Wednesday, November 30, 2005

From the artistic to the banal

After yesterday's artistic efforts, here are some of the truly stultifying views of north west London

bridge over the North Circular, Brent Cross

Launderette sign in Golders Green

Brent Cross flyover

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Yes, today all my plans worked out exactly as intended, I crammed it all into a few hours but produced what I intended to, a few which are below. Using my office as one totally (not a penny from it mind you!) it's amazing how easy it is to use a computer to collect, save and share photos. I also made a few phone and net enquiries and discovered (make a note of this guys) my TV programme is called 'The ten best ways to be abducted by aliens', I'm in episode one, and will be on the Discovery channel here and the Learning channel elsewhere in about March 2006. I still have to pretend it's not around as I have to use the time properly and not just wait, especially if little was to come from it.
I don't think there's a comparable site of North London views around (I have looked) so as mine builds up it may be fairly unique. Tomorrow is pencilled in for Golders Green, and should provide another nice bunch of obscure views of suburbia. There are (as at least one of you knows!) many more urban views, but I am totally born and bred of suburbia, 15 years of Kingsbury with 28 years of Hampstead Garden Suburb in between. The closest I'd ever go is Highgate, where my grandparents lived till I was 15 and where I was born. Of course half the properties round there go for over a million so I know what I'm doing!

As not expected (I'm not always a pessimist) the call I made received no reply, a bit of a let down but showed trying to chase people just makes them go even further away. Strike one.

Carrying on from yesterday, I also wondered if any blogs actually exist on these subjects, and if so, would they actually get cult viewings as the naffest bloody shite (eg the crazy frog when it was a racing car and hamsterdance, which I admit to actually liking as well) gets the most attention, just like TV and newspapers which cater to the people, as Stef just said, have double digit IQs and make up almost 50% of the population. Anyone want to guess mine now I mentioned it? I had it tested when I was 11 and as Mensa test at any age and retain the score I assume I haven't somehow 'grown out of it'. In fact it was a great responsibility as besides both my parents reaching almost professorial or equivalent levels, the expectations that put on me, especially as the only child and grandchild made it mean I had to produce a minimum level of performance or I'd be accused of wasting my ability. Even my law degree had no status with my grandpa, who first said on hearing the results "Well done, when are you going to get your hair cut?". I think he was being serious. Years later after teaching law ever since he always said I'd wasted it (unlike my mum, the judge) by not becoming a lawyer (feh! all I needed!). I couldn't teach law without it but that didn't register. But the drive to prove myself has been nothing but positive, except when my exam results all came in in the mid 50%s (except for one O level!) which told me whatever IQ I had I couldn't convert it into high marks whatever the hell I did. The only ones I did get was when I understood a subject so well I saw how everything fitted in together as well as simply remembering it all mechanically. So this almost dragged my degree beyond the 60% mark as I registered some major points in sociology and also jurisprudence (2nd out of 58!) but they are all averaged out, so you can imagine what I got in the rest... The only real effect was forcing me out of doing any sort of master's degree as firstly I wanted to research reasons for case decisions, which really needed an upper second, and also stopped me getting a grant so limiting my choice of courses. I ended up starting a part time sociology MA at my 'alma mater' but the two evenings a week after work put me almost on the floor after 6 weeks and financially it made more sense to give up the course than work and have two years earning nothing again. That was the only gap in my education as master's degrees are in something you've already done and are good at, and this was the first course I'd ever done I understood most of. I did switch courses to counselling but that didn't have a degree at the end of it so my MA remains only a potential.

So here are some more dedicated blog topics, do any really exist I wonder?

Fart record
Our ants nest
Nappy changing review
Loft window innovations
Our daughter's eczema
Our local ice cream vans
Puddles of the day
Car parking records of Brent Cross shopping centre
My phoneblog- a summary of all my calls
My shopping lists

I do know at least one blogger (besides me) who does a few of these already (and would more if he had a daughter with eczema) but as a gentleman I wouldn't dream of mentioning his name...

Latest photos

I just did my first proper photo run in Henlys Corner, London NW11.
Here are a few of my favourites.

Rear of flats in Addison Way

Trees in Little Wood

Little Wood

F.A. days

Not an awful lot to report from the last few days, pretty stereotyped except for picking up a usb hub well after normal closing time on the Hanger lane gyratory. A bit pricey for a 4 holer but at least I've got it all up and running now, and Late night Monday to Saturday evenings the webcam should be up most afternoons till after midnight and usually stay on if I'm in or out. Maybe I'll leave some messages up if I go out for some variety at least.

Nothing known ahead this week, which means 'I'm free!', which is a good thing. I won't ever imagine ahead but can plan my part which I am in control of, which involves hopefully finishing my large painting and at least one trip with the webcam, which will all be posted here. I also made one call which is waiting for a positive (or even any) reply, and if not another issue eliminated, but admittedly very speculative. But aren't they all nowadays. I also had a message asking me to chase up the TV company themselves about the production date as one of the other 'stars' has been trying to find out. Thank God I'm not the only one getting very impatient as they planned it for around the new year and it's almost December. Otherwise my recent health problems are limiting my scope drastically. Basically since August when I caught the 'Feel like you're dying suddenly and rush to the toilet' virus, I was left both incredibly tired and prone to similar attacks on a smaller scale. That means I can't trust myself in many situations where I can't get to a toilet quickly etc (spare the details) and am becoming a bit of a prisoner as a result, and worry pretty much about taking women out should I stumble across one as I'm going nowhere at the moment. I have learnt I wasn't actually agoraphobic before as now I can see the real thing. I was more claustrophobic with agoraphobic tendencies. And the clincher was once the anxiety returned the damn pills that allowed me to function before gave me the most violent rear reaction (especially as I had to take them before going to bed) I can't even take them now and until we find something that does work without escaping the opposite end I'm working without a net.
They call it facing your fears, which is exactly how it turned out, and explained why in the last few months I haven't been much of a happy bunny, which at least one person spotted. But a psychologist I came across agreed totally with me that facing your fears head on is the same as any other head on collision, a nasty mess being the inevitable result. Far better to edge along gradually with no step too big to feel unclimbable. That's proper behavioural therapy, not trying to do it all in one go. So I've finally shared it all here, and if I can even make a bit of a joke about it as well may make it seem a little less important and frightening.

On to other things, I still have a few achievable medium term ambitions, and the main one being a three figure weekly income from my media work. I've been building this up for a few years on a voluntary basis and now getting the first wider use which may lead to payment. In fact they just had a guest on the radio from a blog that attracts millions, but it's dedicated to slagging off celebrities... What a small-minded sad world it is where the most easy and boring activity gets the most interest, especially where you can read it all in so many papers and magazines already. It appears single issue blogs do get more views than diaries (who knows why), so I'm considering a second blog in case I can attract the sort of hit rate that gets you noticed. But I can't think what to write it about. I've a few suggestions, let's see what you all think of them.

Number plate sightings (including location and car details)
My cat's daily diary
Neurosis daily
Local road holdups(in retrospect) and accidents
The weather in Kingsbury
Curry and take away review
What's hot in IKEA
Bodger and Badger, the daily analysis

Actually, I suspect most of these do enter these pages from time to time (or may in the future) but milking each single issue into a whole blog seems flavour of the month and apparently unless I do that I'm never going to reach a double figure readership, let alone a million...

Friday, November 25, 2005


Well, Nick Roach said life gives you the experiences you need, and you can't learn new tricks without situations to practice on. It also showed me however much you want to be saved from things, as Oxfam says, you need to learn how to fish rather than depend on others for it indefinitely, so it is beginning to make sense. So what happened?

Today, after a few days of relatively smooth running, I had a couple of really annoying but relatively harmless things arrive as soon as I got up. I started to react and then realised Nick Roach's words, 'Do what you have to do, but without the emotions', and instantly realised I could test myself and do the two replies I had to give to these queries without any emotional attachment. The first was the easy one which was done in a few minutes as a practice, and then the second one was planned and done and apart from a separate query I have to check elsewhere, all dealt with as far as it needed to be. And with no emotional investment. In a year, this is actually the first time I've been able to apply another aspect of Nick's teaching besides being aware where I am and how I feel, and I can say not only did it work, but I'm sure those situations (in as much as I can be) were sent to give me the opportunity to practice, and realise in being saved from outside I have to do my bit as well.

There are still the usual gaps in my life as before, but if I can now emotionally detach from each one by one I may get closer to the peace I've been looking for and become less and less affected by what goes on outside.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


My challenge is adding something remotely interesting here after 24 hours, having done nothing new since yesterday. I did do plenty, but all routine and below the blog reporting threshold, and I don't fancy dropping standards even lower talking about my regular visits to me and out.

So besides that I have only an inner experience to draw on, as the outer has little to offer. Technically I've spent so bloody long on the internet today I've actually got no sites to look at, something that must happen only once every few months, and may force me to watch a 30 minute programme I recorded earlier or keep painting my picture. Of course being alone (as it's a permanent background to my life) forces me to find things to do as I can't just have a conversation (or sex) without planning it in advance for a temporary taste of companionship, and as many of my clients are the most interesting people I meet at the moment I'm not even supposed to gossip with them as we have boundaries to maintain. I have a box of Special K waiting for me after doing this, and may well provide more interest than this. Tomorrow again looks loke a clone of every recent Friday, work followed by dinner at my mum's, and at least I've done 90% of my fairly urgent shopping this week, with only the usb hub fiasco to sort out (currently swapping with my webcam and digital camera).

Really I'm dragging out the last crumbs of life from a long-standing 13 years in the same situation, so managing to keep occupied under the most basic of conditions (personal rather than financial) becomes more of a challenge as time passes. I wish there were a few more of us around but I actually hardly ever meet anyone here or online forced to live alone and not liking it much. They must exist (besides my own mother) but the people I know who live alone don't really seem to mind, though nearly all used to be married so have 'been there, done that'. Well I've been to various places but not that one. Then I hear the sad buggers who are married and feel trapped. Well tell me and I'll fucking swap with you tomorrow! There's no commitment nowadays either so it's not as if they're living in Ireland and chained together for life. It's usually an inner imbalance than a bad marriage, as I can't fathom how two people who claimed to be in love can become so hostile or indifferent to each other. I have so many friends of 30-40 years standing who I've never become bored with, including many women. OK, I've never lived with any of them besides a few holidays which were great fun spending a week or so sharing (and these were other guys!) and did it regularly, missing them terribly when they went home. I am definitely a people person, and ones who aren't and enjoy being alone, fine. Other people eat mushrooms but I don't expect them to expect me to as well. Ditto living alone. These people seem to think because they enjoy it I should. Well if I can list a few things I enjoy and assume because I do everyone else will is just thinking like a 4 year old. Like my grandma who says 'Every normal person likes eating in restaurants'. Bollocks. It's like waiting for Godot without the excitement or freedom to leave when you get fed up waiting. More than half an hour or so taken over a meal to me is like being locked in a cell most of the time, one thing that has barely changed all my life. So I'm not normal? Big deal. I'd rather be myself any time than a mindless sheep who has to follow the masses. Now that may be normal but it's nothing clever.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

West Hendon

Keeping up my local theme as I cycled to West Hendon today, I discovered a conspiracy for the simplest bloody thing on earth being unavailable in three computer shops over 100 yards. I only wanted a usb hub doubler for the digicam, and two sods gave me the old 'Asian double switch' strategy, by spending as long as possible grubbing through the display, shouting to his assistant, and finally announcing 'I'm sure I had one yesterday, I must have sold it...'. The words piss up and brewery come to mind. But not as rough as the newer English place opposite, which looks like the equivalent of a Dickensian counting house, and needs the useless female lackey to unlock the door before a customer can enter. Not only that they had a sign 'pre opening sale'. Now in this universe if you haven't opened yet, you can't sell fuck all. Wankers. Anyway, I asked 'Have you got a USB hub?', the sort of question this guy must hear at least three times a week and he looked at me like I said I wanted to roger his mother, dead or alive.

Apparently that was one of the items that is received with contempt by this strange arrival to West Hendon, and if I hadn't left as soon as he said 'No', with the assitance of his useless woman apparently only there to let customers in as as soon as I mentioned any stock items she looked like Lady Di (when alive), giggled and melted away in embarrassment as if I'd asked to see her knickers, he may have cut me up in pieces and fed me to his children. Why the bloody hell do one man businesses employ their wives and girlfriends to populate technical shops if they can't serve customers? This has been a British tradition in all the radio and mobile phone shops I used to frequent, the one man who knows and the hopeless family members who they don't realise must be able to do more than simply take a message when left to face the public.

So I ripped out my webcam and uploaded the 20 photos I'd managed to take since Sunday in what must be not global warming but a shift towards the polar regions, as it gets too dark to take pictures after 3pm. I've listed all the locations nearby to take, basically following my video walkabout a few years ago but shareable on the computer. These Americans need to see the combined beauty and banality that's London NW for themselves.
I also delivered two more pictures to the gallery, which revealed they were stored in a box rather than the limited wall space, but hopefully the new material may spark some interest now, and I'm working on the larger picture for a new place. Many projects, fame can only be just around the corner, then a couple of people will be able to say 'I insulted that David from Kingsbury on his blog before he was famous'. I believe, that's a start.

Oh, and the basil seed drink was fairly average but interesting. Here are the details in case anyone wants to try it.

General view

General view
Originally uploaded by satguru.
Fruits of my labours, here's a picture of a typical local view taken on my new digital camera. Many more to come once it doesn't get dark just after lunch...

Tales from Colindale

Just a good excuse to get my adjoining district a mention online, which probably happens about once a year otherwise, as I was there this afternoon. Our postcode is NW9, which covers three areas, Kingsbury, West Hendon (in a different borough) and Colindale which is of an uncertain boundary on the western side, but clearly anywhere east of the A5 Edgware Road. The official postal name of NW9 is The Hyde, the fourth area bang in the middle named after the stretch of A5 between West Hendon and Colindale. Anyway, following the geography lesson I was in the Oriental supermarket and though not planning to get anything besides milk and toilet paper, found they'd extended their ready meals and desserts and came out with noodles, fish, glutinous rice cakes, basil seed and honey drink as well as a 12 pack of loo roll which should last me till easter, god willing...

Well, that was the everyday NW9 bit of activity, now some updates of the previous week. Firstly an amazing internet discovery, and a very sad one at that. I mentioned an old girlfriend I'd been looking for for years called Amarylla, and being an unusual name someone else did a search just on her first name and found my blog! I've got plenty of unreported stuff on my main site, but didn't realise similar obscurity was here as well. So he knew her online, and told me everything she'd done since I lost touch in the 80s. The sad part was she just died a month ago of a long illness. I had no way of knowing anyone would catch up with me just after it was possible to get back in touch, and we'd both told him about our trip to see the Rocky horror show in about 1977! I couldn't have seen her as she'd moved to Hong Kong once married, but the coincidences since we parted are also amazing. We both studied law, which we knew, but both went on to become counsellors, she described herself as a spiritual counsellor, and she was also a poet, something I don't do so much of. He showed me her photo which is just as she looked 20 years ago.

As an old friend I think she'd be pleased to share her image here under the circumstances. I think most people can see she looked truly different to most, and completely hypnotic. She had a near death experience and returned with the certain knowledge everything is love, and anything else is only an illusion. Without knowing it that was the most important message I needed to hear, and will try and remember it more and more in future as there's a lot of illusion in my life.

On the South African front, a simple song has created another totally unexpected connection in my life. After hearing the song 'Ag pleez deddy' on the radio in about 1970 I little expected the singer to walk into the family shop some years later so I could tell him how much I liked it, and then find he was a friend of my grandpa who owned the shop. When I remembered it recently and learnt the song and played it on the radio I decided to email and tell him, and now he's set to appear shortly on the phone from South Africa! How small events can become like a large tree!

As I was busy indoors I had ten minutes of light to take a few local pictures on the digicam, and hope to get the adaptor tomorrow so I can upload them all. It's nothing like a normal camera as I don't have to ration the snaps, and can see what I've done immediately. I'm free tomorrow so will get at least some of my creative jobs done depending on how I feel.
Now if Amarylla's really on another plane and arranged all this for me, I could almost believe it. She clearly knew something I didn't, and though I couldn't tell her I'd been looking for her for so long, have found out everything I wanted to know. Another element of a higher system at work?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Bits and bobs

Well, a new hobby awaits, the digital camera arrived yesterday in the Boots half-price sale, thanks to my neighbour who also got one there. For those in the know it's 5 megapixel 12X combined zoom, though as soon as I got it I found a similar one for a bit more that came with a photo printer... Anyway, bollocks to that, mine's pretty amazing and as soon as I get a USB hub I'll be posting my efforts here as always. No flap shots though guys (and lezzers!).

Anyway, now I've offended every lesbian without a sense of humour on the blogosphere, on with this weekend's latest news. Not much actually, progress in the gym is moving along, I dead lifted 60kg eight times in a row for the first time, and that was the third group of three. My chest is three inches below its maximum as I've lost so much fat, but clearly the hardest area to add size to. Everything else, on my third anniversary of this gym effort has grown but wasn't really measurable besides my biceps, which must have added a couple of inches.
So plans I can control this week are building up a nice album of local photos on my Flickr album, as basically there are very few online besides scenic and commercial views. As usual, I hope to provide original material on the net, which is what my original site provides.
I've also set up a possible appearance on LBC for Jeremy Taylor, who sent me a lovely email as he was a friend of the family while living in England. I'd love to hear him singing 'Ag pleez deddy' again, and Londoners could hear it from the man himself rather than me this time. More of that as it unfolds. Otherwise on with the Rome painting, which is looking pretty good so far. Business is picking up so only women are really the obvious hiatus in life here now. Quality I mean, as I said before I turn away pure quantity as it's better to have no one than a pain in the arse. Except just for occasional sex, but that's more like a sneeze than an orgasm, I've been around long enough to learn the differences...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Check this out!

