Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Yes, post 2 in the 'because I can' series. Unloading now, like having a good shit, because I'm here.
I'm bored and fed up. I love to analyse (I said analyse, not be analysed you sods!) and in a quiet moment in front of Wife Swap USA on TV tonight I listed all the chances I'd had to get some pleasure in life recently with the number of them that actually happened. Not a pretty sight. Basically every attempt made to get something good, whatever the apparent chances, failed drastically. And every step of projects I have take as long as possible and usually make me do every possible step with no let up and if there's a chance of anything going wrong at each it usually does. Again, phases and coincidences come to mind, and without giving the list in detail (many are on earlier posts already) I'd challenge a saint to cope with the stress I have at the moment and not suffer.

The only few crumbs were paying less for my car repair than I expected to (after a week off the road...) and someone I thought was gone for good came back so I'm not such an insufferable arse as I thought I may have become. The only real good news was the broadband after years of disappontments from NTL, though apart from the time factor I can't actually do more than I could before, it just flows much more easily.

I really find it hard to believe everyone who isn't satisfied with their life more than 50% (I'd love to know how many of the world that referred to) found it almost impossible to do anything about it. I was told years ago despite financial and career success I had what I needed but not what I wanted. This hasn't changed over 15 years later really, plus now I haven't even got an income.

I don't ever write for sympathy, I know strong people club together and it's those who appear happy with their lot that are given more, not the moaners. So that's not my motive, no way. I look for answers, whether by me from turning everything over or others who read it. I also know there are few if any original views on life full stop. It's all recycling every generation and if there were any fixes we'd have them instead of the bible. Just the fact millions of people rely on 'Walter begat Winifred who begat Aloysius' and 'Moses coughed on a Tuesday and God was not happy' etc shows what a sorry state much of humanity is in. And yes, I'm not a religious person. God forbid (get it?!). Anyway, my practical puzzle is what on earth there is to do besides carry on and, as if in a traffic jam, just follow the cars in front and move when they do? I can't make new roads, raise the cars to drive beneath them like in that spastic new ad on TV*, or even slip into another dimension and drive through them all. I really see no alternative but not to look beyond the present and only deal with what I have at the time and plan useful things ahead.

If at any time in the future (clue, it hasn't happened before) a person comes into my life to remove me from this routine of attempts followed by disappointment I also believe any reduction in stress would improve my physical health as well. As I know stress has made my symptoms (don't ask...) a lot worse, then removing it should reverse than effect. And one person is the most important key to that change for certain. Having a regular income is second for obvious reasons, and admittedly though 'now' nothing's happened, the fact they are well ahead the set up TV appearance plus the magazine usage may allow at least on area to pick upon business or pleasure, but they've been in the background for months and will be still so have little or no help right now and neither are guaranteed to happen 100%. I can't rely on anything that can't help me now, so that is just filed under 'ignore'.
I do have a list of activities that will absorb me when I have time to spare as I said last week when I had the day off. I just bought a box of poster paints for my next picture which will be a bigger one and to be shown to a new and much parger gallery to see what they think. But apart from family at the moment all those activities are done on my own, which is why I'm now talking to myself here rather than going to bed on my own. But beyond those activities, I have no method apart from meditation (which somehow feels like eating an hour out of my day even though it's just as good for me as going to the gym), and that's still on my bloody own again. Yes, I'm beginning to lose it. The string of nasties I've had this year hasn't stopped, just changed form from one nightmare to another to keep me on my toes just like any good nightmare, and having to fill in new forms from my potential benefactors three times in a week (in an ongoing series now lasting most of the year) with one or two phone call follow ups each time is one good reason for it.

Other disappontments and stresses include a definite no show on an email I expected a show on (VIP), botty problems (as if everything else isn't enough), medical and dental visits for myself and the cat, no response from any worker who could fit my kitchen and repair my garage, sleep disturbances (fancy that) which can leave me fit for nothing the next day, as well of course as the series of women who have treated me like a joke this year from every sector of my life. Then the two stupid UFO programmes on Channel 4 and Sky 1 (who the fuck is Danny Wallace exactly??) which did more to set back the cause of UFO research than anything since project blue book (google if necessary). I could refute almost every point they made in seconds and they simply looked at all the discredited sightings and ignored the good ones mainly.

So, (to break my rule under licence), what could be ahead? Logic says 'As above so below' so exactly the same. Technically I've seen more and more I had fizzle away and none of the things I hoped for (besides go on TV) happen in the last 10-15 years. And technically though it's 'in the can' I haven't been on yet and no date as I write. So even that hasn't really happened. Women have come and gone, especially the two days in 2002 when I did more in two days with two new women than I had in four years. One I knew from years ago and the other I'd just met online. So it can happen on that front, just not very often. Money wise anything could happen, this is all new territory to me so I really don't know what's ahead on that front. So technically, say a year ahead, an average scenario would be (and let's see if I was right):

I'll still be painting but will only have sold one or two. I'll have met a couple more women but got nowhere. My old friend will still be living abroad. I'll still be living alone (easiest one). I won't have got much recognition or benefit from TV programme. I won't have made any money. I certainly won't have found a job despite looking. I'll have written a number of new articles but only published in small unpaid places. I won't have made any new friends to replace the old ones. No one I like from the past would have drifted back into my life.

This is more or less the way each following year has followed the previous one, with the rare exceptions like the 2002 peak. Of course life itself has the potential for the unexpected to happen, and though there is the Nick Roach and David from Kingsbury jointly endorsed observation the bad is always more likely to occur than the good, it doesn't have to. And of course any or all of these areas could be even worse, but scientifically are more likely to follow tha past than jump to a different scale either way. I hope...

*I take great pleasure of the freedom of the internet to use non PC words as it's my fucking website and it's not against the law!

No comments: