Saturday, December 30, 2006
If I'm lucky tomorrow I may get pictures of the North Circular in Hanger Lane Ealing, assuming it isn't dark when I go that way. Besides that over 24 hours how much else can happen? Not a lot comes the answer. Does it put me off? Not at all. The good news was my hits have increased a bit so maybe people were busy in the holiday week unlike me who is hardly ever busy on any part of any year. Of course I used to be but things change imperceptibly until you find your life has moved somewhere else and there's really sod all you can do to beat the greater picture. Ahead now is the day the guy can make my new computer (it's not off the shelf and needs my existing hard drive), probably in 2 weeks. I also remembered Tales of the riverbank after hearing something on the radio and ordered a video of it which was one of my favourite programmes in the 1960s, and actually spent half an hour waiting on Doncaster Station platform with Johnny Morris in about 1982 though I didn't go and speak to him. And there wasn't a zebra in sight (for those who watched Animal Magic like I did).
I also had a conversation with someone (I honestly can't remember who, the subject is usually far more important than the source for me) that I wonder how many people in life find life improves and they prefer the present to the past and vice versa. I saw life peak around 1969 and then fall apart slowly from about 1981 onwards progressively. I can technically catalogue every element and it was just like losing teeth until there were none left. Of course once you lose your teeth that's it, and it sometimes feels what I had was here when it was time and now it's gone that's the lot. I doubt that could be right but in practical terms it's possible though not inevitable. With two more days left of the year I don't believe the number matters. Landmarks count not dates, and besides a birthday every January which really makes me think about time passing the rest just carries on as always. Though I know it only takes one person to change all this but people are like angels, they come when they choose and not you. Luckily I'm not paranoid like some people I know and take it personally, I know they all left for their own reasons and I was nothing to do with it. That's the problem, people can't consider others when they move away. Not even me really. I know my family would miss me and probably an ex girlfriend but the others wouldn't even notice I suspect. I can come half way and make calls but if they don't return I have to let them go.
Unless I've missed anyone the last new close friend I met was probably at college in 1982. It's not that I had no friends since, I just kept the same ones. I barely have women as close friends as sex intervenes. Either I want it and they don't, no friendship there, or vice versa where I rarely turn it down, don't enjoy it and let them go, same result. Had it been mutual I would be telling a different story now. I have met many people since them but the closest to friends were also pains in the arse and however well we got on I had to suffer at the same time. A true friendship shouldn't have faults so I didn't include it. And I kept going to the same holiday place till 1989 but though I pulled many times I didn't meet any new friends there though half the ones I know were met there in the 60s and 70s. Do people rarely meet new friends once they grow up? I don't know. Though I never needed new friends it didn't stop me meeting them and admittedly I had a very close female friend I met around 1984 until she got engaged, though I was still interested in more she was such good fun I still loved to see her, and another around then who wanted more from me but I enjoyed her company and tested her body and unfortunately the mind won. She also left to get married and divorced so maybe I did have female friends as well though both times one wanted more but the friendships were strong enough to survive despite wanting more. So I remembered something more as we do when we talk about it. I'm still only at the early 80s, meaning I can't think of a friend I met more recently than that, but if it comes to me I'll add it in. But a best friend is only one person and for the first time ever there's a vacancy.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
One element in common is how boring it is to live alone. Most people admit or freely describe how inadequate it is, and secondly more people are beginning to realise whatever shortcomings it has, being at home and around your own community is better than travelling all over the place once you've looked around and seen it isn't all that much. Wherever you go you always come home so you may as well make the most of it. People think excitement involves running away and frantic activity, but it isn't. Hours in front of TV with friends on holiday or here beat any other experiences, especially with good programmes and people. Watching Ian Botham and Alan Knott win the 1977 test match with all my friends making silly comments on holiday, watching one of the best films of my life, amazingly a French one called La premier fois, with the same bunch of friends, and also sitting watching goodness knows what when the cleaning lady's daughter walked in like an angel from heaven and sat on my lap. Those are memories, and like Big Brother, just involve being in a room with interesting people you know. Going to events is hit and miss and when they go wrong can put you off for ages.
It doesn't even seem to come with age. I know people in their 80s still travelling the world. Some didn't wait till they retired, they always did it. Good luck to them, but don't let anyone try and persuade anyone else it's the right thing to do. I spend many of my holidays waiting to return home unless they're particularly good. I was always happy at home, especially when I was off work. I love looking at old photos to remind me of things which aren't exactly the same recalling by memory. I prefer as much realism as possible, film as well as photo, and our holiday photographer used to show silent colour movies from god knows when, including me from my first visit at 8. I loved watching the show every year as I got older and knew nearly all the people in the film, and apart from the movie camera bit I took over his job for 2 years as official still photographer till he decided to take it up again. Nowadays my high spots are few and far between, and friends even more so. At the moment. I'm in a phase of drought on most fronts and like the weather we can't make it rain, we just have to carry on and hope.
I even seem to lose my sense of humour at times, I have other things to say and can't always see the funny side of things. But who doesn't? I'm barely waiting either. Little to wait for still. Got my glasses now and can see road signs at night clearly again. Talk about the little things. Tomorrow for instance I may take yet more photos in Colindale, and if open Fridays (Jewish area) go and get my second glasses made up. The thing is the more I become aware of what's important in life the less I get of it. So far...
