Friday, November 04, 2005


Due to a client cancellation I've got an unexpectedly free period so to speak. Various little chores await but of course I came here first. As synchronicity would have it, I just read a post that said when someone was just being himself he was really funny, and as soon as someone asked him to perform it became impossible. This is very much like what I do here. Some days I can think of something funny and it flows, others it's a moan and a whinge but it helps me get it off my chest as Al in the previous comment. One of the benefits of blogging. But I rarely plan it and if I do it's just the same process before I reach the keyboard. I can't just say 'I want to do a funny piece today' and turn one out as I'm not a comedy writer and even half of them write crap when they're supposed to be being funny. So much as I'd like to have the world (location rather than population of it) falling about with laughter every time I touch the keyboard, you'll have to take the rough with the smooth.

While I'm on the subject (rough), the critic who follows me about here has missed a point. She just listed in various places all the things that are wrong with me. That means she wanted to be with someone knowing they had all those faults. As Al just said, cake and eating it come to mind. If I was to hold on to the past instead of moving on and persecute everyone who'd gone wrong in relationships I'd be at it till I was 500 years old working 8 hours a day. So if you're reading this, for christ's sake move on and get over it. I thought I was mentally ill but seeing the way you're behaving made me realise you've got it a lot worse at the moment. Talk about issues...

Anyway, moving swiftly on, the addiction is of course to blogging, as other avenues dry up one by one (collecting train tickets, seeing my friend in Golders Green, having a job etc.) new areas of activity arrive, and this has become a reliable though pretty low profile and low benefit one. I say that as unlike a few celebrities, most normal bloggers have a small audience and no one to publish their work in the mass media. And until they do I write most things online, both here and in forums. It's a community like any other with its characters and like any good soap it's bad guys. Now having read my blog, does anyone else think I'm a bad guy? I'd like to run a poll on that now but wouldn't get enough responses! But I can tell you though I'm pretty good at making mistakes, can be impulsive, do things without knowing what I'm dealing with etc., I don't really think I'm a bad guy. Spamming adversaries with insults is more like bad guy territory, long after the issue is cold, and then adding any reasonable comment with more including threats. I'd far rather answer these allegations by email but I was told not to, and as the comments are in public I'll just have to reply in public. I didn't take it there, but it's now where the fight is continuing.

Back to my point, I wasn't intending to answer my critic but there's nowhere else I'm allowed to do it. The internet is a community like any other once you have the same people visiting sites regularly. The blog is one of these and you can see how someone's life changes from month to month and year to year. One blog is having a meeting tonight by coincidence, in about half an hour, but due to my intense dislike of Central London I won't be there. Had it been more local I'd have done all I can to get there, but not in town thanks. Old fears die hard and that's probably my second oldest (classical music concerts are the oldest having been dragged to many as a child). I did spend ten years on and off working in the centre of London, and it's a lot worse now. Id' have had to also pay £8 for the privilege of going there, plus it would be likely there would be nowhere to park (though maybe some spaces would be free after 5pm), and that would be another £10 or so. I used to see someone every month in Holborn, and after they put up parking meters it cost about £6 a go and I wasn't allowed to stay for more than 2 hours even though I was willing to pay extra. This City is a c**t. I've never used that word in my blog before (and didn't totally just then) but that's the only word for it. I live in the country relatively speaking, not in distance but in quality, so central London may as well be another place as far as I'm concerned as I haven't been there for years. Cramming so many buildings into a small area is ridiculous anyway in the 21st century, and now people can travel without a horse we needn't keep centuries old methods of living that don't work now. But they do and they will so I keep away.

Quite frankly, I'd be the happiest around here if something shifted in my life, inner or outer. I've seen my own posts get darker and darker, and even when I've tried to inject some humour people have said I'm down. I will admit to using black comedy as a personal habit, so will make many situations look more dire than they are if I'm trying to make them funny, but some people miss that. But if I'm straight and tell it like it is, that's how it is. The lack of control over life is quite amazing to me, in that though we can apply for jobs, socialise and try all sorts of things there's no connection with actually succeeding except in academic courses which are structured in a totally predictable way. The rest of life is exactly like a lottery. You can buy a ticket but the result is then up to the system. Fifty fifty. I paint pictures, the public decide whether to buy. I write, ditto. Whatever I do, whether trained or by practice, is to the best of my current ability, but what is done with it (as with everyone in the world) is out of my control. One example. I write a new thread in a forum. Hardly anyone reads it and it gets no replies. A year later I copy it in another forum and it becomes busy. Identical product, different response. Same with calling the radio, one topic once got over two hours of calls and died a death in a forum. So like the weather I have to wait for a change in wind direction to blow the good times over Kingsbury, meaning:

Official bureacrats would stop turning my claims down
Not every woman I liked would reject me
Someone, after ten years of being published, would pay me for writing something
I'd sell a picture
I'd get a part time job I applied for
I'd start feeling happier again
One of my old friends would be around regularly or I'd meet a new one
At least one claim of the supernatural would be proven
Not every potential decision by the government would go against car drivers for once
More people actually replied to calls and emails when they said they would
Someone would actually want to do my house renovations without charging the price of a new room to do so
Some of every potential piece of good news that may happen in the future may actually materialise in reality instead of evaporate

and a few miracles beyond this reality while I'm on a roll

I could be allowed to make a list of women I wanted and get one of them
The aliens my clients claim to be in contact with would actually show themselves
I was able to reactivate my ability to see auras at will
I'd be offered a chance to live with someone else I liked
I'd get a long term regular income without a full time job to go with it
I'd find someone with similar problems who understood mine as well as I do, if not better so maybe could help fix them
I felt exactly what was meant by enlightenment
Someone I used to know caught up with me I'd already been looking for myself
Someone mass produced a car in this country like the old ones they copy in Japan
I could have out of body experiences
I became a guest expert on radio and TV interviews
I got to know someone from Big Brother (especially Becki!)
I was allowed to visit the Big Brother house (preferably with said housemate)
They abolished all the anti-car measures in London (congestion charging, humps and road narrowings)
Anyone from the past who had been a right sod to me came back with an apology
A nice woman came on to me for a change
The new neighbour was a single woman who was lonely
and finally (this has happened to others) someone read my blog and quoted it in a newspaper

Well, that's a load of bollocks but does explain about 30 things that contribute to my negative attitude at the moment. Surely I'm not the only single sensitive person who would like more out of life, especially having had so much in the past and see it gradually slip away so I do know what I could be having. Shakespeare it ain't, but I'm not trying to be anyone else.

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