Thursday, November 24, 2005


My challenge is adding something remotely interesting here after 24 hours, having done nothing new since yesterday. I did do plenty, but all routine and below the blog reporting threshold, and I don't fancy dropping standards even lower talking about my regular visits to me and out.

So besides that I have only an inner experience to draw on, as the outer has little to offer. Technically I've spent so bloody long on the internet today I've actually got no sites to look at, something that must happen only once every few months, and may force me to watch a 30 minute programme I recorded earlier or keep painting my picture. Of course being alone (as it's a permanent background to my life) forces me to find things to do as I can't just have a conversation (or sex) without planning it in advance for a temporary taste of companionship, and as many of my clients are the most interesting people I meet at the moment I'm not even supposed to gossip with them as we have boundaries to maintain. I have a box of Special K waiting for me after doing this, and may well provide more interest than this. Tomorrow again looks loke a clone of every recent Friday, work followed by dinner at my mum's, and at least I've done 90% of my fairly urgent shopping this week, with only the usb hub fiasco to sort out (currently swapping with my webcam and digital camera).

Really I'm dragging out the last crumbs of life from a long-standing 13 years in the same situation, so managing to keep occupied under the most basic of conditions (personal rather than financial) becomes more of a challenge as time passes. I wish there were a few more of us around but I actually hardly ever meet anyone here or online forced to live alone and not liking it much. They must exist (besides my own mother) but the people I know who live alone don't really seem to mind, though nearly all used to be married so have 'been there, done that'. Well I've been to various places but not that one. Then I hear the sad buggers who are married and feel trapped. Well tell me and I'll fucking swap with you tomorrow! There's no commitment nowadays either so it's not as if they're living in Ireland and chained together for life. It's usually an inner imbalance than a bad marriage, as I can't fathom how two people who claimed to be in love can become so hostile or indifferent to each other. I have so many friends of 30-40 years standing who I've never become bored with, including many women. OK, I've never lived with any of them besides a few holidays which were great fun spending a week or so sharing (and these were other guys!) and did it regularly, missing them terribly when they went home. I am definitely a people person, and ones who aren't and enjoy being alone, fine. Other people eat mushrooms but I don't expect them to expect me to as well. Ditto living alone. These people seem to think because they enjoy it I should. Well if I can list a few things I enjoy and assume because I do everyone else will is just thinking like a 4 year old. Like my grandma who says 'Every normal person likes eating in restaurants'. Bollocks. It's like waiting for Godot without the excitement or freedom to leave when you get fed up waiting. More than half an hour or so taken over a meal to me is like being locked in a cell most of the time, one thing that has barely changed all my life. So I'm not normal? Big deal. I'd rather be myself any time than a mindless sheep who has to follow the masses. Now that may be normal but it's nothing clever.

No comments: