I need a woman who wants me more than going to some miserable crowded restaurant. KFC, Burger King and the garden centre were all acceptable in the past and luckily many women learnt to love them as much as I do. Anyway, I am sensitive full stop and whatever winds you up tends to wind me up ten times more, unless it's personal in which case I don't care as I'm pretty comfortable with myself. I mean environmental stresses and that's just the knob on my sensitivity was turned up too high.

Bearing all that in mind I carry on living, and my boundaries vary constantly as my nerves do. The camera has been my lifeline and seeing people appreciate my photos makes a lot of difference. Today was relatively free and the good news was I got all the little jobs done besides actually fill my prescription as it was too late, but that's easy. For the first time on this computer the task manager shows something is amiss as after a go slow I closed all windows and it's still not only running about 80% of a 1 meg RAM, but says it isn't when I look at running applications. No doubt a reboot will cure all but as I described the bugs in Windows it went ahead and demonstrated perfectly. The boredom seems only to have been catching up as an anticlimax around bedtime, as it well would in my situation. On Sunday I hope to find out if one of the loves in my life (one sided) saw me on TV last week and what she thought. Besides being too young and with another man and his baby, and from an educational level probably closer to the middle ages than postgrad I fell for her the first time I saw her huge backside in the reception area. She lost the weight after the baby, but was no less attractive with it and possibly better looking. But apart from looking like an angel, on paper our credentials would be maybe a 1% match but in reality we get on and I would do anything for her if it would make a difference. It shows how crap these agencies are who think they can tell us which of their members are right for us. No way Jose. Give us the ads and leave us to it. No fake pretence of expertise, next these buggers will tell us what we want to eat from a menu and what music we like. Silly c**ts. It's all marketing and it doesn't work on me. I think that's it, and I only use that word when I really mean it. Cynical cack I doubt even one of them believes. Only we know who is right for us, and possibly people who know us, but that's it. The rest is just deception.

Busy for a change

Well, following the two days of work (notice the font experiment there?) I have the many days of not work, with my birthday saturday people coming although the birthday's actually on Monday everyone wants to come on a saturday or not at all. I did my required photos today, and though variations of a theme not that many people would go to the trouble of recording the whole north half of Finchley Road, and though some is thoroughly dreadful I got some good shots. I intend to go as far as Swiss Cottage, but as I started off in Temple Fortune in the park and the traffic was building up I stopped just short of Frognal Station and went back via the posh parts of Cricklewood which were quite photogenic.

I've always collected something, from coins to rocks to train tickets, and now photos. Then I'll be picking candidates for my second hardback album, and will offer the next to the library as well. Only some pretty dire shopping tomorrow before my mum, mainly food for saturday, and tidy the house for the same reason. After the decorator the dining table was piled with junk which I removed in minutes for new year, and this time it's the kitchen. Meanwhile I am deliberately sitting here as much as possible just for the pleasure of using the new computer knowing it nearly all works, and is so quick. Anyone who's tried recently will have seen my yahoo webcam is down, that's them not me, it works on messenger but not on the website for ages and I just emailed them. On the work front neither new visitor has called back, one was an academic enquiry rather than a new regular but the other was a potential longer term but apparently not. They all even out, and the suitable ones continue.

Otherwise little to report but the current policy of living a day at a time is working as frankly most of the apparent future is dead if I imagine it but in reality each day has been fairly full. And when there's so little happening you really notice every little part of your life like paying money in the bank atm and buying pizza. Normally they are unregistered parts of a fuller life but when that's all there is then they register as big as a night at the theatre or flight to France. It is relative. And in the house all the things you do mean 100 times as much when shared with someone else as I just about remember. If by some miracle more actually happens (in a good way) tomorrow/in 2007 than I expect I'll be all the happier, but that is by the grace of the powers of chaos, not me.

Wednesday as it was

Back on the new computer, all installed now minus Microsoft Office (why?), and practicing for a media career in any way I can. Big or small writers are only as successful as they become by persistence. The fact I enjoy it plus can work from home and they get paid pots makes it the most attractive career move I can think of, and by networking and years of voluntary work hope eventually someone will pay me for a piece and then a regular spot. Age is no barrier, I was 45 at my first speaking TV appearance followed by my second this week and discussions are under way for more.

I am adding a general appeal to those readers also on blogger, for goodness sake pull your fingers out and bloody well write. If life goes on there is always something to write about. Sod the quality, just get on with it, I want continuity and am fed up reading three blogs as no one else is left who writes them I know of. However much I may write I still read even more and like to know what people are doing. It's free so no excuses.