This is bloody amazing! Though I slag off tech geeks this is not known in the UK, so unless someone posts it will remain unknown for some time. The main reason I post is because I was told (secondhand of course) it's coming here in 2006, and they've now got a demo website for a watch that does basically everything except wipe your arse and give you head. Quite amazing.

MSN direct watch demo

Friday, November 18, 2005

Delayed reaction

I wrote this yesterday while staying at my grandma's. Little else to do so half yesterday and half from today. I started my painting of Rome, and it's already looking good, and will be here when finished (though being bigger hope the system can fit it in. I've also decided to get a digital camera having seen the results others have got, and know few pictures of my part of London exist online so hope to make Hampstead Garden Suburb, Temple Fortune and Kingsbury famous.

I just found Jeremy Taylor's website and learnt many fascinating facts about him, his age and the fact he was actually born in England (though I assume went to South Africa pretty early on). I emailed him, hoping he'd remember me from our brief meeting in the 70s, but mainly my grandpa who he did know. I also asked him to call LBC who I also rang with the information, and they'd recorded my song for further use but hadn't filed it on the computer yet. I'd like him both to hear it, call in and also make the song popular again for this generation as it made his career in 1962.
I went to bed earlier than for years at grandma's as there was nothing else to do, and of course didn't sleep for a couple of hours as I wasn't used to it, and still woke up relatively late, but it's a start.
Another little item of news (nothing new, just probably here) was the dreadful details of what passes for a sex life. Being single it's not obvious like married bloggers where we get it from, if at all, and I know few who tell but is likely to attract more interest than where I go shopping. The major reason for keeping quiet was the main source (all exes) is married, so I didn't want to point any fingers. Being the single one it's her choice, her idea, and I'm one of a few so won't make any difference if I didn't. But I have a pleasure meter and everything with the exes I do see barely makes it move, where all the good ones I almost never made it with could go up to a 9 just from a touch. All quality based, which is how I became so bitter and twisted as anyone (male and female) who says it isn't important is either physically or psychologically castrated (or whatever the woman's equivalent is). Women can turn it of indefinitely as many widows I know who literally forget it's there until a new man wakes it up. Men can't cover it up, it seems to be like the sun in a clear sky throughout waking time and I personally wouldn't want it any other way as I'd be dead (emotionally) without it. Ready and willing, just rarely used, like having a Ferrari in the drive and no money to insure it.

I also decided if I ever get famous enough to get a book published, it'll be about my grandma. No one could create her views and monologues, and her fixation with bodily functions is a wonder to behold- "Have you been excused?" Have you been open" "I went three times in an hour" "I used half a roll of toilet paper today" "The doctor says I have to put them in my anus" (I think I made that one up but she'd tell everyone if he did) "Have you done something (no) well you smell like you have" etc etc.
Combined with a photographic recall of every meal, phone call, sleeping and waking time, it's like seeing a rerun of a security camera highlights. And if she can she expects the same details from us- "Where are you going" "When will you be back" "Who was that- do I know them?" "Did you wash your hands?" "Have you combed your hair (an incredible one really, if you look like you have, then say nothing, if you look like yo haven't then say so. I just realised that... "Why didn't you tell me you were going out?" "I phoned three times but you weren't in- why not?"
This is the tip of the iceberg of what could be one of the largest non fictional characters to hit the bookshops. Just planning it here to see how far it can go, but the more I look the more I find. Like the time we drove past a sewage farm and she called to the back of the car "David, was that you?" Like I could make that smell all on my own... "No, if I could I'd be in the circus". I see a rich vein of material, the last gem being when she shouted to my grandpa, no longer with us, "Ivor! The cat's doing its business in the garden!" to which he gave the only sensible reply "What do you want me to do? Tell it to stop?"

I hope I haven't exhausted the total material already, but this is my test posting and see how it progresses.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Adrian Mole

Fuck me, my life's become so sad I'm about to post a page just like Adrian Mole's journal. Well I once said he'd probably play me in a film when asked so there was probably a similarity already. And he never got the girl either...

So, today was the totally free day I didn't know how I'd fill yesterday. I was pretty tired for a number of reasons so was a lot less active than I could have been, looked through my books for a picture to paint, and as I couldn't find one called my mum and went to borrow her book of Italy and had dinner as a result. I came back early as she was going out, and am just about to start a view of Rome which will appear here as usual once it's finished, but is a larger one to be submitted to a proper large gallery next.
Apart from that it's been the usual trivial phone calls and legal problems people like me to help with though I never actually qualified... I'm currently listening to a Chazan (Jewish cantor) sing apparently random biblical songs as I searched for a particular one and it came with the whole lot. I don't remember hearing it when I loaded it so am hoping I'll recognise a few more in the half-hour recording. I'm also still working my way through learning the Abba song book on the piano and am far more fluent in over half of them, as well as playing them in the proper keys at last. Simon and Garfunkel is next (much harder though) and then probably Paul McCartney.
Well, tomorrow is free till I see a friend in the evening, then I'm staying at my grandma's as she's due out of hospital in the morning. That'll save me getting near the computer when I've got nothing to write about...

As I'm here...

I'm just about to go to bed, but I needn't be up/do anything tomorrow so thought, go on, write something first. Of course given a choice I'd be having sex but until that day happens this is reliable and that isn't. And with broadband I don't even have to dial up and piss around, I just click twice and it's here. God help you all, I'll be here twice as much now, but am attempting to maintain quality despite increased quantity.

As often happens I can't mention certain people/details, I've been read and stitched up before, though so far not apparently by anyone local though if they were that interested they could look. I suppose people round here have heard it all already so why read it as well? Little do they realise I add things here about people I dare not reveal to most as some things can get back, but here it's not that easy to pin down identities and details. And while all events are in the speculation stage like many other world news stories that aren't it's not worse ruffling any feathers over many issues that'll never even happen. If they do I'll spread it all over the net, though hopefully ask some of the people involved first. Meanwhile the few people I know with computers use the net for such different things to me they read my sites and never appear to return. Even when I had more to do, I frequented specialist forums just as I would clubs here. It's a lot easier to find people with the same interests online than locally, and now I'm in forums simply for being part of the communities. My supernatural research is now media driven, I follow up leads I hear and see and have yet to prove one! John Hutchison's ark of the covenant died as soon as I emailed him, as his site was pulled suddenly and he's probably up to another scam as I type. That or it's true and they took him out of circulation. Either way I didn't get my story.

I no longer study enlightenment as Nick Roach really provides all the input I need. I am on a forum he linked, but just for fun rather than learn anything new. I still have sites that answer my new trivia questions and always there to answer others, and like everyone else there found online communities hooked me the day I came online. But not one of my friends bothers with them. Odd really as apart from hobbies and shopping I can't think of that much else to do besides play games which I always did from the first game of pong 35 years ago. So apart from emails no one I know ever shares any of my online communities despite all being invited. Never mind. I do make many new friends but none within visiting distance.

What else? Tomorrow is completely free, my grandma's having a week's hospital treatment as her kidney was still bleeding, and she feels a lot better now and the bleeding's stopped. She'll be home on Thursday and hope this is the end of the symptoms she's had for a year now. It looks that way and that was one of the issues I referred to yesterday. I was busy today, and bought some very interesting food all I needed to do was open a container and eat off a plate, and added Danish blue cheese I don't think I'd ever eaten before, and can definitely recommend it, though still prefer Stilton which doesn't taste quite as strongly mouldy. But added greatly to the salad. I also got what appears to be recognisably fresh fish in tins for the cat which she also appreciated. If they can do it why not all the other firms, as they apparently live a lot longer on real fish and meat like our first did who almost made 18.
The two paintings are off to the gallery this week if he's around, and maybe I'll get to see some on display as so far nobody can find them. I also finally found not one but two people to not only quote on my new kitchen but do all the other repairs, one being local and probably good enough to replace the one who disappeared. I said as soon as I heard about the new person now I'll get more people to do it- how on earth does this always happen that as soon as you get an alternative, no matter how long it took, your original problem nearly always sorts itself out. More signs of arrangement.

If I can one day find a way to control this arrangement deliberately I think I've worked and suffered enough already to deserve a relatively free ride for the rest of my time, and though Nick Roach says if we could fix it all we'd be fed up like King Midas, but just tweaking a few things within the whole picture should be OK.
Of course, sex would win the first wish to be granted, which will displease one reader at least. But whoever's read earlier reasons, it's because I haven't done things with anyone I really liked for more years than anyone would believe, and is one reason I'm so negative. Then I'd make sure I was never alone at home all the time, and though my 13 year old car is perfectly reliable I wouldn't mind something newer and a bit flash. I did nearly buy an import from Japan this year but it was so expensive from the rarity value plus import costs it was beyond a sensible offer. That alone would fix most of my gripes with the world as some other areas are already being taken care of without cheating. My creative side is fine as it is, and is slowly but surely growing with the possibility of a serious media career from three different possible sources, so the fiddling is for areas I can't just sit down and work on for results.

I'd also bring back a few of my old friends who have gone abroad or otherwised vanished so I have a little social group again, and finally if I can really go for it buy a house within a mile of where I used to live as it is a planned community and shows how easy it is to make anywhere look nice if only the builders bothered to. So really I'd be merging the life of my parents in the 70s with my own now, and have my own house and family in the same area, hopefully have children at the same school, though I am still close enough to go to all the same places I did then, especially as many are half way between the two areas. But parking is now almost impossible so I hardly ever waste my time looking for ages and walking for a mile or so just to negotiate a poor replica of the areas of the 60s and 70s. Even Hampstead Heath now has almost no parking so goodness knows how anyone can bother to go there unless they walk a mile or so before they get there. So I'd fix all that as well as apart from one bus route all the other areas aren't accessible enough to bother any more besides my old area itself which hardly has any parking restrictions except at certain times. Yet.
So when the weather's good I'll have to have lunch or tea in the park or the cafe at the top of my old road as often as possible as it may not be so easy if it follows Hampstead, Golders Green, Hendon, Preston Road, Kingsbury, Edgware, Burnt Oak, Finchley Central and Mill Hill Broadway. So far Hampstead Garden Suburb and Temple Fortune are the only places I can park in with no trouble, though Finchley Road which runs the length of Temple Fortune was where I worked for over 5 years and has now lost all but one shop with anyone I know left in it. I did go back regularly till last year as there were a few left from the old days but there's nothing to go there for at all now even though I can. Unless I live nearby again. Well, that's more a less a view of life in NW London, and how it's gradually gone downhill in the last 5 years. And there isn't a place I've seen yet that's worth going to instead either...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Someone makes work...

For idle hands. I've been drifting around catching little inspirations for a few days. As expected and planned, Friday was a week crammed into one day, I had to go to Finchley twice and the first time wore me out 100 times more than expected. I'm clearly not totally over my exhaustion over the summer, and wonder how long it'll take before my full energy comes back. I still feel like I've been up for 20 hours after sleeping almost a half of the last two days... Still, short of going away for a couple of weeks while being looked after, which isn't going to happen, I just have to hope it fixes itself, and before I need another blood test just in case like I did last time it happened years ago.

One inspiration I had was to make a list of all the friends I'd had all my life, classify them into levels and then see where I'd met them all. It ended up with level 1, best friends, 2, second best (logical), 3, last resorts and everyone else didn't qualify at all. There were fairly equal bunches of each, following every friend I'd had since I was about 5. Just a curiosity, but when things start going awry I like to check up and see if there's anything I can do about it, and the friends front has become pretty dire over the last few years as all the married ones have gone off to do their own things, plus a newly separated one. It showed how I meet people and filter them out until the ones remaining are clearly best friend material. A few have lasted, some left or became bored/boring, but until recently always came as old ones went so I never noticed the join. But as Buddha said, nothing lasts and of course noe of us do either. Happy subject?...

This week (only via diary, no guesses as they are now verboten) is free so far and I have a few plans to make the most of the time, and will report after the event as you know what plans end up as if reported in advance. Yes, chopped liver or worse. I also plan to go to bed an hour earlier on average, which as totally under my control can be reported. My health and life is in question and need to sort it out.
Otherwise, frozen situations become more frustrating every week, not just for me but all involved. I do have a new name to do my new kitchen, and may be sorted before the new year, but no celebrations yet. The TV transmission has generated more worry, especially towards the end as we've been waiting almost a year to hear the date and see a video, and it just seems like it never happened as it's an all or nothing situation and the longer we wait the further from reality it feels. Ditto with the magazine I wrote for, I haven't the slightest idea if they'll get the funding to go ahead yet, and finally I have two paintings now ready to deliver to the gallery if they'll have them. And I may never even sell one! Being on the edge of success is no better in reality than nothing simply as the 'now' is exactly the same either way, ie nothing. Once one or more of these megaliths does materialise the next stage planned is more of the same, and hopefully for money. I know half the world is in the same position as me, having bills and nothing coming in, but its a lovely new experience for me and something I have absolutely no conceivable need to experience but do anyhow. Maybe tomorrow I'll do a piece on angelic intevention as someone is writing about their experiences and I replied if they are around why the heck are they rationed so drastically when humans clearly can't sort out many of the problems themselves. I will see.

News will follow one way or another. I was inspired to write that, I have no idea what it means.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Celebrity 21st century style

Cheap reality TV has brought a new level and worship of celebrity recently. It's also now possible to be famous both for being familiar alone, with absolutely no other reason, and (in my opinion wrongly) for knowing another celebrity. In the past the system was being related to one, which still goes on. So if your name was Redgrave, Bonham-Carter or Dimbleby, you could have an IQ of 65 and still get a well paid job in the media. Now you just have to clean a Dimbleby's shoes apparently and that's good enough. Well I took a piss in Richard Attenborough's downstairs toilet once, but it didn't get me in the papers. OK< I think you actually have to know them fairly well first, and having sex with them guarantees fame, maybe unless you're married to them at the time which isn't news.

Given that I was born wanting celebrity (based on my power to entertain rather than simple publicity like Jade Goody and the like), how can I measure up using the new requirements for this century? Well, sod all really, but this week raised the two people I did know as a teenager and earlier in major programmes, both writers, and aspiring to a similar position myself. So with nothing else to hold on to, I'll use them.
Toby Young has just reached the A list as far as serious journalism is concerned by going onto Question Time. You don't get asked your opinions on politics without impressing the men who make the decisions. Good for him, he's a lovely bloke and deserves everything on his own merit which is a great one. But my hook is thinking of when he used to tag along with us on holiday when I was in love (from a distance) with his older sister and had to speak to her through him as she hated my guts! I remember desperately phoning her (she only lived a couple of miles away) incessantly and ending up spending most of the time talking to him as if he was there he'd rather speak to me than her. He stopped going when he was about 10 and I didn't see him again until a disco at my old school where we greeted each other like old friends. I haven't seen him since but emailed him this year (after trying to find how for a couple of years) over something and discovering he'd just written a play of his life and was asked to play himself with no prior acting experience. My claustrophobia rarely stops me doing anything I want to as it developed from forcing myself to go to things I didn't want to. But this was an example. He was on in a West End theatre. I managed to do everything on tablets I'd stopped except theatres simply as if I fidget I'd disturb the actors whereas at a film you only annoy a couple of people next to you. Plus the West End is a no-go area usually (I do manage sometimes) so it was a double no and I actually did want to see it. If he came around locally that would be the first thing to get me to the theatre in nearly 20 years and I'm really sorry I had to miss seeing it. I'll add that he was also the only person who tried to help me get my writing published and as I said he's a top bloke all round.

The other person is Will Self. He is almost my age and was at my prep school and lived in the next road. Unlike Toby though I didn't get to know him till I'd been there a few years I did go to his house, though overall I spent much more time with Toby having been in our crowd at holiday which barely split up for two weeks each year (I can't remember how many years he went though, maybe two or three). We used to go out on trips with my Dad to the seaside etc, and I'd be interested to know which places he remembers going to as we went on so many and I'm not sure exactly who came with each time. But I'm sure we were all in the back of the car making filthy comments and cracking up laughing with him on at least one occasion. And at the time, they're just Toby and Will, not famous. If I ever make it, I wonder who'll see me on TV and start saying 'I remember going to his house for tea when I was 9 and his mum coming downstairs telling us to shut up because she was working (a regular occurence). Well, if fate doesn't cut me off in advance, this will be happening in a few months and when my friend's brother was on the radio last year loads of people including me called as I'd lost his address and vice versa until I heard him on the radio. I hope the first appearance willbreak the ice and be one of many, in which case Will Self can go on Have I got news for you or They think it's all over, and say, do you know David from Kingsbury (replace with surname) came to my house once in 1971? What a little wanker (as he'd probably say about almost anyone from school).

Fame at last...

Friday, November 11, 2005

Today's injection of blog

Better than drugs, this has no side effects besides a few rude comments. I sat at my grandma's earlier writing this as I have to go to bed early and there was nothing on TV at the time so I maximised my time usage efficiently.

No plans today until 6pm so I hoped I'd use the time properly. I finished and mounted both paintings, and here is the first pen and ink drawing since I got the pen going again after 30 years.

Then I started painting the front windows, which will be a long job as it needs multiple coats and have to avoid the glass while painting frames an inch wide. Then as I'd finished the pictures cleared the whole of the tiny dining room where I work so for the first time in ages there are no papers piled all over it. It felt good not to have wasted a day that could have been frittered away on the internet yet again, and the room there actually looks bigger as well now.

I am working on the concepts in Nick Roach's book, and it implies there is an eye in the storm where regardless what's happening we can find a peaceful place and that can take over more and more. I will see. That is helped by ignoring the future as that automatically takes you straight out of the peace, whether you look forward to something or fear it you're away from now and wasting your energy totally. What happens may or more probably may not be exactly as you expect, but won't be any better if you pre-empt it now. A habit of a lifetime has to be kicked out.

By the way, one of the worst ever ad campaigns on earth (not sure why yet) is on the radio- T Mobile web and walk. Wank I say, which is what the twat in the ad sounds like. Like anyone's going to bother to spend 10-20p a minute to surf the web on a screen even an hawk's going to have trouble reading when they can pay £1 an hour or less in an internet cafe or library as I did for 4 years before I had a computer. What's the point of adding the net to a phone as it's so easy to access properly and cheaply. Silly bastards.

Oops, that's the first time real life interrupted my blog, but is the most up to date way of doing it. I just called Clive Bull to play my live version of the Blockbusters theme, but as I didn't get in till 11.30 he didn't have a chance to call me back in the remaining half an hour. Unless I become a celebrity that's the only way I can play music on the radio.
My main point today was wondering what other people forced to live alone do to take the edge off it. I have a playground grown from the beginning of my life as an only child, and becoming full-time on my own many years after that. But things make no difference, the radio which allows me to overhear PMR conversations (personal mobile radios) as well as CB (very quiet nowadays though) is the closest, but nothing can replace a real person, and after 13 years plus I'm really beginning to notice it. The little bridge into my next point is my cleaner, the fifth in as many years. Like the last one, she hardly speaks a word of English so I know absolutely nothing about her. She's a few years older than me, and despite the lack of conversation with my only reliable female visitor (three hours every fortnight!) she is still growing on me. There are a number of things I'd like to ask and tell her, and who knows what we could talk about if we actually shared the same language.
I don't know what the signals are, but it appears on the internet and phone I can attract women of a far higher calibre than in person. The fact all are thousands of miles away is why I'm alone, but shows the potential. I am certain that a degree of claustrophobia isn't terminal to a relationship, and the fact I avoid restaurants and audiences in the main shouldn't put everyone off, there's nothing else wrong with me and before that developed I got dumped a lot more despite going everywhere all the time. It can't be that important and at least I'm not a criminal which many women tolerate who I meet, including victims of their violence. I'm sure the right women would understand my problem and not give a damn if they liked me, I never would if it was their problem and I've had girlfriends with the A-Z of mental illnesses and it was never anything that made a difference to me. I suppose we look at our shortcomings we do know and assume it must be down to them, when in fact it's just dumb bad luck and not the same thing that puts each one off. As I discovered on friends reunited, at least two more girls who sent me packing in the 70s were down to their parents otherwise I could have been well in there.

I see myself writing apparently the same stuff here as well, but it moves forward as well. In a spiral rather than a circle. I see new angles, new facts and sometimes can even drop or solve issues altogether. And some of the time writing it here is all it takes to do so, so I apologise to anyone who finds it boring, but I will add the general quality of blogs in the last year has gone down drastically. People have polarised from a year or so ago into single issue focuses or trivial links and no original substance, and I wonder if the evolution of each blog can go through stages from level to level, equally down as up. I said before, technology reviews and trawling the net for twee links is something Reader's Digest and magazines in WH Smiths have done for a century, and is no need for people to do poor emulations of them in blogs. A blog is a diary essentially, and do people really write reviews of fucking ipods and xboxes in their diaries? Maybe a few do, the same people who prefer to wank over a porn film than get a real girlfriend, but they must be the minority. People who write proper diaries, ie those that go beyond appointments, do not tend to write about news, technology or films very much. Are most people so anal they don't dare to reveal their true feelings and lives, but get a blog and then decide to fill it with irrelevances? Well mine is a diary and can only reflect my life and what it makes me think of. I mention technology or news if and when it affects me, eg technology I use or intend to buy, not just 'Oh look, they've brought out a Play station that does rewind!!!'. Who fucking cares? The spotty youths who do are already fingering their way through Computer games weekly in Smiths without buying them and then probably writing them up on the net, and don't need to read it again on people's blogs. No they really don't!

That's my thought of the day.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Blogger all

Ha ha... Well as it's only a day since my last entry I struggle to drag out the slightest reportable information from Kingsbury, and now I know how news people feel. Basically sod all happens most of the time, and instead of having a variable time slot for news reports they are forced to fill the spaces with anything whatever's actually happened, and end up far more boring than any blog as they are supposed to only report events rather than theorise or fantasise on them.

My main shift has been gained from reading Nick Roach's book, as it's gradually melting away my final block to enlightenment, its existence. He explains every step along the route from beginning to end, and if you get a quick sample along the way you are left in no doubt, and only need to continue to allow it to be constant, and not, as many do claim to be enlightened already. You will know it, yes , but not yet be it.

Back on earth the emphasis is on plan Bs, for money and not being alone here among others. Life has a weird system that often as soon as you find an alternative route for a failing plan it then happens as soon as you don't need to rely on it. As none of mine are succeeding, and the ones still alive are in 'glacier mode', ie moving at the speed of a glacier or snail, appearing to actually be frozen altogether. However close the TV news is regarding transmission it seems a million years ahead.
The number of projects on the go is probably average, but of a greater importance than usual, ie money (as opposed to none at present), fame (ditto) and people. I have also applied for the ONLY home working job I could find, which if genuine pays double what I ever earned in an office, and that or another would fix my money and employment problems indefinitely. There's no homeworking job directory, so a gap in the market exists, anyone can have it as I don't want the work involved myself...

Finally on an unrelated area I've decided I no longer at 45 need to add records to my life. I'd become more interested in adding statistics than the pleasure of events themselves. I've done enough already to prove to myself and anyone else I've done all the usual things, and in now way should any be done that's an ordeal just to add a point to a list. Will anyone on earth actually care if I haven't been on a plane for ten years (though as soon as I can get up before 11am I intend to do so again for my own pleasure), and have also proved I've 'met' enough women for anyone, and would rather have had one good one properly than the load of dodgy ones I actually got. Statistics alone mean little, as holidays can be utter crap but when people tell you they've been all over the place you don't know if they actually liked it all. It is really all about quality than quantity, and I got far more pleasure sitting in an empty theatre for five or ten minutes watching Patrick Stewart help the director with set positions than spending two hours watching someone in a play. Meeting Harry Hill and spending two afternoons chatting with him beats seeing him live (I did go once but it was cancelled) performing a routine I've probably seen on TV already. Thousands of people do that, not many get to meet him and spend time with him on set working. Same with Big Brother. Two years ago I had a ticket for an eviction. I was admittedly terrified of being squashed in with all those crowds for 2 hours, but it was BB and therefore top priority. I was pretty disappointed finding most ticket holders were turned away every week including myself, but a few weeks later met four members in person (not just the one on a stage) and was still filmed into the bargain. If I'd been scheduled for that deliberately I'd never have needed to try and see an eviction as well.

So, having clocked up:

82 successes (stage 1 or above) with women
10 countries
11 US states
73 UK league/international football matches
8 O levels and 3 A levels (and two lines of letters after that)
plus numerous of the usual comedy, musical and theatre performances most people in London can see with little effort,

I am still alone, not famous, unrecognised, earning fuck all and simply able to dream I've done something interesting and wake up knowing I really have already rather than realise I've got to do it now.
The only things left I want to add are TV speaking roles (currently zero with one pending,) selling paintings and articles and women living with (only one required).
That stage of my life where I still needed to collect things is over and complete. The next stage is about quality, and impossible to simply choose to add, as though any fool can go and travel any distance they choose to go to football as millions do every week, they can't choose to appear on TV or get married! So I've graduated to 'A level life' from O level. Christ alone knows what's more advanced than that, probably for the afterlife in my guess...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


Following on from yesterday's dream, there are always many possibilities as long as a situation's unknown, despite the chances they are so. I'll extend every possibility from the dream in case there's even a million to one chance they may be true.

A message could be there, and in fact I was given a series of messages that can't be refuted:
1) If that situation ever enters my life it can be like that
and 2) I forgot all my other problems while I was there

That alone is positive and useful, and if that's all at least I can't ever turn round and think it can't be any good.

Beyond that, if there's a message it had to come from somewhere. So far my tests have shown me there is a universal (Akashic) record where every fact is stored and we tune in via clairvoyance. How else would I be fed names and places in dreams collected around small rural areas or obscure London roads in bunches of two or three that I'd have no reason to come across previously?

