Updating time

Not here for a while as I've found a new albeit short lived hobby. I hadn't been able to collect train tickets since the last small ones stopped in 1996 and besides taking photos didn't have actual items to collect besides model cars which cost a fortune and take up room. But when I found the pre-1963 signs we still have some of in London had been slowly vanishing recently I realised I had to get pictures of every one I could as the government are the enemy. I've spent the time at home researching locations and of course each lot I get is a bit further away so did 60 miles altogether on Friday for the cause. I think they've run out but each day I find another so far and long may it last.

The two women who called me on Friends Reunited are around, one not since then but the other (married...) is back and really wonder how I get the unattainable ones like her although I am well aware marriage in itself is not always a barrier to availability, but usually is to me. And I have looked at every aspect of my being, appearance and personality, and seen nothing particular that would put everyone off simply as I see many worse do perfectly well, plus I have as well in the past. Partly it may be because I treat women nicely it may put some off as they like men to dominate them, plus it also seems to put any off as soon as I fancy them, and attract ones I wouldn't touch with yours who won't leave me alone. That is what seems to do it, the man who doesn't behave differently when they fancy a woman doesn't exist, it's just they either learn to make it work for them or are so attractive the women take no notice what they actually do as they are just waiting to be swept off to bed. We normal guys get mostly the left overs and left behinds, although some women settle for a normal guy after dating the desirable ones long enough to get the shallowness factor out of their system. I learnt with my first girlfriend if there's nothing to talk about after then it doesn't matter how attractive they are they can't be any more than physical.

So more signs await in the forseeable week, Christmas made no difference to my photography as there was no traffic so took full advantage. I saw the family in the evening so covered both bases. Other than that it's business as usual, still getting screwed or ignored by the people that matter but it's in the background now. People promising what they won't deliver, lying, stealing, you name it. But that's human nature at the bottom of the heap and we just have to live with it. And I just heard (you know who you are) not just the EU is imposing blanket carbon taxes on everyone but so is Australia. You see there are two ways to raise tax. Honestly and dishonestly. So income tax is direct and open and people hate it. So they cut income tax but still need the money so have to think of more and more elaborate ways to get us to both pay it and not vote them out as a result. Collusion wins the day now, with governments and parties agreeing on policies so similar you can't vote against anything as they all offer the same. Secondly is false accounting, saying they need it for something which looks like a good cause (eg the child's operation, the flight to the UK and the gold bars offered by our African brothers). The fact the result is identical, ie robbery, seems to be lost on nearly everyone except the intelligent minority who only have the power of the internet to share the truth.

I'm amazed watching TV and listening to similar personal stories how the African gangs take our money so easily with no questions. They pretend to be women, say they love you and then start asking for money, and people pay it? They deserve to lose it, but the rest of us don't. Taxation is never optional and if Al Gore and the rest of them want to invent a different reason to collect income tax we may fall for then it's a done deal. Our atmosphere can and has coped with ten times the CO2 we have now with no trouble (a few hundred parts per million is not the same as if it had been cyanide) and plants love it unlike carbon monoxide which we are not taxed for. But no, tell the people it's as dangerous as curry farts and they say 'Here's some more then'. They are the same as the ones who donate thousands to Ghanaian gangs and basically trust everyone except the ones who are telling the truth as they are either not in authority or offering them sex (which they never get as they piss off as soon as they collect their cash), and the governments exploit the gullibility to feed them more and more fairy stories and cow cakes while they think they'll be given sainthoods for saving the fucking planet. I hope to goodness the lunatics don't end up taking over the asylum but it's the closest it's ever been. God help those of us who actually care.

Keeping busy again

Before I get into my stuff I just heard the latest unemployment figures on the news. Up of course as you'd expect. Now coinciding with the new blitz on benefit claimants, the government have declared war. Not only have they attacked those least able to defend themselves, the sick and incapable, they have done it when the job market is shrinkig drastically. I don't like revenge but believe if someone has to suffer what they do to others it is more like a lesson, or karma. So if Gordon Brown got kicked out, had a breakdown and then had to do tests written by him to claim benefits he may realise what he's actually done. And he knows what he can do with the 2.5% (temporary) VAT decrease. We are being run by heartless sods of all colours politically and would be far better off without them at all. Except possibly Boris Johnson who is moving towards the decent side. There's always one in every pack thank goodness.

I've been chasing up old road signs over a week now, and got 30 different ones now. A few had gone too soon for me to find them, but got the majority and am now left with a final set in the bloody congestion charge area, meaning I either go at the weekend or pay. If I wait till it gets dark after 7 some may no longer be there so that's not an option. But I've done well but wondering what will come next to keep me busy. And weirdly although I've never been contacted first on Friends Reunited in 8 years I was at the weekend, and guess what, twice in the same day! So no one ever contacted me and then two did together. Usually happens to me and many others, far too organised to be random in my opinion.
So besides a trip to Holborn which would have been easier in the summer when I could go after 6 I have got a great collection of rare signs but little left to do now. Things usually turn up, just now when the one TV programme of the evening finished they had a topic about meeting people online on the radio so I called about that. I hope that trend continues.

I'm still learning all sorts of things about human nature, how easy it is to con the public as most believe whatever they're told, and the nature of the evil who carry out these cons. Patterns are everywhere and people can be sorted into types in all aspects. Youtube demonstrates the polar aspects of this as people have no inhibitions, and unlike here there is no pre-moderation so they can and do hit and run. Like schizophrenics who tell me the same voices tell them the same things all these guys seem to be possessed by the same evil but from an inner source. I am learning to deal with them as well as they are the same people who blow up innocent people in India and Iraq but only do what they think they can get away with. One threw a rock at me once on a station platform and many make rude comments while I'm taking photos. All from the single mould of pure evil. Anyone who remembers the last idiot here in my comments box will have seen an example as well. And that was the tip of the iceberg as you can imagine. Most people wouldn't dream of going up to someone either in public, in their house or online and call them names but here it's easy. The relative few who do it are the same who gassed Jews in concentration camps, broke their windows before the last war, and drive with mobile phones in their hands. Big, small, the crime is the same. It is born of evil and expresses itself in the same way however large the offence. The attitude however is the same.

On balance good is there as well, and animals are nearly all good before you start on humans. A rogue animal is rare and if you treat them well they treat you well. People could learn a lot but I fear some are intrinsically unable to understand other people matter so can never be corrected to learn. They call it levels of psychopathy, and the variation is how far they are prepared to go. But the good people are seemingly unable to cross that barrier whatever happens so you can normally rely on them as you can on your pets. But I'd always be more inclined to lend a cat money than a person if you get my meaning. There are far more shades of grey in humanity though.
So the next few days remain a mystery. One photo trip fucked by financial considerations and darkness. And the traffic is just as bad there as it was before from what the reports say. So I'd have to pay somehow (no idea where or what I have to do) and then suffer the jams I haven't experienced since early 2003. OK I'll be glad when I've done it (besides having run out of places to go) but it would be a lot nicer if I could just do it like all the others.

Well a bit of everything today, a week's activities which took me from Enfield to Banstead. But none a patch on the hassle the Holborn one presents to be. Maybe I am wrong but time will tell.

Old road sign collections

Willesden Lane sign
Originally uploaded by satguru.

I have been tracking down and taking these pre 1963 signs as my latest project before they all go, which has provided a fascinating lesson into road history and geography as a result. In 1963 these were replaced by the new ones designed by Worboys, but I remember them as the norm well into the 70s and plenty still exist. In 1994 the local ones which had blue edges became black and strangely fewer exist and are filthy as you can see.

I also saw my second red triangle sign and forgot where, the first being on the corner of my old road and pretty sure I forgot to take it, and also forgot where the new one was although have a vague idea. I'll have to wait a week as it was in Surrey. I've got quite a collection now and half aren't on any other sites either.

In other business after being discredited last week, EON UK announced they couldn't drop prices when wholesale energy went down as the government forced them to spend it on fucking wind power. Literally money up in smoke there as if it was that simple we'd all keep our lights on by lighting our farts and keeping the windows open for a draught. Or something like that. OK, that looks stupid, but it's exactly as stupid as relying on wind power. Meanwhile almost each week new evidence arises disproving any human effect on potential global warming (it's cooled since 1998 remember), how many holes this Leviathan has to get in it before it sinks beats me, but they all need to be made until enough people realise it's fiction.
Plans this week, guess what. Taking more old road signs. I've been doing rail bridges as well and got some bloody good trains and arch bridges, as well as numerous parks which are often next to them. And guess what, from the large heap of messages I sent last month one has replied! Better than nothing, and makes me wonder what hopeless bastards the other people can be as if I actually know someone I learnt as a child to reply when I was spoken to. Too much for them clearly after deliberately announcing their presence on a website like a beacon.

The photos will keep me busy all week now, plus my second repeat work booking so business as boring usual. It's a start but will not actually get me any Nobel prizes or other recognition besides as an anorak but at least that's who I am, and I do it bloody well I think.

Friends old and new.

I'm still working my way round new scenes, a park nearby I saw online on Monday for the first time was the venue for yesterday and a bus in Southgate today. I've had two bunches of calls for work enquiries and one actually booked and he hasn't called since. I had a set of accounts to do over the weekend so slightly busier on the work front but that pays peanuts. But better than nothing. I've continued sending messages to people with a complete lack of results, fancy that. I can't find the list of women I was going to try on the dating site (usual occurence here) but keep looking for new ones. You never know. Just for the curious the main focus of my own social life for years now has literally been the YMCA. It took (like most places here) ages before I even spoke to anyone in the gym where I spend most of the time, the cafe everyone keeps to themselves and at least they've had the odd party there where I chatted to one woman and danced with another older than my mother (apparently). I also had a blind date from hell set up with a member which I described at the time. The social side is extra as it's mainly gym related but I've no idea if others have managed more than I have. But I don't hide away like some people think.

Besides there I did work my way through my mum's Polish cleaners (many far higher qualified than me), but got no more than vague discussions of arrangements and no further. She's also introduced me to a few women who were (apart from her friend) disaster areas, but her friend is nearly as old as her and not up for any funny business. Of course there's always the old standby, funerals. I've asked one woman out from one (no), and had one ask me out (no way!). There's little else to do once the service is over and everyone's back at the house eating. It's at least a way to keep in touch with the relatives who forget we're alive till someone else dies, and then forget again till the next one. My favourite local cousin died young about 20 years ago and the other is American. I've been to see him there once but he comes here every few years since I was born. And he shares my dirty mind which is an added benefit. But with only one (late) uncle all my cousins are my parents' ones as my uncle had no children. I have at least 100 second cousins worldwide from up the road (almost) to Australia but never really had a lot in common with them. As soon as they were old enough to go out on their own we only saw them at weddings and funerals and besides being related may as well have met them on the bus. Tragic really.

I could never think of any reason to drift away from any of my long term friends, besides when they move away, but a few chose to drift away from me for whatever reasons. Fair enough, I did better than most with nearly all my friends being met before I was 17 besides one who also drifted off since. I don't think most people average 20-30 years for most of theirs but I always have. That's another reason I look from the past as even if just one old friend wanted to get involved again it would take the chance element out of the equation. The character from Crouch End clearly got fed up so can't see him bothering although I only have a rough idea where his brother is since they left the area and none about him. One who went back to Holland in the 70s for reasons unknown didn't keep in touch as of course he knew where I was but not vice versa. He was another character and very entertaining. Jacob as described before was run over and killed long before anything could be revived here. Another one ended up a career criminal and vanished once he'd done his last stretch and got married (and then divorced). We went back to 1965 and had looked after me till he buggered off to his new life of crime some 20 years later. He followed me through three schools and regularly bought my lunch (he just did that sort of thing) although it turned out later he'd probably nicked a lot of the money he spread around on other people. Easy come easy go. But he didn't do it to his friends, only made up stories to get me in trouble sometimes but nobody's perfect.

Then there were the people who weren't friends but the class comedians. Maybe if I name a few here someone will find them. I've had it happen before actually although one had a very unusual name, and sadly another death but at least I know everything about her life now. Malcolm Cohen was a Scottish eccentric who'd moved to London and loved to show off 'my father's a lawyer you know' was the main routine (although both my parents are, his were millionaires). He was the class comedian when I was off duty, and could sing and do improvised comedy like a professional or nutcase, depending on your point of view. But bloody hilarious. But there are thousands of people with the same name including a couple where he used to live so that's a dead end. Then a name few could confuse with another, Neil Ralph Dourmashkin. He loved the name so much he'd go around shouting it out at break and was another albeit more anarchic entertainer. He's probably in insurance now with a few kids. Most go that way. Then there was the 'Jewish brigade' at primary school. Not because they were as most of us were, but because they'd kept the names my family and so many others had rejected, and sounded like a roll call in The Bronx. Berger, Berglas, Portnoy, Rappaport, Goodman, Rifkin, Levene, Cohn, which are like music to my ears when reminded whenever I hear them now. I hope more people hang on to their European names as it's an identity lost when each is lost to an English version or worse still something randomly chosen. Cohen for Horsebox as a comedian pointed out.

Well now I know if anyone googles Neil Dourmashkin my blog will turn up as probably the sole hit. The number of times I've googled something to find the only reference was my own when looking for them initially. I think the whole of life seems to be doing that to me for some reason, like the oozlum bird, eventually disappearing up my own fundament (arsehole to you). God forbid.

It's Monday again

Besides a slow but steady stream of facts about global warming (there isn't any), nothing much has happened for a while. In fact the whole year has been the year of non events and disappointments. No new media work, most emails ignored and hardly any other work (that is expendable though due to certain legal restrictions). I really see a war between good and evil, or truth and lies in this global warming bullshit. The two sides provide opposite data, but both can't be right. The actual climate is shit as usul and 40,000 people in this country are expected to die this winter from the cold (they don't usually die from heat) this year and they want us to try and stop it getting less cold (like it was actually possible). But the fact the truth has to win as it displaces lies, like CO2 displaces water vapour, means they can't keep it up for ever but they'll bloody well try.



My plans for the week run out after tomorrow. Nothing besides putting stuff in my new (old) desk, finishing the accounts and making more phone calls. It gets too dark for photos around 3 now and will for 6 more weeks so photography may be taken over by daytime TV. Not that there's a lot left to take, a few stations in Tottenham and I can't think of any more. There's a dating group on Facebook I'm working my way through now but no replies so far. And two last resorts to call from my recent past as no one else left. It's a bit like my school library after I'd read all the interesting books and they haven't got any more since the war. Or maybe when I was born. I was also reminded of another older woman I was after a few years ago when I bumped into her friend in a shop, and besides being 100 miles away the whole time now (she had two houses) is still with the man who stopped her getting it on with me although it was pretty obvious she wanted to. One more down the drain as per. She said I should phone her, which will produce absolutely zero but maybe she'll be reminded what she's missing.



Well if a picture tells 100 words here are some of my weekend south of the river:





Thames Ditton and Putney

Life playing God

I've been unusually busy today. Wednesdays are usually free as today was, and having shlepped to Wood Green yesterday (it's a shlep from even a mile away) didn't have to go anywhere special today if at all. As it was it was sunny so went to Kensal Rise nearby for another bus photo, and with my stool got over another railway bridge to see the view from there. Then shopping in Golders Green to return home to clear an old set of drawers in readiness for a desk I'm being given on Friday. One whole box of crap now binned I'm glad to say. Then I fixed my bike tyre (as not a puncture) and went to the supermarket with a hard back tyre for the first time in weeks.



I've started sending the NASA global warming (negative) findings out already, first to a local MP and called the radio but didn't get on. If we don't spread this data when we find it people will assume it isn't there. The BBC or regular papers all steered clear of this bombshell at the time and I was very lucky to find the item at all myself. The others can all be doubted by the globally religious types, but am wondering how they'll twist this one to claim it makes no actual difference to their evil satan of CO2. There have always been with hunts, as stated on the radio today. There are in Nigeria and by one good speaker thousands of naive people believe it and torture children as a result, as demonstrated on an hour long TV programme last week. People love an imaginary enemy and like God, the devil and spirits CO2 can't be seen or heard but believed in. From allowing plant growth and keeping our oxygen balance in our blood, it has turned into the 21st century version of Hitler, condemned worldwide for numerous crimes against humanity, except, unlike Hitler, it is not guilty. You have leaders who know they are lying and followers who either think they aren't, or are getting something out of it. This is the worst example I've ever come across and am terrified if enough people don't wake up sooner or later we'll be stitched up as well as if Hitler had won the war. No blood shed but loss of freedom and cash at alarming rates. It's impossible to see it happen and not speak out against it or I will be as bad as they are.



On other business, tomorrow is free again, I hope to get some phone calls out of the way and maybe a couple of sales visits. I suspect my inability to go out has put off all but the most hardened lonely gits from calling me any more, and friends like that are clearly not worth it. I value the person not the activity and when my friend came from America after 3 years away for a week it was like someone had returned from the dead. People mean more to me than anything else, and could never drop someone for their lack of activity. It took me 40 years to collect those friends, it's not going to be easy to find any new ones. So I keep as busy as I can but rarely with anyone else. We can all see people we find boring if we wanted to but they hold me back and am used to being on my own and keeping busy. Looking for interesting people from the past is fascinating but unlikely to get back people who dropped you already as I've discovered. All the usual crap that happens to everyone else carries on, including a parking ticket for parking where they claim it had been suspended. Telling them the bay was in use and no signs were up made no difference as it's so easy to add extra money by tricking people, plus I asked the warden if it was OK when she was looking at my car and she said it was. Yes, OK for her to add to her collection of souls for the month.