I've been working this week, amazingly enough. After the gas bill from another century in the future something had to fill the gap and I've been gradually doing so since Tuesday, ending this evening. OK, neither of the two new visitors appear to be returning, but both were interesting and one was a minor celebrity so that was worth it alone. So tomorrow hopefully I'll be off to Golders Green for more photos, and dinner with grandma. Meanwhile despite having little to look at I'm tied to the computer just because I can use it, plus there's no one else to talk to. After being asked about my love life I realised besides being zero I didn't care. I realised there's little I can do about it (as with enlightenment) and left it to fate. Enlightenment is a bit different as I realised I don't care if I am any more, I can survive as it is as long as life improves a bit. I would like a woman but aren't making any more effort as it makes no difference either way. The women on my system of course are doing their own thing. One sent me an email and all I need to know is when she blooms in the spring will it be as a friend or more? The other is not even a friend yet as until she decides she has the time to meet me (how long does it take?) she won't have got that far. The third was given a really big hint after ducking the last ones, and shot it right back at me. Eliminated. The fourth is actually a mutual attraction but there is a third party preventing that from being completed. And she lives as far as anyone can before becoming impossible to visit. Like being at the top of Everest there is just enough oxygen to survive but no more. She used to live almost at that point but moved miles south to the borderline of the known universe, near Surrey. It might as well be Penzance except she travels this way for pleasure, but not yet for my pleasure.

I am pretty well occupied recently but at the end of the day when it all goes quiet and I'm alone and have to go to bed alone it still can hit me. Tomorrow is always another day, mine is free and I hope keeps up the momentum of activity as we really have a lot to put up with at times.

Progress at last

More and more times when I only blog because I can, despite little to add. Maybe that’s why so many people drop off sooner or later, or alternatively are doing so much they needn’t write as well. Not me. Besides having no one at home to talk to it’s something to keep me occupied and pushes me when I have little to report to see what I can make from nothing, like proper journalists have to all the time.

Little high spots were meeting a possible minor celebrity (depends how you’d define one but…), and seeing my second TV speaking part just now, I think I managed about two minutes, double my debut time, and I even got on the credits which is a first. Next month my third appearance will be released on the internet though I will have to make sure they don’t charge me to watch it (god forbid). As it’s in the can at least there’s a chance once they realise showing a programme exclusively on mobiles and internet will get 3 viewers who clicked by accident, (not advertising the schedules doesn’t help) they really should put it out on Sky One who are the owners of it. My Discovery Kids programme averages 20,000 a showing and the other about 50,000, Sky One is more like half a million. If Channel 4 do the abductee programme which they are thinking about think 3 million plus. Even a minute or two will raise me into the proper TV personality level as it’s not what you do (proved by Jade Goody) but how many people see you doing it. Literal quantity over every other consideration. Maybe eventually I’ll not only do another one but even get paid for it. These media guys are weird, they either get people to do things for nothing knowing the publicity is payment enough, or pay silly figures for doing hardly anything. I know people who do ads and voice overs, appear for maybe 30 seconds and get £60 (this was years ago) per showing, maybe 20-50 over a year. Immoral but true.

I told the people at the gym to switch on both shifts of it today (1.30 and 5.15), they saw the early one and hopefully another bunch of staff will have seen the next episode, plus my video recorder at home recorded it this time. I am now in possession of a new computer. It includes disk drives from my old one for economy, retaining the parts that still functioned but replaced the circuits with brand new Intel cutting edge equipment 3 times more powerful than I had before. I’m not at home so won’t be installing it for a day or two but have already tested it offline. Typically there are bits missing, ie Microsoft Office, present in every previous computer, but I think I can get one this week. Little else really, the week ahead (bad habit but interesting to compare how predictable they are) has few arrangements, very little work and nothing socially, and the photo trips are all the further ones as I completed 3 last week locally. And I saw many new places in roads parallel to ones I’d seen already so possibilities always exist to find gold nearby without having to look in new areas.

People asking me about women this week reminded me how dead that area is. I’m busy so past caring. The older woman finally picked up the hint about my interest and replied basically she was too old. Fancy that. Is her clitoris aware of this I wonder? I doubt it. That responds regardless of the age of the tongue but she has clearly decided to forgo that particular opportunity. The other woman will return but even when she does if she is one who waits for her tenth date (with luck) if we average two dates a year you can see that’s not really going to take off. And she gets on my nerves already. Woman three (trying to meet for the first time) is silent and absent but I believe will get in touch, and that’s my lot. The ex girlfriend (almost) intends to drop in one time she’s in the area but with her boyfriend surgically grafted to her chest (despite vowing never to live with a man again) I’m not up for any action there, and she does live 50 miles away though if she was interested I’d suggest moving as it would be the only way to see her very often. I expect despite not having seen her for a long time I’d be up for the whole thing but she has been burnt once and won’t risk it again. I can’t imagine if and where I’ll meet the next woman I try, and as I said am past caring. It’s what I would call a by product of life and without suffering the ordeal of speed dating have no other way of encouraging it to happen. You hear about so many counselling clients coming on to their counsellors but after 15 years I’m still waiting. OK, I have had a few hints but they’d have to be pretty special for me to change my role and we have to give up counselling first before anything else can happen. And others tell me it does, but never to me.

Many questions, no answers, one conclusion to an awaited TV appearance. I now accept certain problems have no solutions and situations can’t be helped, part of non attachment, and you have to carry on knowing it’s outside our power to affect these massive areas of life but it doesn’t matter as that’s the way it’s designed. Better to work on the areas you can change and knowing the others just leave them to work themselves out their own way. Less work anyway.

If anyone actually cares...

Friday's just ended, so any answers that were needed are here. Pretty mundane and basically my own efforts at forcing myself to keep busy and not bored.
This week I have: Taken 3 sets of photos, been out once on my bike, had a few work appointments and otherwise followed the regular routine. I have collected some nice new pictures, and the TV people here can go to hell as I can make my own video on Sunday when I'll be on again rather than wait for hell to freeze over before they send me one.

So having summarised 3 days in a short paragraph (not like me at all, is it?) what else can I say?I hate those minimalist entries nearly as much as the ones made up of links to other sites. If those other sites are so good it must mean you think your own efforts must be crap. I rarely remember how to post links, and do so even more rarely here. I want you to look at this, not some other place. Why promote the competitors?

Anyway, more work tomorrow (more than I'd like really) but business is business. Then to the gym etc as every Saturday. The new computer is also due though I won't be here to use it for a couple of days. I did see an unusual car plate on the way home today which took me an hour to identify as a UK temporary plate. OK, I may as well add it here as I have more pictures to offer than words today.

303 is the serial number, Q is for temporary and 56 is late 2006-early 2007. You won't see many of these around. My case is closed...

Yesterday continued

Today seems like yesterday in the atmosphere, admittedly I did see a few work related visitors but the evening ones either switched to tomorrow or vanished altogether. After the last one I did the computer things, watched 2 hours of TV then went out on my bike and bought a few things from the corner shop. Then I came home and face absolutely nothing. Apart from doing this which seems pretty pointless, there's nothing on TV and little else worth doing. No one to talk to is a real punishment, especially after so long.

Meanwhile I am continuing to aspire to become a real writer, despite this laptop writing five words at a time and then freezing. It's really not designed for regular use. Then five letters. Yahoo messenger appeared to be responsible but no, it's just a shit computer. It's like turning the clock back 7 years to my 1st 1gb effort which had to be changed when I couldn't get a radio player on. No news on the new one yet, I would have had it delivered tomorrow if ready but that seems pretty remote now, the only delivery I'll get are the flowery excuses how hard it was to transfer the data and the old drive wasn't as big as I really need and he had to order another one which was out of stock and unless he goes to Southampton will have to wait for his company to restock in March. I don't intend to be without a PC beyond this week and he should give me his own computer if he can't stick to plans.

Tomorrow (I hate talking ahead but nothing else has happened to mention) I hope to go to NW11 (Golders Green and around) for more photos and a visitor in the evening. No other ideas. My business visit is urgent now and am waiting for another arrangement after today's vanishing act. I can't even think of what to do for the rest of the evening... Being alone has really caught up with me, after all these years it's hardly surprising I'm running out of solitary pursuits and avoiding the demanding ones. As much of a test as anything else, the teachings I read tell me to rise above such negativity and if you can once you will always be able to, and you can't learn how without such an opportunity. Who can tell so I'll have to see.
Not a lot more to say, I have a video planned for youtube to attract more abuse and just signed up with Fame TV (I can't watch it) but you have to pay a couple of pounds per video so I'll have to think about it. Being in the big brother house would have to be an improvement right now, surrounded by all sorts but not bored at least. Just driven insane. But you don't need to be there for that to happen, I'm well on my way already.

God it's boring...

What a boring week and it's only Tuesday. I literally blame living alone as you can't be out all the time and when you are you still need people to see rather than walk the streets on your own. Besides my TV appearance on Sunday there's little or nothing I can think of to keep me busy besides a little work and a couple of possible visitors tomorrow and Thursday. Like when there's nothing on TV and I've run out of websites to trawl (it does happen) I've done the same for life itself. TV has schedules but the few in life are usually only work related, the others being complete surprises. As it was raining I made a local photo trip today and got some nice results (see Flickr link as usual), with work tomorrow so little to think about for 24 hours anyway besides will I get out and back before my 1st appointment.

My old computer is gone but the new one the equivalent of a sperm in the testicle of the manufacturer. IE he hasn't begun building it. So until possibly Saturday I'm using a 9 year old laptop which is fine on the net but like my Amstrad WP if I try and run programs. Which is why I need a decent PC. When it gets dark at 4pm and is cold/wet it's a struggle to think of any reasons to go out besides taking photos of almost identical paths and railway lines. Besides housework which is hardly urgent I return to the computer unless there's actually something better to do. Which is becoming rarer and rarer. Any time a miracle is really needed now is a good example. I am using the ear drops as yet with no results, identical symptoms coming and going but these things usually take a while to go. That slows me down to under 50% as everything is an effort in comparison to normal. Sometimes the sense of humour can hide under piles of boredom and you can never let it out by choice.

So, Tuesday so far, work tomorrow, Thursday unknown as I'm waiting on 2 phone calls, and Friday afternoon free. I am becoming an expert in planning ahead so I don't wake up and have nothing to do. So far it's only a day or two ahead but as I'm heading east on Friday (E. Finchley) that may dictate what I do first except I don't have to be there for ages after it gets dark so I'm not sure what I'd do if I took photos and stayed around the area. I have one person I can visit and if this bug goes away should be OK to do so. Technically I'd be fascinated to know if anyone has a life as boring as mine has become. So boring I literally can hardly imagine anything else. I still look at every house for sale where I'd like to live, I just saw an amazing 4 bed detached in Hendon for about £300,000 less than it would be over the border (NW11) although just over the road. Not that I have the money but I can move in more easily in my dreams. But I'd need someone with me otherwise wherever I go it's the 'Chicago exam' situation, where I heard I'd failed my accountancy exams when in Chicago which showed my problems just follow me wherever I am. I suppose after 13 years away I could do with returning to the old area, this may look nice in places but is very downmarket nowadays and really would prefer to be surrounded by professionals, however hostile. Just in my own environment. If just one got to know me I could ignore being ignored by the others. Maybe I could even take up babysitting again, which I did from 16 to 32 when I got a regular job and couldn't stay up so late in the evenings. At least it gets me out of the house. Like anyone's going to employ a 50 or so year old man to get £3 an hour and run of the kettle instead of a schoolkid or old lady. Mind you if they had broadband I could just sit and get paid for playing games all night which I couldn't do back in the past.

