Saturday, December 09, 2006

On the verge of insanity

If any insanity is environmentally related then I'm well on the way. I have passed through the worst known elements, the computer just works (no sound or ethernet though) and I did what needed doing this week more or less and there's little known ahead to sort out, not that that ever stopped it happening. Christine proved as hopeless (as in my benefit) as I expected, she now says she can't call me because of her boyfriend. Well fancy that, I am so surprised, not. But knowing one of the best women around thinks so much of me in itself tells me I do have assets as well and am now aware of them and hope to use them. It's just a shame not with her.

Otherwise nothing has changed, as if it would. No time for an eye test this week being on call to collect the computer, besides work bookings, one of which blocked Tuesday and never turned up. Thank goodness when it's sunny I still have time to take photos before it gets dark, and got some more today. The other benefit is finding so many little roads and corners within a couple of miles I never knew were there. I took most of the places I knew already, and now follow features like railway lines on the map and find views I would never have seen otherwise. All the usual solitary pursuits but I've been doing that a long time wherever I go out. The difference between having just one regular friend, girlfriend or wife and none is 100%. That's why so many couples drop their friends, they just don't need them any more. I do but am in the minority as like a couple of others I took my girlfriend with me to friends, rather than just see her and drop them till we inevitably broke up. So my mother blamed me and made out like it was my own fault since my last true friends (ie the ones who still saw me) left the country in 2002 I hadn't met any more. Well there's no direct way of doing it. I realised I think the last new friend I met was at college in 1982. I rarely get new friends who qualify and they last around 20 years on average.
Unless I've missed anyone (I have met others since but didn't really consider them close or interesting enough) I can't really see it that easy to meet anyone new, let alone a partner. All the others were just around at school, holiday or friends of my parents families. But no way is it my fault as she thinks. My analysis is unfortunately too damn accurate and outsiders who don't follow my life that closely have no clue what and how I operate. There's no direct way of making friends, and meeting people does not equal making friends. There is no shortage of friend material, just not available to me through distance or work rules. That's just how it is. If it's really true the last new friend I met was 1982 (and there's no reason to think I missed anyone) the chances of making new ones are hardly likely to widen now. Of course I never needed any till now as I had so many already. They dropped out one by one till I was left with the one, and when he left the country that was the end. It was literally like losing a leg and though friends, unlike legs, can return, it's like a temporary amputation. And the one person I met online not thousands of miles away rejected my offer to meet so as always, life has to come half way, and until it does I can only do things my usual way. There are none better for me.

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