These happen to us all the whole time but are a lot easier when shared. You can't avoid getting into trouble, and they have made roads the equivalent of a Monopoly board where they collect money round every corner. I do my best not to get fined but you can't own a car and not do. Even my mother who was a judge got a ticket, although it was refunded. My father gets even more and he was a lawyer who drafted statutes for the government but still can't decipher the deliberately obscure parking notices. These are the people they feed on. Drug users and vandals get a caution, decent people with no criminal record get (and pay) unwarranted fines. If they get them they either haven't registered the cars so needn't pay them, the cars are worth so little they let them take them in lieu of a fine, or just trust they won't have to pay them as they have no money. Just watch the police documentaries if you want to see it.

I really accept and understand now I can't keep a clean record any more. They can't prosecute me for anything I've done as I won't do anything illegal, but besides that I've realised I can't maintain any type of defence against other black marks as it's unavoidable. I've dodged trouble all my life but only delayed the event. Now I'm resigned to accepting any that comes my way and hopefully bounce back quickly when it happens as it has to.



It is strange that as I see more and more how rare and possibly impossible good random events are, but how unavoidable bad ones are. Destruction takes seconds, contruction takes time and skill. I do see many of these as tests as one by one I'm given situations to stop me caring about them as I did before. It can ruin your life and although I stopped being rejected by women bothering me as a teenager as it was necessary to, being in trouble with the authorities has always been a sore point with me as I was brought up not to be. I am in professions which are not meant to misbehave, law and therapy, and that makes me even more sensitive to appearing to be 'on the other side'. Now I must stop giving a fuck. If it takes a parking ticket and various other relatively harmless situations to teach me that then I've done fairly well. It forces me to realise these reactions are there and then get rid of them, but rather than any reward I just get more lessons, and plenty of other crap where I can't see any lesson at all. Most people are too busy working and bringing up their families to care about all this shit, but having neither I suppose it allowed me to think about things others are too busy to. I get fuck all thanks for it most of the time though, but then again neither did Jesus... (note the John Lennon reference there?).

Where's heaven?

Well I've managed to keep on my travels, driven by the desire to collect, this time bus numbers. Not my idea but a logical one to get a photo of them all. After 3 years on the road with a digital camera and no holidays or interest in them I need places to keep taking them. I got a good bunch today anyway so used the short period of time the light was there when I could.

I was also sent a link to 'The Australian' newspaper, that mentioned back in March that NASA discovered water vapour reduces as CO2 increases, cancelling out its effects. That got reported and responded to widely didn't it. My arse. Yet again it's me and anyone who can be bothered to join me who will be reporting this. Can you imagine the left wing Arab loving BBC announcing this on the 10 O'Clock news as a headline? "NASA discover CO2 in the atmosphere is cancelled by falling water vapour?". The fact it's true and fucks up the total basis of man made emissions causing global warming (which stopped in 1998, much to the confusion of the green lobby who predicted a steady rise in response to CO2 rises). That was dismissed by other sites who showed both CO2 responds to warming rather than causing it, and the levels we have are not able to trap heat either. Now we can prove it.

Faced by contrary evidence how many scientists accept the new findings? We will see.

Besides that little bombshell that was hidden from us until I was lucky enough to find it life is more or less usual as it has been. No events, no results and no changes. Now the only exception is my dreams. Everything happens there. There are no limits on good or bad of course, especially as all damage is reversible on waking, but the massive swings to the good side show something that has only entered any of our lives fleetingly. I meet all the people I need to meet, events happen the way they should, and I suppose it's basically saying I am being given glimpses of heaven. If there was a consistent place like that then it would be well worth the effort to get there, but even the fact we are allowed to visit in dreams means it's not reserved for the dead.
Elements do cross over into life but the dreadful but accurate term 'grace' describes the random times when they do, so the spiritual path is the single planned indirect way to heaven on earth. I stop short of joining the new online ashram as I believe my current path is adequate and spending time chanting and other nonsense may well do the job as well but by far from the only one.

I also believe (and I was there) that the hippy movement hooked into this, however they got there. That's where my roots remain and why they do. The art alone shows levels beyond any before them, and nothing like it since. Peter Max is a good place to start if you want some examples. I can describe most elements of this level very simply, and none are a surprise, combine the right environment with the right people, tweak a few of the edges and give them a few extras and you're nearly there already. It was described by myself, and confirmed in 'The Secret Garden' as 'magic', which is the element of life where it crosses to heaven. Once you've recognised this you are generally reminded of its absence from your life, which makes for a constant level of dissatisfaction. And it would be a surprise if not. We gravitate to pleasure so when all we have is the memory of it something objects. And you can't go and look for it, it comes and goes, all you can do is meditate and hope.

I have a free week ahead so far, I hope the magic comes in as a result.

Have I got anywhere?

Being on a hamster wheel means you do a lot but get nowhere. OK, I have helped a couple of others this week which counted for them, but my own activities just provided more photos of new bus routes and stations. I may well advertise for a woman again, having realised I can specify where I want to go out as well as who I want. You get replies from people who are interested anyway, not who you want. Just say nothing about them as people from around the world will reply regardless as well as all ages and other variations. You just eliminate all the dross first time round and then deal with what's left. Internet ads don't work for men, and newspaper ones vary depending where you advertise, but can produce a flood of calls. None got me anyone but spend days on the phone saying the same things to each person, met one I liked first, saw her again, got dumped and as the others weren't as nice let them go.

I will mention I'm not reading as many blogs as I used to for one main reason, as soon as I link one sooner or later it's taken offline. Where does it all go? If I stopped blogging (when I die) I'd never delete all my work. What a total waste. So people I've got to know and interested in just vanish and are gone as if they were in a dream. It takes time to replace with equal standard so am getting fed up with the effort involved. I will also admit (like I hide it) I'd be the happiest person around if a newspaper printed something from here, as many do randomly. Fame is in my DNA and don't give a damn how I get it. It's the benefits I want and the route is irrelevant. Unlike Paris Hilton I did learn piano for 10 years, had guitar lessons, a few years drama classes and used to write and put on plays at school. All that slowed down during my studies but the impulse never left. So now I have the time but not the union card I can't do it the normal way so need UFOs, blogs or anything else I can squeak into the business with as I'm not able to go for auditions like the pros.

I have worked my way through more little jobs including a couple of work bookings for the first time in over a month. More next week and some have proved less straightforward than expected. Crooks, liars, cheats and useless sods all make life busier than it needs to be but will always be part of it. The buttheads that let me sell my postcards in their cafe and then let them all be pinched (including the box) meant I was paid in full even though they didn't get it. Their fault, my profit. But I'd never put them there again. I'd rather have waited and got the money properly and then done some more but it had to be complicated.
Needless to say every business and pleasure message sent has been blanket ignored, like written in invisible ink. The reaction of women to my emails is presumably either total ignorance of who I am or far worse complete disgust. I was a pain when I was a teenager but got it out of my system. I was tactless, crude and not much of a gentleman. The ones who understood me got my good side and never minded when I showed the other, but many kept well away and fair enough. But I know none of the people back then are likely to be the same as they were as we've all grown up, except the one who everyone I know is currently avoiding although I always enjoyed his total lunacy. He's actually a very nice guy but has no boundaries. A bit like looking in a magnifying mirror...

Well hope is a word only in a dictionary as far as I'm concerned. Gone for me. No reason for anything to improve, the TV programme is invested in so is in their interest not mine to fix up, but otherwise I've planted dates in the arctic. I will continue to collect pictures of public transport, houses, signposts and other local minutiae, and keep looking up old girlfriends until it's in the obituary notices. Two down that road already so no doubt more will follow, plus one of my best friends till he left for boarding school. The aliens continue to send the world's channelers messages and keep me entertained but besides scientific and historical data they refuse to show themselves in person. Better than smoking or taking drugs though. Only our minds get screwed with.

Various points

Nothing known to report really, but one point is I've worked out here from presenting my ideas and the feedback that there is nothing wrong with my sanity. Different, yes. Insane, no. Just too sensitive, but that's hardly grounds for certification. That out of the way, what else?

I have certainly had to live within the clear boundaries of the mediocre and mundane. All around the middle, no highs. None. Not for ages. So of course if people can tell then that's the reason why. Less than anyone's fair share. And whatever work I'm not doing now to 'earn it' (old and wrong idea for a start) I have in the past and built up plenty of credit if that scenario was true. I may try another ad for a woman, purely as I will also list my own limitations so it doesn't create a problem waiting to happen. Restaurants are compared to torture chambers and cinemas being buried alive. I have been hundreds of times but have lost the will for some time. Partly I did all this so much (although never enjoyed restaurants) it finished me off, a bit like travelling. Everything I need is here. Travel 10, 20, 50 miles and you just see the same thing over and over again. My suburb, their suburb, another mall etc. Big deal. Just avoid the area codes in London starting with an E and you'll be OK. You know it makes sense.

