Monday, May 01, 2006

If I could say it to their faces...

Being British, I can't usually say to women what I'd like to directly, and even writing it here opened up a minuscule chance one of the two women I'll mention could read it, but I've got little to lose, and I'll say what I'd like to to each of them to the internet, though I'd prefer to be able to tell them. It reminds me of the conselling method where someone writes a letter to a dead relative to say what they didn't while they were alive, and this is virtually the same. With the same chance of success even if I told them face to face. So here are the ten women in my mind (though of course not in my life) and what I want to say about and to them.

So in an ideal world I could address each woman I know directly and tell them how I feel specifically. I was also inspired by a reporter in today’s paper who, fed up with meeting nutters online, decided to do just that to a woman who went cold on him, and they are now married. So besides not naming these people directly, and hopefully making it vague enough they couldn’t be sure it was them I was referring to, I’ll have a go now. And as it's a fantasy I include all the taken ones as well.

One is out of reach, but free. The sort of situation where I am considered off limits so viewed as a mannequin with no sexual organs. Believe me, I have, if you were only to change how you see me. I’d like to say to her I’ve been seen for so long as a boy and not a man (the only time a balding 46 year old doesn’t want to be seen as young…) but I want to show you every day how much of a man I am!

Two is who I referred to as the only one I know with a 5% chance of success. I have a timetable and will stick to it and see what happens.

Three I am waiting for a message to get through when she returns to England and will see if her possible interest in me was genuine.

Four I’ve spoken about many times before. I still see her regularly and besides her unavoidably magnetic looks and passing interest in enlightenment, we couldn’t be more different. But we get on, she feels right even at the opposite end of a huge room from me, and shows surface cultural differences matter little when someone has that special quality. She has this site but has little enough time to do anything let alone go on the internet. But if she read this and knew I meant her, I’d say “From the day I saw you in the corridor I saw something special. By the time I considered acting on it you mentioned your boyfriend, and as I considered whether to give up (I only give up on married women immediately nowadays, after many wasted hours), you announced how committed you were so I dropped it. But you are special and I want you to know that, whatever you think about me I see something very rare in you in whichever way I look.

Though I haven’t seen five for a while (no loss), the tattooed lady at the gym with the boyfriend who is now probably so possessive he’s working out with her rather than just sitting outside in case someone like me tries to talk to her again is still in my mind. I could well see the bloodstains on the wall mirrors and the police hauling him off after I looked at her in a funny way. Actually he seems like a total wimp but his constant attention implies a hidden darker side that would come out if challenged.

Six is the best looking woman of all at the gym, probably a 10. But nothing at all in common, just like a picture as far as conversation goes. I don’t know if she’s even taken as I’ve never got more than three words out of her in as many years. But what looks! And she’ll end up with some criminal who sleeps around as they always do. Unappreciated, wasted and totally devoted to gaining their love, as so many women only want a man who shows little or no interest in them. God’s idea of a joke, if there had been one.

Seven is my cleaner, unable to speak more than three words of English in one go so I know nothing about her. Whatever can be conveyed without words she does seem to be a very nice person who seems to like me, but unless I use the sort of body language that would get me arrested I’ll never even know if she’s married or not, let alone up for anything extra if not. I’d just want to say (in Portuguese) “I don’t know if you’re married, but the longer you’ve been coming the more I’ve become attracted to you, and would be very happy to get it together”. Then I’d learn Portuguese for “Stroll on, who the fuck do you think you are you scrawny jewish excuse for a man who can’t even keep his own house clean and has to pay an immigrant worker to do it. If I wasn’t on the run from a Brazilian drug baron I’d tell you to stick your broom up your arse, possibly even put it there myself!”.

Eight I can mention now as she’s gone and out of the way for good. She was a woman with no looks at all. Not the kind I look at and go ‘no way!’, just nothing attractive, but not actually unattractive. Her personality and body gradually won me over without any need to be attractive as well, which proved something in itself. She was actually so little effort and such good company I could easily imagine a pretty comfortable relationship and good other side of it whatever she looked like. I’d love to tell her as well, but as I can’t (trust me!) so I can only say it here as my non-catholic confessional.

Nine is the lady off the internet dating site who said she'd phone and didn't. Though I’ve never met her and only seen a blurred picture, fantasy has no rules so here goes. What I have virtually said to her in reality is “I’m not sure why you decided not to phone me but as, on paper at least, we seemed to stand a chance, could you give me one?” (a chance I mean!). But given the way she behaved the little good I know about her on paper has been overtaken by her actions, as anyone who can do something like that would do it all the time so can't really be worth much.

Ten is a 'Tried, failed, but still around'. I get these from time to time as (not in my own best interests) I am useful to some people. I'd like to tell her that I had been waiting for a wife since 1984, and had her in that position in my mind, in my house, with my friends and family, and there in 40 years time as now. It didn't happen, but despite all the others I mention she was the only one put in this imaginary role. That has to count for something, though I know it would make her feel ill at the thought.

Technically I think number nine would be the most suitable in practice, as she was easygoing and totally undemanding. She had little in the way of ambition and plans for any man, in fact was past even wanting a relationship so may never have one again in reality. But if anything melted the ice, despite any surface details, it may have been like jumping ahead 40 years into a long marriage from the beginning, comfortable and relaxed, having missed out all the teenage plus action of younger couples. We'd be doing the garden and sitting in front of the fire from the beginning instead of at the end, and I think she may be one of the few content to do so. When all the energy of youth is gone, that's what remains, and is actually the heart of a true relationship, as without that it's only on the surface. But the ones that do last into old age have the foundation of companionship that goes beyond where you go and what you do together, but just the together part. It's a shame she didn't see a spark of it as well, as I could have been to busy to be sitting here at almost 1am on a monday writing this...

No comments: