Saturday, December 02, 2006


Besides having had my computer repaired, house painted and done some gardening there's nothing to report this week. My mum said I was dwelling on the past and it's a pity I haven't got a decent present and I answered when it comes to pleasure it's down to other people and I can't control them. And it only takes one. Down to pure bloody chance who when and how. Nothing you can do beyond the first step of communicating with people and see what happens. So as the present is barely worth reporting I could fantasise to the alternatives, ie everything not happening that's positive.

Like my dreams, I could be married, being filmed in TV studios (was in an audience once in 1974 but didn't say anything), living in a huge house back in the old country (the one near Golders Green that is) or any other number of combinations. Living with someone else would be the best, then having a girlfriend up to my standards. Then having my friend back from the other side of the world. All fantasy though all totally possible as well unlike my supernatural related ones. And not a sign of them or much else happening ahead either. Sod all really. My second not TV appearance is due for February as is my 3rd Discovery Channel appearance. I hope I get the video of the second as otherwise I may well never see it unless they move it to TV eventually.

Until then I will be taking the last photos on my list which I fear will be so similar to the rest even I won't be able to tell the difference. Most of these activities come to an end as they are closed systems, like my enormous model car collection which now needs its own museum. Far too many for a little house. So it really is time for someone or something, in the theme of fantasy, to rescue me from this tedium. My old friend from the past recently reunited would be the best opportunity, she will apparently contact me again so I wait patiently. Nothing is going to happen as it may do every 10 years though I can hardly think of an example. I did meet my best girlfriend 31 years ago after being dropped by the first 7 girls at the disco I tried, but that went to pot before it became fulfilled.
Since then surprises have been of the negative nature. My mum announced her imminent departure and was gone within the minute. My friend announced they were moving thousands of miles away while the others had dropped me long since. That sort of thing. Every now and again I get a little bonus but nothing life changing. So the situation may well be a life sentence. I couldn't even pay someone I liked to share with me let alone get them in for nothing. Renting attracts drifters who are lazy and unreliable at best and major criminals at worst, and I will never do that again. Friends are all hard workers and have their own places and partners. One tenant I knew from work was the only one who became a friend (who associated with criminals though) and despite cramming a few days spending most of our time together she got a better offer and left the district. I'd have let her live here for free now but she's probably living with another criminal now anyway.

So, it carries on continually the same way and I observe it almost as an outsider. It's not a total disaster but in contrast with this past I can compare it with is as empty as a dream where you realise whatever you have isn't there once you realise you are dreaming. The fantasies are the same, though more attainable in theory, but in practice no more likely. Are there others in the same position who would do anything to hook up with someone else to remove two more people from the list? If so we are having great problems finding each other and especially on the same continent. What an abortion, as my old friend Jon would say (and being as PC as Bernard Manning's ruder brother I quite agree). Freedom of speech rules.

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