I do see phases come and go throughout life, and hopefully this gap may be another one, and things could liven up even tomorrow. Projecting the present ahead is innacurate, but I just can't see many ways it would change besides being able to take photos later after March though by then I doubt I'll have anywhere left to take. I can't even order my prints yet as they're all on my PC which is currently in peril of losing all its data. Been there, done that, can never rely on saving it.

Cognitive shifts

Nice, the new blogger's finally working and signed me in on its own, and displays my blogtoplist number. 73 looks very good but on the list itself it's not me there so not sure what the number means.
Meanwhile a couple of points have become clear from my research into the hidden levels of the universe. Enlightenment ought to be genuine simply as all the teachers from Buddha onwards have independently described and taught methods to reach a state they claim they share. Now having used various meditations and easily reached states albeit rarely repeated they claimed were possible, why not the ultimate state as well? It may of course be apparently almost impossible but so is becoming a billionaire. But one is definitely both real and possible but fucking hard work, and I'd guess the same goes for getting married- I mean enlightenment.
The second is my telepathy theory of alien channelers. I realised though the mechanism has to be telepathy, you do not receive information about workable antigravity technology and matter transport and manipulation from human sources as we don't have any. That leads to the question assuming the tests that are being carried out as I type that are gradually verifying the methods as theoretically accurate where on earth (not on earth) are they getting it from? My next project.

Back to the mundane, I am now on nice eardrops which are designed to fix my little problem. Fingers crossed and all that. Things have gone pretty quiet at the moment, the diary has some visitors pencilled in for the coming week and if the ear problem clears up I can be a lot more active again. Usual photo trips planned for places like Golders Green and now someone sent me the lost website www.geograph.co.uk with local views of nearly every corner I've visited and intended to visit. Nothing yet in Temple Fortune so I'm ahead on that. My new computer is due to arrive tomorrow, though besides speeding up the system isn't going to change what I use it for. And I need a haircut apparently so that may well be on the cards. And of course Sunday my TV programme is on again and as in the afternoon whatever the video does or doesn't do (I won't be home to police it) I'll see it 3 weeks after it was first on. The stupid buggers don't realise if UK publications don't print their schedules no one will know they exist. Scrolling to channel 721 on cable is not something I was likely to do, especially as the new technology scrolls like an Amstrad word processor, a line every 20 seconds. Actually the Amstrad was quicker. How much space does the Radio Times need for a few extra columns a day? Beats me. The only schedules are online and unless you knew the channel existed already wouldn't know what to look for. Catch 22.

The new blogger switched off our interest and other profile links (to be replaced by tags, like TV? is that the same?) and when I used the old version I couldn't find anyone who had posted since 2005. Maybe they've pulled the system and haven't added the new additions. Or no one else has added apart from me and my linked blogs. I'll have to try some tags next but unlike trivia and supernatural which raise similar work to mine, cats, cars or computers will be random and unlikely to find one worth reading. Strange method they've decided on.
Other plans? You tell me. It's gone very quiet round these ways, and having heard a sarcastic comment on TV about the most exciting thing they did was a visit to Boots had I found them open yesterday that would have been exactly my own. I don't care, I now appreciate every person I meet and every place I go. Take nothing for granted, they can stop at any time and when they come back you realise their value. Holidays may be for 3 weeks a year, normal life would be 49. You have to bring the holiday to the normal life, not spend the normal life waiting for the holiday, which may be crap anyway. I happen to have it forced on me but it was a good practice anyway, make your world like it is on holiday every day and you may find you don't even care about going away after that. It can easily be done.

End of another week

Quite a lot of activity in the last few days actually, my sunglasses came after a week and I got some cracking photos over the road there on my flickr link. The sunglasses look pretty good and besides not having the reading portion I'd wear them all the time. I then was told the TV programme I missed on the 2nd will be on on the 21st so the people who are meant to send me the video are redundant now. Technically if 20,000 average watch each programme each repeat will add that many more. Plus the three I tell who can actually get Sky.
Tescos are a total bunch of wankers. A week or so after asking where my CD was they said they'd cancelled the order without telling me. I found the track on itunes for 79p and burned the damn thing myself. Stupid bastards. So the main item on my list is guaranteed now, seeing my programme. Besides sex and the supernatural getting on TV has to be the biggest buzz in my life. These tapes are kept indefinitely and my grandpa who died in 1998 was on TV yet again at Christmas in a film they show nearly every year which is older than me. Now had I swore or farted in my programme and they kept it it could be on an out take show for the next 20 years.