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Having finished my list of photos of places I knew I scanned the map to see new features and dug up many more. I started yesterday following the railway line through Kenton and have plenty ahead. I see so many fascinating places in between known roads now and had I had enough spare memory I'd have upped the pixels for this one of Kenton Station.
This is a country style tudor house worth well over a million in Hampstead Garden Suburb, I have so many pictures of the area I lived in and took for granted until forced to leave (or live in a flat, no way) when the family house was sold.
I had galloping vertigo this morning and as I only had it 12 years ago thank goodness that was the age of the remaining tablets which still seemed to do the job. I have to wait and see how that goes before I get my next glasses and take photos of the railway in Finchley, till then I'm slowly getting stuff done at home though I was just ok to pick my glasses up first. For any other anoraks (or opticians) out there my new prescription is -2 cylinder in both eyes plus a -1.75 sphere in the left and -.5 sphere in the right. Then a +1.25 addition for reading as he somehow knew I couldn't read without a correction with this prescription at my age (47 next month). I'm watching the Dr Who I missed on Christmas Day at 8, and little on after that besides possibly on cable. But I'm keeping busy more or less and can't ask for more than that. I wish I could...
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Blogger seems to be working now though I need to redirect the login manually it gets me there eventually. Then in a couple of weeks the new computer arrives, 3 times faster than this and Intel chip this time. And a Windows CD if you know what I mean. I have 4-6 people coming new year's eve, something of a tradition since the last 2 places I went to are no longer available. I'd like one of the prospective women on my list to come but she has no transport and would probably not want to bother, plus my other friends would probably embarrass her with comments about getting it on with me. Probably better to wait and see her privately. London can be such a shit place with distances being expanded by 10 compared to travelling outside, if you drive 10 miles into London it can take the same time as driving from here to Birmingham, I've done it and am so put off wasting time waiting to get to places I rarely bother now and just avoid the areas altogether. I know more and more people who if they meet people in difficult areas just don't bother with them. Why the hell we should live in a society where despite hardly anyone we know being around full stop, then having to restrict who we see by location as it's so hard to get around? Talk about middle ages, it is now no easier to travel round London than it was with horses. It's not just me, the tougher it gets the more people add to the list of frustration.
I really need something to change and unfortunately these sort of changes come as miracles when they do. 14 years of living alone has become less easy to tolerate rather than used to it, as I really see no end without a miracle and don't see why when so many others are alone they should have to at all. There is little worse than insoluble problems, especially when you've been used to having the sort of intellect that can solve problems better than most. When you then come across one you and others know is beyond any help it's like losing your legs. How many people haven't been satisfied with a situation to the extent of solving it? Or at least doing everything they could in case they could. Mythology is full of impossible tasks and whether or not there is a god there's a situation or 3 thousand round here that I do not find necessary or helpful. Am I alone here?
Sunday, December 24, 2006
1 pair of new bifocal lenses, a CD, new bolts for my office chair, a new computer, a replacement DVD burner (not needed now, will ask for credit) and also a meeting with someone I met online. Then once the shop reopens on Wednesday hopefully get my new sunglasses. I may have forgotten more but that's a lot more than usual to wait for. No more shopping plans now, almost all the remaining items that aren't here already weren't by choice, the computer is falling apart and my eyes have changed so those expenses are unavoidable. And as I always follow up these things are fun but don't take the place of people. Nothing will ever replace the value of other people around which I will remind everyone whenever I can. Once you've got people around then the items add to the quality of life but on their own are extras.
I had to go out relatively early today as the gym closed at 3 so by the time I got back was happy to do bugger all the rest of the day, and there is less (actually nothing) on TV than I'd ever come across before. It wasn't even turned on most of the day and there's only tripe on now as background. But unlike the last few years Christmas Day is showing new and decent programmes again which nowadays is all there is to do then. No family stuff besides my dad and grandma and that's all. No traditional dinner either as my grandma is too old to make it but we have to go there as she can't travel too far- she'll be 97 in February and no worse for wear.
So, if I stopped doing this for a few weeks would anyone notice? Since I've been checking hardly anyone's still writing here anymore. Life goes on every day so why have so many people stopped reporting it? I don't find other people's stories become boring after a while, they are as interesting as the people are, like soap operas, and go on indefinitely. Well mine does anyway. But if I'm writing soon for an audience of zero (in a few weeks at this rate) I will carry on as if not what will I do with all these ideas (no comments please).
Well, new blogger worked today so maybe it's fixed or just prefers the laptop. Pity I haven't got more to write but besides a N2 postcode photo trip yesterday, following the NW11 last Saturday, there's not a lot more to report. I can usually just get blood out of a stone but only so much, sorry.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
So, being the first post on new blogger and starting with a rude word is typical as this week my floppy drive, ethernet card and new DVD burner (as well as my kettle) have all gone west and if any bug has got in the system to eat my hardware like a worm then I am not happy with it. The DVD was the reason the computer crashed as I tried each plug till that did it, and it's going in tomorrow for new parts. No accounts or saving anything else until then.
Otherwise a productive week, all my leaks repaired and lots of photos taken, little bits of shopping done and basically did all the jobs that needed doing for a change. Because of Christmas my glasses will be later than intended, it will be such a relief to see perfectly again though unless I'm driving or looking at Ceefax I barely notice at the moment.
I pass my blog site to the odd person and one by one the women I write about may well recognise themselves here. Now I only write nice things about them or not at all, one appears to have worked out I fancy the underwear off her but am too young (despite providing the potential of a man my age, if you get my drift). Another has it but I won't believe she's read it till she tells me (or comments in the box). Meanwhile my hits have slid to 7 a day recently, from the original 50. Of course the people who leave are the ones I want to say why and they aren't reading this to know. If I changed the system and commented more again it may get the odd visitor but they are rarely regulars. Now I am interested in following my progress to see if I ever make it in a number of areas:
Women, fame, not living alone, getting a new/old friend, peace of mind etc etc., and though these things have come and gone over the years I've been hoping to reclaim them all since they went some time ago, except fame which, like business, I am far more in control of than the personal stuff and haven't yet experienced. But of all of that ,list I'm closer to it than the others as it involves a clear step by step process and I am on the first one of a few. If a Channel 4 programme is made next year I should be in it and jump at least one more. I'm on Discovery Channel again around February though no exact date yet. I hope I'll be on closer to 10 minutes than the few in my debut but any exposure will help.
A book I read last week says only when we realise no one will rescue us do things start to improve. Now there only needs to be one person to start that process and one may be reading this now.
Plans? Get the computer fixed, get my new glasses (-3.75 in one eye already), save the accounts when the computer's working, finish tidying the house, wait for the next two women I know to contact me to see them, find out my TV showing, and get more visitors here somehow. At least I'm aiming for things that are realistic...
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
I am hoping my new bifocals will arrive early before Christmas or they may end up around a week late and I'd like to see properly again. OK, the difference while driving is barely noticeable but that's partly as I'm used to it. Tomorrow is free after today spent helping the plumber/electrician all afternoon, and I may manage to get my sunglasses made so I can see to drive perfectly sooner than later. I am wondering whether my hit counter is on a temporary decline, blogging has generally been replaced by videos or it's temporary. I see the day when it stays the same number for days or even weeks, and although I used to write for 50 people a day, it became 15 and when I look soon it may well be in single figures. I know it's not me as I write the same shit every time, so maybe people either want variety (it reflects life, I can only report what happens) or have better things to do than the internet unlike me. Even when I go out it's often to post later on as photos or blogging, and I am using it as a way to communicate everything to anyone who comes across it by accident.
Any tips on why IE7 is dead and whether it's happened to others would be much helpful, especially as I presume we've all been given the same 'upgrade' this week and those without an alternative browser are now paying upwards of 25p a minute to call their ISPs to ask why they can't go online. Bloody great.
Other than that I'd been discussing my mother's theories how I can improve my life and was told why they were way off base, as my spare time (99% of it is) is reasonably well used despite being alone a lot of the time nowadays, it wasn't about going out and mixing with people as I used to, but where and how I live, ie alone and not with a family of any type. Now that is the gap I want to fill and joining clubs isn't the way, meeting a woman I like who both likes me and is free to do something about it is, and Christine is the latest example of that, she appeared to but is far from free. If anything would force me out it would be her, travelling 50 miles would only really be worth it for someone like her and although testing my energy by doing the trip won't happen I would have tried. Not now. Her final sounding text she didn't want to contact me again seemed to override her initial plan to visit me when she came this way next year. Apparently she thought better of that as if the temptation's not there she can't act on it. Now if she isn't married to this guy and she finds she prefers me, why not? You move on and up with boyfriends and girlfriends till you want to keep one and in my case marry one, though she has been put off that for life. So they live seperately but she is as loyal to him as a husband so has no sensible reason not to be. Total madness and who loses out but me?
So visiting clubs and societies is to follow an interest. If you find friends there it's a bonus and I rarely have myself and I'd been going since I was about 7. We'd do our stuff, go home and meet the next week. I did see the rare person from groups and classes over the years but never really became friends with any. I met mine at school, on holiday and through my parents. Not now, except through my parents and they are either too old for me (it was their friend's children back then when they all lived together) or not interested. I met as many suitable women since I stopped socialising much but they all spat me out like I had a worm in me. Including Christine despite a definite wish to do the opposite. I am setting up my next as I write though I am in the sad position of comparing with the lost Christine now and need to see her and anyone else since as themselves without any reference to others. Well, that's Tuesday (OK, technically Wednesday), and maybe why so few people read this anymore. I have no idea.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
I always have projects on the go, sadly only the minimum end in success, the others all die sooner or later before anything comes of them. Christine is now apparently lost for good despite actually still liking me and being about the second best potential partner I ever knew. What a bloody waste. I finally have a likely date coming up sooner or later though not yet known if more than a friend from her side. The other woman is fine physically but not around at the moment and pretty irritating once she opens her mouth (to talk, anyway). But if she was interested with my years of experience I would still probably keep her and just put up with it.
So besides paid mail order shopping arriving there’s little else except my new lenses which are due over the Christmas weekend so are bound to be later than planned. I hope to get some sunglasses made on Tuesday as it would be nice to see properly again sooner rather than later. Looking at the depressing figures of my hit counter my original 50 a day has dropped to 15 even though my performance barely changes. OK, that is probably why but I can’t (or anyone else) write about someone else’s life and I refuse to write as a quasi journalist as I’m not and only would on the stuff I write about already. With a few bogies and wet farts thrown in when I feel like it (figuratively that is). I suppose in a few hundred years they’ll fix it so you can send real farts on the internet (someone will make a fortune) but till then I just create them in your mind.
As it goes there was an essential list of jobs I completed well last week. Forget the fucking dentist, life sucks enough without looking for extra aggravation when you don’t need it. Recovering from chronic fatigue I now appreciate every trip I make as there were times I couldn’t. That plus my rapid heartbeat which was like altitude sickness. So now I do one thing at a time and realise how important each is, and just need understanding friends and family (which I do) to let me take things at a pace I am able to. And to compensate I did so much at and around home that my 2006 record is pretty impressive, loads of paintings, photos and 2 more TV filmings. I refuse to lie down and give up and whatever I can’t do I try and do whatever I can. In the comfort of a family home none of this would be noticed so much, jobs are shared and shopping is done by whoever is free at the time. And all the other jobs. But no great plans yet besides these mentioned.
The last element which seems pretty absent at the moment are all things spiritual. Nothing. I do no more or less on that front but life seems more down to earth and ordinary than it ever has. Not a clue of any higher powers, just everyday crap as expected each time. If fame or fortune are around the corner it’s such a blind corner even a periscope twisted to 359’ wouldn’t be able to see it. Not that you ever get any clues in advance. Driving around Golders Green yesterday still inspired me to move should I ever be able to afford it as it is by far the most civilised part of London and mine is no longer that great, having been there in the 60s and seen the differences. Golders Green has little changed and besides the inevitable loss of shops and everyone I knew there as well the area is much as it was 40 years ago. Hampstead Garden Suburb, where I did live, is better and more expensive with smaller houses and unless I marry money would get a rabbit hutch there with all the money I could scrape together. My house and area look fine really so I stay where I am, but having spent most of my life around Golders Green I’d feel more settled there than anywhere else nowadays as it is a link with all the best things I had. All my life people have said I expect everything without doing anything for it.
Look at the facts, taking endless retakes of exams until I became qualified in as many fields as I could without O level maths and the money to do a local masters degree, taking assorted jobs with shit pay and hours, then applying for many better ones until I only got the bare minimum. After being made redundant I still applied for hundreds of similar jobs, the only one I got lasting a week through no fault of my own. Everything else I did since has been at the end of my limits much of the time but it’s careful planning not effort plus a lot of luck that gets success, not hard work alone. That’s strength above intelligence and doesn’t work. All the best things I ever had were just there, I didn’t even plan them. That’s the only formula I know of.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Good evening, this is Uri Geller, I am taking over here for a little to speak to all of you reading David's blog. Now many of you will have seen me bending spoons, there is so much more I do as well as this. I am not a healer but I believe in positive thought, and if we all put our thoughts together we can all work to get rid of the suffering in the world. If you want something to happen come up to the screen and find an item that is not working, like a watch or a radio set, and say to it 'work, work!'. My power will come through the screen and many of you will find strange things happening around you, many people have had things come back they have lost a long time ago, and items have moved around in the house when there was no one there to touch them. Believe, trust in the power of thought and you will move a mountain. I wish you all peace and love, goodbye.
OK, I'm back. Having met the great man a couple of times at lectures I'm pretty familiar with his routines, and I still can't disprove much of what he does. It's just odd no one else I've ever checked has ever been able to do anything that similar.
Rather than relate a week of banality anything is probably an improvement. I have had my eyes tested and can no longer get away with one lens per eye as the time has come for bifocals. Bloody expensive bifocals and not for over a week. But at least I'll be able to see very well as long as I don't put my new glasses on upside down. Other than that little task nothing has really changed since last visit. My floppy drive is now as dead as England's chances in the Ashes, typically as I need it to do my accounts work. So as soon as one problem's fixed two more arrive and at this rate there'll be nothing left of the old computer once every part's needed replacement.
So things are pretty quiet here at the moment with little or nothing seen ahead. Time can drag at times, mainly as I'm on my own and need luck or effort to speak to a real person I know rather than the local shopkeepers. There must be so many people in a similar position who also want to be with others but how on earth do you find them? Not by asking online I'll guess. The plumber promised to fix my dodgy boiler now it's really behaving badly but nothing there either as usual. He fitted it and really needs to do it himself. He was happy enough to do a job opposite but still avoids me like he's a woman.
Finally I did go somewhere tonight where I may have met someone from the internet, I'd forgotten his name but when I got to where he worked in a cinema they claimed not to know him. Very odd. One more set up for the new year so I will see. Meanwhile it's wait and keep waiting for anything else I need, though the 2 items of clothing I won on ebay arrived, one too big and different from what I expected and the other too small but both so cheap. Good value, not. And more to arrive soon. But it's only things and they can't take the place of people. Maybe I should stick as Uri Geller here...