Then messages have to be sent. By someone or something. Something would be a part of my own subconscious that operates during sleep to go and get information easily which isn't so easy while awake, though possible as I do readings, but names aren't what I get while awake. I can easily get pictures though, faces and places while awake, but when asleep names come as well, and just as clearly as if watching a film. But why would it only switch on at random? Better would be I was being passed the data deliberately by someone, so we have another level of superior ability and they must be able to choose who they send the data to and what they send. They really would have to be aware of us and our thoughts (easy if you can send as you should be able to receive as well), and choose what to send and why pick a particular time and subject. If this was the case, everyone would be watched from a higher level of awareness, and subject to extremely rare and minor interventions apparently just for fine tuning, while the rest of the time the c**ts just let us rot. If they can do this, they may as well do a proper job.

Anyway, regardless of my choice of operation, they do it their way but means evolution will be moving us beyond what most consider to be the ultimate level already. Of course we can do some things, and not do many more. If even one man can move objects through will alone, we all could. These guys above can clearly do literally anything, like Q in Star Trek, and then synchronicities in my life would be put in as well during waking time just as easily as dream incidents. My parents joined the club last week, I played SOS by Abba at my mum's, she'd never heard it before, and then did the next day. That same day I was at my dad's listening to the radio and they mentioned an American film, march of the penguins. We'd never heard of it, then he turned over a page in his magazine and there was an article about it. This has been happening to me for a couple of years now, and I'm glad they've been included as I get fed up with people not believing me. And it makes each person think how the hell it can happen, like seeing a ufo and suddenly no longer being able to disbelieve despite it all defying logic.

So, if all follows on we now have entities aware of us all the time, able to send situations to us awake or asleep, and pointing to our own future evolution. If we are on that path already, we need to see what we can actually do when we have a go. I have seen a few people shit their pants metaphorically when after ten minutes training they see a drawing clearly in a sealed envelope. Some go home with the evidence they just drew and never come back. It's clearly fucked their whole concept of reality, like the coincidences, but added a level as they did it and couldn't cheat. Others come back and spend years with me doing experiments now we know they can do it. But these are children's levels. Baby stuff. I've sat at a table with a compass in front of us but never seen it twitch. Until we can at least interact with our surroundings we're powerless. There's little doubt the edges of these powers can be seen, and we need to follow them into the wholes to see their full operation.

Out of the tiny number of people who say they can do this (three by memory) I've seen them all, two twice. And out of them, one says it's a waste of time so stopped, but I have copies of paintings he did as a child in the style of masters he'd never even heard of and each completed in minutes. Just like my subject's telepathic drawings, you can't fake them and as he isn't and never was an accomplished natural artist I presume if he had been he would have carried on so as not to waste his talent. The two who did their thing convinced me, one had one dubious method but was tested personally by another researcher who checked the issue out, and made him do it her way and it still worked and he produced scented oil from his hands however the towel and sleeves were set up. He had no sleeves when I saw him, and the towel he wiped his hands on was the only unscientific element, and she took it away and he did the same thing with no sleeve to hide the oil or towel to hold it in. I can't really tell how he'd do it otherwise and he makes no money from it like Uri Geller and is almost totally unknown. If he was just after fame and money he could be as big as Uri Geller but obviously has no interest in doing so.

If the next step could be the entities showing me a little more I could make some more progress. I'm no longer young, and would like to both know some more and be able to do something with it before I'm too old to use it properly or have sufficient time. There's little point in being given the key to life and then popping off the perch, or being given great footballing skill when you're too old to run. So the next steps if present would be more useful sooner than later, I just want to know if we're not alone and what they and us can really do if allowed to do it. I've been given enough clues now and it's time the miraculous was revealed if it exists.


I was in a bar in Hampstead, and in front of me a beautiful woman, looking like a gypsy with wavy black hair and piercing blue eyes was singing a folk song in French, though she was English.
Soon after we were sitting together on a bench, overlooking the nearby Rosslyn Hill. We were an item, totally comfortable in each other's presence, laughing and joking. This was how a well-established relationship should feel, we were just right together, and felt completely stable as a couple. She asked me if I liked Gregorian chants, and I said I don't think so, but I've only heard a few. We watched the scenery in the distance from high on the hill, and I was sure I could see water in the distance though I knew there couldn't be any there.
We kissed deeply, and then she said shall we go and see the scenery in your road or go away somewhere?

Though amazing looking, she wasn't my typical type, but with everything added together she was clearly the one, very posh and getting on for 30. Unlike everyone before, there'd been no effort involved after I met her, it just flowed easily and happened naturally. No effort, playing games, or all the usual laboured stages I was used to. It seemed fated this time. This is how I always expected it ought to be. It was literally as if this was my other half, reflecting back the part of me I couldn't know on my own. In my 45 years of waiting, some had told me it was a fantasy, this didn't happen, and if I was going to be with someone it would either be better without or a compromise. Well now I knew I was right all along, and though I was totally in it for me, not to show or prove anything to anyone else, they had been all wrong. Most of my life I'd felt this was what I was waiting for and I'd proved myself to be correct.

Finally, not only was I feeling safe, secure and complete, everything else in my life may as well not have existed. I had just forgotten all about it, all my problems didn't even seem to be real or within my awareness now. Even if they still existed, my awareness of them had evaporated, being totally in the moment with her nothing else seemed to exist.

This was on the night/morning of November 7th 2005. Though it was as real to me as any other experience to me of course it was a dream, the second I remember of such a type. It had benefits, showing me what life has the potential for and reminding me that when I may forget from lack of recent memories. Whether there's any extra point or meaning, I can't say. If there was it may have to mean a higher awareness was at work, and therefore my life was not what it had ever seemed. I was in fact being looked after despite many years of tribulation. But though a dream, as it was real at the time and unlike other dreams followed (though a part of time was cut out) and all the conversation was normal, not mixed up or nonsensical. There were scenes not like real life as part of what we were looking at, but that was simply because it was a dream but didn't alter the situation or my sense of realism in it. But I reaffirm that is at least as good as it could be like in the right relationship and however long I have to wait, that's my aim.

Friday, November 04, 2005


Due to a client cancellation I've got an unexpectedly free period so to speak. Various little chores await but of course I came here first. As synchronicity would have it, I just read a post that said when someone was just being himself he was really funny, and as soon as someone asked him to perform it became impossible. This is very much like what I do here. Some days I can think of something funny and it flows, others it's a moan and a whinge but it helps me get it off my chest as Al in the previous comment. One of the benefits of blogging. But I rarely plan it and if I do it's just the same process before I reach the keyboard. I can't just say 'I want to do a funny piece today' and turn one out as I'm not a comedy writer and even half of them write crap when they're supposed to be being funny. So much as I'd like to have the world (location rather than population of it) falling about with laughter every time I touch the keyboard, you'll have to take the rough with the smooth.

While I'm on the subject (rough), the critic who follows me about here has missed a point. She just listed in various places all the things that are wrong with me. That means she wanted to be with someone knowing they had all those faults. As Al just said, cake and eating it come to mind. If I was to hold on to the past instead of moving on and persecute everyone who'd gone wrong in relationships I'd be at it till I was 500 years old working 8 hours a day. So if you're reading this, for christ's sake move on and get over it. I thought I was mentally ill but seeing the way you're behaving made me realise you've got it a lot worse at the moment. Talk about issues...

Anyway, moving swiftly on, the addiction is of course to blogging, as other avenues dry up one by one (collecting train tickets, seeing my friend in Golders Green, having a job etc.) new areas of activity arrive, and this has become a reliable though pretty low profile and low benefit one. I say that as unlike a few celebrities, most normal bloggers have a small audience and no one to publish their work in the mass media. And until they do I write most things online, both here and in forums. It's a community like any other with its characters and like any good soap it's bad guys. Now having read my blog, does anyone else think I'm a bad guy? I'd like to run a poll on that now but wouldn't get enough responses! But I can tell you though I'm pretty good at making mistakes, can be impulsive, do things without knowing what I'm dealing with etc., I don't really think I'm a bad guy. Spamming adversaries with insults is more like bad guy territory, long after the issue is cold, and then adding any reasonable comment with more including threats. I'd far rather answer these allegations by email but I was told not to, and as the comments are in public I'll just have to reply in public. I didn't take it there, but it's now where the fight is continuing.

Back to my point, I wasn't intending to answer my critic but there's nowhere else I'm allowed to do it. The internet is a community like any other once you have the same people visiting sites regularly. The blog is one of these and you can see how someone's life changes from month to month and year to year. One blog is having a meeting tonight by coincidence, in about half an hour, but due to my intense dislike of Central London I won't be there. Had it been more local I'd have done all I can to get there, but not in town thanks. Old fears die hard and that's probably my second oldest (classical music concerts are the oldest having been dragged to many as a child). I did spend ten years on and off working in the centre of London, and it's a lot worse now. Id' have had to also pay £8 for the privilege of going there, plus it would be likely there would be nowhere to park (though maybe some spaces would be free after 5pm), and that would be another £10 or so. I used to see someone every month in Holborn, and after they put up parking meters it cost about £6 a go and I wasn't allowed to stay for more than 2 hours even though I was willing to pay extra. This City is a c**t. I've never used that word in my blog before (and didn't totally just then) but that's the only word for it. I live in the country relatively speaking, not in distance but in quality, so central London may as well be another place as far as I'm concerned as I haven't been there for years. Cramming so many buildings into a small area is ridiculous anyway in the 21st century, and now people can travel without a horse we needn't keep centuries old methods of living that don't work now. But they do and they will so I keep away.