Few other immediate plans but so much done already it's hard to think of more. I saw a doctor friend this evening who got me eardrops, which should start tomorrow. Just a simple ear infection we hope and a simple treatment. The TV programme next week coincides with the football at the YMCA but I asked if they could show it in the gym so all the staff could see me. As long as I turn up and ask nicely it's a 50-50 chance though the sunday trainer is one of the nicest ones. So nice I'd marry her actually, she's probably about 22 but that would only put her off not me. Too much of my material is fantasy for my liking. We all want more but most is impossible or unlikely. Instead we get reality and much of that is recycled old junk. And apparently I need a haircut already.
Of course there are many new photos planned, the last were similar to old ones but quite unique. I hope some of the places I find round Wembley are different as they are all ones I've never seen before, and more of the M1 with the railway alongside it. You can't photograph BR trains as they go too fast, you'd just see a blur unless you had an SLR and special film. Plus they run so rarely I'd have to wait 15 minutes and they are gone in a second. The one I took had stopped for maintenance or a red signal otherwise it could never have happened. Unless I donned my anorak and waited at a platform for a train to arrive. I have done that in the past but not on the digital.

I did say goodbye to my computer today after 3 years, the ethernet, floppy drive and now outlook express are well and truly fucked and the new one on Monday will be 4 times faster. Hopefully more reliable with a new Windows and Intel chip as opposed to the AMD nasty copy and replica Windows XP, as I discovered after it arrived home. That's all behind me now anyway. Well, little else to report, no women short or medium turn as far as I know, sod all work and little else. Unknown doesn't mean impossible though so we will see.

Time stands still

How two days can be so different. Yesterday was a rare success as not only did the local library service accept my book of photos they paid me to buy a new one for myself. Makes a change. I took loads of pictures on the way back and posted 22 on flickr. The ear infection finally started improving in the evening, though I know as long as it's there it'll swing back and forth, but this was the first time I felt better and the pressure went so my stubborn determination to beat it without medical treatment may win despite the majority's disbelief. I really see it as a personal challenge and presumably most people in the 3rd world can't get treatment for these common things and don't die or become seriously ill either as a result. We assume there is only one way of doing things just because we are taught there is but sometimes we have to challenge the assumptions, and I've always been the first to do so.

So the anticlimax today when my earache returned and then the neighbour demanded my presence for his accounts only to call and tell me to wait an hour or so as he was going shopping. I knew it would take longer and it's been over 2 hours already and I have someone coming over later. I can't do a thing here in case he calls except piss around and blogging has been described as the ultimate pissing around by some though I disagree. With idle time and mind I'll review some of the recent possibilities.

The older woman is metaphorically dead and buried, my latest hint got the reply about age differences but I'm past caring now. The next called me but decided not to visit (this time) though I wasn't feeling 100% yesterday so probably better that way. The third is still in touch but is the longest haul of any woman I've actually started to see, and the fourth said she'd call when she had some time to meet me for the first time and I trust her.
Postally my glasses are overdue (how they expected them to be here today after ordering them Monday I don't know), I emailed Tesco to say my CD hadn't arrived and the auto response said they are snowed under (I wonder why...), my photo book is due tomorrow or Friday so I'll be woken up again, and the computer is due to be replaced over the weekend. And most important of all I'm still waiting for my video of the TV appearance, promised this week. Quite a bit set up, though right now am in the eye of the storm and instead of peace it's boredom plus apprehension of the stultifying work ahead, if he gets back in time to do it today. Apart from some filing I don't even know why he didn't bring the work here as I can do it all on the computer but who the hell can read his mind.

The blog list I added has a few thousand blogs and mine was around 70-90th and then the number disappeared altogether. Besides not believing my blog was in the top few percent with 10 hits a day the whole system seems to have failed now. Presumably by voting for me, which is working, it may be repaired, though the stupid sods don't prevent voting for your own blog (so easy to stop) but I won't cheat. Well it's 50-50 whether I'll be able to do the accounts today and I'm busy tomorrow so bugger it. But if I put the kettle on or start any sort of housework he'll arrive so it's a totally trapped situation like a bloody prisoner. I can't turn down work, I only have 1 client and that's a discount so can't pick and choose. Admittedly if my ear was OK I'd be far happier but the fact it improved so much last night proves it can. I appear to be on a bit of a mission to test life's boundaries and that includes ignoring advice as your own intuition (with many years of experience added) tends to know better.

Funny, if I look elsewhere for answers I rarely find them, when I stop needing to I get lots but not the right ones. Life sucks at times...

Opposite day

Who remembers opposite day in Seinfeld when George had been doing so badly he decided to do the exact opposite of everything and it did actually work? Well I'm in a life where every day is the opposite day to everyone else, as I've been reminded recently. I've had a job once, such a long time ago, but only part time. Due to a 3 year college course I couldn't work full time throughout then and the last 'real job' I had was in 1989. I still worked after that but part time was all I found after 2 years searching. I've paid my bills regardless but of course some people disapprove. What harm am I doing? None. Probably jealousy in many cases as they wish they could do that as well.