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Otherwise there's little to report, the woman front creeps along slowly with Christine being in the recycle bin of life, no use but with a tiny chance of revival. Don't buy clothes online, whatever the size unless you try them on there's at least a one size variation in reality and mine arrived one a size too big and one too small but I just got away with it. Any more and it would be endless trips to the post office and postage costs on top. And these items weren't either in shops or as cheap had they been so it was worth the gamble.
Now after such fun and games being the highlights of the week I am struggling to squeeze another drop from my report. All I seem to do is act as a shield to all the arrows Shakespeare described long ago and hope as few as possible get through. One woman is possible soon so not all black ahead, though it may well only be a friendship. But it's a start and she is a lot nicer than the junk I currently have to deal with who treat me like a doormat or toilet roll depending on what day it is. It's really no surprise I've been searching in the realms of the supernatural for so long as it's my best chance of an escape. Life can (was) be bloody good but it can be hell as well. We need an escape route when it does and knowing spirits were around or I could be heard and seen by other dimensions would help a lot.
Tomorrow is currently a rare open book, time and light permitting I may take some more photos, my only reliable occupation I can do easily now. Little nearby left to take, one has severe traffic issues and the other is where I was today and will be Friday so no point making three in a row. So all I am doing now is making the most of my revived internet connection, the modem has never gone down for more than a few hours and I thought it would be a home visit. I won't be pissing around with plugs and programs again, if it works at all, leave it. I know it makes sense.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
So, what's next? I really prefer not to think. When the highlights of last week were getting a computer back nearly as good as it was before it packed up (except for the new version of Windows which is why I chose the place at all) and sending my Christmas cards, plus some more local photos is really about all I can expect. I would really like to get an eye test, energy permitting, and will see what's available in a couple of days. I would like to read teletext properly and suspect that means stronger lenses. No one else on earth gives a flying fuck about these details but they are the only ones I have. Then if I go there are a bunch of photos in the area I will probably take to make an afternoon of it. If I had anyone else with me I'd then go to Sherrard's for tea, where in the summer I get my food there and eat it in the park next door, photo on Flickr site. I used to live in the next road but now have to commute about 4 miles just to visit my old patch. Not that I now know a soul there bsides my mum and now her friend I would like a relationship with as well. Quality knows no age, it lasts like a Rolls Royce. So far that's about it, and if it gets better it'll be here, though if it gets worse or the same it will be as well. A tragedy is only suffered by the victims, not the readers. But why not a happy ending for a change? Christine's bloke suddenly realising he's gay for instance. That, unfortunately, is the extent of my prospects. Cack.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Otherwise nothing has changed, as if it would. No time for an eye test this week being on call to collect the computer, besides work bookings, one of which blocked Tuesday and never turned up. Thank goodness when it's sunny I still have time to take photos before it gets dark, and got some more today. The other benefit is finding so many little roads and corners within a couple of miles I never knew were there. I took most of the places I knew already, and now follow features like railway lines on the map and find views I would never have seen otherwise. All the usual solitary pursuits but I've been doing that a long time wherever I go out. The difference between having just one regular friend, girlfriend or wife and none is 100%. That's why so many couples drop their friends, they just don't need them any more. I do but am in the minority as like a couple of others I took my girlfriend with me to friends, rather than just see her and drop them till we inevitably broke up. So my mother blamed me and made out like it was my own fault since my last true friends (ie the ones who still saw me) left the country in 2002 I hadn't met any more. Well there's no direct way of doing it. I realised I think the last new friend I met was at college in 1982. I rarely get new friends who qualify and they last around 20 years on average.
Unless I've missed anyone (I have met others since but didn't really consider them close or interesting enough) I can't really see it that easy to meet anyone new, let alone a partner. All the others were just around at school, holiday or friends of my parents families. But no way is it my fault as she thinks. My analysis is unfortunately too damn accurate and outsiders who don't follow my life that closely have no clue what and how I operate. There's no direct way of making friends, and meeting people does not equal making friends. There is no shortage of friend material, just not available to me through distance or work rules. That's just how it is. If it's really true the last new friend I met was 1982 (and there's no reason to think I missed anyone) the chances of making new ones are hardly likely to widen now. Of course I never needed any till now as I had so many already. They dropped out one by one till I was left with the one, and when he left the country that was the end. It was literally like losing a leg and though friends, unlike legs, can return, it's like a temporary amputation. And the one person I met online not thousands of miles away rejected my offer to meet so as always, life has to come half way, and until it does I can only do things my usual way. There are none better for me.
Friday, December 08, 2006
I also have no ethernet now, what they did to that who knows but it's as dead as Princess Diana and with nearly as many questions surrounding why. I'll be on the phone again tomorrow but as long as the rest is working it's not going back, but I do need something done so I can listen to web radio.
So looking back on the week it's fairly even, one woman returned but currently unavailable (compare yesterday's review of 'Love actually') and this is like the first scene with almost 3 hours to go to see if it resolves. Except in real life those hours are more like months or even years, like I haven't already waited so long. I have no choice and is a plan more valuable than any I know. Talk about history, 32 years an still no closer than I was besides a determination never to lose contact again whatever else happens. Tomorrow is mine for the taking though there are some business type calls I need to sort out 'or else'. Can't delay some things forever and had no time for opticians yet, especially as the target place closes on Friday when I actually visit the area. Things do seem to be going off the rails a lot of the time at the moment and how I stay on or get back is as much a mystery to me as how life can spin so out of control in the first place. The sad fact everyone has their own agenda, and if I meet a woman who was either born 20 years to soon or with someone else or miles away, otherwise it may well have worked out is a perfect example. Real good news actually gives you a profit, either long or short term, and getting something returned at great cost not as good as it was before is not an example, neither is meeting an ex who is no longer available. They are situations which are better than before but no profit, in some cases paying dearly for the little you do have.
Films and TV are very clever as they take all these situations and present them tidily, a beginning, ordeal and either happy or sad ending. Not so in real life, it usually carries on with opportunities rising and falling and rarely getting anything at the end of it, just more of the same. After 4 years at the health club I can see if I went there till I was 80 not one woman would want to go out with me as when they go there they switch off that part of themselves. Every single one. Not that they are single, but even the few who must be somehow become asexual as they walk through the door and the semi naked fit men (it is a gym) may as well be horses except for the fact I hear some women are more interested in horses. It's a real pisser. Every mine I descend is already cleared out or has the wrong stuff in it. One bonus of fame is the women who deliberately talk to you simply because they saw you on TV, and after maybe 30 I'd find one worth keeping. So indirectly as long as I pursue one route for work it may lead to something personal as well. Certainly no way to do it directly without getting locked up. Not that I'd notice the difference sometimes...
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Now some authorities would castrate you for using terms such as Bombay Welsh, but as a presenter recently pointed out, the more PC the authorities get the more people will rebel as a result, just to create some balance. But this is my blog and compared to the tripe I've had to delete as comments I can never offer any true nastiness, mine is for entertainment and never to have a go at anyone.
So besides a bit of work I've been forced to watch lots of TV. Manchester Utd first half, before Love Actually at 9pm which I will return to in 10 minutes. Too soon to pass judgement but semi reasonable with a bit too much padding so far. And I can swear better than they do even though I usually don't. Except here apparently. Tomorrow is collect the computer unless they actually find a fault day, and probably take it back again Friday as I see in my crystal ball the black screen of doom as soon as I turn it on. Logically if they don't fix it it'll carry on going wrong. Lucky it's not a car as I'd be dead now from it cutting out at Brent Cross and getting squashed by a coach. The sole benefit besides reloading Windows so it works properly was the shopping I do on the way back. Cakes next, by the way, though the 4 pounds I gained once I hit about 10 stone from relaxing has got to come off again, and not by eating cakes. It comes back literally in a couple of weeks though it took years to remove, except when I had chicken pox, but that's a bit out of the usual.
In case you didn't notice I just installed a popularity button on my index for readers to press if they like this. I've no idea how it works as if you press more than one it may register each one and cancel each out, but that's not for me to worry about. If it gets new readers it works. Not wanting to tempt fate I will say I have spoken to someone again after a long time, but only for a minute. It's a start though but I never want to guess ahead where nothing's happened yet. After a year of chronic fatigue, the return of my anxiety and failure of old tablets to be digested have meant any new relationship will be working on thin ice until and unless the recipient/participant is more interested in me than any health problems. I'm not talking to ghosts or avoiding black cabs in street, I'm just unable to do many of the things I could until maybe I can. Whoever it is will just have to take me as I am, just as I have in the past for others. Who knows.
So, the film's just finished, quite inspirational I suppose, and got there in the end, and showed a good example to everyone how they could make things so much easier than all the fiddling around most people take. Get in there and don't waste time. If you like someone let them know, go for it. I always believed in the simple approach and it may have been a film but was all possible. Anyone who saw it tonight or before should know what I'm talking about. Including one for me I hope.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Meanwhile loose ends abound. The labia are purely in my mind, I don't know what the Upanishads say (use Google guys, that's what it's for) but when I need to divert my mind I meditate on the labia. You can't beat nature's gifts to raise you from the depths of anything, and nothing beats the labia.
So many loose ends I shouldn't worry about. Accounts all over the place, waiting for the final appointment for an eye test when I can get my arse in gear, lost clients, putting everything back after my renovations (kitchen and painting), and the usual dental checkup like the steaming pile of manure at the top. I really can't be bothered with all of it hanging around like bad smells but Maharaji says loose ends are usual and we must go above them rather than care and attempt to do them up- for each we do two more arrive so it's a waste of time. If someone dies we always wish we'd said things, they'd done things etc but death is beyond our control. As is life. We go half way, life comes the other way. And currently little of life is coming to me as I go out to it. That is: No email replies from any women, not a squeak from the computer monkeys who ripped me off and made excuses even Tony Blair would be embarrassed to use, and the first really good deal online having to be refunded as the post office lost the parcel (for lost read used for their own use). That'll make someone a nice christmas present. So in the half hour between lunch and the client who didn't come I slipped out to Cricklewood to squeeze my lens through more railings to get this picture and one other. Besides having to get home no other road had a view of the line so this was it.