Quite frankly, I'd be the happiest around here if something shifted in my life, inner or outer. I've seen my own posts get darker and darker, and even when I've tried to inject some humour people have said I'm down. I will admit to using black comedy as a personal habit, so will make many situations look more dire than they are if I'm trying to make them funny, but some people miss that. But if I'm straight and tell it like it is, that's how it is. The lack of control over life is quite amazing to me, in that though we can apply for jobs, socialise and try all sorts of things there's no connection with actually succeeding except in academic courses which are structured in a totally predictable way. The rest of life is exactly like a lottery. You can buy a ticket but the result is then up to the system. Fifty fifty. I paint pictures, the public decide whether to buy. I write, ditto. Whatever I do, whether trained or by practice, is to the best of my current ability, but what is done with it (as with everyone in the world) is out of my control. One example. I write a new thread in a forum. Hardly anyone reads it and it gets no replies. A year later I copy it in another forum and it becomes busy. Identical product, different response. Same with calling the radio, one topic once got over two hours of calls and died a death in a forum. So like the weather I have to wait for a change in wind direction to blow the good times over Kingsbury, meaning:

Official bureacrats would stop turning my claims down
Not every woman I liked would reject me
Someone, after ten years of being published, would pay me for writing something
I'd sell a picture
I'd get a part time job I applied for
I'd start feeling happier again
One of my old friends would be around regularly or I'd meet a new one
At least one claim of the supernatural would be proven
Not every potential decision by the government would go against car drivers for once
More people actually replied to calls and emails when they said they would
Someone would actually want to do my house renovations without charging the price of a new room to do so
Some of every potential piece of good news that may happen in the future may actually materialise in reality instead of evaporate

and a few miracles beyond this reality while I'm on a roll

I could be allowed to make a list of women I wanted and get one of them
The aliens my clients claim to be in contact with would actually show themselves
I was able to reactivate my ability to see auras at will
I'd be offered a chance to live with someone else I liked
I'd get a long term regular income without a full time job to go with it
I'd find someone with similar problems who understood mine as well as I do, if not better so maybe could help fix them
I felt exactly what was meant by enlightenment
Someone I used to know caught up with me I'd already been looking for myself
Someone mass produced a car in this country like the old ones they copy in Japan
I could have out of body experiences
I became a guest expert on radio and TV interviews
I got to know someone from Big Brother (especially Becki!)
I was allowed to visit the Big Brother house (preferably with said housemate)
They abolished all the anti-car measures in London (congestion charging, humps and road narrowings)
Anyone from the past who had been a right sod to me came back with an apology
A nice woman came on to me for a change
The new neighbour was a single woman who was lonely
and finally (this has happened to others) someone read my blog and quoted it in a newspaper

Well, that's a load of bollocks but does explain about 30 things that contribute to my negative attitude at the moment. Surely I'm not the only single sensitive person who would like more out of life, especially having had so much in the past and see it gradually slip away so I do know what I could be having. Shakespeare it ain't, but I'm not trying to be anyone else.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Big Brother

Day 304 alternative Big Brother house. David has little to do besides listen to an old radio programme on the computer. The cat is sitting by the door. Various tasks have been taken this week, the sheet mountain has been reduced to a small pile in the corner, and two paintings are almost finished ready to be copied and mounted.
A few quick visitors have been this week, David's father, neighbour and a friend. Due to a shopping error the cakes have run out as have the crisps and as the storeroom only exists in the real big brother house David will have to make his own arrangements when passing a convenient shop.

Being allowed communication with the outside world, two calls have been made to LBC this week as previously reported, including a graphic description of David's deep interest in a woman he pretty well oughtn't, much to the disbelief of Iain Lee who couldn't visualise someone like me raving over a woman so different from what people expect.
The diary room in the alternative house has been replaced with the blog room, big brother being the internet viewers and only reply with rare comments. As there's no one else in the house to talk to besides the rare visitors David makes full use of the diary computer and would rather see it as a delayed conversation than talking to himself. Current news is the producer has sold the adjoining house to David's, but David has no idea whether the new occupiers will be friendly or running a crack den. Of course it could be literally anyone, and the odds are 50-50 if they'll be OK, and 20% they'll ever talk to him besides saying hello.

There's still no word from maintenance for essential repairs and renovations. The building budget has been allocated but as yet no staff have accepted the offer to carry out the work, citing reasons like 'I'd rather work for idiots I can rip off' or 'for minor aristocracy than take your piddling shite job'.

Finally Jon Tickle will be impersonated for a quick diary room entry.

Morning big brother, for it is now nine minutes past midnight. All is chaos in the big brother house, there has been a war over biscuits for two days now, with Tania refusing to accept the fact if she eats over her quota each day the suplly will run out two days early. I tried to explain it to her diplomatically and she replied with a rude gesture and walked off in disgust. Not a very successful mission unfortunately. Ray's become very frustrated and has started making very vulgar suggestions about the girls, which has made Cameron's face turn very red, as he isn't used to such talk in the Orkney Islands. I fear someone may have to turn the hose on him if he gets any worse as he's slowly turning into a wild animal. We seem to have enough potatoes to last the week, thanks to my measuring exercise on Monday where I sorted groups into a selection of different sizes for each day of the week, and surprisingly no one seems to have spoilt the system and have been using each group on the appropriate day. I may actually have had a little organisational influence on the group after all. Well big brother, that's about all for now, there are vegetables to be looked after in the garden and I fear if I don't get cracking nothing will happen as nobody else seems to be prepared to make an effort there besides myself. Not to worry, I've never been the one to avoid responsibility so off I go for now, bye big brother, Jon signing off.


No sooner did I see blogger #1s remarks about basically 'Can't please all the people all the time' I then read one of my other regular reader's blogs also going crazy over receiving no comments. He also said how talented he was and would be famous, and though I wouldn't dream of such a remark myself I also feel ready for fame, but always have. As I said, part of the blogging game, but I don't give up. And Al, five regular commenters isn't too bad, about the same as me. And for every reader that doesn't comment that goes up as well, plus I also get emails as well instead sometimes.

For those who worry about me here (at least one so could be others) I do appreciate it. From the inside I only see the present situation, but readers can see trends of the slide downhill at times from what I say, and it's really the fact that any problems I have which on their own would be annoying have all arrived at once. I'm sure everyone has their bending point (as I'm not broken by it), it just takes more for some than others. And of course anyone in the shit tends to like a support group and find fellow sufferers who understand them. Just human nature.

One more thing I was taught by a therapist long ago is what we should expect from friends and partners. Basically when their going gets tough you give them support not rejection. This is because when I start finding it impossible to do certain things for whatever reason I worry one by one people will get fed up with me for not joining in and drop me for more active friends. He asked me if I'd do that and I said of course not, I like my friends for who they are and couldn't care less what they can and can't do. So if I had a girlfriend who didn't like something I did, like seeing my friends, I'd just accept it, and in fact there have been two who didn't, and though I now expect I know what it's like not often going to films or restaurants for them with me, it couldn't ever put me off someone. It's being with people that's top of my list, everything else is second. And most events I do go to are ones friends aren't interested in so I go on my own and enjoy them as I am interested. I just wanted to say this now as if I met a woman today I wouldn't be up to going to many places and realised it wouldn't make any difference to me, so it shouldn't for them if they liked me enough (though in the real world not everyone's such a saint I know).

So, a little bit of practical life lessons there, I really do need to find more people who do understand these things so I can see it work in practice as like so many of my clients I tend to look out and assume everyone's doing better than me when I'm down. That's why it's so important to say so and share it, as others then realise they're not alone and it's both a part of life and one where we can support each other and get closer, not further apart.

There endeth today's lesson

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Odds and sods

Great and small minds think alike. I just saw a fellow blogger's cut and pasted vacuous comment, and he said is it time to switch back to the knob jokes? I beat him to it by using some already last week, and can see that when I used one months ago at least one reader misunderstood it due to an apparent blind spot to humour. Anyway, it shows the blog world is the same for anyone, and also none of the utter wankers who seem to enjoy more in life dragging down the work of others than doing something of their own have their own blogs to show what they can do so much better than us. I wish one would open their heart and mind every day or two and then see the crap comments start. How would it look from the other side?