So within the mediocrity I write trivia quizzes (including a record breaker, 1200 plays in a week), take endless photos (even almost in the dark till next March), do the usual rounds of the family and start again at the beginning. Plus the gym. I really wonder if anything interesting can ever happen, let alone will. The latest person I emailed from the past is beyond the bottom of the barrel. Same name, probably the same person, and no doubt have forgotten me. None have replied so far either, and when I hear from others how they get a message from the past and think 'Oh my god, no way!' and delete it then that's what these fuckers are doing with me. Nice. Whether advertising (again) will be even more of a waste of effort remains to be seen. I've had more trouble from persistent women who won't take no for an answer than those who see me once and run. At least that's one evening tops down the toilet. But when they phone and think because I advertised they have the right to insist on a relationship because they want one is a bloody pain. And never the right one since about 1972. Unless I missed one.

The activities of last week, although slightly productive in that some jobs were eliminated, are not worth remembering let alone reporting. They got me nowhere. Not so many left this week at least, and unlike many times in the past there aren't any old projects I've started that are waiting for results. All gone. No new ones. Just the routine as described above. So I watch people who claim to be aliens, enlightened, talking to aliens and the like as it's better than the shite on TV and easier than reading. I've worked on enlightenment 11 years now since my first lecture, and as far as I know although I now know what they're on about, haven't felt a thing. Well I felt something go different for a second when doing a mantra recently but goodness knows what that was. I think that second was it over 11 years. Now either I am going to become enlightened suddenly with no prior changes, or I'm not going there, so far. Others seem to, and can only trust them. You have to learn the way to discriminate between people talking about the subjective and sort the real from the unreal. We can literally only use intuition as we can't know what others are feeling. Catch 22. If it happened to me I wouldn't care what people thought and would probably not bother to mention it outside that community. Who cares? More so, who understands? They usually can't get meditation, so enlightenment is like another dimension to them. Fine, I'm not doing it for anyone else. My qualifications were for other people, I can't impress myself with them or pay myself, it's so I get money and respect. What else are they for? Getting any degree, even a PhD, does not equal happiness. It helps indirectly but most people I know with a much better hand of cards than me are no happier than those with none.

Well I can only report what is, and add (I'm sure you won't mind) what diver said in his blog, as a fellow agoraphobic. He has both travelled to Egypt and spent a few days on a long road trip, but is still agoraphobic. It's not what we can or can't do, but how we feel being made to do it. Hopefully the ignorant of you who send evil comments may learn something from meeting real agoraphobics instead of quoting a fucking dictionary at me. End of.

Filling the space

The obvious subject is what I've been doing but it is such a routine I ought to just say 'see last week' etc. The details of what I'm now doing will sound so trivial I may as well pass over them and see what else can be extracted from a mind which has been emptied of material over the period of writing here, and has apparently not changed, at least not from this side. Not that anyone else does very often, but I do work on it for various reasons and for the critics who would like to see changes will add these are for how I feel, not for how it is presented to others. That suits me fine and people who don't like it just don't like me.

I've been reading more channeled material now I've got the website, and sadly how both the readers and producer of this and nearly all other channeling I've read don't spot they are actually saying nothing new and often nothing at all I'll never know. Having said that the only exceptions so far are my own alien abductees as they give solid facts I can check up, and I was asked to have a go myself which seemed to work. But they all say the opposite of the popular contacts, that they will not be revealing themselves or anything else in the near future, and that does correspond with reality.

On the other hand we have our intuition, which tells us things we know are true with little evidence, and often discover are when evidence arrives. That of course improves with practice and although for instance the contrary data on global warming is arriving regularly I could sense it was all a scam very quickly before this did. It always works for evil people as well, two I picked lied, stole and cheated it turned out, before and after I met them. The second, an associate of the first, struck me as pure filth the minute I met him and my friend who did know him confirmed it. Luckily I have recently been able to use it for good as well, and done the same very quickly for a few very special people and as far as I know am correct. It's harder to confirm a positive than a negative as it's easier to let people down when you start off good. I should know, there is a growing line of examples.
On the other hand, taking my core teachings (advaita), all this is within the duality and only a part of a game or dream once you merge with all that is. Till then it's very real so I may as well keep writing about it. But my own intuition now tells me the teaching is correct so can see the activity is something on the surface of what is very peaceful underneath. That escapes polarity, feeling happy or sad is temporary and swings quickly or slowly whatever we do. The singularity, the constant peace behind it, is the place us students aim for, for the obvious reason is it has to be better than the alternative.
I did have to take this on trust for a long time, and technically still do, as I've never felt it, but can now recognise it in some others so am beginning to relate to it indirectly. It has shifted from a mystery only told by others to something I can sense. Progress I hope.

So within the existing duality the routine continues, reminding me very much of the dire period between O and A levels when I was free and alone, so the freedom was almost totally wasted on me. And back then at 16 I didn't have the resources and ideas I have now so was even worse. But not having a clue when it will change is the worst part, as it's like the sun hasn't come out for ages and maybe never will again. I do the starts but others do the finishes, and many come all from outside as well rather than me having any part in making them happen. I've analysed it in every way I can and can see no other conclusion.

Not quite lost for words

Looking back on the week it was really the next of many of keeping busy. I keep busy but get nothing really. More photos, more messages left and not a single reply. I suppose I can keep this routine up indefinitely, but is only filling time. And it only takes one person to fix it. I keep being reminded that of course you can't rely on the world outside for anything, which forced me on the spiritual path, but there is a long, possible never ending overlap between starting it and being it, and in that time of course you know the nature of the outside world but are still affected by it. Not a good formula.

I don't really dare to mention plans for next week as it may make people feel the same as it does actually being there. I found the London Bus group is waiting for a bus near me I didn't have or even know existed, so will be waiting around, probably in the rain, in Wembley until either I see it or get fed up. When all else runs out I'll be checking up on my little business items that have been hanging around for a while, and that is probably all. How ever person I've contacted hasn't replied has just added to the general lack of any interest, and will probably be scraping even further in the barrel when I think of some more poor sods who thought they'd never hear from me again. They do it to me though so only fair to keep the chain going. I am told you lose touch with people for good reasons but I have little else to keep me occupied.

Well I am sorry to bear the sort of depressing news again but only reporting what actually is. Seeing Harrow on the Hill station again after nearly 20 years was a little reunion with my past, but when that's the most interesting event in a week or more then I repeat my last apology. I did also have to listen to reports of my grandma's out of control bladder, including the usual times and places. OK, it's probably the nearest thing she has to excitement at her time of life, but had she been 30 years younger I'm sure she'd still have told us. I suppose in a way I take after her, except I can edit out a certain layer of minutiae below that which not a soul would want to hear.

I also see the world, at least this quarter, apparently settling down after the banks were baled out and Obama got in. That's a slow fuse I suspect, as unless America has suddenly decided to swing to the left they may not realise what they've let themselves in for. If they go wet the world won't stand a chance. All the savers are now earning almost sod all now interest rates are sending many retired people into poverty. That shows the priorities of politicians worldwide. Look after the plebs and they will look after you. Sod those few who worked and saved and now need that money, favour the young and stupid who have borrowed far too much and then let them do it all over again by making it easy. Bastards.
I also discovered (not reported by our lot) that Alaskan glaciers are growing after 200 years of retreat. 200 years means they started reducing before the industrial revolution, and it's hard to grow if the temperatures are increasing. And that data is straight from the USGS who make the official data rather than people I always hear condemned as not part of some scientific mafia.

Therefore we now have the IPCC who have admitted global warming itself stopped in 1998, higher temperatures do not cause more extreme weather (how often do you hear that reported on the BBC?) and now the first official admission some glaciers are growing (as we all knew already if we looked elsewhere). How many nails will it take in this coffin to finally contain and bury this awful deception that has robbed people worldwide of money and international aid as taxes have increased and being spent on climate change and nuclear power (which unlike carbon dioxide and warmer weather does not hurt anyone...). You see the picture forming? How many more of these items it will take before a) the BBC report it and b) some big shots start to doubt it matters and start to leave the cause I cannot say, but the truth is a big elephant and all the nothing in the world can't build or hide a real one. Telling people they may be in danger in 50 or more years is the sort of quasi hypnosis even Jade Goody should be able to resist, but apparently most of the world's leaders have convinced enough people this is true they are willingly offering not just their extra taxes but a little more for charity if they can manage it. Like the perfect murder, except it's a lot easier to see through this given enough time. I can only hope.

Digging into the past

Well the week was making the best of my own imagination. I looked at a map to see various new geographic features for photos and have a list that should take a while to get through now despite getting dark at 4pm for the next 4 months. The phase of being ignored has reached new levels, there's now the TV producer (bit of a waste of space from what I've seen), journalist (no power even if she liked my material), two women (no comment needed) and any other bastard I've forgotten including the twat who booked an appointment and made me sit on my tuchus all afternoon waiting for them to arrive. As it's a personal contact a bollocking is in line.

