Sunday, December 17, 2006

Dead and buried

Dead and buried

I always have projects on the go, sadly only the minimum end in success, the others all die sooner or later before anything comes of them. Christine is now apparently lost for good despite actually still liking me and being about the second best potential partner I ever knew. What a bloody waste. I finally have a likely date coming up sooner or later though not yet known if more than a friend from her side. The other woman is fine physically but not around at the moment and pretty irritating once she opens her mouth (to talk, anyway). But if she was interested with my years of experience I would still probably keep her and just put up with it.
So besides paid mail order shopping arriving there’s little else except my new lenses which are due over the Christmas weekend so are bound to be later than planned. I hope to get some sunglasses made on Tuesday as it would be nice to see properly again sooner rather than later. Looking at the depressing figures of my hit counter my original 50 a day has dropped to 15 even though my performance barely changes. OK, that is probably why but I can’t (or anyone else) write about someone else’s life and I refuse to write as a quasi journalist as I’m not and only would on the stuff I write about already. With a few bogies and wet farts thrown in when I feel like it (figuratively that is). I suppose in a few hundred years they’ll fix it so you can send real farts on the internet (someone will make a fortune) but till then I just create them in your mind.

As it goes there was an essential list of jobs I completed well last week. Forget the fucking dentist, life sucks enough without looking for extra aggravation when you don’t need it. Recovering from chronic fatigue I now appreciate every trip I make as there were times I couldn’t. That plus my rapid heartbeat which was like altitude sickness. So now I do one thing at a time and realise how important each is, and just need understanding friends and family (which I do) to let me take things at a pace I am able to. And to compensate I did so much at and around home that my 2006 record is pretty impressive, loads of paintings, photos and 2 more TV filmings. I refuse to lie down and give up and whatever I can’t do I try and do whatever I can. In the comfort of a family home none of this would be noticed so much, jobs are shared and shopping is done by whoever is free at the time. And all the other jobs. But no great plans yet besides these mentioned.

The last element which seems pretty absent at the moment are all things spiritual. Nothing. I do no more or less on that front but life seems more down to earth and ordinary than it ever has. Not a clue of any higher powers, just everyday crap as expected each time. If fame or fortune are around the corner it’s such a blind corner even a periscope twisted to 359’ wouldn’t be able to see it. Not that you ever get any clues in advance. Driving around Golders Green yesterday still inspired me to move should I ever be able to afford it as it is by far the most civilised part of London and mine is no longer that great, having been there in the 60s and seen the differences. Golders Green has little changed and besides the inevitable loss of shops and everyone I knew there as well the area is much as it was 40 years ago. Hampstead Garden Suburb, where I did live, is better and more expensive with smaller houses and unless I marry money would get a rabbit hutch there with all the money I could scrape together. My house and area look fine really so I stay where I am, but having spent most of my life around Golders Green I’d feel more settled there than anywhere else nowadays as it is a link with all the best things I had. All my life people have said I expect everything without doing anything for it.
Look at the facts, taking endless retakes of exams until I became qualified in as many fields as I could without O level maths and the money to do a local masters degree, taking assorted jobs with shit pay and hours, then applying for many better ones until I only got the bare minimum. After being made redundant I still applied for hundreds of similar jobs, the only one I got lasting a week through no fault of my own. Everything else I did since has been at the end of my limits much of the time but it’s careful planning not effort plus a lot of luck that gets success, not hard work alone. That’s strength above intelligence and doesn’t work. All the best things I ever had were just there, I didn’t even plan them. That’s the only formula I know of.

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