Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Marriage

I was in a bar in Hampstead, and in front of me a beautiful woman, looking like a gypsy with wavy black hair and piercing blue eyes was singing a folk song in French, though she was English.
Soon after we were sitting together on a bench, overlooking the nearby Rosslyn Hill. We were an item, totally comfortable in each other's presence, laughing and joking. This was how a well-established relationship should feel, we were just right together, and felt completely stable as a couple. She asked me if I liked Gregorian chants, and I said I don't think so, but I've only heard a few. We watched the scenery in the distance from high on the hill, and I was sure I could see water in the distance though I knew there couldn't be any there.
We kissed deeply, and then she said shall we go and see the scenery in your road or go away somewhere?

Though amazing looking, she wasn't my typical type, but with everything added together she was clearly the one, very posh and getting on for 30. Unlike everyone before, there'd been no effort involved after I met her, it just flowed easily and happened naturally. No effort, playing games, or all the usual laboured stages I was used to. It seemed fated this time. This is how I always expected it ought to be. It was literally as if this was my other half, reflecting back the part of me I couldn't know on my own. In my 45 years of waiting, some had told me it was a fantasy, this didn't happen, and if I was going to be with someone it would either be better without or a compromise. Well now I knew I was right all along, and though I was totally in it for me, not to show or prove anything to anyone else, they had been all wrong. Most of my life I'd felt this was what I was waiting for and I'd proved myself to be correct.

Finally, not only was I feeling safe, secure and complete, everything else in my life may as well not have existed. I had just forgotten all about it, all my problems didn't even seem to be real or within my awareness now. Even if they still existed, my awareness of them had evaporated, being totally in the moment with her nothing else seemed to exist.

This was on the night/morning of November 7th 2005. Though it was as real to me as any other experience to me of course it was a dream, the second I remember of such a type. It had benefits, showing me what life has the potential for and reminding me that when I may forget from lack of recent memories. Whether there's any extra point or meaning, I can't say. If there was it may have to mean a higher awareness was at work, and therefore my life was not what it had ever seemed. I was in fact being looked after despite many years of tribulation. But though a dream, as it was real at the time and unlike other dreams followed (though a part of time was cut out) and all the conversation was normal, not mixed up or nonsensical. There were scenes not like real life as part of what we were looking at, but that was simply because it was a dream but didn't alter the situation or my sense of realism in it. But I reaffirm that is at least as good as it could be like in the right relationship and however long I have to wait, that's my aim.

1 comment:

Philosopher Newport said...

That sense of peace, of completedness, that's what we want for ourselves without the condition of someone else being around.

When you are comfortable with yourself, all alone, no one special in your life, then you will not care if someone special comes along or not. And of course, that's when she'll pop up (with un-imagined flaws).

I believe that sense of peace and completedness that you felt in your dream is how you REALLY feel all the time as a spirit. Hence why it is mostly absent in this human condition.

You wouldn't want to go to an amusement park/spook house that looks exactly like your home. No fun in that. No surprises. No challeneges.

I've had dreams like that. The Vomit Factory has dream accounts in it, and one of them is about this gypsy-looking chick I meet at a Zeppelin concert...She had not the whiff of a care in the world. Totally at ease. And so was I---to the point that I was dancing with her!!! I never dance in front of anyone...

That chick in your dream (and mine, too) was, of course, yourself. She doesn't exist outside of our imagination.

I know you can't give up the search, Kingsbury. The wanting/pining is a program in your virtual reality skinsuit. Just part of the temporary package.

But then, what does a weed junkie know?