Because of the lack of events from outside and through no choice or fault of my own have no job I am opening my mind to make plans to make sure I have things to do ahead. I don't want to waste my time and hope various things I think of will provide something to achieve each day so it doesn't feel like dead time. It gets harder and harder as with hardly anyone to do it with and little new to create besides writing for a dwindling audience I end up taking quizzes and looking up people I knew 30 years ago on the internet. At least my travels are slowly expanding again, getting as far as Staples Corner (see above picture for proof), Highgate, Staples Corner again to the shop called Staples (originally named after the demolished Staples bed factory and replaced by guess what, Staples stationary superstore, no connection), Kew retail park, Finchley, Kenton and possibly next Temple Fortune. People abroad may well think I'm describing Eldorado or Shangrila, in fact most of these places can be seen on my (linked) Flickr album and are closer to Dante's inferno than paradise, though some of Temple Fortune is better than most of London. So is Kosovo I expect, if you remove the bombs and gunfire.
My plumber who comes 20 miles here fitted a boiler opposite last week, do you think (after getting him the work) he'd come and fix my leaks afterwards? What do you think? As I said life has to meet me half way and at the moment it seems I've got a trench in front of me where all my plans fall before they get to the recipients. When even the postman appears to nick your best deal and then pretend it was never sent you can see what sort of state things are in. Even the few people who replied on friends reunited didn't follow up after I replied, including one who said he wanted to meet me, though I have no idea where he now lives. I seem like a spare part no one besides my family and people so tedious no one else will speak to them want to bother with. People who say it's so difficult to come and visit or hardly ever phone suddenly want to turn up within the hour for help and advice. Basically they appear to have no interest in me, but only what I can do for them, or they could make the effort any time. Now if possibility 3 has simply been delayed rather than deterred by my latest offer this trend may end but I see no end to it at the moment. And what the fuck are they doing with my computer?
This week luckily very few arrangements are pencilled or penned in, a couple are imminent besides the inevitable back and forth with the PC repair (or not). I have however asked another woman out and also emailed an old friend of the family in case he's internet friendly to look at my websites. I did go to the gym and managed to replace my 15kg dumbells with 17.5 for all 3 sets this time, I am slowly continuing to add weights to all the machinery after 4 years. I look in good shape now but not big besides my arms. As it's something useful to do and I meet people I'll carry on going as long as I can afford it, though whether it actually hooks me up with a woman is almost impossible, despite one blind date of the expected variety. The house needs tidying after the decorator moved everything and with the cleaner coming tomorrow goodness knows what I'll explain as she has about as much English as I have Portuguese. Fuder, methinks.
I'd do that to her as well but I can't rock the boat, especially as they're normally married to a bandit. Meanwhile I'm making the most of the newly appreciated internet access, though I won't delay household jobs so long in future until the thing packs up. I'd literally run out of things to do within a few days without it as on my own with no places really worth going to and no job the options are reducing. Plus I just left my mobile phone somewhere but should get it back tomorrow. That has its uses but many crap calls for the rare useful ones.
So I've literally been racking my brains to think of other things to do besides the internet. Only a few little official photo trips and they are only variations on a theme. I could meditate a lot and that would probably help more than anything, and may end up doing so for lack of alternatives. That is the making of saints and the motivation is irrelevant. You just do it. But in the long term I need an aim to keep me occupied, especially as I can't always rely on computers
From getting train tickets for many years, curtailed by the removal of the small ones, to going to model car shops, to window shopping while rarely buying anything and doing crosswords in Starbucks, each becomes used up and/or boring until things run out entirely.
Every now and then I get an idea or even an outside event that starts a new thread, such as remembering people after 5 to 35 years and seeking them online. Some become email friends, many live abroad but no revivals yet, male or female. Most are out of sight deliberately, though few old friends wouldn't be welcome here if they returned. The few who do bother with me are not local and rarely come west and I even more rarely go east, though one doesn't have visitors. So we speak on the phone but little more. The old female friends who divorced never returned despite being alone, even though I suspect one would have been happy with me from what she said, but she failed most of my tests as they all did. Only reason I'm not married now. So I carry on in apparently endless circles unless and until I am diverted somewhere better. I am not expecting a lot though.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
On the positive side all the possibilities are as likely as Macclesfield beating Chelsea in the next round of the FA cup. The 3 women are gradually reducing, the older one appears to have not a clue of my interest despite my huge implied remarks. That would seem she wasn’t interested as the idea of shagging someone 20 years her junior would leave her cold, though I wonder if the idea of shagging anyone would at her age. That leaves the woman stranded without a car. She can be a pain in the arse and am reaching the point where however attractive the rabbit would finish me off sooner or later. The reunited girlfriend hasn’t come back despite just being given my phone number so can’t care that much whether she talks to me or not. I now have my only reserve who is getting asked out shortly. I’ll report back how that goes.
The media is slightly better though the time before my next appearance is a few months away and the mobile phone one will be released the same time. If it ever reaches the proper TV I’ll be very lucky and aren’t expecting much. The Channel 4 documentary is a possibility for the future but so far only in the brainstorming stages without even a definite decision to make it. Now I get maybe 5 enquiries a year sooner or later one will end in a real TV appearance where people recognise me the next day as they did when I sneaked into Big Brother for 5 whole seconds. The power is incredible. I also had to submit my accounts to the authorities and hope they don’t disapprove of them as they are prone to, as the rules are different this year from the last one.
