Better than drugs, this has no side effects besides a few rude comments. I sat at my grandma's earlier writing this as I have to go to bed early and there was nothing on TV at the time so I maximised my time usage efficiently.
No plans today until 6pm so I hoped I'd use the time properly. I finished and mounted both paintings, and here is the first pen and ink drawing since I got the pen going again after 30 years.
Then I started painting the front windows, which will be a long job as it needs multiple coats and have to avoid the glass while painting frames an inch wide. Then as I'd finished the pictures cleared the whole of the tiny dining room where I work so for the first time in ages there are no papers piled all over it. It felt good not to have wasted a day that could have been frittered away on the internet yet again, and the room there actually looks bigger as well now.
I am working on the concepts in Nick Roach's book, and it implies there is an eye in the storm where regardless what's happening we can find a peaceful place and that can take over more and more. I will see. That is helped by ignoring the future as that automatically takes you straight out of the peace, whether you look forward to something or fear it you're away from now and wasting your energy totally. What happens may or more probably may not be exactly as you expect, but won't be any better if you pre-empt it now. A habit of a lifetime has to be kicked out.
By the way, one of the worst ever ad campaigns on earth (not sure why yet) is on the radio- T Mobile web and walk. Wank I say, which is what the twat in the ad sounds like. Like anyone's going to bother to spend 10-20p a minute to surf the web on a screen even an hawk's going to have trouble reading when they can pay £1 an hour or less in an internet cafe or library as I did for 4 years before I had a computer. What's the point of adding the net to a phone as it's so easy to access properly and cheaply. Silly bastards.
Oops, that's the first time real life interrupted my blog, but is the most up to date way of doing it. I just called Clive Bull to play my live version of the Blockbusters theme, but as I didn't get in till 11.30 he didn't have a chance to call me back in the remaining half an hour. Unless I become a celebrity that's the only way I can play music on the radio.
My main point today was wondering what other people forced to live alone do to take the edge off it. I have a playground grown from the beginning of my life as an only child, and becoming full-time on my own many years after that. But things make no difference, the radio which allows me to overhear PMR conversations (personal mobile radios) as well as CB (very quiet nowadays though) is the closest, but nothing can replace a real person, and after 13 years plus I'm really beginning to notice it. The little bridge into my next point is my cleaner, the fifth in as many years. Like the last one, she hardly speaks a word of English so I know absolutely nothing about her. She's a few years older than me, and despite the lack of conversation with my only reliable female visitor (three hours every fortnight!) she is still growing on me. There are a number of things I'd like to ask and tell her, and who knows what we could talk about if we actually shared the same language.
I don't know what the signals are, but it appears on the internet and phone I can attract women of a far higher calibre than in person. The fact all are thousands of miles away is why I'm alone, but shows the potential. I am certain that a degree of claustrophobia isn't terminal to a relationship, and the fact I avoid restaurants and audiences in the main shouldn't put everyone off, there's nothing else wrong with me and before that developed I got dumped a lot more despite going everywhere all the time. It can't be that important and at least I'm not a criminal which many women tolerate who I meet, including victims of their violence. I'm sure the right women would understand my problem and not give a damn if they liked me, I never would if it was their problem and I've had girlfriends with the A-Z of mental illnesses and it was never anything that made a difference to me. I suppose we look at our shortcomings we do know and assume it must be down to them, when in fact it's just dumb bad luck and not the same thing that puts each one off. As I discovered on friends reunited, at least two more girls who sent me packing in the 70s were down to their parents otherwise I could have been well in there.
I see myself writing apparently the same stuff here as well, but it moves forward as well. In a spiral rather than a circle. I see new angles, new facts and sometimes can even drop or solve issues altogether. And some of the time writing it here is all it takes to do so, so I apologise to anyone who finds it boring, but I will add the general quality of blogs in the last year has gone down drastically. People have polarised from a year or so ago into single issue focuses or trivial links and no original substance, and I wonder if the evolution of each blog can go through stages from level to level, equally down as up. I said before, technology reviews and trawling the net for twee links is something Reader's Digest and magazines in WH Smiths have done for a century, and is no need for people to do poor emulations of them in blogs. A blog is a diary essentially, and do people really write reviews of fucking ipods and xboxes in their diaries? Maybe a few do, the same people who prefer to wank over a porn film than get a real girlfriend, but they must be the minority. People who write proper diaries, ie those that go beyond appointments, do not tend to write about news, technology or films very much. Are most people so anal they don't dare to reveal their true feelings and lives, but get a blog and then decide to fill it with irrelevances? Well mine is a diary and can only reflect my life and what it makes me think of. I mention technology or news if and when it affects me, eg technology I use or intend to buy, not just 'Oh look, they've brought out a Play station that does rewind!!!'. Who fucking cares? The spotty youths who do are already fingering their way through Computer games weekly in Smiths without buying them and then probably writing them up on the net, and don't need to read it again on people's blogs. No they really don't!
That's my thought of the day.