Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Arrange my marriage!

Having worked for someone with a very successful arranged marriage, I learnt from him how they usually work. They aren't forced on anyone or random, but certainly for Hindus and orthodox Jews mean someone fairly suitable is chosen, and you are introduced and then decide yes or no, a bit like a speed date but with more riding on the decision if you get the 'double-tick'.
Anyone old enough to be desperate will usually have had enough experience to know what suits them more or less, and in my case if someone passed the test physically and wasn't bossy would get the nod.
Boring is no longer a consideration, for a number of reasons. People who are boring are more lacking good qualities than having bad. If someone's heart is in the right place, though I admit boring is a last resort, it isn't any longer a terminal quality though the conversation is bound to be pretty limited.

I used to have an 'attempted girlfriend', who saw me as much as a real one (a lot more actually) but said she was only a friend and any rare benefits I got were a literal miracle considering. I was thoroughly fed up being with her but as she was at the time the best looking woman I'd ever met I was happy just looking and occasionally touching (very limited). Of course the silences were far from ideal, and being out with her meant I was more or less on my own as she could go into a staring trance for hours at a stretch. Apparently she liked looking at people and besides her have only seen cats stare into space like they'd had their batteries removed. She was both extremes, physically the best and conversationally the worst, but she is a lovely person (I still see her when I go near where she lives) and has no bad qualities. She never (OK, maybe once) asked me to go anywhere specific (I went wherever she wanted anyway as I only wanted to be with her regardless of where) and certainly wouldn't have reacted if I hadn't wanted to go. It wasn't her nature. It was possibly the closest I could describe of a cat that met a fairy and granted it a wish to become human. I cracked the boring aspect after 2 years of seeing her on and off and realised her other qualities were worth pursuing as a serious prospect, but she was having none of it.

Ideally there could be a single agency for anyone who didn't want to waste time hoping someone would turn up, and was prepared to commit on a single meeting. I know a few who did this and did very well many years later so it isn't that odd, just 'not British'. Well it should be. If there was a list online with photos, a quick CV, and would they move for the right person, I could look for the best combination in about 3 hours (less now I've got broadband actually) and out of maybe ten ticks at least one should tick me.
Then we'd meet once, and having only joined the list as we wanted to get married based on this data alone, do another tick/cross and as soon as this procedure ended in a tick/tick we'd be engaged. I'd give it maybe two weeks average to go through this whole lot assuming each person could get to London quickly.

There are, now someone forced me to learn my own few priorities, about 100 women I know who I'd be happy to be married to, all different but having the right qualities in common. Some I don't know where they are any more, some were single when I met them but have since married, and no doubt a few would have hidden mines buried deeply which would only explode after it was too late to pull out, but that is the same in any marriage as most people do their best to cover their faults. If I could I'd publish this list in a major newspaper in case any were looking themselves, they may not all be hostile and though most I know would now be too old to have children that is a bonus I won't take for granted as essential. I can say how many would be called Fiona on the list equals the number I mentioned the other day, though the one with the verbal problem (ie continual supply, ratchet delivery and 90% rubbish) could be a borderline, but as she's been married for ages would hardly qualify. I actually met her just before she got married and she was with a boyfriend (bear in mind she was from an intellectual family with a Jewish father from a nice part of suburbia) who looked like he'd just been released from a long term hospital stay, been living on the streets and probably had a major drug habit, and were sitting in the coffee bar in Hampstead discussing marriage, did make me wonder how women choose what they want. I had a similar background, qualifications and put up with her crap for a couple of years hoping it may lead to more and she (and most others I failed with) would prefer drug addicts, mental patients (I've never been in mental hospital thank you), criminals and basically society's real failures than me shows how a woman's physically turned on by a danger factor than a decent factor.

I know when I had to wear serious David Bowie makeup to get into Camden Passage I got plenty of looks, and when I bleached my hair women at the same club I'd been to for years came up and talked to me for the first time since I'd started. So if I bleached what hair I've got, painted on some major tattoos for the possible forthcoming summer (to be washed off asap), revived my old studded leather jacket, swore a bit and acted generally rude I'd probably get more repeat blind dates in a month than in the rest of my life. What a dismal picture it paints of life. Technically I doubt I'd want a woman for more than casual sex who was attracted to all that as people are judged by their choice of friends pretty accurately, and anyone interested in scum can't be right themselves.

Anyway, back to the marriage business. I'd like kids if possible as well, and before I'm 60 (well 50 but I can't see that happening), and though I know single women between 30 and 50 without psychiatric records are as rare as off-peak buses but that's an even better reason for organising it. Dating sites are a start, but having become an unfortunate insider on them besides providing meetings still have imbalances between what people are looking for, and many are only messing around and would never want a husband even if they found someone suitable. A marriage only list would narrow it down, and I doubt I'm alone in being prepared to marry on a one check and one meet basis. It's what people often used to do, and many still do and if it works for them it can work for anyone who wants to try it. Somewhere a woman who would like me if she met me is thinking exactly the same thing, and without a go-between there's no way we'd ever get together. One single list for the whole country would stop people being spread across different lists, and if a charity would be perfectly viable. If I started it I'd also become famous, but maybe I'm slightly past the 'practical' stage of such projects. It's a cracking idea and there are plenty of perfectly adequate others free to pick up the idea for me, I'm not interested in taking credit, it's something we just need.

No comments: