Saturday, January 27, 2007

To both my fans (if I'm lucky)

I continue to blog. Not that there's much else left to do besides go to bed now, and that is even more boring. So here I am a day later, I have two couples coming tomorrow for my imminent birthday and have enough food to keep everyone happy I hope. I thought of asking another couple I'd really like to see, but besides them declining all but one of my last efforts I got lazy and decided 4 people was easier and less like work. And oddly the two couples coming are different from the two at new year even though they usually all arrive at the same time. One was away so unavoidable and the others were otherwise engaged. Anyway, I can tidy the house a lot easier for visitors than myself and that's what I'll be doing tomorrow. If the weather's OK I'll take the bike out for a few local photos and a little errand, but sadly no sex.

I believe I am actually pretty sane regardless. Agoraphobia, my only real failing, is far from psychosis and can happen to anyone under the right circumstances. My old tablets surpressed most of it until they aggravated my colon and the rest is lavatory (not history). The new ones I hope to collect tomorrow are only taken when I need them so rationed and leave me anxious at times as they work more on the body than the mind, no serotonin effects this time round. The body is like any machine, or computer program. Look at Windows. More temperamental than many women, and people still accept it (given free alternatives). We are millions of times more complex than a machine so of course we fuck up big time, and it's a miracle when we run perfectly. If I had a woman who accepted my problem and never pressurised me to go anywhere it would hardly be a problem as that's the one area you can get pushed into crummy places if you're unlucky, and if I can't I need a woman who wants me more than going to some miserable crowded restaurant. KFC, Burger King and the garden centre were all acceptable in the past and luckily many women learnt to love them as much as I do. Anyway, I am sensitive full stop and whatever winds you up tends to wind me up ten times more, unless it's personal in which case I don't care as I'm pretty comfortable with myself. I mean environmental stresses and that's just the knob on my sensitivity was turned up too high.

Bearing all that in mind I carry on living, and my boundaries vary constantly as my nerves do. The camera has been my lifeline and seeing people appreciate my photos makes a lot of difference. Today was relatively free and the good news was I got all the little jobs done besides actually fill my prescription as it was too late, but that's easy. For the first time on this computer the task manager shows something is amiss as after a go slow I closed all windows and it's still not only running about 80% of a 1 meg RAM, but says it isn't when I look at running applications. No doubt a reboot will cure all but as I described the bugs in Windows it went ahead and demonstrated perfectly. The boredom seems only to have been catching up as an anticlimax around bedtime, as it well would in my situation. On Sunday I hope to find out if one of the loves in my life (one sided) saw me on TV last week and what she thought. Besides being too young and with another man and his baby, and from an educational level probably closer to the middle ages than postgrad I fell for her the first time I saw her huge backside in the reception area. She lost the weight after the baby, but was no less attractive with it and possibly better looking. But apart from looking like an angel, on paper our credentials would be maybe a 1% match but in reality we get on and I would do anything for her if it would make a difference. It shows how crap these agencies are who think they can tell us which of their members are right for us. No way Jose. Give us the ads and leave us to it. No fake pretence of expertise, next these buggers will tell us what we want to eat from a menu and what music we like. Silly c**ts. It's all marketing and it doesn't work on me. I think that's it, and I only use that word when I really mean it. Cynical cack I doubt even one of them believes. Only we know who is right for us, and possibly people who know us, but that's it. The rest is just deception.

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