Sunday, May 07, 2006

Accepting reality


Yes, the activity has been hovered from my life at the moment. If I wasn’t so tired (4am bedtimes I expect) I’d live with it, but I know I’ve probably got limits if I’m going to think of anything new to keep me busy.
I’ve run out of ideas, and with no family to keep me occupied and talk to I’m in an open prison of a life, in solitary confinement. So I can only go with the flow, and the first idea that came to me is simply to edit all the philosophy type entries from here into a book. Of course I can’t imagine anyone publishing it, and am aware of selling self published work before, but will just print one off on paper and see what people think of it. Otherwise, although I have cleared all my major 2006 tasks (there are regular ones I have to do plus the extra dental ones which crop up from time to time) there’s little left besides waiting for good weather and doing the garden.
I suppose it’ll shift sooner or later, as long as more of the crap from the past doesn’t come back again. I’ve currently got two new cars on the horizon, an old cheap one I’d prefer but not yet available, and a newer one I may not wait to be sold to someone else if the other one doesn’t materialise. I’ve had the other one for well over 7 years and should be collected within a few weeks by its new owner. I need something else first and as long as I get either of these two I’ve already seen I’ll be OK.

One mystery to me is why more people who live alone don’t pair up simply for convenience. Few I know like it, and the sort of house two could buy would easily be better for two than each one now is for one. Two of my house’s value, for instance, could just manage a 4 bedroom house in Temple Fortune, which is extremely civilized, dare I say it extremely Jewish, and where I used to work. It’s half a mile from my first choice millionaire type area, and probably see many old faces from school if I hang around there again as I sometimes do shopping there.
Another few hundred thousand and I’d be back in the old place of course, but don’t know anyone with that sort of cash tied up where they live now. One thing I did realise is the biggest problem in relationships is wanting the other to change. This can be extended now into my own life, expecting any aspect to improve as each actually means someone would have to change. So as only my grandma would want me living with her (no cat, and 24 hour surveillance) I continue to live alone.

I certainly didn’t write a blog to complain. I just report what is, and at the moment there’s little to be interested in. You can’t keep doing the same things on your own for ever without running out of material eventually. I can’t find anywhere different walking locally, take pictures of places left I haven’t chosen already (I’ve already got the definitive book about Golders Green, though it’s black and white), I’m already writing fit to bust, apart from my international connection can keep painting but unlikely to sell anything in a gallery, and if meditation worked the way it does for some I know I’d just do that and not give a damn about what else is happening.

People aside (as that’s not in my control) I’d like to be paid to write, so by sitting at home for hours with the radio on and coffee on the go, being paid around £100 a day for waffling on paper is the first solution I’d like. Then I could draw a clear line between work and free time, and no longer feel guilty for having dead time on my hands having not earned it by working first. Then I’d be able to compress my internet time to when I was free, and walk and watch TV as well as the housework in between. Anyone visiting is always a bonus, and there’s not a single one I can rely on to visit regularly, while the one I went to see is 5000 miles away now.

So, I’ve had to accept nothing will change outside as other people choose the way things are that suits them, not me, so I can only do what I can within my own limits. The only real difference from now is I’ve got to believe this is how it is, and I won’t get any rescue from the natural or supernatural. That is the true reality, no angels, fairies, guides or any other little helpers. They don’t exist. As for God people have looked for God since the concept was first invented, and are no closer now than they were on the first day. God has been in my girlfriends and prospective girlfriends. Anything else is of this world and pretty ordinary. I have to have the odd dream of better places to experience any more, and that’s it. It’s taken me over a year of putting it all down in writing to come to this conclusion, and have had to return to the fold of realists, and put all imaginary hope in the bin where it always should have been. If I want anything material I’ll have to earn it, anything else and forget it.
I have control over a few things, but they can never directly improve my life, and often new directions can even make it worse. I haven’t missed any doors, I do as much as anyone with my level of health can do, and that’s it. No miracles, phenomenal efforts or rescuers. Just what is, exactly as it seems. No hidden dimensions or activities going on behind the scenes.

I can’t wake up tomorrow and find Ken Livingstone (our Soviet-style mayor) out of the job, a new house, my friends are on their way home to England, UFOs have landed, I’ve got a £50,000 book deal, an old girlfriend has tracked me down, my lost hair is returning, I can see auras, I’ll have an income for life, sport will be back on BBC, someone will start making old Morris cars again, the person (or persons) I hint to sometimes here will pick them up and accept them, and I’ll be put in a situation where I’m not always on my own at home.
Plus there’s not a fucking thing on earth I can do about making any of these happen (besides working like the person I’m not for the material ones) as they all rely on wanting other people to change. From the particular to the general isn’t normally accurate, but the principle usually applied to individuals is exactly how I saw the world in the large scale. It’s free will and I can’t direct it for others, end of.

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