The most basic skeleton is in place to keep occupied for the week ahead, the photo calls I haven't made yet, a check on my business cards usage and the photo list. Plenty more paperwork if it's raining as well. Dull but for anyone within a family a pretty easy life. But alone is just killing time. Again my clients have deserted me after a while of activity, all together as always. I'll never understand that as I don't get BO and try not to fart too much when they're here. Or swear. I leave that to them.
Meanwhile I've been watching a teenager in Sweden doing psychokinesis on Youtube. I've been watching such demonstrations for some time and he also gives lessons how to do it. I find it easy to spot BS (as with the global warming trickery) and also starting to pick up on genuine people as well, like Rachel who just won Big Brother. That was a great endorsement of my judgement as I picked her after less than an hour. Now this guy doesn't seem to have any funny business either, and if I am correct in my intuition then it implies what he is doing is real. The fakes have helped a lot as once you've seen their videos with hidden hairdryers, magnets and all other amateur magician props, someone who seals an object under a bowl and still gets it to move leaves little opportunity to fake it. Bear in mind it's not a professional digital video that can be manipulated easily, but a home video by a kid in his bedroom. I continue to follow the progress.

I've said before another reason I blog is while most people come home to talk about their day, besides a few tenants who were like the exorcist in most cases I have come home to an empty house for 14 years. Every aspect of negativity I emanate is solely from that as it would for anyone who lived in an impersonal area with no community life or decision to live as a monk. My times were on holiday every year in Devon where although we could and did go out there was enough to do within walking distance to stay there for a month and have enough to do. All the activity of a year in Finchley where I lived was crammed into those visits, and half my friends met there. I was always surrounded by friends (except when they went home before me) and family (three generations sometimes) and can easily contrast the best with what I don't have now. I could also perform as it was a music holiday, and although not my priority still played keyboards (and sang once) for various parties and a couple of small concerts for the electronic music workshop. I even have a programme somewhere with my name on it. And the women there were both intellectual and attractive.

Looking back, besides many I was in love with at the time, sadly only a few were mutual, I didn't have the same record there as I did at home for some reason and tended to get the last resorts. I did meet my first girlfriend there who was top class, another years later but was too big an age gap to go anywhere at the time, and she lived there which stopped it in its tracks anyway. There was the German film star (now not then) who being 8-9 at the time was only a friend, but could still see the quality even then. She hasn't changed that much considering as there are plenty of current photos about. I'd have carried on going if I had anyone to go with, but by 1989 everyone else was married and going abroad with their new families and I was reduced to hanging out with teenagers. No one since to return with or I may still have met someone there, albeit from the other side of the world (Los Angeles, Botswana, plus a couple of failures from France and Italy at least) but plenty from London as well. Nothing like that here though besides one of my schools, and I was kicked out there after 2 years...

So I soldier on within the environment I've been given and it's been a bloody long time since anything good happened. Besides none of the important people replying, all the business attempts have got nowhere either and barely any research. Business as usual, but for how long?

We get what is given

There are two possibilities. Either things get better or they don't. I keep busy regardless but will always know what I'm missing especially as I've experienced enough to know the difference. But all the activity won't change the outside decisions. I asked someone else from the past to meet me a couple of days ago, despite the distance, just in case. Otherwise it's like waiting for the rain to come. You can play video games, watch TV, wander around but it doesn't change the lack of rain.

Meanwhile life goes on. My own philosophy seems to simplify life more and more as it is really simply a method of trying to get as much pleasure from our time here as possible. The problems arise when something or someone tries to stop them, or they are sabotaged by circumstances like illness. It's not easy. But the cack so many people let ruin their lives will never cease to amaze me. There are so many spoiled children out there that don't just get free ice cream but scream the house down as it's the wrong fucking flavour. Ungrateful sums it up. I am now happy for every small thing I have and more and more overlook the problems as long as they have no lasting effect. I've had enough to learn it. And if I can everyone can as problems and their reactions are universal.

For example, people who whinge for years when a relationship breaks up. What? We are all born naked and alone, and besides our parents (which some don't even have then if they've died or left) that is the most we can take for granted. How anyone can be devastated when anyone outside that family goes, so their lives are ruined for an indefinite period is handing the power to the enemy. Every person who isn't a blood relative is extra and not designed to be a permanent part of our lives. If we believe we are we have handed our power to them, and instead of enjoy them while we can we can get so attached we become dependent on them. Not me thank you. 24 hours to mourn the loss and back to business. Learnt it after the first time when my friend asked me how long I wanted the bitches to ruin my life. I said a day was enough and that was that. Easy. Never got me since. How can you miss what isn't yours in the first place? Our family is part of us so we lose someone who can never be replaced as they are unique, but others pass throughout our lives, if we are ready for it we won't be caught in the trap.

Funnily enough I came here first as Funtrivia is down, just when I wrote my first quiz in 10 months. So it made me think of what I'd learnt recently to add here as whatever insights I have are used in my work unless they are too confrontational. And when life simplifies itself for me all the time I see less and less that can't be understood by everyone. And none work on trust as you can see for yourself by checking. So in a way I may be reporting negativity in my own life but much positive for others. As despite simplifying it also simplifies our limits, and I spend a few years asking anyone I could and not one offered a single door in the wall of powerlessness. My suspicion was right, some situations are totally passive with no trick or little known methods that were kept secret. It's all as it seems and there are no hidden exits besides inner changes through meditation. But the world outside is the same as watching it on TV besides our own input as a single person against millions. Not a lot of difference there then.

I have also reached a point where I'd prefer answering questions on all this than repeating the same principles in different ways. Practical applications will vary for each question and the answers tend to come from the same area so work for virtually everything even if you may not like them. How many millionaire motivational speakers tell you you can do fuck all but get on with something else and forget about it? Not many people would pay to hear that advice but many times it's the truth. So all you can do is use the resources that are here and the others simply don't exist. Like my video editing program. If the tools aren't provided the work can't be done, end of. But besides that advice the rest is pretty practical so that is just the worst case, and can be quite liberating as once you realise nothing can be done you can let go and drop it.

A week's rubbish

I am beginning to wonder if my 'outer' life (as opposed to my spiritual inner) is ever going to produce any more than neutral again. I sent out some more reminders yesterday which will no doubt fall on deaf ears but if I do nothing people will just say (as many do) it's my own fault. But either way nothing will happen but at least it feels like I've done my best if I follow up every possibility anyhow. And that includes the area of women, I can't even think of anyone dodgy who's available any more, and as I won't pay for it am at a loss for where the next experience there is coming from. Quality aside I've always got something regularly and the last supply stopped and even that is now producing a lack of service.

At least I've trained myself not to look ahead now, if something needs doing it goes on the list but I don't think to what I'll be doing any further than the next day now as it takes care of itself. Knowing that I know there's enough available to do on my own every day and (which hasn't happened for ages) anyone else arrives it's a bonus. Again I'm not chasing people any more as friends, the available people are like the women I rejected in the past, many are worse than being alone and really only want the right people with me or not at all. Who wouldn't? My only exception is the Indian arranged marriages as most of the women are so attractive I can't imagine being disappointed within a few tries, as not being forced, both have to agree before it goes ahead, they just don't know each other until they meet for a short time before deciding. But besides Asian women the others would be no different from the random selections online which would be no different from the crowd on a train or supermarket. And (as I have been told by many I know), Indian women and thereabouts as a rule don't mix (as in date or marry) outside their own caste, let alone race. I wouldn't even be considered by over 99% of them although they make up almost half the people in my own borough. Total waste basically.

So currently the teacher online turns out enough new videos to keep me busy most days and the understanding is widening and deepening as a result. If someone becomes enlightened none of this crap matters any more and if they even kept up a blog goodness knows what it would be about. But life would go on, only the experience of it would improve. So careers and relationships would continue but wouldn't matter. Best of both worlds.

The chances of any of my attempts last week to provide any more work are probably as much as if I hadn't sent them at all. Plus someone I know sent me a new client who didn't turn up or call to say why. Someone will have a red face sooner or later. I missed a piano lesson once when I was 12 as I was with my girlfriend and got such a bollocking Inever let anyone down again. All the things people do that are wrong (making rude and personal remarks for example) I was taught not to do as a child and that was the end of it. It's very easy and these people who will act like shits the whole of their lives are reasons some lunatics believe in social darwinism. I can be as rude as I like about anything I want as it's just my opinion and free speech, but you don't say it to people directly as you'll gain nothing out of it. You only would do it if either they were the sort of people you can't stand or they did something to you first, and either way nothing will change by calling them names. If someone's an arsehole telling them that won't make them stop, it'll just fall on deaf ears as it's not as if they'd think so is it? So you've wasted your breath and ruined someone's day. A double negative where both parties lose.
As I said when I worked in a shop, always wait till a customer is gone before you slag them off. I'm sure many did the same about me but as long as I didn't hear it it was OK.

So I suppose most of it can be summed up as a total lack of excitement, with no chance of any. It is basically a random pattern of many different threads in life that all came to a stop around the same time. It's still neutral as all the stress has stopped as well, but who could ever say neutral was good enough? Of course nearly all the excitement in the past (there has been some) has come out of the blue, you can't predict any of it, but fruits of previous labours are also supposed to lead to results and even those have now finished with no new starts. And remember I complain here so I don't bore the people I know although not all return the compliment. But we all have to dump our rubbish somewhere.

Principles of enlightenment

Having finally understood enlightenment I've done a video explaining its nature as learnt from Sage Amrit on Youtube. Here are the principles which led me to follow all the meanings the teachers use but are rarely clear or complete.

1) You do need to work at it. Take a practice from a teacher and stick with it. The few who become enlightened automatically are saints and an exception. Most involve focusing on the present, and I describe these in the video.

2) It usually starts to show gradual results, few go from nothing to all suddenly.

3) Just because we are told the world is a dream or illusion that only applies after you're enlightened. Until then it's damn real and we have to deal with it.

4) Enlightenment is of two parts. One is dropping the ego, that which tells us we are a person who is separate from everything else. This is done indirectly through practice. When this happens, then the calm, peace, bliss etc comes with it. If it doesn't you're probably not there yet.

5) You can recognise the ego by when you feel important from being something. That is your ego that wants to feel big, not your true nature. Let this pass.

People, throw away your beliefs!

Having a bit more time than usual I return here. I've spent the last couple of days filling the last spaces on my London Transport groups for Flickr round Barnes and Ealing, added a little more to the weights in the gym after nearly 6 years next month, and that's about it. I know my email target is busy so is likely to reply when she has the time, very hard working and kids. My cat was enough for me with no help. This week having checked the website will try and sell a few more photo albums now I see they haven't deleted them (my property I PAID FOR) from their website as expected. Flickr and here (which is free) never need to clear space by deleting stuff (and what would it do for visitors?) so why should a commercial site where people store their work to be printed by them? More unanswered questions of life.

I still imagine the chances of anything nice happening to cheer me up (life has becime incredibly boring) almost zero now, having seen more projects die this year than possibly any other time in my life. Two women so far, two major media jobs, all the supernatural leads I followed, all but one sale, and only compensated by that sale (about 70p profit), getting the BBC Trade Test transmissions after 36 years and getting a photo of a dodgy car number plate, which was hardly enough to balance. So many people do moan because however much they have it isn't enough, while I believe few could start so many diverse attempts for them all to go tits up in a row. That doesn't usually happen, even to me. And I haven't got any others still alive that may even it out or ideas for them, hence the vacuum I mentioned yesterday.

So what I should do is ask out the older woman in the library if she wants more albums (very nice but bound to be married), tell the woman in America I'll go there and marry her (that would make it at least her 3rd but who's counting?), Or even better join yet another online dating agency so I can get messages from women in Ghana claiming to love me and can I send them £300 for their mother's operation, talk all night to a divorcee in Essex who can only talk about her ex husband, be stood up in assorted spots in and around London (done plenty of those already), spend weeks emailing before meeting someone who looks like her photo's mother, tell the same stories to ten different women, and the best which has happened at least twice, be told they've decided not to meet anyone off the internet (after paying to join).

That is a truly tragic list of possibilities, which explains why I prefer to call women I already knew (however long ago) and do other things instead. I learnt even longer ago if any woman laughs at my fart and bottom jokes she fancies me, as women just don't tend to think that's funny. I've never known a single clue I'm in there apart from that, and rarely used that trick since I was a teenager anyway. Anyone still on the fence is bound to be put off. One woman I never met (as thousands of miles away) liked poop talk even more (maybe not more) than me, and I actually wrote a few entries here just for her. How many people overall worldwide of my age who can still have a good old laugh about shit must be pretty low, especially among the females. And our sexual preferences also coincided which is possibly even more unusual. I think all the others tolerated the jokes they laughed at as they liked me, rather than actually thinking it was funny. If anyone else had said the same things they'd probably have slapped them.
Tomorrow looks exciting, one new work arrival and then to my grandma's to wait for a washing machine to be collected when she's out, unless they get there before me. I'll start the phone calls then or next, and the usual jobs around the house and garden, and looking back the last few weeks or beyond nothing happened that I didn't actually think of and get done myself. Things I wanted to do that is. No angels or other miracles coming along like a dream to help me out. I'm sure the whole basis of hope is caused by the lack of power we have over life we imagine it suddenly being fixed like in a film. Pointless, if anything does it won't be because we have hope or think about it, things just happen. Belief is the poor relative of hope as most people with hope know in their hearts it's unfounded, but belief is based on lack of knowledge so is only an assumption. I either know something, suspect it or don't know. I don't believe in God, global warming (like I can see and feel it?), the good of mankind, anything nice is round the corner, or we are in a recession. I suspect nothing decent will happen for months at least, it makes no difference who gets in in America (except to their taxpayers), 90% of politicians are corrupt, and none of the women I ever email from my past will ever want to see me, and sooner or later most of these will be known. If people all examine their hopes and beliefs, and then remove all of them they will feel a lot lighter and clearer. They have no use for us, but why learn it the hard way before you do so?

Passing through the vacuum

If there is a message in my life somewhere it's incredibly well hidden. Even dreams of better places and things just return me back to normal after I wake up. Taking the risk she may even read this (not sure how but this is the internet) I am hoping for a reply from one of the few people like those I meet in my dreams, distant and unavailable but in contact. There's no shortage of right people for us, just ones who are interested. I'd marry at least 50 women I know, probably many more. Not because I compromise in any way but I just have learnt what I'm looking for and they all have it. There is a hierarchy of course, but doubt I'd mind if I had any of them and not another.

So if I look for a message all I can currently see is being poked towards enlightenment, which means equally being poked away from caring about what goes on in real life as whatever happens here is irrelevant to that. But even within the teaching until you get there you still suffer down here. That is heaven and hell everyone. It never meant waiting till you were dead. Hell is when you realise you aren't enlightened and heaven is when you are. And being dead means you don't care either way. Finding pleasure down here is a miracle if it lasts very long. I don't know about other people as most I come across through work suffer the most and although I remember pleasure it was punctuated by some pretty dreadful moments as well, as all our lives have to be. Those who have looked say the good and bad tend to even out over a lifetime. I can see many lives that would be lucky to get close. And those we assume are good are often papering over the cracks. There's every reason to turn your back. So any hidden messages just seem to be reminding me more and more this world isn't worth any effort so why bother, keep all my thoughts on the one beyond it.

Limbo though is between both and when you're possibly leaving one but not yet in the other then really you are where you were but can see where you are going. But the distance isn't known and there's no schedule. This so called recession mind you seems to be gradually returning just a little sanity to the world at last. Oil has come down to a price I can almost afford, and food prices are following. Halleluja. House prices haven't moved mind you, not round here, and that is not good news. Knowing it might be cheaper than it was a year ago to move to Chelmsford is no comfort to those who live in London and want to stay there. Apparently the last recession was when I started my last job (albeit after about 350 applications) and business boomed right through it. The only awareness of the recession was the number of applications as when I worked before my degree I could leave on Friday and find something new by Monday in most cases. I never needed more than a couple of weeks whatever though. London slowed drastically since, although when I went to live in Oxford once I'd left my details jobs came flooding in after a month or so. My first one went permanent so didn't need the others but told me they were available.

Having said that my personal preferences for jobs are so popular (ie just above a holiday) that I never stood a chance. The only one I got was so much like a holiday it had no customers so like its equivalent only lasted a week before I returned home. Now all my projects have basically dried up. I will call the library to see if they want any more photobooks and grudgingly call the TV company for the latest excuse why the last programme has done nothing. I'll start another painting now the clocks have gone back, but have no ideas besides wasting whatever spare time I have writing a book based on this blog which is a last resort of the last resorts. No real point writing a book without being a writer already or bloody famous in which case someone else will write it for you but give you the money. But realistically there's no big plans now. Business will look after itself now, and pleasure (as in finding a woman) has been described here already. Last week it was nice and I went to all the parks on the map I hadn't been to with the camera as it was my last chance till March. Getting dark between 3 and 4pm fucks up my leisure time totally and why I'll be painting again.

I think it's the first time I can remember I haven't been involved in at least one major project but as marriage and regular employment are already covered by most people then they can relax and enjoy the ride, if they are actually enjoying it. I know the formula it's usually when you look the other way something happens, but there isn't really anywhere else to look. It's the same in all directions.