If, as I suspect, I have run out of philosophy, I’ll be filling my gaps here with other padding as however true some of it may be it hasn’t even made my own life any better. Knowing you’re being conned and stopping it happening are 2 different things and for instance all 3 parties agree on energy taxes so we can’t do a thing to halt the unavoidable push to the middle ages. I can almost smell the horse manure already. It is incredibly depressing knowing we are being ripped off and although just enough experts and citizens realise it none have enough power to stop it. They probably make more carbon in Iraq in a week as we do in a year as well as use that much fuel and even I have now seen going there had no effect on the world at all. Except to cost the west a shedload of taxpayers money. Hence energy taxes. They have to make excuses to get it back somehow. Losing the war in Iraq taxes don’t sound so attractive do they, so they need something enough plebs will fall for while the few with independent brains and data spot the pickpocket straight away but can do nothing to stop them. Air fuel. Not flying to Spain but troops to Iraq. And weapons cost more than kidney machines. And for what. I don’t know.
Anyway, from one depressing scenario to another, ad infinitum. In the news or at home. Each project delivers the worst possible scenario, time after time, while the few benefits I do get are the bare minimum I need to survive. Do I exaggerate? OK, I had saved when I did work to protect me from the worst, but otherwise there isn’t much to celebrate about, compared both to what I used to have and what others have. Even my friend whose wife took his kids abroad was approached within possibly seconds by another recent separatee (is that a word?) who threw herself at him. I’m struggling to remember if any woman since 1975 threw herself at me. The offers I get are the usual ones for a share (ten per cent) of 15 million dollars. And one final conclusion, effort does not equal reward. No way. My happiest times the good things were just there. I didn’t work for them in any way or plan them, they just happened. Now they don’t. Unlike the world of business, as my family believe, there’s no effort-reward formula for pleasure as there is in career. I have been to the direst collections of humanity confined to a room for an evening in the name of social events, where many of these faces, some worthy of the circus, had been going to similar events for 20 years and persisted despite being alone every time when they arrived and left. I can’t see a way of gaining anything from these places, the few organised for singles, just because other people do it. Think X Factor first auditions. The weird contestants. All visited jewish socials at some point of their lives, even if not jewish. I say jewish as no one else in London organises these things. And they attract all the types left over by society and still believe after 32 years of tri-weekly visits they’re going to meet their partners each time they go. I prefer tried and tested at least, even if they also rejected me as well. The fact I’m running out of them and maybe 3 from 100 or more were even single (as in divorced) they weren’t coming back for a second try. There’s no solution, like meditation you know what to do but the results are by grace, a religious word for at random. Probably exactly the method they use to diagnose computer problems.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Like my dreams, I could be married, being filmed in TV studios (was in an audience once in 1974 but didn't say anything), living in a huge house back in the old country (the one near Golders Green that is) or any other number of combinations. Living with someone else would be the best, then having a girlfriend up to my standards. Then having my friend back from the other side of the world. All fantasy though all totally possible as well unlike my supernatural related ones. And not a sign of them or much else happening ahead either. Sod all really. My second not TV appearance is due for February as is my 3rd Discovery Channel appearance. I hope I get the video of the second as otherwise I may well never see it unless they move it to TV eventually.
Until then I will be taking the last photos on my list which I fear will be so similar to the rest even I won't be able to tell the difference. Most of these activities come to an end as they are closed systems, like my enormous model car collection which now needs its own museum. Far too many for a little house. So it really is time for someone or something, in the theme of fantasy, to rescue me from this tedium. My old friend from the past recently reunited would be the best opportunity, she will apparently contact me again so I wait patiently. Nothing is going to happen as it may do every 10 years though I can hardly think of an example. I did meet my best girlfriend 31 years ago after being dropped by the first 7 girls at the disco I tried, but that went to pot before it became fulfilled.
Since then surprises have been of the negative nature. My mum announced her imminent departure and was gone within the minute. My friend announced they were moving thousands of miles away while the others had dropped me long since. That sort of thing. Every now and again I get a little bonus but nothing life changing. So the situation may well be a life sentence. I couldn't even pay someone I liked to share with me let alone get them in for nothing. Renting attracts drifters who are lazy and unreliable at best and major criminals at worst, and I will never do that again. Friends are all hard workers and have their own places and partners. One tenant I knew from work was the only one who became a friend (who associated with criminals though) and despite cramming a few days spending most of our time together she got a better offer and left the district. I'd have let her live here for free now but she's probably living with another criminal now anyway.
So, it carries on continually the same way and I observe it almost as an outsider. It's not a total disaster but in contrast with this past I can compare it with is as empty as a dream where you realise whatever you have isn't there once you realise you are dreaming. The fantasies are the same, though more attainable in theory, but in practice no more likely. Are there others in the same position who would do anything to hook up with someone else to remove two more people from the list? If so we are having great problems finding each other and especially on the same continent. What an abortion, as my old friend Jon would say (and being as PC as Bernard Manning's ruder brother I quite agree). Freedom of speech rules.