Why everyone should have jobs, especially when there aren't enough for everyone, is a joke. Of course no one needs to work 40 hours a week now, if we all did 3 days a week even I could find something as I could apply for everything instead of jobs only women with kids take after they start school. I got mine through friends or simply walking in places and asking. Rarely the usual ways. When the final effort lasted a week the time came to change direction and I studied for more qualifications since, and at least am now able to earn fairly well for the few hours I do get, as much as I did for a day in my last real job. So not so silly after all maybe.

This week has an unusal number of projects that may bear fruit. My TV programme video is due, my sunglasses will arrive, and I have a few likely visitors. And where I'm an opposite other people follow my route and accept it. OK, so far the candidates have been as rough as they come in various ways, but somehow it has to happen eventually. My American friends are so uninhibited compared to this lot but unfortunately not here. But the years I wasn't working my family took the benefit with endless trips to supermarkets and hospitals which I couldn't have done if I had a job and there's no one else in the family really. Explain that to the disapproving DSS staff who told me a sick person could start a part time job and then find they could easily do full time. Like we could win the ashes this year. Different universes apparently and they inhabit one occupied by fairies. They ought to go to one of the healing services and make everyone get out of their wheelchairs and walk. They are told to do this by their superiors and are not the slightest bit bothered whether they believe a word of it, they just want people off the dole and by suggesting the lame can walk and the blind can see apparently they think they can con people to take jobs they are physically and mentally incapable of doing. And people wonder why I complain when I have to hear this shit from our government representatives knowing their true plans.

It is clear and obvious not a single problem anyone suffers would be better if shared. When I'm alone, especially at night, there's no protection. I get it full on with no reduction. I don't even bother to describe the worst things as I don't want total strangers to be dragged down as well. Just trust there are things that haunt me at times and they all add to the general picture. It even indirectly affects my health and slows me down considerably. Even when any problem has no solution being with someone else makes it seem less direct. Oddly my family mainly prefer to live alone. OK, they had someone with them many years longer than I did so maybe feel less isolated but alone is still alone and they all seem quite resigned to it unlike me. My grandma is the exception and my exception where I couldn't live as I'd have no freedom. Apart from having to work out where to have sex (yes, I do manage it sometimes) the rest would all be an improvement. And that ought to have an easy solution. If we had millions it may be possible to find somewhere big enough to split in two and maybe get someone to share with me, but we haven't.
So, tonight the only question is did the video arrive today when I was out? Unlikely actually but technically possible. Then if not will it arrive this week? The digital photos will be an added bonus, especially if they let me post them here. And I have to find comfort in the small things, new photos, bits of shopping etc., as that's all there usually is. Nothing special but how many people do? Having a partner is special, if you've got the right one. Living in a family. The most social activities where I am is when two cats from over the road sit in the street together. Honestly. No wonder I sound like I'm losing it...

Shopping list

This looks like a reverse shopping list when I review what I'm going to write but that's how it's been and how my mind organises it. Partly for the critics and employers who imply I don't do enough, so I keep a record of what I do to remind myself I'm not totally idle. Anyway. Yesterday I finally caught the opticians open, they're not nearly as cheap as my usual ones but as I was there I picked some ancient frames and appear to have been given a major discount if they charged me correctly, and they should be here on Wednesday. The frames are the gold pilot style I had when I was 15 and liked them then as well.
I did a few miles on my bike in the rain yesterday as it was just light enough not to get soaked and having missed Thursday due to the boilerman's urgent arrival wanted to make up for it, and found the River Brent despite opening up into a fairly reasonable flow after the Welsh Harp reservoir is locked away behind railings and buildings. But I knew where to look and you'd barely realise by the pictures I took.

Next week I have a few things to look forward to. The video of my programme the most important, then my glasses and then my new computer which is delayed a week for parts. The cd seems stillborn and will need to give Tesco a rocket up the arse for their debut cockup. I'm ordering my next lot of photo prints plus a new hardback book for me without mistakes, the old one is going to our library service.
This week has really been a struggle against conditions. Failed boiler, rain, unreliable people, unreliable machines, the usual crap. It's pissing down now, not that I had many places to go and have a few trips next week to follow railway lines and motorways with the camera. Ultimately I've seen already a picture of people sitting in a room with a picture of them sitting in it on the wall. I've reached a stage where I'll have photos of the views out of the windows on the wall where all you have to do to see them is look out of the window. Each photo I have can be seen by going there but the further you go the harder they are to see, plus not everyone knows where to look. Wickliffe Avenue for a start. This is a dead end road in Finchley I never knew existed, and thought I was still in Hendon as when I approached it from the rear the brook meant I'd left Hendon and all I saw were buildings, not knowing where they were. I'll go up the front of the road next in case it has any more places worth seeing. The brook is about 6 miles long and splits from the Brent in Hendon and ends in High Barnet. It divides districts and creates parkland along its entire length with dead end roads as few were built across it despite being about 10 feet wide. This is Britain where they expected people to ride their horses through rivers, not build bridges.

I admit to becoming pretty bored by the end of the week. I have a bit of an ear infection which has affected my balance on and off and am doing my best not to need antibiotics. That has slowed me down after 100 earlier reasons, it didn't stop me doing a thing thank goodness but made me struggle to do them all. I love adding to numbers though and when I add 3 miles on my bike despite rain I feel satisfaction. My bike is 54 years old I think, I swapped it for the other one which was 50 as it was lighter and only when I went to buy parts for it was told it was older than the other one which I bought when I moved to Oxford in 1988. I had it till 2001 when my mum's neighbour gave up his old bike and swapped it. Then I saw the Peugeot in a shop which I had to ride 15 miles for a tenant who moved and was quicker than any other, but would mean peeing around with mine and decided it wasn't worth the trouble at the time, and now regret it. Too late now.

So despite havoing to wait another week this computer works besides the floppy drive and ethernet as I paid dearly for it to be repaired a month ago may as well get some more use out of it. Call it a motherboard and mine would be prosecuted for neglect of duties. You can't repair the fuckers, £60 for a replacement and AMD processors do only last a few years as they are copies of Intel but heat up and have complex circuits. They are a total waste of money. I won't be getting one in future, assuming the new computer packs up though my laptop is 8 years old and going strong. Well, as I said, a mixture of the dullest details possible, as that is life here. Under instructions to be aware of my being and not be sucked into my thoughts I see that as a challenge and something to compare my future progress with. Who knows, I am told it is possible.

Thursday's review

It's a dirty job but someone has to do it. Writing with little to report. England are officially the worst cricket team in the world not that long after being the best. How the mighty fall. How people like me almost feel responsible for a team's ups and downs is a mystery considering we don't play for them, but that's sport. Anyway, talking about sport is for plebs so enough of that.

I am dragging the bottom for ideas, and just thought of contacting a TV producer I worked with in 1978 to report about a mutual friend who introduced us who recently died. I hope she gets the email as it was a miracle I found anywhere to contact her but it has to be forwarded so she may still not get it, and then not necessarily reply. I've also requested copies of the digital photos the TV company took of us for my latest programme (why I didn't take my own is only down to being too busy to think of it, and expected theirs to be enough), as well as waiting daily for my video of it to arrive which I missed on Tuesday. Tesco.com have reliably failed to deliver my CD after 3 weeks and I'll have to fill in a refund form somehow. I suppose as good ideas come to me one in ten maybe get anywhere, possibly more, though from the people who do reply it's usually a hello, often followed by 'who are you?'. My memory is clearly better than 90% of the population, I wonder how other people can't recall people and events photographically as I do as we're all wired up roughly the same but apparently not. I see my mind as a well ordered filing system and see each area as pigeon holes with plenty of spare memory space between them. Helps me do quizzes as well.

So though my hits here have dropped off my flickr site has replaced the numbers for now with 50 hits a day this week. Taking photos almost every day and commenting on others is why, and the sad state of blogger with people dropping off each day till only a handful are active is the same for everyone here, not just me. But if there are few active blogs at least mine will stand out as one of them. I hope. I remember when I had to delete comments as there were so many though mostly from the same nutcase, and now if I get one a month it's a bonus. I still read every blog on my list plus a few more, but even though one's died a year ago (I must remove it) and some only post every few months I always check them. The next miracle is whether the opticians open till 6 tomorrow (no they won't, I've sussed them out, the time shown is a maximum, not an actual one) and then whether my TV producer replies. The video won't be here before Monday at the earliest, so will either come when I'm not here or wake me up as of course they only deliver mornings. I think if they ever went back to 2 deliveries I'd offer to do some late ones as it's the sort of job I like if only a few hours a day in the afternoon.

So, tomorrow is free again, all my work has dried up for now bar one, and besides photos and housework very little else to do with the time. One or two more speculative calls on their way just in case I get lucky, but can be embarrassing to chase people who hardly know or remember me, but there's no one else left. Networking for business and pleasure means you have to knock on hundreds of doors in case anyone answers. No one does my marketing for me besides my inside contact who gets me the TV work, but socially I'm certainly on my own. People don't chase me except the retards (can I say that?) and spongers and all the decent ones are long gone. Not even my fault, I just don't fit in any more. So I drift from project to project and every now and then make a little progress but with no lasting results. Yet.

Another day off

One more day free, once I could leave the house when the activities dried up it was pissing down so I've stayed put on the phone since as I am right now. OK, off now. So many people like to talk at the moment. My mum came earlier for a while and the next visitor delayed until pulling out altogether so I decided to clear my software pileup and actually fixed my DVD burner which crashed my computer for weeks. It was under guarantee but the customer services at PC world are modelled on the queue for hell and nothing could make me want to go through that yet again. I think Currys next door was even worse and now I won't buy anything at these superstores as when they inevitably go wrong or arent't what they advertised it's an ordeal worth every extra penny spent in a small local shop to avoid that experience just for a greater selection. The fact the new computer will have a built in one doesn't matter, having a spare can never hurt and I just saved 2 months of photos to cd which couldn't have been done otherwise.

I was about to look out of the front door to see if it had stopped raining and I realised the test match is on, so despite being in here rather than watching it I pay so much for Sky I really feel I should catch bits of it however boring it is now. I may pop out round the block as it's stopped just as a compromise. Tomorrow is free as well, I have a few little plans to keep me occupied and usually manage not to waste the time when it comes. Of course on days off I run out of material after a while, once all the visitors or non-visitors are gone and I've done my internet duties and there's sod all on TV and too early to go to bed it just stops. That's when I need someone else around but where are they?

