Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Early entry

Arriving here before I actually do anything else (listening to a radio archive before it's removed tomorrow is a good excuse), there's plenty to do from a list of nice things for a change, plus the chance of a not so nice which I'll ignore for the moment.
Looking back over the last 4 weeks I'm pleased with myself. Apart from a successful car purchase and sale, I've had more work than usual, sold a painting, done plenty of gardening for two gardens, renewed my annual professional accreditation, got all my shopping done, spent a day on an alien abductee regression (including meal breaks!), and of course spent many hours in the gym. So I shouldn't feel guilty or imagine I can't do much as I seem to have done regardless.

I can do without any stress though. I'm still pretty tired a lot of the time, though as long as it's only tiredness I think my health won't be so much in question. It would seem if I just took a week off, no work, shopping, going anywhere or doing anything I reckon most of the tiredness would go, and that's pencilled in if I need it rather than a blood test (which option would you prefer?). I honestly believe if my health rethurned I'd accept a lot more and certainly expect a lot less from life as apart from the regularly reported creative work done by people forced to stay at home, I really need to rely on my body again. Whether it's looking for trouble or not I'll find out, but I've just found the dedicated anxiety forum, which will either reinforce my attitudes or feel normal regardless of them. I will see.

Waiting for anything uncertain uses up a lot of concern. Making a profit is so rare for me that any hint a profit may be possible in the pleasure area, and then knowing there's an indefinite wait not to get the profit, but find out if it's even possible. If that's hope there isn't a lot really. I repeat my own knowledge of the pleasure market puts the current chance at 5%, though current clues appear to raise it I won't be distracted by false signals, which almost lost me my career once... Well it could have done...
In America, as I've discovered, when a woman is friendly at least half the time she's coming on to you, and usually does, just as a man does. If I lived there I'd have been married by 26 as the women there act like human beings. In general that is. It shows it's not me, but the fucking cultural deficiencies of Queen Victoria's Britain (far more alive than the spirit of Jesus), where if a woman here is nice to you they want something. Bloody stupid really. So not only have I had to learn one lot of false signals, but realise they only apply to certain people. Talk about needing a degree in communications.

I really wonder if my friend in Florida reads this. The value he put on my wishes clearly dropped away with distance, why tell me he's going to read the judgement on a specific day and then disappear? That's not cricket, and just because he's no longer in England shouldn't stop him playing by our rules. Fair play means sticking to what you start, and after plating cat and mouse since january, giving a specific final date for revelation 5 months late and then ignoring it is not fair or necessary. OK, I never say this to him, it would make no difference besides ruining the friendship, so what's the point? So I vent here and if he reads it I'd expect a reaction at least.

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