Two ways

Yes, I am aware there are always two ways to look at anything, positive and negative. It isn't easy to switch, I only know as both I've seen a similar situation in both ways at different times, and see others handle all sorts of shit with a smile that would finish me off.

Going beyond to the spirit level, that isn't so vague. It either exists or not, and whatever people read into life which may or not be there, ultimately it either is or isn't. Whatever we feel about life, there is either a spirit component or there isn't, and it's hidden to nearly all of us. So though I know using ancient practices I have become aware of both higher senses and feelings there's nothing that isn't just an extended version of what I already can do. Mind you, that energy does travel anywhere as well, so it can be transmitted and used to heal as well, but that's still science. We don't need spirits or their dimension for any of what I've seen and done.

Karma, lessons and the like are all part of the spirit side, as they must fix everything while we live normally thinking it's all random. The coincidences imply it isn't random, and are the only bridge I have possibly linking us to a higher level, and this is many other religion's view of God, mainly the Indian versions.
I go over old ground but hopefully in more organised ways each time, as I try and clarify everything in front of me. For instance:

I realised I wasn't agoraphobic in the past- why? Because I first saw it on TV and noticed the degree was different, and then did get it. I'd assumed my limited quota of areas I avoided meant I had it, but turned out it was a trapped feeling, which is claustrophobia. So it meant I'd judged myself for years because there were a few things I avoided when in fact agoraphobics would have avoided nearly all of them. Had I been explained at the time by anyone who knew I wouldn't have got mixed up, but unfortunately I now have to recover from the real thing.
It's a long pattern in my life I took things for granted until they were gone. As far as I know none ever returned. I let a few girlfriends go (as most people have done of both sexes) not realising their true qualities till it was too late to get them back, twice in one example!
As I loved where I lived till I was 5 I objected to moving, and after a few years away from that house some 30 years later I realised it was where I should be again, and now it's for sale at a price both my kidneys, all my sperm and every penny I could borrow would still leave me £300,000 short. What a bugger.

But the plus side (what this post is all about) was when I was agoraphobic I was stuck at home on my own most of the time. I got my pad out and painted, making about 8 pictures, each worth exhibiting and one actually sold. I wrote for England, though as yet not all has been published due to a magazine never making it. I took another postal course, repainted much of the house outside, and at least where I could go anywhere took some lovely photos (my opinion at least!) with my new camera. I didn't waste a minute being in instead of out, and actually created far more from having to be in than I would if I'd carried on messing around as I did before. OK, I had to suffer, but that seems to be an element that is the rogue one of the equations, and which keeps telling me there is a fault in any view of a higher power as it's far too flawed for my view.

At least I just heard my local football team, Barnet, stayed up just now, as I wasn't up to going in their first season back after a few years out. Now I hope I will as soon as they start the friendlies in July.

Otherwise life will rarely mirror anyone's wishes as it's the old story of wanting other people to change. So my friend in America didn't email with his plans, though I have a woman possibly in my sights again but such early stages I can only say it's still 'alive' but the odds are long for a 'finish'. I've more or less run out of any apparent experts to convince me of the spiritual side, I've quizzed some of the greats, but with Uri Geller saying he may now not be genuine maybe now the whole lot will fall down now he's gone dubious.
No meditation yet, though I have been busy I may start now as that's all I know that may offer a decent route to better things.

Finally after seeing something on TV (I think) yesterday about communicating to women, I realised I can't lose a lot if I tell women I know how I feel if nothing else is happening. In fact my cryptic messages here were aimed at that end, but assuming women enjoy a chase never thought saving them any doubt would work except for a rare minority. But time's passing and that route hasn't worked either as they could either tell by my actions or buggered off before I could even have a proper go. So the next couple of opportunities have the direct approach set up, at least I won't be left in any doubt or hanging around for an answer.
But meanwhile as it's raining in Kingsbury and there's little else to do I am in the one place I can rely on, when the modem doesn't break down anyway.