Peeing with rain here today and I'm tired after two nights disturbed sleep in a row so I stayed in and had a friend round for a couple of hours earlier. I've now got a rare football match to watch on Sky as Man Utd. are losing 1-0 to Lille who are playing like a top international team against Birmingham City with 20 minutes to go. Luckily football never ruled my life but seeing them struggle against unknowns doesn't look good for a team already unable to win the league. I also had LBC radio on this afternoon and Iain Lee asked before he started for people who fancied older women or men, and I got straight on with a story close to my heart, and grandma rang up later to say she'd heard it as well. Actually if the woman referred to had been listening she'd now not be in any doubt how I felt and even as clearly not interested would know I was. It wouldn't really spoil my chances as I doubt they ever existed to start with.
Well, apart from a reboot required and email still jamming the broadband issue seems to have resolved itself, though if I was a business relying on it as so many do I'd be surprised if all connections were as unreliable as this, my dial up used to be years ago but then became almost solid for the two hours it lasted before I had to do it again.
Well, the game just ended 1-0, will they even get into the next round after that? I will now use the time to get on with my picture.


Well, today whatever happened nothing went wrong!. It shows it's possible at the moment, and if I record it here at least I won't forget it so easily when I need to in the future.

I started by hooking my ancient laptop to broadband so I could compress 4 hour's worth of updates into 10 minutes, which worked fine. I then hooked it all back to the PC and phut. Again I twiddled and fiddled and apart from the modem lights working it was dead, so I went out, planned my next move, but when I came home it was fine again! I just rang the radio as they've been asking callers for musical jingles and I played Jeremy Taylor's old hit from South Africa 'Ag pleez deddy', which I played and sang on the guitar. Believe it or not the next caller was from Zimbabwe and it brought back loads of childhood memories for her. What are the chances of that?

I have done 4 loads of washing, only one to go, and invested in a tough new wicker basket as the load has crushed the old red plastic one which is quite old. I'm free the next two days so far, which is what I really need at the moment, and don't care what I do or not as long as I chill out and relax. And I just saw the blog of someone else I know online with related health problems to me (though many times worse than my own), and it's clearly something that hits far more people than you realise until people actually come out and say it's happening to them. Once you realise many apparently 'OK' people out there are suffering from a plethora of health problems, and many of the most talented you buy books and music they create often have even more per person. It just seems to come with the territory, and if you're sensitive enough to analyse, question and create unfortunately you feel things a lot more than some, and the bad stuff can go pretty deep once the door has been opened by a stressful event or three. How we fill that opening in the armour is a mystery to me besides the obvious tablets, though of course as I said if I can relate my own problems to negative outside events I assume it would pick up if they did. But nowadays I take nothing for granted as all my original assumptions proved wrong when tested.

Basically, I used to assume people would be happy from good events that I expected to make me happy. So the rich and successful who were worse than I was moaning and whingeing about every little thing, let alone all the drugs were a mystery to me. So what happened? I was put (karma if anything's an example of it) where I was in such a low state I didn't give a damn whatever happened apparently, so I could stop imposing expectations on other people, also covering what I could do and expected others should as well (I didn't even realise I did it till I was stopped in my tracks once). OK, I learnt my lesson, no need for those conditions now thank you. The points have been learnt and I'll never make those mistakes any more. Change please?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Yes, post 2 in the 'because I can' series. Unloading now, like having a good shit, because I'm here.
I'm bored and fed up. I love to analyse (I said analyse, not be analysed you sods!) and in a quiet moment in front of Wife Swap USA on TV tonight I listed all the chances I'd had to get some pleasure in life recently with the number of them that actually happened. Not a pretty sight. Basically every attempt made to get something good, whatever the apparent chances, failed drastically. And every step of projects I have take as long as possible and usually make me do every possible step with no let up and if there's a chance of anything going wrong at each it usually does. Again, phases and coincidences come to mind, and without giving the list in detail (many are on earlier posts already) I'd challenge a saint to cope with the stress I have at the moment and not suffer.

The only few crumbs were paying less for my car repair than I expected to (after a week off the road...) and someone I thought was gone for good came back so I'm not such an insufferable arse as I thought I may have become. The only real good news was the broadband after years of disappontments from NTL, though apart from the time factor I can't actually do more than I could before, it just flows much more easily.

I really find it hard to believe everyone who isn't satisfied with their life more than 50% (I'd love to know how many of the world that referred to) found it almost impossible to do anything about it. I was told years ago despite financial and career success I had what I needed but not what I wanted. This hasn't changed over 15 years later really, plus now I haven't even got an income.

I don't ever write for sympathy, I know strong people club together and it's those who appear happy with their lot that are given more, not the moaners. So that's not my motive, no way. I look for answers, whether by me from turning everything over or others who read it. I also know there are few if any original views on life full stop. It's all recycling every generation and if there were any fixes we'd have them instead of the bible. Just the fact millions of people rely on 'Walter begat Winifred who begat Aloysius' and 'Moses coughed on a Tuesday and God was not happy' etc shows what a sorry state much of humanity is in. And yes, I'm not a religious person. God forbid (get it?!). Anyway, my practical puzzle is what on earth there is to do besides carry on and, as if in a traffic jam, just follow the cars in front and move when they do? I can't make new roads, raise the cars to drive beneath them like in that spastic new ad on TV*, or even slip into another dimension and drive through them all. I really see no alternative but not to look beyond the present and only deal with what I have at the time and plan useful things ahead.

If at any time in the future (clue, it hasn't happened before) a person comes into my life to remove me from this routine of attempts followed by disappointment I also believe any reduction in stress would improve my physical health as well. As I know stress has made my symptoms (don't ask...) a lot worse, then removing it should reverse than effect. And one person is the most important key to that change for certain. Having a regular income is second for obvious reasons, and admittedly though 'now' nothing's happened, the fact they are well ahead the set up TV appearance plus the magazine usage may allow at least on area to pick upon business or pleasure, but they've been in the background for months and will be still so have little or no help right now and neither are guaranteed to happen 100%. I can't rely on anything that can't help me now, so that is just filed under 'ignore'.
I do have a list of activities that will absorb me when I have time to spare as I said last week when I had the day off. I just bought a box of poster paints for my next picture which will be a bigger one and to be shown to a new and much parger gallery to see what they think. But apart from family at the moment all those activities are done on my own, which is why I'm now talking to myself here rather than going to bed on my own. But beyond those activities, I have no method apart from meditation (which somehow feels like eating an hour out of my day even though it's just as good for me as going to the gym), and that's still on my bloody own again. Yes, I'm beginning to lose it. The string of nasties I've had this year hasn't stopped, just changed form from one nightmare to another to keep me on my toes just like any good nightmare, and having to fill in new forms from my potential benefactors three times in a week (in an ongoing series now lasting most of the year) with one or two phone call follow ups each time is one good reason for it.

Other disappontments and stresses include a definite no show on an email I expected a show on (VIP), botty problems (as if everything else isn't enough), medical and dental visits for myself and the cat, no response from any worker who could fit my kitchen and repair my garage, sleep disturbances (fancy that) which can leave me fit for nothing the next day, as well of course as the series of women who have treated me like a joke this year from every sector of my life. Then the two stupid UFO programmes on Channel 4 and Sky 1 (who the fuck is Danny Wallace exactly??) which did more to set back the cause of UFO research than anything since project blue book (google if necessary). I could refute almost every point they made in seconds and they simply looked at all the discredited sightings and ignored the good ones mainly.

So, (to break my rule under licence), what could be ahead? Logic says 'As above so below' so exactly the same. Technically I've seen more and more I had fizzle away and none of the things I hoped for (besides go on TV) happen in the last 10-15 years. And technically though it's 'in the can' I haven't been on yet and no date as I write. So even that hasn't really happened. Women have come and gone, especially the two days in 2002 when I did more in two days with two new women than I had in four years. One I knew from years ago and the other I'd just met online. So it can happen on that front, just not very often. Money wise anything could happen, this is all new territory to me so I really don't know what's ahead on that front. So technically, say a year ahead, an average scenario would be (and let's see if I was right):

I'll still be painting but will only have sold one or two. I'll have met a couple more women but got nowhere. My old friend will still be living abroad. I'll still be living alone (easiest one). I won't have got much recognition or benefit from TV programme. I won't have made any money. I certainly won't have found a job despite looking. I'll have written a number of new articles but only published in small unpaid places. I won't have made any new friends to replace the old ones. No one I like from the past would have drifted back into my life.

This is more or less the way each following year has followed the previous one, with the rare exceptions like the 2002 peak. Of course life itself has the potential for the unexpected to happen, and though there is the Nick Roach and David from Kingsbury jointly endorsed observation the bad is always more likely to occur than the good, it doesn't have to. And of course any or all of these areas could be even worse, but scientifically are more likely to follow tha past than jump to a different scale either way. I hope...

*I take great pleasure of the freedom of the internet to use non PC words as it's my fucking website and it's not against the law!