Detritus for the day

I've been working my way through the map for new photo locations each day, and beyond that it's like the Twilight Zone where the rest of the world has frozen. I will say despite the standard 'different country and taken' scenario, an ex from schooldays has proved even better than she was back then, and if no more an inspiration to what I need now. In reality after a while I forget what women are for besides the obvious as lack of contact means the memory fades and just have to assume having a girlfriend was better than not, without actually being able to relate to it any more. She has just about reminded me as with so many others having turned nasty over the years (I tend to search them out from time to time as it keeps me occupied) she has done the opposite, and gone from being bloody good to even better than bloody good. Knowing more or less exactly who suits me by now she would probably have all that it takes to cover all the areas, and can't be the only one like that can she?

My other blog on a site which introduced them where I was already has just switched from present to past as the entries repeat themselves so much. I can't talk dirty or run down anyone there so my alternative to polite reporting is not permitted. If I was looking at my future on a straight road ahead of me I'd expect to see endless years of identical weeks with the odd pothole in the middle where something dreadful happened on the way. The clocks going back at the weekend will switch my photo trips to more time indoors, although how I keep finding places to go still amazes me. I looked at the map for more parks this week and am finding all sorts hidden away I'd never been to before, but that's only got a week or so left to cover. I got told off on the other blog for saying the current woman had less conversation than an answerphone, so I'll have to say it here instead. The one before who didn't want any funny business had plenty of conversation although she had apparently been diagnosed with a mental age in single figures. Go figure. She was actually very good company and I spent some years driving her all over the south of England but circumstances put that to an end eventually. I'd run out of places to go anyway but we had some good times only spoilt by absence of physical contact. Before the chronic fatigue set in I could drive anywhere, we went to Winchester Cathedral, High Wycombe (the new John Lewis on the M40), Crowthorne, Greenwich and Blackheath, Chorleywood (stuck in the snow for 7 hours coming back) and Richmond Park. With her 'problems' (there were others) she didn't work so was an ideal candidate for sharing otherwise boring days. Now someone like her without a morbid fear of physical contact would do just fine now, and she wasn't even what anyone could call attractive but was very attractive to me anyhow regardless how she looked. Some people just do the job regardless of their appearance.

My 2nd DVD of BBC trade tests is on its way next week, only one left now which is from another source that I have yet to see again. No word on the fireworks yet, I'll have to phone them soon or miss it assuming it's on. Tomorrow is the last afternoon with light for photos this year, I expect I'll cover a couple more parks nearby and of course grass and trees and sometimes flowerbeds tend to look the same the world over. I posted a picture of a country path Tuesday and someone else had an almost identical one that day from Holland. Not the first time by any means. Good views always will be but only so many possible. They allow porn on Flickr now at least and some pretty impressive stuff they have as well. How naked people can be offensive to anyone with all the really nasty pictures some people take is a mystery to me, and only indicates the religious/neurotic attitude some have to the human body and sexuality. The phrase 'sex and violence', as if similar, has always frightened me as it shows how sick many people are to include such opposites in a single sentence. They would only be equally bad if performed at the same time. Otherwise they are polar opposites.

So even though I want some plans, to find a woman to ask to the fireworks or anything else for that matter, get some more media work and anything else to break the painless but dismal weekly routine, there are no ideas to beat the reality. So I spend an hour or so each day uploading and tagging new photos and another half an hour doing this, checking all the posts on Funtrivia and any TV in between. And although I can take it or leave it, some jobs I've tried for would be a help, but I suppose the cushy numbers I apply for are so popular they usually go to the boss's nephew. I've never been against working but it's been against me. But not the most important thing in life and shouldn't be for anyone. Just an unwelcome means to an end as far as I'm concerned.

Stream of consciousness time

Well the mind wanders and however it does sometimes thinks of something new to dig up. I just made a list of every decent verse from the diarrhea song from many contributors, as many are made up you have to sort the wheat from the chaff, figuratively speaking. I nearly posted it all here but will save that for when I've got absolutely nothing to write, besides 'It's brown and it's mushy and it squirts out your tushy, diarrhea, diarrhea'. I'm quite sure Shakespeare would have used it in King Lear (or Richard III of course) had it been around at the time. A horse a horse my kingdom for a horse. It dribbles on your feet when you're running down the street. You get the picture.

Anyway, from one of my favourite subjects to real life. Plenty of shit there of course but when it's your own carpet the joke doesn't happen. I think had I been in a different situation now (and had better health but the two probably go together) I'd have a pretty good life, had I been free and unobligated in a family. With the internet I can always find something to look at but we all know what it's like to rely on that, it's the life of a recluse most of the time. I see the same ahead and haven't a clue if and how it will ever change. I did used to dream of a life in suburbia, but with me staying at home and the wife doing whatever the man used to do back when only one had to work. Of course I'd do all the housework and childcare as well as work from home, and if it was good enough for women till the 70s (before most had to work as well) it should be for men. Sexism has always been far worse against men than women as we are expected to do far more.

I've said it before, faith and hope are two sides of the same coin based on a wish for rescue. I believe nothing and expect nothing. We all should. Everything will happen whether we do or not. And like I said about the October 14th UFO prediction, you don't need to announce anything the world will know about, it announces itself. You announce something people need to know the time date and location, not an event that will never happen anyway. I know it's possible to meet a woman, and expect to based on the odds and past experience. That is based on facts and know there's a pattern. But I have no hope anything will ever happen to improve in life as that is also something that is far less likely to happen based on the same criteria. Even though I may get things I've waited years for that randomly turn up, they don't change my life as only people, inner work or outer work would. They have lasting results whereas having yet another video, however good, does not. Or all the words to the diarrhea song. Collecting creative work is no different as even if you made the video yourself it's still just a video.

I have my own experiences of extra, both the physical and beyond, and know where it lies. It may have been the reason some named it God, but are just the end of the spectrum and beyond of the highest levels of quality in life as we know them. Knowing where they are doesn't lead to having them mind you, as they are not available to the public and the ones which are aren't creatable at will. And funnily enough some on my list aren't believed by some either. Maybe when we can access these things and places easily then the rubbish of the world won't matter so much. I would never take anything good for granted, I've learnt that lesson losing most I did have to realise what I'd do with them if they ever came back but very few have. But even though I live alone and would rather be a few miles east, I still appreciate this area now and simply travel east regularly so I spend more time there like I used to. I always appreciated my friends except the fact I assumed they always came easily as they did. But as school and holidays were the places I met most then new ones stopped when they did. For some reason people I've met since may have got on reasonably well with but never became friends when we parted our business connection at work or evening classes etc.

Well tomorrow is free, I've used the sun this week for photos each day and have various local jobs tomorrow, and this may remain the routine till I'm my parent's age and beyond if I make it that far. If money was no object I'd be one of those surrogate fathers to women with no man so at least I'd have a child or two guaranteed. Of course it can happen at any time but I'd rather I was young enough to have the time with them. But it costs a fortune and I can only pay bills for myself. But if the money ever comes that's on the list.

Finally I've hardly read any blogs recently, and the main reason is besides being god's own job to save links (I have a little list) they stop writing sooner or later and have to spend ages finding new ones which have something I want to read. So many searches turn up people with profiles and no blogs I can't be bothered looking most of the time now. Or worse still last posts in 2006. That means clicking another time and then being disappointed. But I can not only talk fairly freely here but say things I'd rarely dare to in public as people would think I was a yob. One reason I swear here is I don't usually otherwise. That's how I was brought up so it has an automatic filter. I have more time to override manually here. But one thing I have said before and you have it in writing, there's not a word I write here that isn't true, as I'm not writing fiction. If something passes the check to be written in public at all then it goes in. It's what I don't put in people should think more about. Anyone who sees me contradict myself in future point it out and I'll explain it. But that is because I'm conveying years of a complex life and without a reference table of all my jobs and operations etc can't convey it all here in a sentence or two.

Little more

Just to clarify yesterday (as I did to the comments as well) I still have a few friends, but either away, busy or both plus one I talk to but never see any more. The effect is similar but the people do exist.

Back to today, one thing I have at the moment is free time, one reason I'm here more as well. They don't charge or limit what we write here so why should I be restricted? I was reading a book yesterday that says we should find just one thing in life we can do something to change and give it a little poke. If I can think of anything I will, although in the way of publicity any more would either just irritate people or make an idiot of myself (no comments on that thank you).
I still chase women from my past, and that can work as I see around me. I'm slowly collecting TV programmes from the 60s and 70s although many were destroyed before anyone could save them, no VCRs back then. There are a few major gaps I haven't tracked down yet but filled quite a few as well, including in charity shops.