So, little things sit on the horizon, probably for Monday onwards starting with the new computer and if as promised my next TV programme on video. After the first few people reported in the trickle reduced to a stop and so far I know two people who saw it plus one I didn't. And Discovery Kids has under half the viewers of Discovery Science which I calculated to be about 50,000 at peak times so I assume I got around 20,003 viewers, including the 3 who I told to watch it. I say that for the UK as abroad millions have probably seen them as these shows are international and if I walked into somewhere half way round the world there would be far more chance someone saw me than over here. But it's a start and can only snowball, whether quickly or slowly. And then my sunglasses which I expect will be around Tuesday as I assume they always close early at the end of the week whatever the notice says. Well, the rain's stopped, Clive Bull's first show on LBC after the holidays is finished so I'm off round the block. If there is ever a competition for totally boring lives few could be more so than this at the moment. Making the best of what?

TV and fellatio

Blimey, interesting activity at last! I went to the Discovery Kids website last night to see who to contact about my forthcoming TV appearance and saw the very programme was scheduled for the next morning! I rang the radio as always plus contacted everyone in my address book and just managed to catch it in time. As it was in the morning I recorded it, and woke up to find an advertising and gardening programme on instead. So now I know I was in it but will have to wait for someone to send me a video to see it myself. What a fiasco.
So it's been a busy day. First I got a few rushed photos on the brook at Hendon, as I had to get back in case the cleaner arrived early, and then saw a client. The phone went nonstop since and I saw Chelsea drop another 2 points to Aston Villa (hooray!) on Sky. I also had to make enquiries about fixing my cable box as it clearly can't handle recording from a channel on intermission and they have to send someone round to reprogram it. Though they claimed it never happened before I assume they all work (don't work) the same way and couldn't tell me or I'd sue them. It makes no difference either way if mine's fucked and won't bring my programme back even when they do fix it.

I will go for an exciting walk after this and then who knows (I do) as it'll be late. Play online mahjongg (not any good as this version only has one game so you can't beat your scores). But I don't know any others that are free so it's that or nothing. People coming tomorrow early and late so that's taken care of, and little ahead. I'll probably find the opticians never stay open late on Fridays when I pass, if not I'll have to go back and make a special trip the week after. It was really sunny today driving and dark glasses would have helped.
So, even though I have little idea of the content, I have doubled my media presence overnight and this time more people seem to have watched it though a few emails I sent bounced for absolutely no reason. I have also been told to participate in my enlightenment work with no input from my ind, which I am doing for a while. I will see what happens. At least it'll give my mind a rest and train it to be quieter if nothing more. It does get in the way when it's not being used helpfully and needn't continue in the gaps, as no one else's should.

While my hits here have dropped the ones on flickr have risen to near the level this was when I started. Fashions change but I think visual images will never lose fashion whereas writing themes do continually and I know mine won't vary much. Not that I want it to. It took me 46 years to develop it and apart from switching from facts to jokes more, which is normally involuntary (try asking a comedian to be funny) this is it. I was also just given a huge chocolate cake with maybe 10 pieces in it, I really need some help to finish it. One is coming tomorrow. First eat my cake, then the cock. I can but dream.

First visit of the year

First visit 2007, ok, only a number, but the old gravestone situation is a number ahead for another 12 months but of course when it happens I won't be there to see it. The sort of thing you think about as time passes. Had a nice evening with 2 couples here last night and all brought enough food to open our own shop. No food shortage this week as always after people come over.
More photos today, rained all night, then sunny, and just started raining again which was something. I also checked some roads out around Hendon Way in case they were economical alternatives to Hampstead Garden Suburb (houses the size of Bekonscot, see Google). Not really came the answer. Some nice enough roads, some even looking like Golders Green the other side of the road despite being in Cricklewood (people actually live there?) but even the first road opposite Finchley Road to the west is totally different from HGS as not built by architects. East Finchley by where I lived was the best example. Miles of literal slums (worth half a million there and 30,000 in Middlesbrough, identical slums) on the edge of paradise relatively speaking.
The border has to come somewhere and in similar Blackheath they blocked all the roads to Kidbrooke council estate so it's physically impossible to cross the border from heaven to hell. HGS has no such restrictions and the roads off East End Road are truly Mephistophelean (I never thought I'd use that word in my life...). I literally came home depressed after walking round Oak Lane once, it was like the shamanic trip to rescue spirits from the underworld.

So, 2007 is 17 hours old (my computer says so) and I've been to Golders Green and the better part of Cricklewood (except for the Hocroft estate but they aren't so photogenic), this is life alone in London suburbia. I have a funny short video made last night on youtube (see satguru) though Mandy farted soon afterwards which could have gut me a featured video if she'd managed it in the 41 seconds my camera works for. The funny thing is a DVD camera is the same retail price as the digital with goodness knows how long at full quality, but the still camera is probably worse quality video than a cheap mobile. My friend's even plays back sound while mine only pictures unless you plug it into speakers and download it all first. I got Nick Roach's second book and though I read it before it is filling in many gaps as I read it again. If this leads to anything I will be greatly relieved, after over 3 years of understanding his system and getting apparently nowhere so far. But I see where enlightenment may already exist and trust he is experiencing (as all the other teachers must) something totally different from before otherwise why tell people about it. Makes sense. Now wait and see.