Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Order in chaos

Today has been surreal. No gory details, I'm still primitive enough to believe whistling for the devil may work, so I will save the sharp focus stuff and look at what it all seems to represent.

It appears we are living in a playground of sorts, where we are the toys and someone is the child playing with them. They move us around, and punish and reward us at will, but apparently in a childish arbitrary way, with no real sense or knowledge behind it. Sometimes it seems a parent or policeman has come in and shifted something in a sensible way at times, as it seems not all results are from that lower source. So when I am stressed and people cancel arrangements I am thankful as I rarely do and soldier on, sometimes when better not to.
Another weirdness is when a serious disappointment or bombshell is about to happen, instead of happening suddenly, something else bad happens that takes me down some ways, and then when the bomb hits minutes later I don't have so far to fall with the shock. This just happened tonight, and I eventually did more or less what I had to.
That was unplanned, unplannable, and provided me with a lose-lose situation where whichever way I moved there would have been trouble. I had no way around it, and that was an example of how having plans, expectations and 'I'll never do...s' are void. Every year of life negates a plan where I said 'I'll always do...' 'I won't get caught...' etc. No way! We can't cheat life itself! If we think we can fix the future, or even all our future lives we are so naive we may as well take out extra insurance as whatever we try and stop the most nearly always will happen!!!

Sorry to sound so negative, but think about and apply it. You can't hogtie the future! If you say you won't make so and so mistake, give up something, take up an old habit, etc etc, you only have so much control or will power. So life sees you getting too big for your boots and makes damn sure you will break every last fucking rule till your will is broken and you surrender totally. Until that time (which you can't choose either, it either happens or it doesn't), just don't aim higher than you can reach. Be realistic. Plan for today, don't expect anything to be how you want it to be. Don't commit beyond what you can guarantee. Which is nothing. Certainty. How we get fooled because we do the same things every day we'll do them tomorrow and in 2020. No we won't! That's a trend, a phase, not life. One day, using hard science, you'll drive to a garage and they won't have any petrol. Ever. That's predictable. But literally anything you take for granted can end as fast as this.


It's gone. Over. You can't walk any more. You can't see. Whatever you trust or take for granted can come and go at its own leisure.
This is NOT negative. It is not positive. It is neutral. We can be given something as well, as I have been many times. I chose the doom and gloom as it surrounds me at present, and seems, on earth, possibly to just have the edge. I wish I'm wrong, that bit is conjecture. I know it can go both ways but so far see the negative as happening more easily than the positive, but I am also aware that's my february 2006 perception and not tried and tested.

Back to my theory. There seems to be a controller or controllers here. Who makes those really weird things happen, when you're talking about something way off field and then something exactly like that happens to you (trust me, it has been), not once but twice. Added to a lifetime of similar experiences, many of which I've mentioned here and elsewhere online. But where the hell these are going is still a mystery. Maybe we are the playthings not of God, but one of God's two year old children, who have free rein to 'practice' on us, as if learning how to do the grown up job some time in the future when pa retires. I don't know. But worship it? For goodness sake, how many people's suffering do you want catalogued before you realise there is no benevolent force or bias in the world? Those in trouble look for it, wish for it, and some find it. But very few in comparison. Arbitrary reward is the field of the devil/evil as is putting a bomb in a birthday cake. You have to make the bomb look good before anyone will accept it, so you hide it in something noce, get back to a safe distance, and apparently enjoy the fun.

I don't learn a thing from my negative experiences, except they show me life has not a very nice side to it and I can't avoid it however hard I try. Do I want to learn this? See, another example. I don't choose. Life imposes its lessons and choices, and all we choose is which target to hide in front of (as they can see us there anyway- we just think we're hiding).

Does anyone learn from negative experiences? Tell me! And if you do, could you have learned it in a nicer way? I could in my own experiences, and you?

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