Meanwhile sometimes life seems back to normal again when something reminds me of enlightenment and it does seem to resonate now unlike before. If there's a path towrds it if I'm not on it now I don't think anything else would be. The certainty I had with my intuition about so many other things is now relating the same to that, like I've finally got it. Nobody confuses me now and can see the partial expanations many give with their holes in. And I can correct them when people ask, as they do. Can you imagine my blogs of that happened? I can't but they wouldn't have much to complain about. Everything in the world would happen at a distance. You'd still enjoy life but wouldn't actually suffer from what I gather. I will no doubt see something unfold as it seems to have started.

Until then though I will be wrapped up in the ordinary as we all are. My ordinary is a lot more than many, but I did see it coming as being an only child and then have my mother leave so even less family support knew unless I got married sooner or later I'd end up stuck on my own. I discussed the woman mystery yesterday, it's not as if they've stopped producing them or I'm in the Space Shuttle, but there seems to be something of a force field around me on that front at the moment. I remember a woman here who said she was interested in me, although like primary school she showed it by being rude and got pissed off when I objected. God help me if she hadn't liked me. Then she did nothing about it anyway even though she could have.
Funnily enough the annual fireworks party at my old school is next week (although they haven't sent me anything) and I've taken two girlfriends to that before. There's one's sister (the one pissing me around at the moment) and the other who never fancied me and was considering calling after a long gap out of lack of alternatives. If I can think of someone suitable as well it'll be a big surprise. I have a week anyway. Last time there wasn't even any food and we had to go to Starburger afterwards just as they were about to close. She'd already eaten before we got there but still had another meal.

I suspect I'll either take the current one through availability with no 'funny business' or go on my own and not see anyone I know. Not the first time or the last. The rest awaits to be seen but fairly predictable I suppose.

The world today

One question that comes to mind at the moment, am I getting anywhere? In what I call duality, ie the world before enlightenment where everything is real despite being told it's not, sod all. Absolutely zero. Every plan this year has ended up in landfill, women, media work and any other plan that could have improved my life had it actually happened.
Thank goodness outside duality my own inner work as been shifted as there is now no mental blockage to enlightenment. I'm even noticing little things for the first time since I began this path in 1997 and know they are signs something in there probably is happening. But until and unless it keeps doing so I'm still in this world and would like it to provide some more than there currently is.

I've got nothing left in the way of work or social projects, the last lot delivered what they did and that's it. Some of the old ones will crawl on, like selling a few more photobooks and postcards, but they are at a loss more or less and won't get me any better work unless a shop was to order some. At least with my health picking up I now both visit and appreciate covering my areas, the shops of NW11, N10 and NW3 for a start. Before it was just as routine as cleaning my teeth but now I realise what I can get from every interactive part of my life, being stopped from it for so long. Technically it only needs one, two at the most people to fix many of my problems from lack of pleasure. One friend and one woman. Too much of a tall order? 97% of all those over 25 I come across who want not to be single (OK it's a guess but probably not far off) so why should I be left out? It must include (anti-PC alert!!!) cripples, midgets and mingers who all seem to more or less manage like everyone else, albeit not as frequently, so how did I miss? All the elements one would say women were looking for besides being normal height were in my profile at one stage or other but made no difference. The good ones always left before things got interesting, even if it was not because of me.

So day by day more little jobs need to be doing as we all have (unless we have other people to do them for us), I wander around collecting new bus numbers and station photos for the groups, and write about it afterwards. I have compared my blogs to exploring a well used hanky at times, as you just go from one mess to the next. I can't philosophise that besides seeing all events come in phases, big and small. Including non events, which all rolled up this year. I did sell 10 postcards, see a dodgy car number plate with the camera this time, and get a DVD of the colour trade tests I hadn't seen since 1972, but in a year or so that's not really much, but at least on the inner side my major project may just have opened up. But that is unknown territory and can't see what may be ahead, if anything is. That's new science so not able to navigate any unless I learn more from experience. It just takes one area to shift. It's a big ask but one which others seem to get, at least with friends and partners, with little effort. The business side is more in my control besides the ultimate fame element, unless I start showing myself off in other ways if I can think of any. Without the help of an insider that path is almost shut and I can't think of any others I can become connected with.

Meanwhile the economy affects those involved with it, a few go broke and many lose their jobs, and many more are being rewarded and if whoever objected to me getting benefits for major medical issues then divert your wrath to the greedy bastards who gambled on getting more debts repayed than was possible and are now being fed far more than I'll ever be given in my life. It's not those who deserve money that are given it all the time but those who have the real power. It's called corruption and because of that there isn't enough for those who really do need it. I borrowed once for a loft conversion, it cost me far more than I expected and paid it off as soon as possible and never again. Loft conversions are one of the few areas where work done will on average return twice the investment if you paid a reasonable price, and I needed the space. But in the same situation again I'd move somewhere cheaper with the room already. I've learnt, will anyone else?

My crystal ball is now clear. It sees a horizon hours ahead and beyond that the assumption is based on inertia, that things will stay the same unless something moves one of them. Even watching the economy news has lost its appeal after doing some research. The recessions since the 30s have been so trivial to all but the unluckiest, and like climate change, I was totally unaware of their existence besides what I was told on the news. Except they were real unlike climate change (besides the fact it always does). What we have now is simply a worldwide shared debt based on unrestricted lending and the resulting carnage. No cause at all in the real world. No droughts, shortages or wars beyond the average. Just greed. The lenders were greedy and fed on greedy borrowers with apparently no end to the repayments based on property security which was worth half what was lent on it. I'm not an expert but that is the level of maths I did in kindergarten. They stuffed their heads in the sand and pretended it couldn't happen. So now world governments have decided the claim needed for benefits now includes corporate bankruptcy. Please start disapproving of others now, I could never compete with them.

Plans needed now

Another week has passed, or passed away, I'm not sure yet. Routine is the word, and the high spot was probably when a door to door hawker came today trying to sell me Sky TV and was not only honest but I was on the verge of asking her out. A few more minutes and I would have but she won't be back so too late. It does show how people come to us though if nothing else, just like my late pussycat did in 1999. I have ticked off a series of jobs, I cleared my whole laundry basket for the first time since I had it, bought a week's food, got my postcards back they didn't want, got my 2nd excerpt from Mystery Hunters online at last although with a logo in it, filled in some official forms for a job I did, as well as the usual photos and family visits.
I see a path ahead where this happens endlessly, killing time and just doing what I either have to do or can think of to occupy myself. I reject as many people as reject me as we all find some people more trouble than no one at all. I may have to revive at least one of those when the space becomes too much, as there's no one else I can think of. If they even want to see me again.
Since my annual holiday stopped I've met nearly all my friends from others. Some parties but either way friends of friends. So when the friends dry up you stop finding more. A circular equation.

I do know everything goes in unexplained phases, so this should end as all have before it, but not through my hand. Something in the way of a blockage has to shift and I can't poke it myself. However I seem to have an inner blockage going since my understanding of enlightenment and that would cover everything else, but till then I live in duality and have to suffer it. So with no sensible plans I can either fill the house with more paintings, do more dodgy music recordings, meditate, watch all my videos and more TV, make phone calls with nothing to talk about, keep looking up old friends who don't want to hear from me, or something original.
One friend agreed if I am placed in a position not to go out a lot there's a reason for it, and I agree. It's not like I'm missing anything besides football and now I've been back I'm not missing it now. All the other places besides friend's houses are worn out by now and of little interest if I never go to them again. People go out because they're bored as much as any positive reason, there's a quota of films and performances we all want to cover, parties and the like, and travelling. I did it for 25 years, some was good, but realised without a family and woman to come home to life was pretty empty. So I've got my priorities right and if I can't manage what everyone else still does then who cares. I even managed to swallow a rude word there, I am learning. Probably as I was so heavily told off and punished when I did at about 8 I feel like catching up now as I can. 40 years of repressed f words. My mother turned me into a bloody wuss. Shows you can't remove energy, you either release it or store it for later.

So what ridiculous plans can I think of? I can make a video of suburbia with someone filming me with a plan, script and professional equipment I can't afford, and no company who wants it, and have to pay an editor to finish the job. Then I could write a book based on my life and philosophy to gather dust and be read by no one. Both would take a lot of time and end up with a very costly product which was absolutely worthless. And these are the big projects I actually can do given the time and money. I tried the dating agencies and clubs twice already (I don't mean I used them twice, but spent a few years twice with one girlfriend to show for it all and hundreds of pounds down the pan) so seen that's a useless pursuit, I'd love to nose around the inside of houses in Golders Green to see where I'd like to move given the money but haven't the cheek as I'm not a genuine buyer. I will be doing some IQ tests to see if it's worth doing another one for Mensa, and beyond that can't think of a thing.

I learnt some time ago there are no answers, not in duality, as that is its nature. And what drives a few people in every thousand to look beyond. If you're satisfied with life you're one of the lucky ones, but many are just pretending as they feel it's a sign of failure to admit you're not, but believe me, it's the nature of life that is bound to make us unsatisfied sooner or later, and if not you're either very lucky or just not there yet. We all share the same universe.